Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex had my sons hair cut after I begged him not to

180 replies

4n0nym0u5 · 08/10/2016 18:41

I have a 4 year old boy and he has (had) longish hair....looked like a little rockstar and people always commented on how good he looked.

Anyway, he is having his school photo on Wednesday and I was happy he would have long hair on this school photo as last year I cut his hair the day before photograph day (which I dint realise was photograph day) I was gutted and was adamant to have it long the next time around.

Anyway, when my xh picked him up last night I said he has his school photo on Wednesday and im wanting his hair long for the photo. I got a text this morning saying that he has asked him if he wants his hair cutting and my 4 year old son apparently said, yes, I want to look like a boy. So he booked him in to have it cut this afternoon. I text him pleading that he doesn't get it cut, I rang but he never answered and when he did I begged in tears he didn't do it, that he just leave it for this weekend and Id get it cut after his photo. He said hes going to see what my son wants.

The thing is, my ex has it in his head that only girls have long hair and boys hair should be short. he is very steryotypical Hes due to drop my son off at 7pm tonight, and im dreading seeing his short hair. Im going to show a smile for my son and say wow look how handsome you are, but inside I will be heartbroken.

Whats your opinions??

I text him pleading him not to go ahead with it and called him crying and pleading and he just didn't respond

OP posts:
YuckYuckEwwww · 08/10/2016 19:20

are people serious? don't pass on school info to the child's father? WTF???

hotdiggedy · 08/10/2016 19:20

Well I don't know why you mentioned to him about wanting long hair for the photos but he sounds quite horrible for going ahead and getting it cut knowing full well how much it meant to you (unless there is a back story and your son has told you he hates his long hair or something). Seems to me he just wanted to show you that he doesn't care how you feel and that he can override you.

Soubriquet · 08/10/2016 19:20

It is a valuable lesson learned, to keep talks with XH to a minimum

Or actually listen and take notice what the 4 year old wants with his body

CrazyNameCrazyGuy · 08/10/2016 19:21

As a few posters have already mentioned, why on earth did you say anything about the photo/haircut? Unless you suspected he was planning a random visit to the barber (highly unlikely) there was no reason to say anything about his 'rock star' hair Confused

If your ex is as bad as you say you must have known he'd do it just to spite you.

neonrainbow · 08/10/2016 19:22

Your child didn't hear you freaking out about his hair did he?

YuckYuckEwwww · 08/10/2016 19:25

Y'all should think of the reverse:
Dad hands child over, says "it's school photo next week, and I want his hair cut short! I'm still annoyed that his hair wasn't short for last year's photo" - mum asks child "do you want your hair cut?" child says "no", dad goes batshit that the boys hair won't be short for school photo
now, if you're with the mom on that example, then you should be with the dad on this thread! if not, ask yourself why? seriously?

YuckYuckEwwww · 08/10/2016 19:25

Y'all should think of the reverse:
Dad hands child over, says "it's school photo next week, and I want his hair cut short! I'm still annoyed that his hair wasn't short for last year's photo" - mum asks child "do you want your hair cut?" child says "no", dad goes batshit that the boys hair won't be short for school photo
now, if you're with the mom on that example, then you should be with the dad on this thread! if not, ask yourself why? seriously?

WeArePregnant11 · 08/10/2016 19:25

Look, your son knows you like his hair long. He knows his daddy wants him to have short hair. Children are smart and intuitive enough to know stuff like this.

And seeing as kids generally want to please both their parents you admiring his long hair is actually putting him in a very difficult situation. So, hug your son and pretend like nothing's wrong (also, because if ones looking at the bigger picture there's nothing wrong).

And next year I suggest not telling your ex that it's photo day. Children are very intuitive, your son will tell his daddy if he wants him to know.

LynetteScavo · 08/10/2016 19:25

I've always felt I gave ultimate decision on hair as the DC's mother. Yes I know that's sexist and but DH has been happy to go along with it. His only request has been that I never cut it myself and I've respected that. I may well have got very upset about this so totally understand how you feel OP.

Original poster
4n0nym0u5 · 08/10/2016 19:27

No he didn't, I never discuss things about the children in front of them. I will apologise to him, but yes, my ex is spiteful....he would have had it cut anyway. He would have said to my son, you don't want your hair long, you look like a girl, you should have it cut short to look like a boy.

OP posts:
HedgehogHedgehog · 08/10/2016 19:27

I can see why you are so upset. Id be livid if i thought anyone was influencing my son not to like something he had previously liked because 'it was girly' It does sound like your ex doesnt like long hair on boys and has influenced him into saying he wants it short. Theres not much you can do though apart from say he looks very handsome when you see him but also make sure he knows that wanting to have long hair isnt feminine and if he wants to have long hair again in the future its fine.

YuckYuckEwwww · 08/10/2016 19:29

He would have said to my son, you don't want your hair long, you look like a girl, you should have it cut short to look like a boy.

Like how I'm guessing you say " you like your long hair don't you, makes you look like a rock star doesn't it"

The poor sausage, it's HIS hair, not your accessory

WeArePregnant11 · 08/10/2016 19:30

Btw, did your son hear you freaking out over the phone? If not it's better to not talk about it at all. Just hug your son and say something like :"oh wow, don't you look handsome? Did you have a good time with your daddy?". Your ex will see that you're not mad.

Ad don't ask stuff like: "did you like your hair better when it was longer?"

Goingtobeawesome · 08/10/2016 19:32

YANBU. it's apparent he wouldn't have got it cut if he hadn't have known you didn't want it done. Remember that in future. Of course you can't take him for his school shoes, new wardrobe, etc as i really want too.Wink.

Noodlesg · 08/10/2016 19:34

I'd be majorly pissed off, this seems a bit like a control issue on your husbands behalf, using your son to piss you off. I would not be apologising. I'd say that I maybe overreacted but only so he didn't think he'd got one over on me.

phillipp · 08/10/2016 19:40

People are so weird about hair.

Dd had really long and wanted it cut off at 5. People were horrified that I took her to the hair dresser and had it cut off. The only condition I had was that it wasn't a stately I had to spend more than 10 minutes on. Other than that it was up to her.

Ds has had it completely shared all over, short back and sides with long on top and now he is growing it all. He is five.

I can't see why they shouldn't have made the decision themselves. They are five and it's their hair.

Op it seems like you are trying to come across as the laid back, cool one. You don'tmind dresses on a boy etc. But you were the one begging and crying over a hair cut, all because of a school photo.

I suspect you aren't as laid back about what your son does as you think. It's like you are trying to hard to prove you are cool with being gender neutral.

All kids can have any hair they want. Creating like this over it ( regardless of your prefers hairstyle) is really quite odd.

YuckYuckEwwww · 08/10/2016 19:42

Op it seems like you are trying to come across as the laid back, cool one. You don'tmind dresses on a boy etc. But you were the one begging and crying over a hair cut, all because of a school photo.I suspect you aren't as laid back about what your son does as you think. It's like you are trying to hard to prove you are cool with being gender neutral.

^this!

I'm betting this thread wouldn't even exist if the hair cut happened after the school photos
"allowing him to have long hair" my arse!

CheekyMcgee · 08/10/2016 19:44

The OP has been very gracious in accepting she was unreasonable, so I think the rude comments towards her should stop now.

GreatFuckability · 08/10/2016 19:51

I would be really reallly annoyed cos it seems he just did it to annoy you, not because your son really cares much.

KungFuPandaWorksOut · 08/10/2016 19:52

Children have a habit of saying what they think their parents want.
He's heard you make comments about his long hair so around you loved his long hair.
His dad makes comments about short hair so around his dad he wants short hair.
Honestly don't let this ruin what seems to be quite a reasonable co-parentibg relationship.
None of you are in the wrong, if your son didn't want it cut he wouldn't of stayed put for the hairdresser, because no decent hairdresser would cut a childs hair whilst they are trying to escape.

FeelingSmurfy · 08/10/2016 19:53

Is he home? If he is, how do you feel now having seen his new hairstyle?

Just remember, he is still your son just with a bit less hair, and in the grand scheme of things it was only one photograph

iminshock · 08/10/2016 19:58

Op my son was the same hair wise and I was very attached to it !
I totally get what you feel. I would have been exactly the same .

When he eventually got it cut I cried !

I'd love to know how he looks when he gets home .

I'll say it again , I COMPLETELY get it .

My friends and sisters thought I had lost the plot when it came to my son's hair !

ChishandFips33 · 08/10/2016 20:09

Am I reading a different thread? The op ex was using their ds to control and bully her.
My ds is four he wouldn't ask for a hair cut it wouldn't occur to him.
^^This*

Ah but did DS really say he wanted his hair short or is dad just saying he did to justify his actions to get at mam?

If photos hadn't been mentioned would a trip to the barbers have been on the cards

But, in the kindest possible way, you YABU in the way you handled it and fell straight in to dads hands. He knows how to push your buttons and that's something you need to be mindful of in the future

Don't give him the satisfaction, you are better than that

RepentAtLeisure · 08/10/2016 20:09

With a spiteful ex you need to learn to not mention things like this. Would he have known it was picture day without you telling him?

From now on don't give him the power to hurt you. If it's going to cross your mind to say something like "X will be happening, so please don't do Y" ask yourself if he would have done Y without you mentioning it.

As far as the photo goes, let his hair grow and then get another photo taken. They very often have photographers in mothercare, or you can book a photographer and have a whole photo session for less than £100.

Tarttlet · 08/10/2016 20:11

Hedgehog - that was my take on it, too.

Swipe left for the next trending thread