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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex had my sons hair cut after I begged him not to

180 replies

4n0nym0u5 · 08/10/2016 18:41

I have a 4 year old boy and he has (had) longish hair....looked like a little rockstar and people always commented on how good he looked.

Anyway, he is having his school photo on Wednesday and I was happy he would have long hair on this school photo as last year I cut his hair the day before photograph day (which I dint realise was photograph day) I was gutted and was adamant to have it long the next time around.

Anyway, when my xh picked him up last night I said he has his school photo on Wednesday and im wanting his hair long for the photo. I got a text this morning saying that he has asked him if he wants his hair cutting and my 4 year old son apparently said, yes, I want to look like a boy. So he booked him in to have it cut this afternoon. I text him pleading that he doesn't get it cut, I rang but he never answered and when he did I begged in tears he didn't do it, that he just leave it for this weekend and Id get it cut after his photo. He said hes going to see what my son wants.

The thing is, my ex has it in his head that only girls have long hair and boys hair should be short. he is very steryotypical Hes due to drop my son off at 7pm tonight, and im dreading seeing his short hair. Im going to show a smile for my son and say wow look how handsome you are, but inside I will be heartbroken.

Whats your opinions??

I text him pleading him not to go ahead with it and called him crying and pleading and he just didn't respond

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 09/10/2016 11:15

I'm afraid I'm on your Ex's side. I prefer boys with short cut hair. Not shaved or very short, but not long.

YABU and dramatic.

FWIW I've known boys who hate their old school photos because they think they looked liked a girl with long hair.

In fact one of my male friends is convinced his mum wanted a girl because of that.

Starlight2345 · 09/10/2016 11:18

OP..My DS is 9 and does have a style at 4 when it got long enough it needed combing I had it cut.. In the ordinary world it wouldn't matter to most 4 year olds. It would only be an issue for me if he wanted it cut and you said no. I think you were right for ex and DS to say you look handsome ...What I think you should of done differently is you are still asking his opinion on something which even with developmental disorder will have figured out his parents don't agree on so would still be jumping through hoops to find the right answer.

Can I just add I am telling you this from a simple outside perspective...I am sure if we all analysed everything we said as parents none of us would be perfect..I do think when something is causing problems we need to look at ourselves how what we do affects our children...Some of this is what you tell your ex..

If he starts telling you what you can and can't do cut him off..Say have a lovely time kids.. kisses cuddles and shut the door.

ThingInTheAttic · 09/10/2016 11:28

Hello OP, I hope things are a little calmer for you today...in RL and here!
Possibly you won't be reading this as I can see from your last post you are, (not unreasonably IMHO) rather pee'd off with us.

Just wanted to say I've been following the thread and I do think you have had some very harsh responses from some, and some very good responses from a lot. I think your explanatory post this morning, regarding the background to all of this was enlightening, and I don't see anything wrong with how you acted when your son arrived home. Some posters advised you to make a fuss of your son, and just say how handsome he was etc etc and that's exactly what you did. You didn't engage with the ex, didn't throw a wobbly etc...well done!

From following the thread it seems to me you've tried very hard to take onboard the good advice and done well to remain restrained with your replies in the face of some really quite unneccesarily harsh replies.

Getting advice on a chat forum, especially AIBU is never going to be a smooth ride (I know, been on the receiving end myself over the years...AIBU is a scary place for the faint-hearted!) and comminicating in writing, with total strangers who know nothing of each others back story and who will maybe be far more direct than they would face to face..There is always a lot of virtual eye-rolling, and 'oh, FFS's and dare I say it..people who never RTFT and then chime in with their 'get a grip/stop being ridiculous/I've got ten kids, a psychopathic ex and work 150 hours a week but I NEVER act like YOU' type-answers... long, long after the OP has updated and said thank you etc. It can all combine to feel like EVERYONE is having a go at you. It's genuinely not meant to, but unfortunately the whole chat setup enables it. In RL, you wouldn't have ten people surrounding you, all telling you to suck it up/geta grip/stop being dramatic/grow up/you're being ridiculous/you are controlling/weak/cruel/yada yada/ delete as appropriate. Whilst ignoring your replies. Why, that would be tantamount to bullying, yes?!

It's why AIBU isn't always the best place for sympathetic advice....even though you will ALWAYS get plenty of good advice, there's also some bad advice and a small amount that isn't really advice at all but just people who seem to like being a bit mean. But mumsnet really can be a great source of support too, there are a lot of genuinely helpful people here....you only have to look at the support on abuse threads in Relationships to see that. So, take heart! You have listened to the good stuff people have posted, you've acted on it, and you've thanked everyone very graciously. You're doing great.

SandyY2K · 09/10/2016 13:02

Or actually listen and take notice what the 4 year old wants with his body

At a certain age, you haveto make decisions for your child. If a 4 year old doesn't want to get bathed, you don't leave them to decide.

I think this is about how the OP wants her son to look and not about how the son likes his hair. Which is fine, but he has 2 parents with different views, so you have to manage these disagreements.

As others have said, if you never mentioned it, he wouldn't have cut his hair. The fact that it's gotten this long and your Ex never cut it, shows it probably didn't bother him that much.

LaurieMarlow · 09/10/2016 13:57

Wow, mumsnet nest of vipers at its finest. Nice one ladies Hmm.

OP, I don't think it's at all unreasonable to expect your ex to respect your wishes. He sounds like a douchebag.

I agree your little boy doesn't necessarily know what he wants at that age and is probably just parroting back what he heard 5 minutes ago. As main caregiver the decision should have been yours. And you are well within your rights to be pissed.

But I'm sure your son is gorgeous regardless of the style he is currently rocking. Wink

lizzieoak · 09/10/2016 14:15

Very well said, thingsintheattic.

Op, I think you did a great job. I get the slight sense that people who are having a go either a) have never had a controlling partner or b) really dislike little boys with long hair.

Personally, I'm disturbed that your ex badgered your dear little boy into getting his hair done. Good on you for knowing that going forward you can help him be strong in saying he has a right to say what happens to his body.

Couchpotato3 · 09/10/2016 14:21

Why do you need to wait for a school photo to get a photo of him with long hair? I'm baffled.

You are making a huge fuss over something rather trivial.

Mummyoflittledragon · 09/10/2016 14:22

It will be longer come Christmas how about a little festive photo shoot?

Original poster
4n0nym0u5 · 09/10/2016 14:55

Thanks again for your replies and opinions. I came on AIBU as I knew I would get some good, honest advice. Im upset about the nasty comments posted after my reply this morning, as I can tell that a few of the latest nasty comments have come from those not RTFT.

Ive been on mumsnet for a good few years now and iv had some brilliant advice through some tough times and I will continue to do so, its just a shame that amongst the ones that give the good advice you have newcomers or your regular nasty trolls just to put there two pennies worth in whilst not knowing the full story.

And yes I am enjoying this sunday, I went to harvest church this morning and this afternoon im planning on dressing my son up in a dress and putting bobbles in his hair going to the park with the kiddies. Thanks for your advice mumsnet. Sorry for the rant before! x

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 09/10/2016 14:59

And then there are the nice newcomers. I'm putting my hand up although I've been around a bit longer than my name may suggest. (Just thought you may have forgotten that bit).

Original poster
4n0nym0u5 · 09/10/2016 15:03

Haha, some nice newcomers too of course yes!

OP posts:
IWouldLikeToSeeTheseMangoes · 09/10/2016 18:40

Some really harsh overly bitchy responses on here! Shock OP yanbu can understand the upset over this and your ex sounds like a prize dick. You handled it well by not giving him the satisfaction of a negative response when he dropped the kids off though. Seems like he deliberately did it to wind you up which is sad! Maybe he's losing his hair and is secretly jealous of your DS's lovely locks Grin

Nataleejah · 09/10/2016 19:10

In this day and age, when almost everybody has digital cameras and smartphones -- you could have taken numerous shots of is long hair

LaurieMarlow · 09/10/2016 19:25

A school picture still has more visibility and importance than an pic on a smartphone.

And quite why posters are trying to downplay that, I don't know.

YuckYuckEwwww · 09/10/2016 19:26

A school picture still has more visibility and importance than an pic on a smartphone

???? what does that even mean?

they're only "more visible" if you pay for pics and enlargements and then display them.. which you can do with pics from your smart phone too

Nataleejah · 09/10/2016 19:31

Just take a picture you like, print it, frame it, post to all grandparents and it will have visibility. First world problem really. As for 'gender apropriate' its normal that a boy wants to look 'like a boy'

bloodyteenagers · 09/10/2016 19:37

A school picture still has more visibility and importance than an pic on a smartphone.

I really disagree with this. We have a few school photos. We also have the spur of the moment shots, some from smart phones, some from digital camera, and some from film. The school ones are meh because they are just another day at school. The ones that are important, that hold the memories are the non school ones. The dc's look back on those, and remember the day or event. The school one, dunno, might have been 6 or whatever.
The birthdays, the Christmas, fancy dress parties, first day at nursery/primary/secondary/college and of course the last day at these. The first date. The random moments by the canal, in the park on a train etc. The first hair cut, the tooth loss, the day they test the safety scissors and give the sibling or themselves a dodgy fringe, I could go on.. All more important than a generic posed school picture.

LaurieMarlow · 09/10/2016 21:43

Perhaps I didn't express that particularly well. BUT, for many people, school photos are important. Traditionally they got framed, went up on the wall. That's probably not so much the case now, but they still have significance for some.

And the pertinent point is that if the OP feels they're important to her, that should be respected. I'm sure she has tonnes of pics on her phone with his long hair, but there's nothing wrong with wanting that captured in the school photo.

NoFuchsGiven · 10/10/2016 09:34

Heads up op, this thread has just appeared on my Facebook, posted by The Sun.

NicknameUsed · 10/10/2016 09:56

Here

Cheap journalism again Hmm

kilmuir · 10/10/2016 10:01

Op you sound like an overly dramatic ex.
Boys with long hair look awful

Pighorse · 10/10/2016 10:10

Wow, mumsnet nest of vipers at its finest. Nice one ladies .

OP, I don't think it's at all unreasonable to expect your ex to respect your wishes. He sounds like a douchebag.

I agree your little boy doesn't necessarily know what he wants at that age and is probably just parroting back what he heard 5 minutes ago. As main caregiver the decision should have been yours. And you are well within your rights to be pissed.
^^this! Well said.
RTFT people and back off - I can't believe anyone would not be annoyed if their ex did something like that just out of spite.
And as for 'boys look dreadful with long hair', is this 1955?? Hmm Do girls look 'dreadful' with short hair, too??

Pighorse · 10/10/2016 10:11

'Awful', not 'dreadful' - I was quoting kilimur.

Chippednailvarnishing · 10/10/2016 10:29

As it's open for comments you might want to ask for this to be pulled...

flippinada · 10/10/2016 10:47

Yes, I've seen other threads end up in tabloids. If maybe all four this to be deleted OP.

BTW, you handled it fine - and lesson learnt about your ex (been there, bought the tshirt). Some things is best not to tell them. I'm guessing it's not so much about the hair is it, more that he did something he knew would upset you. I'm sure your DS will look lovely in his photo!