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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex had my sons hair cut after I begged him not to

180 replies

4n0nym0u5 · 08/10/2016 18:41

I have a 4 year old boy and he has (had) longish hair....looked like a little rockstar and people always commented on how good he looked.

Anyway, he is having his school photo on Wednesday and I was happy he would have long hair on this school photo as last year I cut his hair the day before photograph day (which I dint realise was photograph day) I was gutted and was adamant to have it long the next time around.

Anyway, when my xh picked him up last night I said he has his school photo on Wednesday and im wanting his hair long for the photo. I got a text this morning saying that he has asked him if he wants his hair cutting and my 4 year old son apparently said, yes, I want to look like a boy. So he booked him in to have it cut this afternoon. I text him pleading that he doesn't get it cut, I rang but he never answered and when he did I begged in tears he didn't do it, that he just leave it for this weekend and Id get it cut after his photo. He said hes going to see what my son wants.

The thing is, my ex has it in his head that only girls have long hair and boys hair should be short. he is very steryotypical Hes due to drop my son off at 7pm tonight, and im dreading seeing his short hair. Im going to show a smile for my son and say wow look how handsome you are, but inside I will be heartbroken.

Whats your opinions??

I text him pleading him not to go ahead with it and called him crying and pleading and he just didn't respond

OP posts:
YuckYuckEwwww · 08/10/2016 20:11

As far as the photo goes, let his hair grow and then get another photo taken.

or.. just flippin get over what happened last year (which you can't blame on your ex) and forget about the photos and let your DS do what he likes with his hair when he likes, just take regular snap shots at each and every stage!

RepentAtLeisure · 08/10/2016 20:11

Hair grows, so I was dramatic, maybe I should apologise to the dad when he drops the kiddies off in abit...x

I think that's a good idea. Not because you did anything wrong, but because when he sees you're not upset he'll be pissed off that he got ds's hair cut and didn't get a good reaction out of you! Grin

RepentAtLeisure · 08/10/2016 20:13

let your DS do what he likes with his hair when he likes

How many four year olds have a strong opinion on their hair? If she wants a nice picture with his hair long - before he gets to an age where he'll have an opinion - why shouldn't she get one?

RepentAtLeisure · 08/10/2016 20:13

let your DS do what he likes with his hair when he likes

How many four year olds have a strong opinion on their hair? If she wants a nice picture with his hair long - before he gets to an age where he'll have an opinion - why shouldn't she get one?

Unluckycat1 · 08/10/2016 20:14

It's not totally clear in your posts but I can see scenarios where I would be very upset at this. Mainly if your son liked his hair long but has been shamed into having it cut short by his dad. If your son genuinely did want it short then of course there's nothing to be upset about.

Thingsthatmakeugoummmm · 08/10/2016 20:14

How does it look? 😀

SheldonCRules · 08/10/2016 20:15

Poor little boy, he is old enough to choose his own clothes and hair style but can see the struggle between mum and dad.

Dad likes the tradional view whilst you want to be trendy with long hair and dresses, you admit to not taking his views into account so you cant be mad at the ex for doing the same.

43percentburnt · 08/10/2016 20:17

Does his dad normally take him out and pay for haircuts or take him clothes shopping (on top of the minimum CMs maintenance payment he willingly gives you every month?) does he do homework and take an interest in parents evening or friends parties, take him swimming or to the library etc?
If so then he may well be doing what he thinks is right. If he doesn't do normal parenting stuff usually then maybe his motive is questionable.

1moremum · 08/10/2016 20:18

Just because her ex SAYS the son wants his hair caut, doesnt me the son really said it, or that the dad even asked him, or that the dad didnt spend quite a lot of time coercing the kid to wanting it done. So everyone can stop defenindi g her 4 year old childs 'choice' right now. Either his dad did this despite the child'/ preference, or he has played the son. A very easy thing to do with a child of any age, but especially preschoolers , as children want to please their parents.

OP: i know you are upset, but you need to figure out how NOT to turn this into a thing that your child is torn up about because when he gets home he thinks he has disappointed you or hurt your feelings. Let it go. Your son does not need to be put in position of feeling like he is bound to disappoint one or the other of you. Approach it as if he did make the request, and that you are proud of him for saying what he wanted, and he is still your handsome guy. Dont be all sad and regretful unless he is.

Going forward you need to research how to teach him to stand his ground, as his dad will carry on manipulating him in this way. He will need to know it's OK to gave an opinion that differs from yours, even if it agrees with dads. You need to learn to make sure you are not inadvertently doing the same thing as his dad probably has done, as it is so very easy to do unintentionally. This sort of thing is going to happen again and again. It is going to be hard and you will again encounter The feeling that you have 'lost' some battle. But concentrate on the long game. Eventually, your son will know which parent manipulated him, and which parent taught him how to recognise and deal with manipulation.

YuckYuckEwwww · 08/10/2016 20:21

How many four year olds have a strong opinion on their hair?

all of the ones I've known!

YuckYuckEwwww · 08/10/2016 20:25

has everyone else missed where the poster said that she's also (still Hmm ) gutted about the DS getting a hair cut last year before the school photos? that wasn't the ex!

The ex doesn't need to wind her up over her DSs school pic hair, she seems to do that all on her own!

Ausernotanumber · 08/10/2016 20:27

The dad has played the son? So has the op!

pieceofpurplesky · 08/10/2016 20:29

So was the hair cut or not?

YuckYuckEwwww · 08/10/2016 20:30

The OP is the one that has made the poor child's hair "an issue" when it comes to school pics, now if the ex has joined in her "game" and is now also being manipulative to the boy about his hair, that still doesn't make the OP right as she was being weird about the poor child's hair even when the ex had no involvement in his hair cut!

Lunar1 · 08/10/2016 20:30

It sounds like you are both putting pressure on trying to get your son to be who you each want. This is a horrible position to be in for a child.

Waltermittythesequel · 08/10/2016 20:34

The problem is that he's a gobshite for thinking boys should have short hair and you're a bit of a gobshite for thinking your four year old looks like a rock star!

You need to find a happy medium.

And for your own sake, try not to get so het up about things like school photos. That way lies heartache.

Cel982 · 08/10/2016 20:35

Oh, I can well believe that your ex did this to spite you. You specifically told him you were glad your son's hair would be long for this year's photo, and he immediately took him out and got it cut. Those are the actions of an arse. Any decent parent would discuss this with you and take your preferences, as well as your son's, into account.

YuckYuckEwwww · 08/10/2016 20:39

The problem is that he's a gobshite for thinking boys should have short hair and you're a bit of a gobshite for thinking your four year old looks like a rock star!

PERFECT Grin

wonders what'll happen when OPs DS gets MISSED out completely from the school photos, as happens from time to time when there's a class list and a sibling list etc etc

SouthWestmom · 08/10/2016 20:40

Oh honestly op I hear you . Parenting is bloody hard work and dreary and you get pleasure out of your kid looking cute - so bloody what. My middle ds has chosen a long hair , braces, DMs vibe and it's very gorgeous - something to cheer me up amidst all the crappy homework, dinners, washing, drying etc . I'd be sad if he decided to chop it all off and ditch the waistcoats!
He secretly wears nail varnish at weekends - that got teased out of him as a daily thing at nursery.
Getting pleasure in the small stuff makes parenting fun.

Damselindestress · 08/10/2016 20:43

It's not really about the hair, sounds like your ex did it on purpose to piss you off. Even if your DS really did want his hair cut there is no reason it couldn't have been done after picture day and it sounds like he was manipulated into it anyway. What a horrible, petty person to have to co-parent with! I feel for you. But the only way to deal with it is to rise above it so that he knows he didn't get to you and your DS isn't affected by any tension.

buttercup54321 · 08/10/2016 20:59

Your son is a little boy not a rock star. His father has a say in parenting him and anyway your son wanted it cut. You need to get a grip!!!

childmaintenanceserviceinquiry · 08/10/2016 21:10

You are NBU. However an ex with an agenda will manipulate, so I BELIEVE YOU. He went against your express wishes deliberately and manipulated your little boy.

So now you know that. What will you do next?

I believe you, because my child is older and dad gets the haircut to suit him and not the child's real wishes. Sit back on the haircuts. Every time the child complains about the hair, just tell the child to voice their opinion. After a time they will see which parent listens and which parent doesn't.

This is a long game. (sadly)

Starlight2345 · 08/10/2016 21:12

I think the saddest part of this is the poor boy in the middle of all this.

Unless he is only just 4 he has started school and will see his peers with short hair.

You are not the only one with an ex or partner who thinks boys must look like rough tough boys. Can't play with "girls" toys they are best ignored...However you can do that without involving ex. He can do the rough play, stuff with his dad and show the other side of himself at home..

You need to discuss far less what is going on. If he dresses up as Anna at home don't tell Ex what goes on in your home is none of his business. ( as long as it is not damaging to your child ) Equally that applies the other way with your Ex... If you hadn't told Ex you wanted long hair for photo I doubt he would of gone to the trouble of going to the barbers.

I think no matter what you need to tell your DS when he arrives home, I think for your DS's sake you need to tell him how grown up, how much you love his hair...Make him feel good about it.

Talk to Ex less... He isn't really interested in what you think is he?

phillipp · 08/10/2016 21:17

Just because her ex SAYS the son wants his hair caut, doesnt me the son really said it, or that the dad even asked him, or that the dad didnt spend quite a lot of time coercing the kid to wanting it done. So everyone can stop defenindi g her 4 year old childs 'choice' right now. Either his dad did this despite the child'/ preference, or he has played the son

Or equally the op could be 'playing their son'

Of course the above could be true. Both or either one could be coercing the son.

Which is a shit state of affairs.

Witchend · 08/10/2016 22:21

I've got 3 dc who are generally not too bothered about appearance. However two of them made decisions about their hair after about half a term in year R.
Dd1 asked to grow her fringe out; ds asked to have his hair shorter (it was pageboy bob stage). Neither of them had I expressed an opinion, it was just they wanted to be like friends at school.
For ds he only had it longer as he made such a fuss about having it cut that I tended to cut it short and let it grow until it was getting a bit in his eyes and then cut it again to minimise the cutting.
In both situations I did as they asked, although my condition with ds was he sat still while I cut it (he doesn't like going to the barber).

So they can express opinions at 4yo and it is often about looking like friends.