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AIBU?

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Original poster

To ask why evening invitations to weddings are considered rude/ cold?

409 replies

LucyLot · 08/10/2016 22:23

I am getting married at Christmas time. We can have 140 guests to the full day but both have large ish families and actually there are a lot of people we want to invite but can't afford to have at the full meal so we have had to go through the list and we have an additional 40 or so we are inviting to the evening do.

This number includes some cousins, work friends etc. We still really value these people we just had to draw the line somewhere. MIL seems to think offering an evening invitation is an insult. We are only giving people evening invitations of they live locally (in the same city).

Personally I don't see the problem- we will be inviting them to a party with a hot buffet, cake and some free champagne, what's wrong with that! We are not asking for gifts.

Would anyone here be offended to receive an evening invitation?

OP posts:
Terrifiedandregretful · 09/10/2016 00:14

I'm always really pleased to get an evening invitation. You get the fun but without the boring hanging around while photos are taken and listening to tedious speeches bit.

MidniteScribbler · 09/10/2016 00:15

People have to manage their budgets.

They could just have a wedding they could afford, without relegating some of their guests to second class citizens.

Terrifiedandregretful · 09/10/2016 00:17

Also you're not obliged to go, or to buy a gift even if you do go. I just don't get how inviting someone to any aspect of your wedding can be considered rude! (Cheesy poems asking for money on the other hand...)

PaniWahine · 09/10/2016 00:24

Down under, no such thing as an evening invite - I've explained the concept to my family and they're horrified / disgusted. I hate weddings, including my own (although I love DH), and evening invites are a case of "Invite for politeness sake, decline for politeness sake" and the bride and groom can congratulate themselves on navigating the tricky guest list conundrum Grin

We don't go, and to be fair, if we thought we could avoid full day weddings, we would do that too 😀

Evening do invites are a UK / Irish thing.

MorrisZapp · 09/10/2016 00:25

I'm convinced that people who moan on here about being 'second tier' guests are the same ones who moan about having to spend aaaall day at a wedding, standing about etc.

Fortunately in real life most people enjoy a wedding and have fun regardless, and they accept without question long established protocols such as gift lists etc.

Duck90 · 09/10/2016 00:26

I find people book a space that is too big to fill, even with evening guests the dance floor is empty.

KeyserSophie · 09/10/2016 00:28

Local=fine
Not local= not fine

I also think it's more acceptable if the day list is short (i.e. the wedding is close friend and family only e.g. 30) and the evening is much larger (130) and if there's a venue split between day and evening (e.g. restaurant after the ceremony, then all go to venue in evening).

I wouldn't invite a minority of guests to evening only as the party is sort of already happening and they're invited half way through/ when some people are already thinking about leaving.

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 09/10/2016 00:32

I'm somewhat surprised that people invite work colleagues to their weddings! I don't understand why you'd do that. Sure you get on with them and have a laugh at work, but close enough to invite them to your wedding? That really does smack of "I want a present from more people". Yeah, yeah I know "you don't have to take a present...." but there are societal "norms" we live our lives by and giving the bride and groom a present is one of them!

roasted · 09/10/2016 00:32

People who are only invited to the evening do are clearly second class friends and the invite painfully points this out.

If someone doesn't like me enough to want me at the whole thing, I don't like them enough to make the effort. I don't think they're rude, I'm not offended - but it's made clear that we're not that close.

The exception would be if the day do was strictly family only.

YuckYuckEwwww · 09/10/2016 00:33

I'm somewhat surprised that people invite work colleagues to their weddings!

sometimes they're the ones you do end up chatting to about your wedding planning, just because of logistics

Salmotrutta · 09/10/2016 00:36

How amusing to read the post that say evening only invites are RUDE

It's a very old tradition here in Scotland to have close friends/family at the whole church and meal shenanigans but offer the hand of friendship to the wider circle by inviting them to the evening knees up!

It's not rude or "B list" it's about trying to include wider friends!

Jeez ... Some people don't half give themselves airs on MN thinking their need to have a full day invitation as a mere friend trumps the bride and grooms family.

If you are working to a frigging budget of course you have to prioritise guests?

Unless you have gazillion pounds and a venue that has the capacity of Wembley?

BackforGood · 09/10/2016 00:37

Breaking news milk......... some people actually like, and become friends with some of their colleagues.

Stevefromstevenage · 09/10/2016 00:38

They are absolutely not rude. I am from an utterly massive family. There is a standing arrangement that cousins are invited to the afters, so much so that we don't even get invites. No one thinks it is remotely rude, we go, we have a blast and the family is so utterly massive that this will never end. It is great.

MrsJayy · 09/10/2016 00:38

We had a small wedding 40 odd people and an evening Do everybody bar 2 who couldnt get a babysitter came it was lovely and we had an amazing night family travelled from England we really appreciated everybody who came.

i have been to loads of evening Dos and it is only since i joined mumsnet did i read some considered it rude , it is a bit silly really it is an invite they either go or not I dont understand the offence ,

ChequeOff · 09/10/2016 00:39

That may the case in Scotland salmo but where I'm from its extremely rude to tier your guests.

Whathaveilost · 09/10/2016 00:40

I prefer going to evening only dos.
Full day events are too much for me!

It never occured to me to be offended until i read it on MN!

The way ive always known it wad wedfing day close family and close friends and evening time is a free for all great big party!!!

CointreauVersial · 09/10/2016 00:40

Milk - I actually met DH at work, so, um, yes, there were a few colleagues at our wedding. How odd to assume that people don't make friends at work.

Salmotrutta · 09/10/2016 00:41

I'm getting quite angry reading some of the shite on this thread.

Like roasted - so you think someone with a big family should just invite them then and not include wider friends by inviting them to the evening?

MrsJayy · 09/10/2016 00:41

My family is huge my mum is 1 of 8 with an average of 3 children each plus partners plus kids the cousins all accepted it was evening invites only it really is fine

Salmotrutta · 09/10/2016 00:45

Cheque - So you'd craft your wedding plans to include every family member, friend and work colleague (that you get on with)

Gosh

Salmotrutta · 09/10/2016 00:46

And where are you from then Cheque?

MidniteScribbler · 09/10/2016 00:47

It's a very old tradition here in Scotland to have close friends/family at the whole church and meal shenanigans but offer the hand of friendship to the wider circle by inviting them to the evening knees up!

I do think it's a cultural thing. I'm Australian and it's just not heard of out here. We'd find it baffling. I also spent part of my time on a small island community and a wedding is a whole island affair where everyone chips in. If you didn't invite the whole island it would be considered weird!

ChequeOff · 09/10/2016 00:51

Yes. And if my budget covered a three course meal for only half my guests then I would scrap that and provide sandwiches for all instead.

As I said it's the height of bad manners to tier your guests where I'm from.

ChequeOff · 09/10/2016 00:52

Oh, I'm from Asia samo

swimmerforlife · 09/10/2016 00:56

Yeah, I understand the cultural difference, similar to a couple posters from down under were saying upthread.

I got married in the UK (my DH is British) but am originally from New Zealand, before arriving in the UK evening do guests were extremely new thing, it would be very much frowned upon to invite people to the evening do only.

My first evening do invite (a distant relative of DH) was a bit of a cultural shock, I wasn't offended but I was very, very surprised that certain people only got invited to the evening do.

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