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AIBU?

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Original poster

To ask why evening invitations to weddings are considered rude/ cold?

409 replies

LucyLot · 08/10/2016 22:23

I am getting married at Christmas time. We can have 140 guests to the full day but both have large ish families and actually there are a lot of people we want to invite but can't afford to have at the full meal so we have had to go through the list and we have an additional 40 or so we are inviting to the evening do.

This number includes some cousins, work friends etc. We still really value these people we just had to draw the line somewhere. MIL seems to think offering an evening invitation is an insult. We are only giving people evening invitations of they live locally (in the same city).

Personally I don't see the problem- we will be inviting them to a party with a hot buffet, cake and some free champagne, what's wrong with that! We are not asking for gifts.

Would anyone here be offended to receive an evening invitation?

OP posts:
Sparklingbrook · 08/10/2016 23:36

I couldn't be doing with going to the service then going home/killing time til the evening do. I would probably go to the ceremony only.

MidniteScribbler · 08/10/2016 23:36

I'm Australian, so I really don't understand evening only invites. Never heard of them before coming on MN. I just think it's rude. Surely if you are close enough to invite someone, they're close enough to actually see you get married at the ceremony?

Tinuviel · 08/10/2016 23:37

I wouldn't be offended at all. We had full and evening invites at ours although we did put details of the ceremony on all the invites and evening invites were only for people living close by. So everyone had the opportunity to come to the church to the actual service and be in the photos, then evening guests turned up at the hotel later in the day. I guess it's a bit trickier to do that if the ceremony is at the reception venue but I would never be offended.

Italiangreyhound · 08/10/2016 23:37

Of course it is fine to invite for evening only. It is an invitation to come and eat, drink and be merry. If anyone is so unimpressed they are offended, they can decline.

YuckYuckEwwww · 08/10/2016 23:37

It IS rude if they're given to people who would need to travel

I once got an invite from a work friend (who was a "mate" we socialised together) - made a big performance of handing me the invite, I'ld been to one of her dress fittings and not that that means I was "owed", its to show that I was involved beyond work aquaintance

Anyway I said "of course I'm coming, can't wait" and arranged a car share with another guest and began planning who I'ld share a room with. The wedding was in Scotland! (I'm in the south)

I didn't look at the invite properly - I was an evening guest!

That was fucking rude! I was paying for petrol and accomodation and she wasn't even gonna feed me!

Someone else dropped RSVPed no and I got bumped up to day guest.. but it left a bad taste.. friendship didn't last much longer (not solely because of this)

Evening invites are for LOCAL work mates and acquaintances!
if people aren't local to the venue, you at least feed them, if you're not going to feed them, don't invite them!

RollerDiscoQueen · 08/10/2016 23:40

I agree that evening invites should only be given to people who live locally. I assumed this was what most people did. Cheek of your friend thinking you'd travel to Scotland for an evening do! Grin

tristerflexu · 08/10/2016 23:40

I'd never heard of evening receptions until I came on MN and have never been invited to one. I wouldn't feel offended to recover an invite to one but I don't really see the point of them and they do seem a bit you are on the B list

EllenDegenerate · 08/10/2016 23:43

And you expect to be on everybody's 'A list'?

How odd Hmm

milkshakeandmonstermunch · 08/10/2016 23:44

I'm not a fan. We didn't invite "filler" to our wedding, it was all day or nothing. I wouldn't be offended at an invite for an evening do but I wouldn't go out of my way for it either. Ultimately, I'm not going to arrange childcare, travel, book a room, etc. to join a party halfway through.

YuckYuckEwwww · 08/10/2016 23:45

Cheek of your friend thinking you'd travel to Scotland for an evening do!

That's why I didn't even read it properly and didn't notice until after I accepted. I never in a million years expected it to be evening only given the distance. I wouldn't have minded her inviting me to evening only if she was getting married locally, but f-ing Scotland!!!

I didn't think people did that.. but.. they do!

Puddington · 08/10/2016 23:47

I wouldn't mind at all and don't think anyone should be offended (unless it was for example your beloved aunt or your best friend of 15 years who you had decided to only invite to the evening do, lol!). I was invited to the evening reception of a coworker's wedding earlier this year (we work in the same department every day and are very close) and it was lovely, they had lots of nice food and drink and a DJ playing good songs where we danced the night away. The coworker actually spent a lot of time talking to me & the mutual friends I came with and made us feel very welcomed and appreciated and we had a great time. I suppose the only thing might be if there's a fair distance to travel people might not be so keen, but I certainly don't see evening-only invites as offensive.

YuckYuckEwwww · 08/10/2016 23:53

as someone else touched on the concept of "a list" and "b list", I think if you do do evening invites you do need to make the line very apparent

eg. if inviting a bunch of workmates or friends from the same social circle/group/hobby, have them either all to day or all to evenign only - don't mix it up! because that's when people feel B listed : favs for day and other b list for evening - that's making a bit of a statement

BackforGood · 08/10/2016 23:54

I've been invited to lots of evening dos. Very normal where I live - over donkeys years too, not a recent thing.
To my mind, it's lovely to be invited to a party to celebrate someone's marriage. Only on MN have I ever heard that someone can be offended, or think it is 'rude' to be invited to a arty Confused.

Personally, if I were available, I would choose to go to the service if I could, because I like a nice wedding myself, but I totally understand if people don't want to - what I don't understand is people getting all airated about it. If you don't want to go, then don't - it's just an invitation.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 09/10/2016 00:00

Obviously I can only speak for myself but.
If I was invited to just the evening celebrations. I'd be highly offended.
I'm good enough to buy a present and do a Merry Dance, because you're marrying your Prince charming, yet. Not good enough to be invited to the service.
For me it'd have to be an all day invite, or I wouldn't turn up at all.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 09/10/2016 00:00

Like I said, though. I'm only speaking for myself

Lorelei76 · 09/10/2016 00:03

Oh service + hang around while others eat+ evening invite is the pits. But totally different to evening only.

ChequeOff · 09/10/2016 00:03

Each to their own and all that but personally I'd never tier guests.

VioletBam · 09/10/2016 00:04

I've been invited to evening do's only...I've never been offended! People have to manage their budgets.

QuackDuckQuack · 09/10/2016 00:04

I'm not insulted by an evening only invitation, but my heart sinks when we get them. I like to see the couple get married and hear the speeches. I really don't enjoy the evening part of weddings. They tend to be inescapably loud.

VioletBam · 09/10/2016 00:04

Lighthouse really? You think it's all about your present? Confused It's about having you there to celebrate the wedding!

ChequeOff · 09/10/2016 00:09

Quite quack

MaddyHatter · 09/10/2016 00:10

i invited family only to our wedding ceremony and breakfast.

Then in the evening it was all about our friends, and of course the family were also invited to come along to that too if they wanted, but were under no obligation if they wanted to go home. Those who chose to stay, got afternoon tea and my mom and dad hosted them all at their house between times... and the evening buffet was more than 'sausage and a disco' we actually put out a full spread and made sure there was more than enough for everyone to get a good meals worth out of (i HATE going to weddings where there isn't enough food!)

i know some people see it as an a list/b list scenario, but not everyone can afford to marry in a huge venue or hold an all day event.

BackforGood · 09/10/2016 00:10

I'm quite interested in the thinking of people who have said things like this

Each to their own and all that but personally I'd never tier guests.

Do you really think that as a colleague, or maybe someone who you are in a book group with (or choir or sports team, etc.,etc.) you are as close to a couple as their siblings, or a friend they've been close to since the first day of Primary, or the family friend they've been on holidays with for years....... ?
I find that really odd.
Of course some people are closer to you than others.
If I'm not one of the couple's {say} 30 closest people, then I just think it's nice they consider me a good enough friend to want to ask me to share their celebrations with them. I completely understand they can't invite everyone they know at the prices they get charged by wedding venues.

YuckYuckEwwww · 09/10/2016 00:11

I don't think there's anything wrong with being "tiered" if it's clear cut and fair/logical

I mean if I'm friends with someone I've worked with for 18 months I KNOW I'm not as important as their family and best friend from school.. that's fine

But I don't want to know that I'm less of a friend than the rest of our "gang" who I know the bride/groom through, Like if the rest of the work team who'ld been working/socialising together the same lenght of time got day invites, and I got an evening invite - that would hurt!

EllenDegenerate · 09/10/2016 00:12

If I ever take leave of my senses enough to consider getting married again I'll be having a twilight wedding so all of my guests only get invited to an evening do.

And they'll all still have to rock up proferring gifts Grin

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