to be considering calling child services on my sister

[IceAuntie]

Hi. Just let me explain my reasoning and i'll let mumsnet decide. My sis, not exactly the maternal type, she only seems interested in her kids if they can get her noticed (in a good way). She has 3 dd, the eldest is 14(from PR), a 3 year old & a 6mnth baby. DDno.1 is basically a mother to DDno.2 as my sis fawns over DDno.3. She is 14! and instead of being a kid, getting ready for GCSE's etc., she is changing nappies (both younger sisters!), cleaning up toddler sick and comforting tears/screams. DDno.2 is totally out of control, she screams and punches to get what she wants and my sis just gives in (e.g.she has just started playgroup in nappies! because she doesn't like the toilet & my sis gave up trying). DDno.3 is a very peaceful child @ present but how long that last who knows. My sis is still on ML and spends her days doing what she wants and ignoring everything else, the house is a tip. The rest of the family has tried to help/advise but she won't have any of it (unless it's free babysitting so she can go out). I could go further but I think you get the point. Am I being too hasty/worried over nothing? or are my DN in real trouble? Please help me mumsnet!

Is she a single mum? She may need more support - surestart for example?

She maybe struggling PND? Three children especially a 3year old and 6 month is very tiring I know as I have two DC those ages. My DS8 is brilliant and helps getting nappies If I'm stuck, helping out if he can I don't think there's anything particularly wrong, I noticed you haven't meantioned her partner in all of this

I also don't think what you've stated warrants calling social services I think she is most likely overwhelmed with the situation and need of support and no judgement

She sounds like a mother who isn't coping particularly well but nothing you have written indicates abuse of any kind.

I'm assuming there are a lot of historical issues between the two of you which seem to be clouding your thoughts on this.

This isn't a social services situation

Maybe not abuse, but the eldest and middle child do sound neglected, with eldest being expected to do basic care for both younger sisters, and the middle child being very aggressive and overlooked.

You don't have 3dc do you?

Do you have any DC at all?

What you've described sounds normal!

Could she have PND?

Nothing you've said indicates abuse or the need for social services to get involved, though.

Starryeyed you may be surprised to learn that this is exactly the kind of thing ss can help with.

Iceauntie if you mean calling them because you think she's a crap mum I do think you need to consider why you feel that way. Are you near enough to help more? Have you talked to her?

I agree it sounds like she's struggling. Lots of possible reasons for this which gp/ss/sure start/health visitor could all help with. Ss and health visitors usually also know whats available in her area to support this mum and the children including the teenager.

No this isn't normal.

Have you or anyone else tried speaking with her?

YABU for describing your sis as 'fawning' over a small baby. What foes that even mean? It sounds chaotic and stressful but not worthy of a SS report. What exactly would you report her for? Have you seen anything obviously neglectful, dangerous or abusive?

It sounds like your sis would benefit from some kind of parenting course or support from Homestart or similar. She has a lot on her plate.

You're going to let Mumsnet decide??

How about inviting your dn for a visit so she can have a break and maybe tell you a bit more about what's going on?

Her family could be supportive or her health vistor but SS is extremely OTT in this situation.

You basically described my life from 10-16. I'm still bitter about it. Call ss. You'll do your dn a favour.

She does have a husband, he works full time, he did not want more kids after no.2 and is rather apathetic/tired of the whole thing. He gets home and sits in front of the tv. He also doesn't seem to do anything but shout at no.1, she is not his, and she can't seem to do anything right in his eyes.

Umm anyone else think of course the six month old is getting more attention they need it the most at this age?

Letting the middle one start nursery in nappies have you considered that she might be resisting potty training because she has a younger sibling?

Older one helping while not ideal its certainly being helpful to the mother which is more than writing a Mumsnet post about her being a crap mom is achieving

A 2 year old in nappies is completely normal you know

Sorry 3 year old

My dd was in nappies until 3.4. Then she was ready and got it in 3 days

If he didn't want more kids he should have prevented it himself

I would tell DNs school that you believe she is a young carer, or the school nursing service. Or social services. At least they could then approach her to see if she wants or needs emotional or practical support.

If you are in uk that is

stop no i don't think this is normal either.
Ofcourse older children should help out, but main focus should be on school.
The older one sounds forgotten about. if she has to look after the siblings a lot and clearly isn't loved by stepdad, can't be nice at all.

Maybe you should support your sister a bit more rather than thinking who you can report her too.

She /they are just lazy.
Not much anyone but them can do about that.

Maybe invite the 14yo over and leave them with the younger ones.
They will have to buck up.

Gosh I'm sorry but you sound really mean to me. To actually think of calling child services on your own sister just because of what you have described is horrible. I imagine having judgemental family members isn't helping her as she does her best to cope?! So what if the toddler is still in nappies, she'll catch up. Some kids just do things in their own time... Back off and get over yourself!