To write a 'wake up' letter to my obese sister

[SisterSister123]

Name changed for extra privacy as this is a delicate subject.

Basically my older sister (early twenties) is morbidly obese. I think the cause was a cycle of being a chubby kid, teasing at school, comfort eating, being a chubbier kid etc... My mum often found evidence a serious secret binges. Tried to support various ways but ultimately she was the only person who could stop.

She is currently living with our parents. Whilst they were away for the weekend they asked me to go in and walk the dog/feed the cat as sister works at weekends.

I'm not sure if she knew I was due to be coming around as the kitchen was full to bursting with junk food. I'm talking pizza boxes, Chinese wrappers, chocolates, ready meals, cake, muffins, cheesecake, crisps, cream, ice cream, muffins...my mum doesn't buy things like this as she is conscious to support my sister (currently dieting). My parents were away for 3days and so she was obviously planning to eat all of this before their return.

I was devestated to see all that. I am terrified that she will get ill (diabetes cancer and heart disease are all in our family). Basically she is eating herself to death and I feel that nothing we can do will help. Any conversations over the years have been met with defensiveness and basically ignored.

It's not just her health, her confidence and therefore social life has also massively suffered. She is often miserable and nasty (I'm sure as a defence) Which is so sad to see.

I wanted to write her a letter, something she could read and digest in private. Tell her how scared I am and that she needs to change for her health. I wrote it out but in the end was too scared to leave it as I didn't want to upset her. Now I feel like a coward.

As a family we have tried various things before. Asked her to come along with me to slimming world when I was trying to loose my baby weight etc. She came but didn't change any habits so her weight stayed the same.

I'm very much aware that she is an adult and it's her choice to eat what she likes. But likewise she is my sister and I love her and I want her to be healthy and happy. Should I have sent the wake up letter? Or am I getting involved in something that doesn't concern me?

Please, please don't send the letter. For one reason: it won't work. I completely understand your urge to do so, and it comes from an entirely loving place but it will have the opposite effect from what you want. She knows she is overweight. She knows you know. She won't see any intervention as loving, she'll read it as judgemental and go straight for the comfort food to feel less bad.

Both my sister and my best friend from school have been seriously overweight in their time. My sis was morbidly obese for years. it frightened the life out of me. She had a young daughter. I so wanted to say something but didn't. She's taken herself in hand, got onto the low carb diet and looked fantastic when I saw her this weekend. Still very overweight but not morbidly so anymore. And my friend got divorced, moved back to her home town and lost weight once she made the changes that would make her happy.

It just won't work. Instead, show lots of interest in her, in her life, her emotions. Give lots of support and positive encouragement, and treat her as though she weren't overweight. Suggest walks, invite her out on activities that don't involve food and if you ever see her making a positive step towards losing weight or getting fit, tell her you have faith she'll succeed.

If you think she is down, could you make more of an effort to include her in your life and prove how much you enjoy her company. Eg ask her to go away for a girls weekend or a night out more often. And never mention her eating.

*To all of you saying 'she already knows', what about all the very many people on here and put there who say they absolutely didn't know how heavy they'd become?

They were in stretchy clothes, avoided mirrors etc. Often a key event causes a 'wake up moment', like appearing in a wedding video.*

The people who say this generally have a stone or two to lose tops. They are not morbidly obese. There is a massive difference between overweight and morbidly obese. Someone who is morbidly obese will know they are, they can't possibly not know.

Binge eating disorders are often fuelled by a sense of shame. Writing a letter, however well intentioned, drawing attention to the harm she is doing to herself with her binge eating, is just going to exacerbate that shame. You say she's already very defensive and multiple family conversations about her weight haven't helped matters. A letter is not going to be any different. It may make you feel less powerless about the situation, but it won't help her; in a sense it would be a way of dealing with your own sadness and helplessness by putting it onto her.

Unfortunately, your devastation about her situation is your issue to deal with; you don't want to lose your sister, it makes you incredibly sad to see her making choices that are ultimately self-destructive, and this is all completely understandable. But a letter letting her know she's been rumbled and that this has upset you is just going to make her feel shame and anger and get more defensive, which is going to be counterproductive.

You may need to accept that you are not going to be able to help her, possibly by virtue of the fact that you're part of her family, and witnessed her as chubby, bullied child, and are associated with her historical feelings of shame. Show her love and support for who she is, and leave it at that.

Could you not try to 'recruit her' to 'your' cause? I.e. you engineer a conversation about how you'd like to lose weight, tone up, you've heard of this great plan, yadda yadda and then you invite her to join you. You could then use your sessions together to try to create better habits for her? This would take a lot of time but if her health is the objective than this might be one way to do it.

Can't you just tell her you love her? Not that you're worried or concerned but that you just love her.

I had a family member who was like this.
He ate too much, was obese then developed diabetes (insulin dependant) but still refused to take care of himself.
He never checked his blood sugar levels, was never careful about what he ate, took insulin 'roughly'. His comment was that eating was his only pleasure in life. How could anyone remove that from him?
As a result he then developed depression and heart problems.
He died young.

There is NOTHING we could have done.
As you said yourself, your dsis is the only person that can help herself.
What your parents are doing, by ensuring there is some healthy food in the house rather than junk will help. But after that, it is her own decision.

When people are arriving at binge eating like this, it is likely that there are also some MH issues in the background. Whether it's self esteem issues, anxiety or depression, something else is at play.
I appreciate you want to protect your dsis. We wanted to protect that family member too. And his dcs in particular really wanted him to take care of himself. And his ex wife who was driven away by the depression and the very frequent angry outbursts.
But you can't do anything aboout it and a letter will NOT change a thing.

The one and only thing you can do is to be there for her, be a friend, a sister and don't judge her.

Thejub Sorry but that's a TERRIBLE idea! Completely transparent and it would really piss me off. As pretty much everyone has said, the OP's sister needs emotional support, not nagging to diet and exercise

You're sister does not need to "wake up" OP. I'm sure that she is more than aware of her weight and the related health concerns. It also seems to me that she has enough to deal with without having to deal with your emotions and concerns regarding her weight.

if you really want to be of use to her, just work on keeping up a warm and supportive relationship with her. Then she can talk to you and ask for your help when she's ready.

I often ask my brother to stop smoking. I know it will make no difference to the actual smoking BUT he needs to hear that I don't want him to kill himself with it so it is good in that way.

We all have a weakness/an area we need to work on. What is yours? Would you like someone to write you a letter about a something you already feel shit about?

You will not help your sister by writing her a letter. Accept her as she is. Support her and listen to her. I strongly suspect that she knows she has a problem and feels completely rubbish about it. Be kind to her. She may then open up to you about her weight. You can support her but she needs to find her own path out of this.

I agree with other pps, food can be an addiction. The combination of fat and sugar is proven to release chemicals in your brain which produce a temporary high. It can become a psychological addiction, a coping mechanism or a way to block out unwelcome emotions. Hence the term "comfort eating."

Op, you sound like a thoughtful caring sister. You know your sister better than we do, but I think the fact that you are hesitating over the letter means it's not the right approach.
I think you should speak to her. Voice your concerns for her health, reassure her that you are doing this because you couldn't bear to lose her or see her ill. Let her know you are there for her if she needs you.

if this goes back to childhood, it is deep rooted, perhaps also related to unhealthy family dynamics around food or other issues, so more family intervention now might not be helpful. you could try ignoring the weight issue completely and just hang out with her, be her friend.

My sister has been obese for a long time, she even got a Gastric band but was still obese. A couple of years ago she moved into an apartment where the cooker didn't work properly so started eating salads etc. she has now lost 5 stones, could be more and for the first time was sharing photos because she looked so pretty and just like she did when she was younger. She did it herself, no amount of telling her would have done it. I must admit she would never have eaten that amount or even those things.

I think the best thing you can do is help her to like herself, just as she is. When in a negative place it's very very difficult to contemplate changing.

I'm not sure why we have such different attitudes depending on the addiction.

Drug and alcohol addictions get family interventions etc. If it's a binge eating addiction though the rhetoric seems to be 'they know they are fat, let them eat themselves to death'.

I agree that change can ONLY happen when the person wants it to for themselves.

However O think that is much more likely if they know everyone around them has a) noticed a big problem and care about them enough to try and help b) are given all the options/ideas for support.

I knew I was eating myself to death, but everyone around me was so polite it didn't get mentioned. I lied to myself about how much I was binging and stuck my head on the sand about my size.

If it hadn't been for the rather tearful intervention of everyone I hold dear I'd probably be dead by now.

All these people who say it's cowardly to write a letter: I can only assume that you are all confident assertive people who can remain calm, choose their words carefully under pressure and don't feel scared at the prospect of being shouted at, while the people you routinely confront in such an assertive face-to-face manner are the type who will handle such a verbal interaction well and not shout/cry/hit you.

For the rest of us, letters are often a preferred option.

OP, it sounds like your message is that you're scared your sister might die. If you are going to tell her anything, say that you love her and are scared she might die if she carries on as she is. Keep it very short and simple.

It's so tough, I don't think there's a right or wrong answer.

Like others when I first saw the title I thought NO WAY can you (or SHOULD you!) write a letter to your sister telling her what she already knows; how deeply offensive.

..then I read your OP...

And you're worried. And I absolutely support you in telling her that. You don't sound "faux worried", like some fat-shaming arsehole pretending you're concerned for someone's health when actually you just want to pass moral judgement on their lifestyle. You're her sister. You love her. And it sounds like your fears for her mental health are not without basis. Yes, it can be hard to hear your family are worried about you. But it's also lonely and isolating to know you're obviously struggling, and to feel like no-one actually cares enough to reach out to you when you know you're hurting yourself.

It could be the wrong call; many people here have said it would be; how on earth could you know before hand? It could be just what your sister is crying out for - someone to reach out to her.

Follow your heart OP.

OP please don't send the letter. I Understand your feelings and sympathise but like anything else she needs to want to change. I've got about 8 stone to lose, I lost a bit last year and put it back on (after an injury so no exercise) and no amount of people telling me helped. It actually did the opposite and made me feel so crap. It was me who decided to lose weight and I had to decide for myself. I know it's frustrating and annoying for you but she needs to want to change. When she decides to do that by all means offer support, advice, go swimming or to exercise classes together, encourage and empower her - that'll really help. But she needs to decide she wants to change first.

I think she probably knows how fat she is, what a health concern it is and how concerned about her others are. A letter won't help remotely.

If it would help you to write your feelings down, OP, please do so for your own sake, but it don't then send it to your sister.

the only thing that works imo is a personal trainer

someone trained and paid to work with her

start off with light weights and walks in the park
they will gently coax her to a healthier lifestyle.
expensive though!

don't send the letter. it will send her into a bingeing spiral.

I think there's a big difference between food addiction and alcohol etc though - in that you can avoid vodka for life but you can't avoid food. And even with alcohol and drug addiction you can say whatever you want but the person needs to want to change, all the telling in the world is worthless until the person decides for themselves. OP does your sister know you're worried? Instead of a letter maybe have a cuppa and a chat - friendly, tell get youre a little concerned and you don't want her to get ill, that you know she's trying but you saw everything the other day, that it's her choice of course but the way isn't to cut out and then gorge but rather eat more balanced, and that you're there with support etc if needed. Have you ever lost weight op? If so you have more scope to be able to relate to her, tell her that you understand a bit and that Your Own experience might help her

Yet another voice saying don't write the letter. By all means talk to her if the opportunity arises but if I got a letter like that I would be deeply hurt and feel shamed and criticised.

I would send her the letter. I had a alcoholic sister who dies as a result, last summer. Your sisters addiction with food is exactly the same, with the eventual same outcome. My sister had al the help in the world, rehabs etc (including family intervention and the writing of similar letters to what you suggested). OK, nothing worked with my sister, but what if it did with yours? Do it.

Another - not necessarily, not if done 'right'. My friends and I turn 'Stoptober' into a bit of competitive, supportive, bonding month. I have family members who buddied up to do some diet last year - that they all succeeded at. Smokers often succeed at quitting if they have a 'quitting partner' and like AA, conversations don't start and end with 'I've had no cigarettes today, yay me' but actually quickly gravitate towards the roots of bad habits 'I really felt the absence of my ciggies in the run up to the big meeting at work. The anxiety was horrendous!' etc.

I'm not saying that it is the solution but I'm putting it forwards as one suggested method. It depends on the person but there are ways to attempt to approach this positively.