To ask why evening invitations to weddings are considered rude/ cold?

[LucyLot]

I am getting married at Christmas time. We can have 140 guests to the full day but both have large ish families and actually there are a lot of people we want to invite but can't afford to have at the full meal so we have had to go through the list and we have an additional 40 or so we are inviting to the evening do.

This number includes some cousins, work friends etc. We still really value these people we just had to draw the line somewhere. MIL seems to think offering an evening invitation is an insult. We are only giving people evening invitations of they live locally (in the same city).

Personally I don't see the problem- we will be inviting them to a party with a hot buffet, cake and some free champagne, what's wrong with that! We are not asking for gifts.

Would anyone here be offended to receive an evening invitation?

We are only giving people evening invitations of they live locally (in the same city).

That is absolutely fine. I'm not a big fan of evening do's and tbh what makes me is when it's 50 miles away and I'm invited without DH.

I can't believe people say it's obnoxious and in the same breath say things like "tiered guests" and "less important guests".

Erm, of course you're less important to me than my mum and dad. Of course I'm going to prioritise my best friends over my work colleagues. Yes, I'll prioritise the best friends from uni over the ones who were friends but not in each others pockets all the time.

One minute people are saying "young people need the financial stability of marriage before they start a family", the next it's "if they can't afford to invite every single person they know including the mother in law's next door neighbour they've never met before to the whole day, they shouldn't get married until they can".

People are so incredibly arrogant sometimes!

Even if I'd wanted to I couldn't have invited everyone to the ceremony as the registry office only held 50 people - not sure how I was supposed to get around that!

I don't think anyone was offended to 'only' be invited to the evening do apart from someone who asked if she could bring her child when we specifically said no children in the evening (any that were there during the day could stay obviously). She still came though.

Exactly Ovaries.

I have only ever come across this arrogance and sense of self importance on MN. These people seem to think that money grows on trees.

Maybe the invitations should be worded something along the lines of "We are only having close family for the wedding, but would love to celebrate with all of our friends at a party in the evening."

I think it's the feeling that some people are more important to you.

Only in your mind. What don't you understand about space or money being limited?

I just don't have an issue with some people being more important than me, of course they are. I don't see the evening as an inferior, second class invitation but as a bonus party for those who otherwise would not have been invited at all. It's a party, food, drink, music, good company, what can possibly be offensive about that?

I think it's a really, really strange custom. I cannot imagine ever feeling comfortable with separating people into A list and B list.

It depends who invites you - I've been to a lot of evening dos, mostly they have been to work colleagues of me and DH.

I have once only been invited to an evening do for a very good friend - however she wanted a particular venue she couldn't afford and prioritised that over people - which wasn't the problem, she basically distanced us all (a group of us) to justify it - we never recovered the friendship (and she tried the moment the wedding was over!)

I have been invited to several evening dos which would involve hotels, lots of travel - I don't go generally. It's generally people not recognising the cost/effort involved often isn't worth it. Evening dos I think are for local people to pop along.

It's not A list and B list, it's people you are really close to plus people who you are friends with but not in such regular contact. Who no doubt also have friends that they are closer to than you.

We had a local wedding at our parish church and invited everyone to the ceremony.

Then all we could fit to the daytime meal and those we couldn't were invited to the evening do. There was dancing and a full buffet. Then we partied till 4am in the honeymoon suite with all our friends once the oldies has gone home.

Was a blast ☺

Nobody seemed to have a problem with it. Was just a happy happy day filled with love.

I think it depends on how local you are. One of my favourite weddings ever was when a group of us were evening-only invitations. We knew the church was big so we asked the bride if we could go along to the ceremony (which was at 12), and she was really pleased we wanted to. So we did that, all went home for a bit, met up for dinner together then went on to the do, nicely missing all the hanging around

On the other hand, my DSis was invited to NI for an evening do, and decided logistically it was too far so she sent a gift and met them when they were back in England.

Recently I had a formal ceremony-only invitation, which I did find a little odd!

We did evening invitations because we didn't have space for everyone and yes we did have some people who were more important than others. It was things like close family came to the main bit and work colleagues to the later bit.

I'll add - we only invited evening guests if we thought it was reasonable for them to get there eg they lived nearby!

It's not A list and B list, it's people you are really close to plus people who you are friends with but not in such regular contact

That's pretty much the definition of A list and B list.

This thread is totally bonkers - I'm so surprised that some posters claim not to have 'tiers' of friends. I thought everyone did???

In fact we were only invited to the evening do of the man who was DHs best man at our wedding a year or two later. It wasn't how I would have done things, but we certainly weren't offended!

Well if that's the definition I totally fail to see why having A list and B list friends is a problem.

Well if that's the definition I totally fail to see why having A list and B list friends is a problem.

It's not. It's making their status so obvious that is strange.

Reminds me of kids party invitations. Just seems quite juvenile.

Well to me it seems juvenile to take offence to a party invitation full stop so we'll have to agree to differ.

I wouldn't take offence to it. I would just think it was strange, and I certainly wouldn't do it myself to people I like.

We had a Friday wedding, not because it was cheaper but because it was a significant date. 40 day guests which were mostly family and closest friends.

140 extra on the night. 'Twas a bloody good do, even if I do say so myself. The guests all seemed happy to be there. With ours being a Friday I reckon quite a few were relieved to be evening-only.

We've gone to plenty of evening only do's and it never occurred to me to be offended that we weren't invited for the full day. I do think it's a bit off to invite one part of a couple to the day and one to the evening only.

I'm always relieved to get an evening only invite. Wedding ceremonies themselves bore me stupid. They're only legal procedures the party is much more interesting

It's not rude in itself I think, but it can be hurtful to to an individual if they thought you were closer friends than that.

Anything that draws a line can end up being hurtful if it exposes an asymmetry in friendship.

I wouldn't go, but not because I'd be mortally offended, but because evenings dos don't work, IMO. I've been to 2 and decided no more. In both cases It was definitely 'acquaintance' territory so I wasn't expecting to be invited at all, and only accepted as I was wrong footed. With hindsight I should have declined. Wedding organisers do need to beware of getting an inflated idea of the importance of their event to others; I think evening invites can be a misguided way to include people who actually aren't remotely fussed. I understand it's usually coming from a good place of enthusiasm etc but feels often like overkill to me.

Arriving half way through an event means you're out of step with the other guests. I have also experienced the thing where we were kept waiting in the bar while the main event winds up, which just feels rude. If you do it, make sure you take care of the evening guests properly.

I am another one who has only ever encountered this here on mn. It is completely normal where I live, there are ALWAYS extra guests who arrive in the evening. I would find it highly unusual if it didn't happen. Usually it is for friends, cousins, colleagues etc. Who invites their whole office to the wedding? What work place would even allow that?

I love it, you miss the ceremony which unless it is very close friends/family I personally find boring. Also miss that horrible bit where you are starving and having to listen to speeches etc. Personally I much prefer an eve only invite unless it is someone very close to me!

Alcon - I find it works well. Usually the evening guests come in with a fresh liveliness which helps to wake up the tired guests who have been there all day

I was asked to just the evening do recently. I was delighted to be invited. It was a small wedding and I knew cost was an issue. There's nothing rude about it.