To ask why evening invitations to weddings are considered rude/ cold?

[LucyLot]

I am getting married at Christmas time. We can have 140 guests to the full day but both have large ish families and actually there are a lot of people we want to invite but can't afford to have at the full meal so we have had to go through the list and we have an additional 40 or so we are inviting to the evening do.

This number includes some cousins, work friends etc. We still really value these people we just had to draw the line somewhere. MIL seems to think offering an evening invitation is an insult. We are only giving people evening invitations of they live locally (in the same city).

Personally I don't see the problem- we will be inviting them to a party with a hot buffet, cake and some free champagne, what's wrong with that! We are not asking for gifts.

Would anyone here be offended to receive an evening invitation?

I think it's the thoughtlessness of hosts which upsets, not the evening invite itself. It is often assumed you will be so delighted to be included in any way at all that you will be OK with not much or no catering/ waiting outside during speeches etc

A relative of mine sent me an evening invite only to her wedding. We weren't hugely close, as there's a little bit of an age gap, but nor is our family very big. The trouble was that the wedding was over 60 miles away in a town I didn't know at all, I was a single mother with a new born baby (who would be 4 months at the time of the wedding), I don't have a car, and no one in my family lives near enough to me to give us a lift. So I declined. Then apparently, words were had within the family and a day invite materialised. I actually felt bad for the bride because we'd never been all that close and I would have understood if I hadn't made the cut. But then when the day invitation later arrived, I felt obliged to go...which was a nightmare - a complicated four hour round trip train journey with a four month old on my own... I remember changing my son on the floor of the public loos next to the registry office because the loos on the train were out of order. It was nice seeing family members but really, I didn't want to make the huge trek, they didn't especially want me and the whole thing was more about how people think they ought to behave rather than doing what is best.

I was also invited evening only to a local affair where only ten people hadn't been to the wedding breakfast. Everyone was already completely pissed when I arrived, on my own, stone cold sober and unable to catch up. Again I understood why I hadn't been invited to the day thing but it would have been kinder just not to invite the extras at all.

I don't think its rude. Personally I am always delighted if I don't get an invite to weddings as I don't like them but I know some people absolutely love a wedding.

I'm another one who loathes evening wedding parties - actually I don' think I've ever been invited to one - I was once and then I was 'upgraded' as someone else dropped out - looking back it was incredibly rude but funnily enough that friend and I are now incredibly good friends the marriage long since over.

I totally agree that if you can't afford to host all your friends then have a less expensive do or just don't bother with the evening party.

I have been married twice - first time it was just invite everyone to an informal get together in my parents' garden (and a scout marquee ), the second time we just had five guests - much nicer.

I don't mind either way. It's never bothered me. I love that I can be a part of someone's special day, in whatever form!

However, a couple of friends of mine invited many of the evening invites to the ceremony - both church ceremonies - and then to the evening do. A big group of us that knew each other then went to lovely pubs, ate and had a couple of drinks and then made our way to the evening do! Was lovely!!

We did evening speeches, cake cutting then first dance at the start of our evening do so it felt like our guests turned up for something not just a party

Totally fine! No-one normal can afford to invite all their friends to the day do, we had 70 family and close friends in the day and another 200 plus for the evening! Agree most people won't travel miles for the evening but my lovely work colleagues came 30 miles and stayed over. If your guests are local then no problem - they'll just be happy to share your party and celebrate with you! Hope you have a wonderful day!

I'd love to know where all these dirt cheap venues with endless capacity are...

I think they are fine for friends or acquaintances if they are local. The only time I've ever been offended was when my cousin invited me to an evening do 6 hours drive away. My only childcare (my family) were all invited to the day do. To me that just said I wasn't really welcome so politely declined

Recently attended an evening do & tbh out of all the evening dos I've ever been to, this was one of those where I really did feel like a spare part.
There was only probably 6 of us invited to the evening do and we were all stood around like spare parts for a while as the day guests were still sitting at their tables. Felt a bit what are we doing here other than adding another present to the mix That's honestly what it felt like. I really wished I hadn't bothered.

Apart from that, I've been to some cracking evening dos and wouldn't feel offended not being invited to the main event, only if it was close family of course or only if there were a handful of us.

*wish

when my cousin was getting married only my dad ( he was giving her way ) was invited to the full wedding ...to me a wedding is to see the person getting married not the evening reception

all his side of the family aunties, uncles, neighbours, friends were invoted to full thing my dad and her mum were the only ones from her side apart from one bridesmaid who wasa close friends at the night reception it was basically the same loads from his family / friends circle and about 10 relations rom her's

Personally, if you are having a fair sized wedding, it feels to me a bit like grouping the guests into categories of important and not as important.

Isn't that just life? My mother is more important to me than my cousins. My oldest friend is more important than my drinking mates from work. That doesn't mean the less important people are unimportant.

At what other time in your life would you be expected to pretend that literally everyone you enjoy having in your life is of equal importance to you?

Personally, if you are having a fair sized wedding, it feels to me a bit like grouping the guests into categories of important and not as important.

Isn't that just life? My mother is more important to me than my cousins. My oldest friend is more important than my drinking mates from work. That doesn't mean the less important people are unimportant.

Yes, quite.

We had A-J lists IIRC. A-list were the obvious parents/siblings/grandparents/best man etc, then B-list other relatives and C-list our housemates, and so on. The cut-off for all day came at about E/F and then everyone else was evening.

How do you set a cut off except by family politics how close you are to people? I'd be gutted to bump someone's Aunty Teresa just because my name is higher up the alphabet!

I wouldn't feel offended receiving an evening invitation; I just wouldn't be bothered to go.

I think it's funny how people are moaning about having to buy a new outfit and pay for hotel just for an evening invitation. When actually you don't! It's your choice to buy a new outfit and to get drunk, not the bride and grooms.

I wouldn't be offended, any invitation is an honor in my opinion.

I've got an invitation for an evening do this weekend but it's only a ten quid taxi ride away and I'm not offended in the least. I won't be shelling out for a new frock though

The only time I've been asked to evening only, my other half had been invited for the full day. Strike one - don't seperate couples.
When the evening people got there (I didn't know a soul, only those who were there for the day), the day people were seated at their tables finishing dinner. We had to sit on different tables and listen to the speeches - the most tedious element of any wedding. We were given one glass of fizz for the toast - nothing else on our tables. Strike 2 - don't withhold hospitality for the evening crew!
It was hideous, and we both left soon thereafter, even though DH would probably have otherwise stayed - he wasn't entirely comfortable with being one side of a huge room at a table with dinner and friends while I was on the other side with strangers and thin air.

local and you're my colleague I don't care.

far away and you've invited me all that way at least have the decency to issue an all dayer card. Can you as a guest (eg is it polite) turn down a daytime event and say you will go to evening only if you're invited to a wedding which requires an overnight stay??

I am happy to have just evening invite if I am local. I understand tables and chairs take up a lot of space and more can fit in evening.

The one that annoyed me was when I was invited to a 2 day wedding abroad and only very close family went to the ceremony.

I think it's rude. The only important part is the ceremony itself, all the rest is optional, so I'd be offended not to be invited to a ceremony as it feels like missing the entire point of the day. I wouldn't go just to an evening reception because I would feel like the host didn't want me there for the most important part.

We had sixty guests to an afternoon tea reception straight after our wedding ceremony, followed by an evening meal for ten people. It worked brilliantly, we had lots of comments about how people were relieved only to have to travel on the day and not pay for overnight too.

I think its fine and would be glad for the invite - even if it's for the evening only.

I had invitations for the ceremony and the evening do. I think not inviting people to the actual ceremony is a little insulting and I've been offended by invitations for evening only. I explained that my sit down wedding breakfast was only going to be twenty guests due to budget. Most took that on board and were not insulted but had a great time. We had a barn and people brought old friends on their invite as it was an open invite. If your ceremony venue is small then explain this. Otherwise invite everyone to the ceremony. You are less likely to offend and most will only come in the evening.

Think it depends on your culture and what's the norm. I had never heard of an evening only invite to a wedding before living in the UK, so it was a new one on me. Because where I come from you invite one set of people to everything. (and limit numbers!) But I guess if it is an acceptable norm, that's fine. TBH its your wedding, do what you like and don't spent wasted time worrying about what others think or feel...It's the one day you should be able to do exactly what you like!

I wouldn't accept an evening-only invitation if it meant paying for travel and overnight accommodation, yet not even seeing the couple get married. I'd be far happier to come to a daytime wedding and have tea/coffee afterwards in the church hall. That leaves plenty of time to find the pub/fish and chips and head home afterwards during the day.