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AIBU?

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Original poster

To ask why evening invitations to weddings are considered rude/ cold?

409 replies

LucyLot · 08/10/2016 22:23

I am getting married at Christmas time. We can have 140 guests to the full day but both have large ish families and actually there are a lot of people we want to invite but can't afford to have at the full meal so we have had to go through the list and we have an additional 40 or so we are inviting to the evening do.

This number includes some cousins, work friends etc. We still really value these people we just had to draw the line somewhere. MIL seems to think offering an evening invitation is an insult. We are only giving people evening invitations of they live locally (in the same city).

Personally I don't see the problem- we will be inviting them to a party with a hot buffet, cake and some free champagne, what's wrong with that! We are not asking for gifts.

Would anyone here be offended to receive an evening invitation?

OP posts:
Bishybishybarnabee · 09/10/2016 01:06

I do find the idea a bit odd. If I want someone at my (hypothetical) wedding I want them there to see me get married, and for the whole thing. To my mind you work out who you want there, then fit your budget around that.

That said, people should do what they want for their own 'big day', and if that's the dream venue and a restriction on numbers then no need to be offended, go or not go.

Call a spade a spade and own your decisions though. I recently went to a wedding which had 5 different 'tiers' of invite - different guests invited to different elements of the wedding. All we heard from the bride in the run up was how upsetting it was that 'the venue' was limiting how many she could have when. No, they picked the venue they wanted for their day knowing what restrictions that are like mean. Good on them, but just be honest about it.

MommaGee · 09/10/2016 01:10

Can't believe people get insulted by an evening invite!!
We had a church wedding so made it clear anyone could come watch. Wedding breakfast was close friends and family. Evening was all the ones we couldn't afford to feed all day but wanted there. I had friends who travelled down to the midday wedding then entertained themselves in the afternoon and came back for the evening do. They were just happy to he part of our day.
They didn't need to buy an outfit - it isn't a rule that you need a new outfit. They didn't have to buy a present. And if they had declined over cost of travel and accommodation I'd have understood.

AlbertaDewdrop · 09/10/2016 01:12

I dont do evening events.

If I am not close enough tor the bride of groom to attend the full event then I dont see any point in attending just the evening. I would rather spend an evening out with close friends/family and pay for it than with people that I hardly know at a wedding. TBH I prefer weddings that don't have an evening do at all.

MommaGee · 09/10/2016 01:18

All the cousins in my family do all day for the Aunts and cousins for the evenings - there's a lot of people and we all understand its expensive. Isn't it about celebrating their day not tending to a damaged ego cos you're not the most important person there?

OvariesBeforeBrovaries · 09/10/2016 01:31

We're getting married at Christmas. Tiny ceremony & meal, big party.

So far the only rejection of an evening invite we've had has been because they're out of the country for Christmas, so if people are annoyed at only being invited to the party, they haven't voiced it. Anyone outside of our immediate family and closest friends are evening-only guests, including aunts and uncles - they're all fine about it.

If they're not happy or think we're rude, they can just decline. No-one's forcing them to come for a great party with awesome food Grin

HappyAxolotl · 09/10/2016 01:32

Life lesson: whatever you do do or don't do for your wedding, someone will go off in a snit.

WanderingNotLost · 09/10/2016 02:03

The only time it upset me was when I was invited to the wedding ceremony and evening reception of a friend who was getting married near Dundee. I live in London, and had already booked the hotel etc when we received the save the dates, so was a bit surprised to get an evening reception invite! The ceremony was a 40 minute drive from the reception as well.
In the end a few people couldn't make it to the breakfast so they slotted us in. But still...

chocolateshortcake · 09/10/2016 04:42

I was only offended to receive an evening invitation once. The wedding was over 100 miles away and my dh had a full day invitation, and we are both good friends with both bride and groom! Baffled.

steff13 · 09/10/2016 04:47

I would be offended, but I'm in the US, and it's not really done here. If you're invited, you're invited to the whole shebang. The first time I'd ever heard of an "evening do," it was when John got married on Sherlock. Smile

JellyTipisthebest · 09/10/2016 04:58

I wouldn't mind if I was going to get to go to the wedding as well. If I wasn't going to get see you get married I can't see the point. But would be happy to go to the church the find something to do then back for the evening. That only really works for church weddings

Motherfuckers · 09/10/2016 05:20

I think it is really rude, as others have said you have tiers, so so obnoxious.

Desmondo2016 · 09/10/2016 05:31

I just don't get why anyone would be offended by an evening invite. None of my guests were. Surely OP you are old enough to appreciate that you are closer friends with some people than other and that not everyone considers you in their innermost circle but still likes and appreciates your friendship? Unless one of my closest friends did not invite me to the day and had invited more distant people, I can't see why any offence could be taken!

Mamabear14 · 09/10/2016 06:38

We are having immediate family only, less than 40 to ceremony and meal, not even aunts (his mum is one of 10) and then everyone to the venue for a big hog roast in the evening. There's no way we could do £120 per head for everyone that we aren't close to. If people we haven't seen apart from at a once a year family get together get offended, then frankly that's tough. No wonder people elope!

heron98 · 09/10/2016 07:52

I think it depends on people's expectations.

I was recently invited to the evening do of someone I don't know hugely well that I play a sport with.

I was actually quite touched that he'd thought of me and wanted me there.

However, if I were invited to the evening do of someone whom I considered a close friend, I would not be touched at all and wonder if we shared the same perceptions of our friendship! Unless it was a really small wedding I guess.

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeG0es · 09/10/2016 08:01

I don't get the offence either, of course people have tiers of friends and family. I'd far rather be invited to the evening do than not at all.

Headofthehive55 · 09/10/2016 08:05

It's really quite normal for people to turn up to the wedding ceremony even though there is no invite where I am from.

you aren't as close to everyone, you get to see the couple and wish them well. Much easier to get babysitters.

Instead of Young people choosing not to marry because the cost is so high perhaps the use age should be more widespread. One hundred pounds per head? Wow.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 09/10/2016 08:05

I don't even like a paying bar so evening only invitations are a real no no for me ShockGrin

Headofthehive55 · 09/10/2016 08:07

Also parents if the bride can invite people without so much of a cost implication.

Headofthehive55 · 09/10/2016 08:11

I've never been to a wedding where there wasn't a pay bar, but then my friends and family were not rich.

GardenDreamer · 09/10/2016 08:17

Not at all... everyone understands, especially if they've been involved in other people's weddings or they have got married themselves.
To be honest, some people feel quite relieved in a way (if they are friends in the wider circle / family) because sometimes it can be slightly daunting attending a wedding- lots of people to meet in a fairly formal situation (that can be a preconception anyway) and to slip into the relaxed evening do is some people's preference (as I say, if they aren't in the tight circle of friends and relations).
Most people are really thrilled to be invited in any way at all, they won't be offended.

GraceGrape · 09/10/2016 08:24

I may be wrong, but I assume that evening -only guests originate from a time when most people's family and friends were local - you had a small wedding and meal with your family then invited the wider community for a shindig. Now people's friends and family are much more spread out. Evening -only really only works for local people.

Also, I think weddings have generally grown into much larger affairs and some people seem to feel they have to invite everyone they know. I wouldn't consider someone I'm in a book group or yoga class with, for example, to be close enough to invite to a wedding.

NervousNellie313 · 09/10/2016 09:15

Not rude at all, why should you invite friends you rarely see or aren't close to or cousins/ family members you haven't seen in years over people you see all the time?

This happened to me when I was going to get married. A girl I'd known 10 years got the hump becauae she assumed she'd get a day invite. In the last 2 years I'd seen her say 4 times, we don't socialise together she had no idea what was going on in my life we'd just drifted apart

Soupandasandwich · 09/10/2016 09:19

In general, I don't find them rude. IME, it tends to be work colleagues or people you know from an activity and are friendly with, but not 'close'to.
When we married we had family and close friends to everything and then colleagues and activity 'friends'to the evening. Everybody was invited with their partner, regardless of whether we knew partner or not and children were also included. We had a meal for the main wedding breakfast and a full buffet with hit andcold food in the evening. We also had a free bar for everyone. People expected to give a gift (this was when people tended not to live together first) towards the couple's first home. However, work colleagues had given me a gift from the office, as had dh's, do definitely no expectations of further gifts from them. Everybody was welcome at the church.
We were evening guests at several weddings. No problem at all. The local registrars office has a very small capacity so I've known dome friends where the room wasn't even big enough to accommodate all their family.
I suppose it's different now, but when I married, the only choices were church or registrars office, not like now with different venues. But of course that had made weddings into big business and I don't think we'd be able to have the same kind of inclusive wedding today that we could afford back then.

FrameyMcFrame · 09/10/2016 09:21

I think it's the feeling that some people are more important to you.
Like the pp said, what sort of other party would it be acceptable to have 2 tiers of guests?
I do think it rude.

FrameyMcFrame · 09/10/2016 09:21

I think it's the feeling that some people are more important to you.
Like the previous poster said, what sort of other party would it be acceptable to have 2 tiers of guests?
I do think it rude.

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