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Original poster

To write a 'wake up' letter to my obese sister

186 replies

SisterSister123 · 10/10/2016 07:58

Name changed for extra privacy as this is a delicate subject.

Basically my older sister (early twenties) is morbidly obese. I think the cause was a cycle of being a chubby kid, teasing at school, comfort eating, being a chubbier kid etc... My mum often found evidence a serious secret binges. Tried to support various ways but ultimately she was the only person who could stop.

She is currently living with our parents. Whilst they were away for the weekend they asked me to go in and walk the dog/feed the cat as sister works at weekends.

I'm not sure if she knew I was due to be coming around as the kitchen was full to bursting with junk food. I'm talking pizza boxes, Chinese wrappers, chocolates, ready meals, cake, muffins, cheesecake, crisps, cream, ice cream, muffins...my mum doesn't buy things like this as she is conscious to support my sister (currently dieting). My parents were away for 3days and so she was obviously planning to eat all of this before their return.

I was devestated to see all that. I am terrified that she will get ill (diabetes cancer and heart disease are all in our family). Basically she is eating herself to death and I feel that nothing we can do will help. Any conversations over the years have been met with defensiveness and basically ignored.

It's not just her health, her confidence and therefore social life has also massively suffered. She is often miserable and nasty (I'm sure as a defence) Which is so sad to see.

I wanted to write her a letter, something she could read and digest in private. Tell her how scared I am and that she needs to change for her health. I wrote it out but in the end was too scared to leave it as I didn't want to upset her. Now I feel like a coward.

As a family we have tried various things before. Asked her to come along with me to slimming world when I was trying to loose my baby weight etc. She came but didn't change any habits so her weight stayed the same.

I'm very much aware that she is an adult and it's her choice to eat what she likes. But likewise she is my sister and I love her and I want her to be healthy and happy. Should I have sent the wake up letter? Or am I getting involved in something that doesn't concern me?

OP posts:
shovetheholly · 10/10/2016 08:33

I think the last thing that someone who is struggling with their weight needs is advice and criticism - and a letter may feel cold and distant as a way of offering support. Can you offer practical help instead, in a face-to-face conversation? Counselling might be really useful, particularly if there is bullying in her past that has led to this behaviour. My friend lost weight after hypnotherapy so that might be worth pursuing as well? Or a personal trainer?

ZippyNeedsFeeding · 10/10/2016 08:34

It wouldn't matter to me what the motives were, if I got a letter like that I wouldn't be able to leave the house, possibly for months. I would find the knowledge that someone had spent so long going into so much detail about my faults and writing to me about them utterly destroying. Don't do it.

Threebedsemii · 10/10/2016 08:36

I think if you want to support her you need to be prepared for the kind of support and level she might need. A letter won't work- what do you expect her to do?

The likely hood is if you can get her to go to the GP and ask for help she will start to process of being put on a waiting list for surgery. Can you support her through that? I have supported my sister through that. It's a huge drain emotionally.

If she needs mental health help the likelihood is someone will need to pay for that long term- can you help with that?

I think you need to think about how much you can really help and how tough this will be if she wants to change.

amusedbush · 10/10/2016 08:36

I binged like that every day for years - I was a size 22 by the time I was 17. Almost ten years later, I struggle with the urge to binge every day and I have been every size between a 14 and a 20 (currently the latter 😔) through a starve/binge cycle.

A letter won't help. If your sister is anything like me, she feels helpless and disgusted and distraught all on her own.

NerrSnerr · 10/10/2016 08:37

Even I it's written sensitively she is probably going to read it as 'you're fat and rubbish' because it's what she's probably thinking. I would talk face to face personally.

Threebedsemii · 10/10/2016 08:37

For me the problem with a letter is it puts the onus on the sister to take action or start a conversation or just feel plain awkward- all stuff the Op was too cowardly to do is being transferred onto the sister in the guise of help

FruitCider · 10/10/2016 08:37

Oh god no, don't write her a letter!!! How insensitive, you are being very unreasonable.

Pagwatch · 10/10/2016 08:38

Watching someone you love over eat to a dangerous extent is heartbreaking. There is very little you can do but you want so much for them to be well and happy.

It's got fuck all to do with only caring about them if they are slim.

nannybeach · 10/10/2016 08:40

If she had had help from GP mental health eating disorder clinic, and it hasnt worked, you have to be direct, download the documentary on diabetis last week, show her what shes in for. Talk to her face to face, tell her you are worried. Unfortunately, its her body,her life, at the end of the day. Had a similar scenario with a relative, kept telling them I was worried about a lump, in the end I said "right, you have got cancer, I am making you an appointment with the GP", another family member was shocked I was so direct, I tried everything else over a period on months, they have now had operation, waiting to here if its all been removed, and praying very much that I may have saved their life!

randomer · 10/10/2016 08:40

its not about food

Phalenopsisgirl · 10/10/2016 08:42

I think if you do want to write this letter you need to have an action plan in place, this is not just about being a bit fat, this is a serious eating disorder, you need to treat it as you would anorexia etc. I'd get some profession advice and take it from there. You definitely are wrong to want to make some sort of intervention, you clearly love and care for your sister. There will be someone out there that knows what's best and how too help her beat this addiction. The worst part is if she was an alcoholic she would be taught to avoid alcohol and never drink. You can't 'give up' food, every day she has to eat something. We don't expect someone in AA to just have one little drink and stop, so this is going to be an incredibly hard road and she will need a lot of strong support. Lipotrim is an extreme diet but can be very helpful with food addiction as the addict does go cold turkey which is in many ways much easier than trying to moderate the addiction right from the start. She would also loose weight extremely fast (a stone in the first 2-3 weeks) and this can be a great motivator over 1-3 lb a week

Phalenopsisgirl · 10/10/2016 08:45

' Aren't wrong' typo

Threebedsemii · 10/10/2016 08:46

^^ alcohol is physically addictive, and there is no evidence food is so it's not comparable. Chronic alcoholics do in fact need alcohol daily otherwise they can die from withdrawal. If that's what the lipotrim diet tells you it sounds like a load of crap.

OP you need to clarify the level of medical concern you're referring because if your sister is morbidly obese (as you say) and your idea of help is a bit of slimming world/ Cambridge diet/ weight watchers then you are not able to offer her the support she needs.

MorrisZapp · 10/10/2016 08:46

To all of you saying 'she already knows', what about all the very many people on here and put there who say they absolutely didn't know how heavy they'd become?

They were in stretchy clothes, avoided mirrors etc. Often a key event causes a 'wake up moment', like appearing in a wedding video.

gratesnakes · 10/10/2016 08:47

Please never mention her obesity. As Romantic walks says in her first post just make sure she knows you love her, you enjoy her company and you think she is beautiful. Which I hope you do. My cousin who I love has been obese since she was a teen. As far as I know her family all just accept it and it is never mentioned. She always looks fab and wears lovely colours etc and is very popular. She married a lovely man in her 20s and he gradually got fat too. Now in their 40s they have done 5:2 for a year and a half and they are slim. I don't know if they will keep it off and I don't really care. I think they have done it for health reasons. Just continue to show your love and respect for your sister and one day she may choose to lose weight. Would you write a letter like that to Dawn French if she was your sister?

AnUtterIdiot · 10/10/2016 08:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

user1471471282 · 10/10/2016 08:48

Actually I'm going to go against the grain and say you should send one. As someone who has a morbidly obese brother where there are serious heart problems in the family amongst other illnesses that can be brought on/affected by weight I know the struggle and frustration.
Yes my brother is aware of his weight and is massively in denial as he claims he barely eats anything but sometimes a letter that they can read as many times as they want and learn the real concern that you have over potentially losing a family member you love dearly can be the final piece they need to get the help they need. As long as it is sensitively done then I don't see how it can cause any harm and if it doesn't have the outcome you wanted then at least you can say you tried and not look back and wonder what if.

EreniTheFrog · 10/10/2016 08:48

Please don't write it. It won't help, honestly.

ChocolatyClair · 10/10/2016 08:48

Change is a complicated process. Being told you should change - even knowing you should change - won't make any difference until you feel the desire to change. Your sister doesn't need more reasons to feel guilty and judged so tear up the letter and instead show her how wonderful she is and how much she means to you and maybe you'll help her feel that she is worthy of change.

lasttimeround · 10/10/2016 08:49

Don't do it. Tell her you love her and worry about losing her. Tell her if you can ever help her you will. Everything else will just feed into self disgust. And anger with you. Sorry.

P1nkP0ppy · 10/10/2016 08:50

Your sister is very well aware that she is obese, she doesn't need a letter from you to compound how she feels, for goodness sake!
By all means broach the subject tactfully face to face but don't write a letter that would probably sound patronising regardless of how you phrase it.

Phalenopsisgirl · 10/10/2016 08:50

Nope I was talking about my own experiences, I completely disagree about food not being an addiction, the addiction may not have the same effects on the body that alcohol, heroin, tobacco do but addiction isn't just about that, as anyone who has given up smoking will know, long after your body has quit your mind will still crave

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 10/10/2016 08:51

Fat people know they are fat. And presumably these people who 'didn't realise' how bad they had become haven't had to buy bigger and bigger clothes, because that's kind of a giveaway really.

A letter could do permanent harm and the idea comes across as patronising. She either realises she had a problem in which case it's for her to ask for help if she wants it or she doesn't in which case it's likely to devastate her

ZazieCats · 10/10/2016 08:54

Don't send the letter.

A recent study showed that children whose parents think they are fat, gain more weight than children whose parents don't think they are fat (whether the child is fat or thin to start with). Family noticing doesn't help, whether it's ridicule or kind concern.

That level of binge eating is likely to come from a complex place. There are likely to be psychological issues, ranging from general self-esteem. There could be something like sexual assault or bullying you don't know about behind it a a root cause.

I know you feel powerless, fearful and frustrated. But this would make you feel a bit better temporarily and do no good, possibly a lot of harm.

Don't do it.

MorrisZapp · 10/10/2016 08:56

Almost every post or article I read from the pov of a very overweight person includes an element of not knowing.

I didn't realise how big I was until I couldn't fit in an airline seat.

I didn't realise how big I was til I saw that photo.

I didn't realise how big I was til my children stopped asking me to play football with them

Etc etc.

Knowing something intellectually is absolutely not the same as knowing it emotionally.

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