To write a 'wake up' letter to my obese sister

[SisterSister123]

Name changed for extra privacy as this is a delicate subject.

Basically my older sister (early twenties) is morbidly obese. I think the cause was a cycle of being a chubby kid, teasing at school, comfort eating, being a chubbier kid etc... My mum often found evidence a serious secret binges. Tried to support various ways but ultimately she was the only person who could stop.

She is currently living with our parents. Whilst they were away for the weekend they asked me to go in and walk the dog/feed the cat as sister works at weekends.

I'm not sure if she knew I was due to be coming around as the kitchen was full to bursting with junk food. I'm talking pizza boxes, Chinese wrappers, chocolates, ready meals, cake, muffins, cheesecake, crisps, cream, ice cream, muffins...my mum doesn't buy things like this as she is conscious to support my sister (currently dieting). My parents were away for 3days and so she was obviously planning to eat all of this before their return.

I was devestated to see all that. I am terrified that she will get ill (diabetes cancer and heart disease are all in our family). Basically she is eating herself to death and I feel that nothing we can do will help. Any conversations over the years have been met with defensiveness and basically ignored.

It's not just her health, her confidence and therefore social life has also massively suffered. She is often miserable and nasty (I'm sure as a defence) Which is so sad to see.

I wanted to write her a letter, something she could read and digest in private. Tell her how scared I am and that she needs to change for her health. I wrote it out but in the end was too scared to leave it as I didn't want to upset her. Now I feel like a coward.

As a family we have tried various things before. Asked her to come along with me to slimming world when I was trying to loose my baby weight etc. She came but didn't change any habits so her weight stayed the same.

I'm very much aware that she is an adult and it's her choice to eat what she likes. But likewise she is my sister and I love her and I want her to be healthy and happy. Should I have sent the wake up letter? Or am I getting involved in something that doesn't concern me?

I would look up details of your local Overeaters Anonymous, then talk to her face to face and very gently and supportively about your concerns. I hadn't considered that food could be considered an addiction until a friend mentioned it.

I think the mindset of someone struggling with weight is very different. It's a constant battle of self-hatred in their heads already, so what seem like innocuous remarks to a normal-weight person can be interpreted all sorts of ways, mostly in ways that confirm their feelings of self-hatred.

Saying 'you look great' because they lost some weight can be reinterpreted as 'you looked bad when you were fat and you will look bad again as soon as you gain it'. Or generally fat=bad, and because they're still fat, they still think they look bad. Someone smaller complaining to them about feeling/looking bad because they've gained, again can come across as fat = bad, and they know they're fat, so easy to assume that you think they look bad. However much people say it's about their health, they know society judges fat people, and not because of their health - if they were really worried about the state of the NHS, then they'd be more concerned about being supportive in a way that didn't cause depression, anxiety, phobias about being seen in public, etc.; they wouldn't mock fat people when they were exercising or for trying to look nice in larger clothes. But for a lot of people, dressing it up as 'being worried about the strain on the NHS' is a way to allow them to judge as cruelly as they want. So fat people know that despite what people say, often it isn't about health, it's about judging. Although clearly your family might be concerned for her health, she might be conditioned already to hearing everything as judgement.

It makes conversations difficult, and the fat person knows they are difficult, which can cause even more feelings of shame and humiliation.

So realising that they aren't going to see things the same as you is a good starting point; trying to imagine how they might interpret things defensively if they are already used to judgement and are expecting it, will also help. I think trying not to comment on food, weight or size at all is probably the easiest thing - and to show love, caring, concern, etc about them as a person, not changing whether they are fat or slim.

Romantic thank you. I hope my question didn't upset you.

Your dad sounds like a dick, if you don't mind me saying! Your weight doesn't define you and it's sad that he thinks it does.

to you.

Read big brother by Lionel shrivel - sharp intelligent writer whose own brother was morbidly obese and it killed him. Her main character is in your exact position. Very very tough. Sympathy op.

Walter your question did not upset me at all. :) It actually helped me articulate some things that have been buried in my head- because they have visited quite recently and I have felt very fractured since then.

And thanks for the flowers. :)

Actually a lot of people would advocate ignoring a heroin addiction.

You can offer all the help in the world, but unless you lock them in rehab for the rest of their lives you can't stop people taking whatever drug of choice, be it sugar/alcohol/whatever.

Be there for her, be supportive, listen, spend time with her, but back off from the weight/food issues. Be the one person who isn't on her back about it and you may be the person she ends up confiding in.

With Christmas coming up, perhaps sending her a heartfelt Christmas card. On the lines of: "I love you, you're a wonderful person, you're my sister and I love spending time with you." Maybe even make one if you think that would be appreciated and perhaps add, "I made this card so that you will know how special you are".

No judgement, just love. I don't know if I'd add "I'll always be there for you." Personally I think that would be too much and she would take it as criticism from what you've said. The simpler the better.

I feel for you being worried OP but I'm afraid you said it yourself - only she can change. There is literally nothing you can do to make her change. It's called comfort eating and is so closely tied in to your emotional state. Every day is a struggle to keep your head up, go to work, have some semblance of a normal life and by the time the weekend comes you self medicate with food. If someone, however well meaning, splinters that fragile confidence / pretense then you are very upset, embarrassed and angry, even if you know you shouldn't be, and you eat more! That's the awful thing that slim people don't understand - obese people know they're obese, they've tried to do something about it, they haven't managed (for whatever reason) and they still have to carry on living as best they can - there is no 'wake up call'. Sometimes they're miserable or sometimes they've found peace and are perfectly happy with themselves - sometimes they swing between the two!

I only managed to change when I was ready - I always equate it to biting my nails which I did as a child. My father would go on and on at me about it, paint my fingers with vile tasting stuff, and nothing ever worked. Then one day I just stopped. Same with my mother and smoking - she just stopped when she was ready. I don't know what it is about the brain but it's true that only you can change you. It's got to be the hardest addiction to shake - you can't go cold turkey from food! You have to have tremendous will power 3+ times a day.

That said, it's important that when she is trying to change (she's 'on a diet' as you say) then no matter how skeptical you are you support her - try and go for walks with her, suggest things you can do to help together, as you've said you have in the past. But only when she starts it. Eventually, and it may take many false starts, she'll actually make some real changes. Or she'll never get there, but that's up to her, not you.

A letter will not help and could very well make it worse. I'm sorry.

This has been an interesting thread, I'm genuinely surprised that so many people think a letter is such a bad idea - I still don't think it is, but I realise that I'm in the minority.

I think this advice from Seasonal is probably spot on:
"What you need to do is ignore the fat and make her feel valued and included. Treat at her as though she's depressed....nurture. develop closeness. Ask her about her feelings. Offer her MH support. But don't make it directly about the food."

If I were you, OP, I would seek advice from people who have struggled with obesity and overeating, and let theirs be the deciding vote.

You also know your sister and you know how she's reacted in the past. So if you've tried talking with no success, and think a letter would be a gentler way of broaching it, trust your experience and instinct.

A nurse tried this on me during an appointment that had nothing to do with weight. She lectured me about how being fat was bad for my health and I owed it to the people who loved me to do something blah blah.

Afterwards, I starved myself for three days, crying on and off, and then ate everything in sight. It would have been worse coming from someone who's supposed to love me unconditionally.

The worst of it was I was young and unassertive, and not only let her get away with that but didn't complain because I felt worthless.

Do. Not. Send. The. Letter.

It won't help but maybe get her to watch the recent programme about diabetes . She may have it already . My dad died of complications from type 2 diabetes ( lifestyle choices ) and it was a horrible , painful , hideous death .. do you need to lose any weight ? Maybe take her to slimming world with you ? It's great for people who like food .

I refused to watch that. I have medication- and weight-induced diabetes (the weight was in part down to the medication anyway, but the medication also directly causes diabetes). I can't imagine it's the kind of thing that could make hey feel anything but awful. Scaring people straight doesn't work. How horrible to force someone to watch that.

Tell her you love her and miss and that you'd like to do more stuff together. Then try to do it. It will help.

I got very overweight while coping with a bereavement. My mother tried to 'help'. It was hell. But my sisters never said anything. They are just always always there for me and kind to me. That has been much more positive.

Don't watch the diabetes programme. Anxiety can be a trigger for overeating so I don't think scare tactics are the best option. As a side note, the programme contained loads of inaccuracies and mis-information.

I didn't say anything about forcing her ffs .. what I know about T2 diabetes it was pretty accurate ! My dad heart was too weak to manage any amputation operations so he lived with the pain of rotting and horrendously painful legs . Seeing that is enough to stop me eating cake .!

Maybe your sister needs more positive support? for a start you say she is often miserable and nasty and her social life has suffered, so how about trying to tackle the unhappiness, maybe suggest st John's Wort, going out for a walk every day, some goals? anything along those lines.

Once she feels more positive she might be in a position to want to make healthier choices.

I agree sending her a letter is the worse thing you can do , why not ask her for supporting you in a heathy living approach, do mot mention losing weight as a goal , but more a healthy balanced lifestyle . We often eat ourselves because we stuck in a destructive cycle , we know these foods are not doing us any good , however all these negative thoughts regarding a-lot of the points mentioned in your letter makes us continue the cycle . What we need to someone who does not judge us or treat us any differently , that look at us not just for our weight but for the other qualities we have and highlight those. Do you really think your sister does not know every single thing you wrote ? The only thing is likely to do is make her feel worse . Work on getting support for you both , work with her and thank her for helping you achieve your goals . Ask her to help you cook meals and go swimming together , treat her to getting her nails done , hair etc until you see some changes in both your bodies .

Absolutely do not under any circumstances do this.

Unless she has learning difficulties or similar, there is nothing you can write in a letter which your sister doesn’t know already. It would achieve nothing except humiliating and alienating her.

I know it’s hard. I understand you’re worried. But don’t destroy your relationship with your sister.

@Gladiolys check dates. That thread is 5 years old.

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@Mistymed check dates
That thread is 5 years old.

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No I don't think that's a good idea and it sounds like she has an eating disorder so I very much doubt it would help

Ur point to look in the mirror i guess

Thingsdogetbetter look in the mirror

Oh FFS

Please don't. One of my colleagues is super morbidly obese. She needs 2 plane seats when she flys.

She knows she is fat, she must eat significantly to be that size. It is nobody's business but hers and if she one day discussed with me that she would want to lose weight then I would talk to her about it..until then it is none of my business.