To write a 'wake up' letter to my obese sister

[SisterSister123]

Name changed for extra privacy as this is a delicate subject.

Basically my older sister (early twenties) is morbidly obese. I think the cause was a cycle of being a chubby kid, teasing at school, comfort eating, being a chubbier kid etc... My mum often found evidence a serious secret binges. Tried to support various ways but ultimately she was the only person who could stop.

She is currently living with our parents. Whilst they were away for the weekend they asked me to go in and walk the dog/feed the cat as sister works at weekends.

I'm not sure if she knew I was due to be coming around as the kitchen was full to bursting with junk food. I'm talking pizza boxes, Chinese wrappers, chocolates, ready meals, cake, muffins, cheesecake, crisps, cream, ice cream, muffins...my mum doesn't buy things like this as she is conscious to support my sister (currently dieting). My parents were away for 3days and so she was obviously planning to eat all of this before their return.

I was devestated to see all that. I am terrified that she will get ill (diabetes cancer and heart disease are all in our family). Basically she is eating herself to death and I feel that nothing we can do will help. Any conversations over the years have been met with defensiveness and basically ignored.

It's not just her health, her confidence and therefore social life has also massively suffered. She is often miserable and nasty (I'm sure as a defence) Which is so sad to see.

I wanted to write her a letter, something she could read and digest in private. Tell her how scared I am and that she needs to change for her health. I wrote it out but in the end was too scared to leave it as I didn't want to upset her. Now I feel like a coward.

As a family we have tried various things before. Asked her to come along with me to slimming world when I was trying to loose my baby weight etc. She came but didn't change any habits so her weight stayed the same.

I'm very much aware that she is an adult and it's her choice to eat what she likes. But likewise she is my sister and I love her and I want her to be healthy and happy. Should I have sent the wake up letter? Or am I getting involved in something that doesn't concern me?

the point of the letter is to show how much OP cares and present it in a non lecturing way, which can sometimes happen when you talk

A letter would do the opposite of give a 'non-lecturing' feel. It's a cowardly way to confront someone, it doesn't reflect tone and it doesn't give the receiver the opportunity to reply or explain themselves. Confrontation letters cause nothing but ill feelings, if the OP wants her sister to feel humiliated, then this is the best way to do it. If my sister gave me such a letter, I wouldn't be grateful that's for sure.

I think a face to face would be better (with the aim of raising the points that you're concerned about her health and counselling might be useful) but only if you can do no drama and hang onto your point in the face of all hell breaking loose.

I don't think it will make a difference but understand you may feel as if you have to try something.

I know you are coming from a place of love and concern but please don't send a letter. The impact won't be what you are hoping for - it will likely make her feel guilty and ashamed which could trigger more binge eating.

It sounds like there are underlying issues which are causing an unhealthy relationship with food. Have a look at the Beat website - you can get some info and support for yourself and your sister. Good luck.

It wouldn't be a "confrontation letter" at all! It is possible to convey tone in a letter if you write it carefully.

I don't think it's cowardly or humiliating, it gives the person time and space to digest it and respond. She might actually feel more humiliated if the OP brought it up face to face, especially if she gets upset and/or doesn't know what to say.

Last post was to Edmund.

The problem with a letter is you can't read tone or intention very well. If she is in a bad place to start with then it could easily have a very negative impact on her even if that is the last thing intended.

at my biggest I had a bmi of 42, I knew for a long time before it got to that point that it was a problem but I wasn't in a position to do anything about it, I simply wasn't ready. If people mentioned it to me the most likely thing I would do is drown my sorrows in chocolate.

I was lucky and 3 years ago something did click and I have now lost 7 stone but that only happened because I was able to get myself to a place where that was possible.

flippinada thanks for the beat website headsup, I am looking at it now. :)

Have you thought of contacting over eaters anonymous and asking their advice.
They holds meetings much like AA but would probably tell you the best way to approach this.

As others have suggested, a letter may not be the way to go, she may turn against you and this will alienate her further.

Did she say anything, knowing you had been in your of parents home and seen all the wrappers and food?

I have no helpful advice but your post could be mine. I have a very close relative who is very obese (I myself struggle with my weight so I can understand). Her size is affecting day to day living and she is struggling to get up, drive and can hardly walk. Each week more and more cakes, sweets, etc are purchased.

I have tried everything, suggested slimming world, etc and I have had several times spoken about the problem and explained I am not being critical but I am petrified about losing this person and how my world will collapse with them. I have panic attacks about this happening and it breaks my heart. They listened, said they would try and the next week purchased more rubbish.

I am at my wits end and can do no more I don't think but I wish I could.

Please do not send your sister a letter about how much you caaaaare. It won't have the effect you want, and could well have the opposite effect.

Based purely on the limited detail in the post I think it would be more helpful for you to view the binge eating as a symptom of deeper emotional problems. It is those problems that she needs family support to address. Write to her about how much you love her and channel your energy into helping her build her self esteem. Instead of commenting on her food choices, send time with her, develop a shared interest, join a hobby group together...

AnotherEmma, it's not about how it's written, it's about how it's read. Most people would take offence to such a letter. It is a cowardly way to speak to someone you love about your concerns/the way you feel.

She knows everything that you're going to say in that letter. IMO pointing it out is another example of infantilising the fat, as our society does.
As a fatty myself, if I received an 'intervention ' letter like that I'd be horrified and end up bingeing.
I think it's a really bad idea. Fat is so emotionally charged you have no idea what your sisters reaction will be. It's a really really bad idea

"Based purely on the limited detail in the post I think it would be more helpful for you to view the binge eating as a symptom of deeper emotional problems. It is those problems that she needs family support to address. Write to her about how much you love her and channel your energy into helping her build her self esteem. Instead of commenting on her food choices, send time with her, develop a shared interest, join a hobby group together..." THIS X3

YABVVVVVVVVU. Do not do this.

YABU. Don't write the letter.

What is the provision where you live?

I am obese and used to be a secret binger, not as much now...
i talked to my GP and went on an "emotional eating" course which helped.

then got pregnant and had to change diet for gestational diabetes... and now i'm back to some bad habits...

but that course was good, just an afternoon and it helped realise a lot of things...

but i wouldn't have wanted a letter. it had to come from me... i had to feel at rock bottom before i looked for help

She's already countered previous attempts to talk to her about it with defensiveness and/or ignored them. Why would you assume a letter would be any different?

If I received a letter I'd be liable to binge more and go NC with the sender. I don't need other people to tell me that I'm a failure.

Correction: don't send the letter. Destroy it, so you are not tempted to send it later.

The letter is going to go down in one of two ways.

It might seem like criticism: you're not good enough, you're so fat, you need to do something, it's disgusting.

Or it might come across as real concern, worry, and desire to help.

When I was morbidly obese, the second would have made me feel upset and guilty and I'd have fallen face first into a family bag of Doritos and a mega bar of chocolate and avoided you out of shame.

The first would have made me feel angry, upset and guilty and I'd have fallen face first into a family bag of Doritos and a mega bar of chocolate, and not wanted to speak to you again.

Is she on a diet to shut the family up or because she really wants to lose weight?
She needs to want it.

Dont write the letter op. It could be taken the wrong way by your sister.

I strongly disagree with all the people who've told you to sit down with her, make an appointment with her, talk to organisations for her, etc. She knows she's obese. She knows there is help available. She knows people think she's unhealthy. She doesn't need the added guilt of someone who's supposed to love her unconditionally making her feel like she has to change for them.

Leave it alone. This isn't about you.