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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to expect my OH to accept this

259 replies

Playingitbyear · 07/10/2016 16:15

When DS was born, we found that we all got the most sleep by co-sleeping. Then when DD was born, she would only sleep on my chest. 1 1/2 years later, I still sleep in her room on a mattress on the floor with her head on my chest.

If all four of us were in one room I don't think any of us would get much sleep.

Obviously OH and I haven't had sex for a long time. When we talk about it, I say it is temporary and that everything is on hold until the children sleep in own beds/rooms etc, and he is kind of ok with that. I didn't think it would take this long either!

Anyway, has anyone had a similar arrangement with their relationship still intact? And got their sex life back after a long break? Is this weird or normal? And AIBU to expect my OH to accept this?

OP posts:
Weetabixandtoast · 08/10/2016 13:25

Madginger - not talking about the op - I agree with you there. Was addressing blue and his comments

MaQueen · 08/10/2016 13:30

If you're going many months/years without having sex with your DH, then basically you're just house mates...and, let's face it, that makes the relationship decidedly unspecial because there are thousands of people you could easily house share with.

When I married DH it wasn't because he was my best friend/house mate (already had plenty of friends, ta). It was because he was far more special than that, and we had an intimacy/passion that was different to anything I'd experienced before.

lalalalalaaa · 08/10/2016 13:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MadAsABagOfCats · 08/10/2016 13:56

You could try Gradual Retreat Sleep Training. It takes time and patience, but it would improve your current arrangement and it's a no cry solution.

notinagreatplace · 08/10/2016 16:30

I will always put my kids needs first and I would expect him to do the same...

Yeah, but this isn't about the kid's needs, is it? An 18 month old doesn't need to use their mother as a pillow every night - they will probably sleep better once that's sorted - that's just what they want in the short-term. They will, on the other hand, benefit from their parents having a happy marriage.

Blueskyrain · 08/10/2016 18:39

Was addressing blue and his comments

I'm not male...

Blueskyrain · 08/10/2016 18:41

I agree, that its something that has to be discussed - and his possible desire for sex doesn't overide her lack of interest in it. BUT, they are in a relationship, or a marriage, of which sex is a reasonable expectation. If one of the parties is unilaterally changing that, then that isn't fair on the other party.

Weetabixandtoast · 08/10/2016 19:23

Sorry blue!!

Blueskyrain · 08/10/2016 21:13

Weetabix, it just got my goat slightly, because its not the first time on here people have wondered if I'm male. Nothing against you for it, but it seems that some people correlate thinking sex is important in relationships, and thinking that its not fair that the man should just have to put up with it = me being a man. I'm not, I just place quite a high value on physical intimacy in relationships.

So many people seem to have marriages which just seem like friendships - little hugging, kissing, sleeping in separate rooms, rarely having sex (not necessarily all of these things), and it just doesn't seem to me, like what marriage should be, and can be.

I think its a breeding ground for resentment, for outside attractions, and for temptation. Fair enough, there are times when sex just isn't going to happen, but so many people just brush it under the carpet, rather than actually being able to talk about it.

Weetabixandtoast · 08/10/2016 21:27

Blue you are right - I did assume that of you and it was wrong of me.

You must appreciate though that different people look for different things in a marriage and none are wrong or right. Have you come across the 'language of love' type stuff? It says people need to be loved in different ways. Some people need physical contact, some people presents, some emotional support and connection etc. You clearly highly value physical contact which is fine and good but you can't say someone's marriage is rubbish because they don't - maybe for another couple emotional connection or giving and receiving gifts or doing 'acts of service' are more important for them. It just depends on the people within the relationship.

LucyLot · 08/10/2016 21:44

Wow my DH would not be ok with this and nor would I expect him to be. It seems as hough when you became a mother you disappeared as his partner. Something has to change.

LucyLot · 08/10/2016 21:47

I slept in a cot by myself the day I was born, same as my brother. Your sleeping arrangements are actually bonkers.

Verity23 · 08/10/2016 21:48

Not every kid will just grow out of this. My cousin slept in her parents bed until she was 16. My uncle ended up on a mattress on the floor while she was in bed with her mother. She was far from a confident and independent child. Even at 22, she lives at home and struggles when her parents go away for a few days.
Co-sleeping may not benefit every child.

Naicehamshop · 08/10/2016 21:56

Wow! There are families where children are sleeping in their parents beds at the age of 16???
WTAF!!

And OP, your sleeping arrangements are utterly bonkers. There is no need for you to be used as a pillow by your child.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 08/10/2016 21:59

16.. Shock

Weetabixandtoast · 08/10/2016 22:02

16...! Shock

MrsTerryPratchett · 08/10/2016 22:10

My cousin slept in her parents bed until she was 16. My uncle ended up on a mattress on the floor while she was in bed with her mother. She was far from a confident and independent child. Even at 22, she lives at home and struggles when her parents go away for a few days. I would bet dollars to doughnuts that something else was going on here.

OHofPlayingItByEar · 08/10/2016 22:12

Good evening. I'm the OP's OH.
My OH, the OP, posted this because she has concerns, concerns I didn't know about, and that fact alone brings shame upon me. Sad

I have read every 'answer' to her post and many of them come from an opinionated, presumptive, and ignorant place. You should all know that many of you have contributed to this weekend being our own private hell; so thank you for that.

Some posters responded with understanding and genuinely supportive suggestions, and I truly thank those of you who did this.

To put the record straight, I fully support my OH in the way she (and we) want to bring up our children. It may not be fashionable on this forum but this is the way we think and our children are happy and confident because of it. For my OH to post this was down to her caring for my feelings, and you cannot imagine how humbled that makes me feel and how it characterises her want to be the mother in our happy family. Any suggestion that I secretly harbour insatiable longings for sex, and may even look elsewhere, are very far from the truth. With my OH, we are here (at this time) to bring up our children in the way we think is right, and if that means no nooky for a while then that is fine with me. I am no saint, very very far from it, but me and my OH are a special team.

This thread has tested us and we will emerge stronger for that.

So, please feel free to tell me now that I am doing it all wrong or, maybe, settle down and carry on watching Strictly and understand that your way is not the only way.

Naicehamshop · 08/10/2016 22:18

OH - if you and your wife are not happy to hear other people's opinions then it's probably better not to ask for them on here.

MrsTerryPratchett · 08/10/2016 22:19

This thread has tested us and we will emerge stronger for that. Grin

Words on a screen. And she did come looking for advice. My advice is that if you care so much about what complete strangers think, don't post online.

Ignoring all the supportive and well thought out posts? For some reason...

OHofPlayingItByEar · 08/10/2016 22:20

Naicehamshop
I am perfectly happy and I am now expressing my own views of them.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 08/10/2016 22:21

OH your wife posted on a forum asking for opinions.

You have got just that.

OHofPlayingItByEar · 08/10/2016 22:22

MrsTerryPratchett
Sorry, your last point is?

MrsNuckyThompson · 08/10/2016 22:23

I would be sorting out DD's sleep as a matter of priority. You may have lost sight of normality but sleeping on a mattress on the floor with her head on your chest is completely bonkers.

YABVU

WaitrosePigeon · 08/10/2016 22:23

Weird.