To write a 'wake up' letter to my obese sister

[SisterSister123]

Name changed for extra privacy as this is a delicate subject.

Basically my older sister (early twenties) is morbidly obese. I think the cause was a cycle of being a chubby kid, teasing at school, comfort eating, being a chubbier kid etc... My mum often found evidence a serious secret binges. Tried to support various ways but ultimately she was the only person who could stop.

She is currently living with our parents. Whilst they were away for the weekend they asked me to go in and walk the dog/feed the cat as sister works at weekends.

I'm not sure if she knew I was due to be coming around as the kitchen was full to bursting with junk food. I'm talking pizza boxes, Chinese wrappers, chocolates, ready meals, cake, muffins, cheesecake, crisps, cream, ice cream, muffins...my mum doesn't buy things like this as she is conscious to support my sister (currently dieting). My parents were away for 3days and so she was obviously planning to eat all of this before their return.

I was devestated to see all that. I am terrified that she will get ill (diabetes cancer and heart disease are all in our family). Basically she is eating herself to death and I feel that nothing we can do will help. Any conversations over the years have been met with defensiveness and basically ignored.

It's not just her health, her confidence and therefore social life has also massively suffered. She is often miserable and nasty (I'm sure as a defence) Which is so sad to see.

I wanted to write her a letter, something she could read and digest in private. Tell her how scared I am and that she needs to change for her health. I wrote it out but in the end was too scared to leave it as I didn't want to upset her. Now I feel like a coward.

As a family we have tried various things before. Asked her to come along with me to slimming world when I was trying to loose my baby weight etc. She came but didn't change any habits so her weight stayed the same.

I'm very much aware that she is an adult and it's her choice to eat what she likes. But likewise she is my sister and I love her and I want her to be healthy and happy. Should I have sent the wake up letter? Or am I getting involved in something that doesn't concern me?

Leave off the weight, focus on being there helping encourage her to get out socially so she can build up confidence

Find other ways to show you love her and care for her without the weight issue coming into it. Build her self-esteem. That is the only thing that's changed for me - the fact that I actually like the person I am and I feel like I'm worth something because the people around me make me feel that way - there is no judgement, just love and kindness.

I was obese. Throughout my childhood and twenties my poor dear mother tried every angle, to push me to lose it, with the best of intentions. All of which just made me feel embarrassed and humiliated and sent me further into the spiral of defiant comfort binging. Then one day, in my early thirties, I suddenly decided, completely out of the blue, to see if I could lose a bit and get a bit healthier. I joined slimming world and lost 11 stone. The people I love most are the people who never treated me any different when I was fat. Only she can change and all you can do is love her unconditionally.

We would not ignore a heroin addition

No you wouldn't. Just like you wouldn't ignore alcohol addiction. And sometimes staging an intervention and popping someone in rehab works. Not just because you are separating them from their drug, but because they often receive a great deal of support and support networks.

Even THEN, many addicts just tumble back into addiction. Because what people don't realize is that often the addiction is a symptom of a larger problem. Just like aneorexia and binge eating are symptoms of a much larger problem. Unless you address that larger issue (self esteem, poverty, depression, etc) you have very little hope of curing the symptoms.

You can put a drug addict in rehab and stop them from taking their drug, you can't stop a person from eating or force food down their throats. You have to try and cure the larger disease while allowing them to stay on, or force them to take, their drug of choice. Which makes these issues so much harder.

And since the issue is probably self esteem related, interventions or letters of concern are more likely going to cause a downward spiral, rather than a desire to change.

Just a point, does anyone know how often interventions of drug addicts/alcoholics fail? I've been involved in 3 and not a single one has resulted in anything but a downward spiral for the addict.

And before I'm accused of generalizing,

There are always people who don't fit the above. Most smokers started because they thought it was cool, it wasn't really something they did to fill a need. Many alcoholics as well. And I suppose a lot of drug addicts. So just getting them off the drug and getting them into a support system to help control cravings may be enough. Like all the people who put on weight during pregnancy and just got a little lax or started to enjoy food a bit too much. They can break the cycle because they aren't using it to fill other holes. The drug is the disease.

However, judging by what the OP said, this isn't her sister.

You're welcome Romantic

Rather then belittle her (and that is how she will feel) can you be more practical. Go for a walk with her, invite her round for dinner and cook a healthy meal.

Hi OP I have been in your shoes, I am now ten years down the line with a wonderful gorgeous older sister who is only just now doing something about her weight.

Yes, there are health implications but your sister is really unlikely to drop dead any time soon, she has some time!

With my sister the ONLY thing that has worked is total acceptance of her and love. Obesity is an eating disorder the same as anorexia and buililmia and recovery is about addressing low self esteem, lack of self-love and actually a not unreasonable reaction to living in a culture where vast amounts of empty calories are available constantly, with huge amounts of conflicting advice about nutrition and a general consensus that fat people CANNOT be sexy...

No one feels worse about her weight than she does. No one is judging your sister more than she already does. No one has less hope for her future than your sister does. She doesn't need to carry your concern as well as her own.

Sit down with her and tell her how much you love her. Tell her every day. Talk to her about how she sees herself and why. Never judge her. Compliment her on her body (at 16 stone my sister has a gorgeous waist, fab legs and the most beautiful face. She also gives the BEST HUGS you will ever receive and has good tits!) Make her a part of your family unit and love her as completely and unconditionally as you can. It might take her years and years and you will have to be patient. There is no quick fix, just the slow pouring of love into her to heal whatever made her eat this way.

If your parents are on board with this process all the better...

Please also explore support materials around anorexia and bullimia, there is a lot out there and huge amounts of it apply to overeating disorders.

If I received a letter like that, I would head straight to the fridge. I know you mean well and that the letter is written with love and for the right reasons.

From what you say and the fact she had so much food stored for when your parents went away, she is a secret binger, one way to help her is to spend time with her, so she is rarely on her own, the secret binges could be replaced by walks, trips to the cinema, bowling, even eating out somewhere healthy where she will be served normal sized portions.

I also agree with others, that she may need some extra support from a mental health expert, depression can make you overeat, this makes you gain weight, and the circle continues.

All you can do is be there for her, and love, support her

x

You can put a drug addict in rehab and stop them from taking their drug

And they will go back to the drug once they are out, if it's not their choice to quit. Same as with food.

Not criticising what you said, just reinforcing it, and saying that even for drugs, if the addict doesn't want to quit, they will simply go back.

The motivation has to come from within. Usually when rock bottom is reached.

OP, what do you think would be rock bottom for your sister?

I'm watching this thread with interest because I have the same issue with my sister except she is only seventeen. I feel, as she's so young, I have duty to try to help her but I just don't know what to do that would do more harm than good. She has really stacked on the weight over the last 5 years. My mum has tried different approaches but has given up now and left her to it. My mum is not overweight herself, but she has some slightly odd food issues which I think have contributed to my sister's issues.

My sister, however, seems happy enough, has lots of friends and a good social life, and is absolutely lovely and fun to spend time with.

Anyone who has ongoing weight issues: is there anything that you could have said/done for your seventeen year old self that would have helped?

I've got something in between bulimia and binge-eating disorder, and I think I would welcomed me a letter, but not the one you describe OP.

She knows she's fat. She's also miserable by the sounds of it. She doesn't want to live like this, or enjoy it.

What she needs is an offer of support, IMO and experience. Maybe offer to go to the Drs with her (although there is so little money for mental health we services ATM this is probs not going to result in much medical help), go walking/cycling with her, or just talk, if she'd like to.

It's good you're concerned, but try to offer constructive help, not just tell her stuff she already knows, and is probably very ashamed of.

Good luck.

What makes me furious is when I catch my mother or father looking at me sideways, ...... my mother taking a peak at the labels in my clothes to check my clothing size....... suggestions that 'perhaps we should skip the planned sunday lunch and just have a sandwich' etc.

Romantic do you mind if I ask you about your thought process around this?

I ask because I have an extremely overweight sister and I know my parents are worried about her, as are we all.

Mam wanted to buy her a coat she'd been going on about for ages and aske her what size she was. Without wanting to sound horrible, it was obvious the size she said was nowhere near what size she is so when she went to the bathroom, I checked the size on her cardigan. She came back and completely lost her shit!

I felt awful but I also didn't really see the harm! We can see what size she is, we love her regardless.

Anyway I think we all learned from then just not to try to buy her clothing as presents. But sometimes it gets a little frustrating to be tiptoeing around her all the time. Like, when I had gained a stone or so, I mentioned feeling like shit and she started crying saying I was being horrible to her because she's so much bigger!

I would just like to understand the thinking around it because I can't ask her. She's a beautiful person. But her weight is even changing her personality.

I just wonder, what could your family do that wouldn't make you furious?

Very difficult situation OP. I also do not think there is a right or wrong way to handle this. You know your sister well enough I should imagine, to get some idea of what her reaction would be to receiving a letter.

As others have said, if she has an eating disorder, which it sounds like it well may be, then she needs medical help. For the disorder, once that is treated, then physically she may well cope better with foods etc, and then focus on weight loss.

You could maybe change what you wanted to say, either by chatting face to face, or in a letter, putting there how you value her etc, and you want to help, so could you make an appointment for her, go with her to dr etc. Be her support system.

Someone with an eating disorder doesn't see things how you do. I know, I have the opposite problem. I see what I want to see...... Having support is important, and you sound like a very good sister, I wish I had a sister like you in my life.

Do you have a family friend who is in the middle of losing weight? Could they offer some support, it makes it easier if it comes from someone who has been in the same position - and prefferably not at the end of the battle as that can come across as smug - bit like ex smokers can sometimes be the most critical of smokers!

I am overweight, I don't deny it but my sister makes me feel shit about it constantly. It's always her fist comment - I got engaged she asked me about losing weight for the wedding, I got pregnant - again first comment, I had the baby - when are you going to lose the weight (ironically I gained nothing overall after two pregnancies so no baby weight to speak of to lose). I feel monitored everytime I eat near her.

She has battled with her weight but is a convert, she has a gym 2 minutes walk from her house that is included in their maintenance fee, she has no concept of how easy/cheap that makes going to the gym for her - she gets up, goes, comes home and gets ready for the day. She seems to think we can all be up at 5:30 to do a gym session and it will solve the issue!

I tend to switch off make the right noises and nod a lot when she gets into one of her lectures! Also my personality is a a bit belligerent and the more she tells me to go to the gym the more I won't!!

The topic of obesity was covered on this weeks episode of Casualty. It portrayed the things the obese person goes through really well.

Your sister seems to have an eating disorder. Despite your best intentions i dont think your honest letter approach will work, she will just further close off and be more secretive about it. She could definitely do with therapy but you just cannot coax her into it, she needs to want it herself.

WalterMitty - you say "Without wanting to sound horrible, it was obvious the size she said was nowhere near what size she is so when she went to the bathroom, I checked the size on her cardigan. She came back and completely lost her shit!

I felt awful but I also didn't really see the harm!"

The harm was you basically showed you didn't believe her or trust what she said, in effect calling her a liar when you went off to check. Why bother asking her if you could have checked the cardigan anyway? It could come across that you and your mum are trying to shame her and catch her out by getting her to say her size out loud... The words were not said but the actions speak loudly.

What could you have done? Get her the coat in the size she asked for, instead of infantilising her. She could have exchanged it for another size.

"Like, when I had gained a stone or so, I mentioned feeling like shit" - you are saying that your weight determines how you feel. Therefore you are implying that your sisters weight determines how you feel about her. It comes back to the "fat = horrible" message: that is what she is picking up on.

If you want her to know how much she is loved, then just show her love.

You're not failing her, because it's not your problem to solve. It's hers. It's one of these things where you cannot help at this stage. You cannot make her want to change, and it has to be her that wants it.

If and when she decides to change, there are things you could do to support it - for me, that would include simply not mentioning it; not commenting on whether she's chosen to eat something off-diet on a certain day, not commenting on whether she's chosen well, not commenting on her size, her weight, nothing. Just showing interest in her as a person. For others, it might be wanting someone to go with them to appointments or classes, or do fitness with them.

But you can only help at the point where she wants help. Nothing you do will make her want to change, so a letter will just be interfering. you can't take food away from her in the way you can a drug, and without solving the underlying problems, it wouldn't be successful anyway.

It's her life, her weight, and she has to find a solution. She will absolutely be aware of it, she knows what the right choices are, but for various reasons, can't manage it right now - doesn't mean it won't change in the future - but telling her now won't make her want to change any more than she does (or doesn't) already. She already gets judged constantly by society, and likely feels bad and guilty for that, and it only contributes to the problem - often by increasing depressing, anxiety, etc, which have all sorts of compounded effects for the individual and society. I often think that if people were a whole lot kinder to fat people, then they would feel much more supported and likely to change, because they felt worth it.

It isn't about you or anyone else in your family, and however much you think you're affected by the possibility of losing her, it's her life, and you can't make her happy, or motivated to be healthy. You can only support her when she is deciding to make those changes for herself.

Good God. Talk about kicking someone when they're down.
She probably "woke up" a long long time ago.
She certainly doesn't need snidey letters to tell her what she is.
If I got a letter like that off someone. I'd just be inclined to eat more.
It goes back to the fact that noone likes being told what to do, eat ect, and what size to be.

I think if you want to express your concern be it by letter or in person it will be met with hostility and defensiveness.

You may fall out with your sister for a time. That doesn't mean that your sister won't take some of what you've said on board. She may thank you one day for it.
At the moment she's young, in her twenties. At that age I had little regard for my health and was fairly selfish and headstrong. I was drinking and regularly taking drugs and because I was young it had little effect on my health. As with your sister, I doubt she has developed any serious medical conditions due to her obesity. These will come when she is older. For now, she hasn't had a serious health scare like heart problems, infertility or diabetes.

It's only now I'm older that I am more considerate of how my actions affect my health and others around me.
It may help to make her aware how her issues are impacting on those that love her. That you're all worried sick about her health.

As with other addictions, tough love can work. The fall out from intervening may make you wish you had left her be, but long term it could be beneficial to her recovering.

It's a tough call. My heart goes out to you and your sister.

It never even dawned on me to see it that way, Wu. And I know it didn't dawn on my mam.

Sister never buys herself nice things so my mam just wanted her to have something she could enjoy there and then (we were out at the time and had stopped for a cuppa, which is how the whole conversation happened).

God, I feel like a right cow now! I wasn't trying to catch her out. She just really wouldn't have fit in the coat. Of course, we should have just let her change the size herself.

Re: my gaining the stone, I felt like shit because my clothes weren't fitting properly and I mentioned in passing "ffs, I'll have to sort this now, I'm not forking out for a new wardrobe" not that being heavier made me shit IYSWIM.

WalterMitty the reason I get angry is because my familyare not coming from a placeof love and support (unlike it seems the OP, and indeed you and your family in the example you gave). They are coming from a position of criticism and even disgust I think. My DDad expresses his opinion that being overweight is 'disgusting' that people 'just need self control' etc. They were visiting last week and we watched some show on BBC was wearing a suit that was too tight for him and bulged a bit, and DDad spat out how revolting it was. My DMum has had weight issues for decades, and usually is not slimmer than me. On my actual wedding day she could not stop crowing about how she was thinner than me. I was 9 stone 12 on my wedding day and that made me feel like shit. (I'm 13 stone now, and just under 5 ft). M whole family have issues- DDad's only sister is very very thin and she is always talking about how much so and so eats, how much they weigh etc. Weight is a BIG issue in my family.

I have worked with counsellors for years trying to get a handle on my food issues and eating disorders. Long long road ahead of me still, but the sneaky look at my clothing size sends me right over the edge.

sorry, my keyboard is sticking so some spaces are missing. And I mean; 'Some host on some show on the BBC'

Don't mention it but say you miss her. Can you arrange to see her say once a week or fortnight and go for a short walk just for some fresh air and a chat which may start to give her a bit of confidence? It's a bit cool now but even a flask of tea on a park bench watching the birds etc. Don't quizz her or talk about her weight, let her bring it up if she wants to. Sounds like something else is the problem and eating is the way she manages it.

I am morbidly obese. I cry everytime I look in a mirror and hate the way I look and feel. A letter from my sister would probably send me over the edge if I thought every time she looked at me she thought about how disgusting I looked and worried for my health. What I need from my sister is unconditional love and a relationship where I can confide in her how I feel. Then if the time comes where I can find the strength to be hungry all the time and diet I will be able to ask her for help. If you are thinking of writing a letter you are not close enough to her to do it.