To write a 'wake up' letter to my obese sister

[SisterSister123]

Name changed for extra privacy as this is a delicate subject.

Basically my older sister (early twenties) is morbidly obese. I think the cause was a cycle of being a chubby kid, teasing at school, comfort eating, being a chubbier kid etc... My mum often found evidence a serious secret binges. Tried to support various ways but ultimately she was the only person who could stop.

She is currently living with our parents. Whilst they were away for the weekend they asked me to go in and walk the dog/feed the cat as sister works at weekends.

I'm not sure if she knew I was due to be coming around as the kitchen was full to bursting with junk food. I'm talking pizza boxes, Chinese wrappers, chocolates, ready meals, cake, muffins, cheesecake, crisps, cream, ice cream, muffins...my mum doesn't buy things like this as she is conscious to support my sister (currently dieting). My parents were away for 3days and so she was obviously planning to eat all of this before their return.

I was devestated to see all that. I am terrified that she will get ill (diabetes cancer and heart disease are all in our family). Basically she is eating herself to death and I feel that nothing we can do will help. Any conversations over the years have been met with defensiveness and basically ignored.

It's not just her health, her confidence and therefore social life has also massively suffered. She is often miserable and nasty (I'm sure as a defence) Which is so sad to see.

I wanted to write her a letter, something she could read and digest in private. Tell her how scared I am and that she needs to change for her health. I wrote it out but in the end was too scared to leave it as I didn't want to upset her. Now I feel like a coward.

As a family we have tried various things before. Asked her to come along with me to slimming world when I was trying to loose my baby weight etc. She came but didn't change any habits so her weight stayed the same.

I'm very much aware that she is an adult and it's her choice to eat what she likes. But likewise she is my sister and I love her and I want her to be healthy and happy. Should I have sent the wake up letter? Or am I getting involved in something that doesn't concern me?

*I'm not sure why we have such different attitudes depending on the addiction.

Drug and alcohol addictions get family interventions etc. If it's a binge eating addiction though the rhetoric seems to be 'they know they are fat, let them eat themselves to death'.*

I agree with this 100%. Those close to people with drug or alcohol dependency are encouraged through counselling to stop enabling the behaviour, to speak out, make the person aware of the emotional impact of their addiction on other people. Often it is only when the enabling behaviour ceases that the person with the addiction reaches rock bottom and the stark realisation that they must either change or die/ lose everything.

Someone said up thread that knowing something intellectually is absolutely not the same as knowing it emotionally. Op is clearly worried for the health of her dsis. This is no different to relatives of those dependent on drugs or alcohol. Asking her not to send the letter and telling her she knows she's fat and to back off is doing nobody any favours in this scenario. It is only through intervention that people begin to understand on an emotional level the impact of their addictive behaviour - not on themselves but on those around them. You have articulated very clearly op your love and concern for your dsis. I would urge you to take this up with her, but I'm wondering if a more direct approach would be better. Real emotion cannot be conveyed through the written word. Likewise, it can be avoided - your dsis might read the first sentence and then burn the letter. She won't want to hear it. Do you have a close relationship where you could supportively and tactfully raise it with her?

Or, LaContessaDiPlumpOnSea, we know exactly what it's like facing what seems like criticism and having it written down in black and white is exactly the opposite of help. There are far better ways of speaking to the person about any worries than writing a note, as other posters have mentioned. Writing a letter says 'this is about how I feel, I don't really care if it upsets you or you end up feeling worse because of it because I'm trying to help'.

I've never known anyone to 'change their ways' based on a 'you're making me sad and worried' note, I would be interested to see if any poster on here has.

It amazes me still that if someone had anorexia, they would not be shamed into changing their ways as chances are it would further affect their mental health. It's ok to write down your 'worries' over binge eating though, because obviously fatties just can't help themselves, it's not due to other issues at all .

Like bigus I have an alcoholic and drug addicted brother who has been in recovery for three years. I agree with sending the letter. She will kill herself if she doesn't get help soon. I think any addiction needs to have that person recognise that their life has become out of control. This is more than a weight issue. I really feel for you op. My brother knows now how much we care for him and want him to stay well. This has been a large part of his recovery.

OP, this thread is interesting as a lot of people have provided tops on how NOT to frame the letter

or rather they have said they would interpret the letter as criticism

Morbid obesity is a very complex issue, its a cocktail of mental health, physical health, self esteem and to top its all its something that people can be cruel about which can twist things

I really emphasise as if every reaction is defensive and hostile...

I would write a letter but take heed of the messaging you want to avoid

you cant just give up, can you...?

Chat if you want to and ask if she has thought of some counselling as you realise it's really difficult to lose weight as so many emotions are tied up in it. Emphasise that you don't care what she looks like but you are really worried about her health. Getting support emotionally is the way to go, whether that results in weight loss or not. But tread carefully op and back off if it's not received well.

Op, having been in your sisters shoes in the past, id say "ignore the fat".

I still cringe at some of the well meaning advice I got over 20 years ago. It didn't help. It was either devastating or I ignored it. I'm a size 8 and have been so for well over a decade. It was down to me...even breaking a chair in a restaurant didn't motivate me. When youre fat, you learn to style it out big time.

What you need to do is ignore the fat and make her feel valued and included. Treat at her as though she's depressed....nurture. develop closeness. Ask her about her feelings. Offer her MH support. But don't make it directly about the food.

Can I also say....I have perfect health stats, blood sugar, everything. You can recover from the health implications of obesity. What matters now though, is that you tackle this issue through resolving her MH. (From what you say, she sounds depressed, I may have that wrong).

Please don't send a letter. You will make the shame/binge cycle worse I guarantee you.

I'm hugely overweight. Comfort eaten and binged all of my life. Family have tried to embarrass me into losing weight in the past, all it did was make the shame burn a bit more, leading to more stuffing food down my neck to the point where I was so full it actually hurt to distract from the emotional pain of being such a fat ugly failure and disappointment

I read a meme on FB about a year ago that said 'I have fat, I am not fat. I have fingernails but I'm not fingernails' and it changed my outlook. My excess weight isn't me, I'm still a person underneath it and those who actually matter can see past it and still love me and care for me and not want to shame me. I'm making changes to my life, I've joined the gym with dh though there's no pressure and if I don't feel like going I don't go. I still have bad days where I eat too much but I'm doing much better and the weight is slowly coming off. People have started to notice and comment positively which is lovely. But I'm doing it because I want to, not because someone made me feel bad about myself.

if someone had anorexia, they would not be shamed into changing their ways as chances are it would further affect their mental health

I can be fairly sure you're guessing here about the experiences of those with "thin" eating disorders. I can tell you now most people don't feel in the least bit bad about telling someone when they're very thin; rather than it feeling like being told "fatties just can't help themselves" it feels like someone saying "you've been so duped by stupid media ideals and your own vanity that you can't even see you've taken it too far - you're damaging yourself you poor, foolish thing". As if things like anorexia are just about looks, right? It's only when people start to wonder if there's a real problem that they start to hold their tongues a bit, for much the same reasons as people are umming an ahhing about it on this thread.

I don't know where you're getting that statement about anorexia from EdmundCleverClogs, but it wasn't from me I'd view any self-imposed negative behaviour in a similar light.

I have been obese in the past. I'd have preferred written, gentle words to the harsher ones I frequently experienced verbally from people who claimed to love me, thank you.

I don't agree with you that a letter is all about the writer. A letter is chosen when the writer cares enough to sit down and consider the matter carefully, choosing words with concern, plus allowing the reader to stop at any time and discard the letter or else have a mental breather before returning to it. I consider letters to be much more considerate than words, which can be blurted out any old how and have the potential to go hideously wrong when paired with the wrong body language or tone.

Mind you I have noticed on MN that people get really weird and defensive when they see criticisms written down, even about other people. Is it perhaps that such criticisms seem more real when committed to a medium, rather than floating around in the air?

eatsleephockeyrepeat, no not guessing. I've been on both sides of the scale and found people were a lot 'gentler' when I lost a severe amount of weight. However, that is my experience- obviously there's issues on both sides. Thin or fat are not the main issue, it's what causes the person to hurt themselves with food. It's a very delicate thing, but having the 'worst things about you' being put in a letter is not the right way of helping that person.

LaContessaDiPlumpOnSea, that part was not directed at you, I was purely making a personal observation.

My Dh is struggling with his weight, it's slowly coming down with exercising three times a week and I'm his biggest cheer leader.

But I truley believe now that over eating is an addiction that messes with your head. It has to be. My Dh can still feel physically hungry even after having a healthy decent meal and I can see him battling it out in his head - untill he gets a something that suppresses it - usually junk food. I really do believe there are chemicals in that food that effect the brain.

I used to get really mad at him as I felt he was killing himself and it wasn't fair on out young family.

Op is only coming from a place of love, I understand how she feels.

No way send a letter.

It would come across to me as humiliating and patronising.

She will know she's obese, she will know her health is at risk, and she will know that it will hurt her family if she dies. None of that is news.

If you want to show her you care about her, then just show her you care - you don't need to bring her weight into it at all.

Weight loss never worked if someone is shamed or guilted into it - they need to want to change their habits. No matter what you say to her, she has to want it for herself, and you won't be speeding that process up.

Love her and support any changes that do come from her. I'm sure it will be on her mind as much as yours as to what she wants to do with her life and weight, but it needs to be her decision.

If she feels loved and cared about, she might get to a happier place and then choose changing, for herself.

I'd be so hurt and awkward and humiliated and defensive and everything else if someone sent a letter like that - and it would NOT make me feel like they cared about me as a person, only about my weight. No matter how much they tried to insist it was because they cared, it would not have helped.

Our experience of being frighteningly thin vary wildly then Edmund. It is by no means universal that people are "kinder" at that end of the scales. In fact I always felt people thought they had more right to comment on your weight when you're thin, maybe because they didn't associate it with being insensitive.

It's a very delicate thing, but having the 'worst things about you' being put in a letter is not the right way of helping that person.

It doesn't have to be "the worst things about you" though does it, and I don't think that's what OP's suggesting. I think she's suggesting putting her love and concern into a letter. I'm not saying you're wrong, not at all, I don't think there is a right or wrong here; just two sides to the coin, that's all.

I think SeasonalVags advice is excellent.
Treating it like depression or similar and act in a nurturing supportive way. Listening rather than talking.

If you write a letter saying "I'm worried about your food habits and I love you and I don't want you to die of obesity related disease" you're kind of making it all about you -"You need to look after yourself better so you don't make me feel bad/unhappy." I know that's not how you intend it to come across but you're focusing on her eating habits and not the underlying cause: her unhappiness.

You say "Her confidence and therefore social life has also massively suffered. She is often miserable..." - it's chicken and egg, though. If she hadn't been picked on at school, she wouldn't have low confidence and be miserable. Until she deals with the low confidence and self esteem then there's no point trying to tackle the food stuff. There are years of thought patterns to be unpacked and changed before she can start dealing with her eating habits. CBT or counselling would be a start.

You'd do better reinforcing that she's lovable and you accept her whatever she looks like - and you can say those words, but if you reinforce it with inviting her to dieting clubs and criticising her food choices then what you do is far more important than what you say. She'll hear you criticising her, not her choices, which will feed into her negative self esteem cycle. And the more she feels criticised the more she will turn to food.

Don't send the letter. It's obvious you're concerned & a kind, loving sister but, I don't think you'll get any thanks for helping. Just be there for her

I know it's a bit controversial but what if she doesn't care?

What if she'd actually rather die?

Being overweight or obese the norm these days.

A size 12 dress size is now classed as skinny

In fact I always felt people thought they had more right to comment on your weight when you're thin, maybe because they didn't associate it with being insensitive.

I've been at both ends of the scale as well, and I don't think comments or letters would help on either end. Not with eating disorders.

Whether I was starving myself or stuffing myself, I was doing it from a place of deep unhappiness and hatred for myself. When I was starving and someone told me how great I looked, or said I was getting too thin, I looked at that as success. When I was fat and someone said that I'd gained too much weight, or told me that I was making myself sick, I saw that as failure and punished myself with food more.

It's really complicated and I don't think letters, or even heart to hearts, help if the person isn't in the right environment or place to hear it.

Nobody told me I was hurting myself by being too thin or too fat, I had to realize that myself and make the changes out of a place of self love and acceptance, not from pressure or shame.

Judging by the replies on here, op, your post has struck a nerve. As I said, being overweight is now the norm.

Thank you for all your advice. It is very helpful to hear from people who have been on the other side. I try my best to understand but ultimately as l have never been in her shoes I can't.

I have tried on other occasions in the past to speak to her. As have my parents. As this seemed to do more harm than good we have all backed off for the past couple of years.

The reason for me wanting to write a letter was not to wake her up. I used the wrong term there. I know she knows she is overweight, i just wanted her to know how much she is loved and how I do not want to loose her.

Ignoring the issue has not helped. We would not ignore a heroin addition. But as she is so fragile we all ignore this addiction.

I feel like a coward for not attempting to do anything. I don't want to fail her because I don't know how to help. I don't think talking to her face to face will achieve anything except tears and her shutting down and pulling away which is not what I want. I was hoping a letter was a gentler approach. On reading the advice perhaps not.

Please don't send a letter. Whether she interprets it as genuine concern or as criticism, it won't help.

I've never been obese, but I've been noticeably overweight, and family members commenting on what I ate or telling me to exercise made me feel miserable - I knew what size I was, and people telling me to change just drew attention to the fact that they were unhappy with who I was. This was particularly evident when they suggested that losing weight was the solution to confidence/self esteem issues or mental health problems.

The change has to come from her. If she mentions health or weight to you, that is the time to be supportive. A letter, no matter how well-intentioned, won't get you any closer to the outcomes you want. (I also think that calling it a 'wake up' letter is a really horrible way of putting it, but your OP sounds generally concerned and supportive so I'm guessing that was just bad phrasing).

Cross-posted with your latest reply, OP - sorry!