AIBU to expect my OH to accept this

[Playingitbyear]

When DS was born, we found that we all got the most sleep by co-sleeping. Then when DD was born, she would only sleep on my chest. 1 1/2 years later, I still sleep in her room on a mattress on the floor with her head on my chest.

If all four of us were in one room I don't think any of us would get much sleep.

Obviously OH and I haven't had sex for a long time. When we talk about it, I say it is temporary and that everything is on hold until the children sleep in own beds/rooms etc, and he is kind of ok with that. I didn't think it would take this long either!

Anyway, has anyone had a similar arrangement with their relationship still intact? And got their sex life back after a long break? Is this weird or normal? And AIBU to expect my OH to accept this?

COntrolled crying doesn't exactly work with an 18 MO. They'll just get out of bed

So you quietly and firmly put them back in bed, and walk away. Repeat as long as necessary. Eventually they get the message that getting out of bed will get them nowhere.

Co sleeping makes for lovely secure kids

Nope, there is no way you can attribute a child's temperament to any one aspect of parenting.
I have a lovely, secure child who didn't co-sleep. I have met many an insecure fragile child who did.

DD was 11 when she finally slept every night in her own room. DS was 4 by this time and had been sleeping in his own room for a year.
DP preferred sleeping alone as he got a decent nights sleep (our settee saw a lot of action though )
DD will still get in with me or asks me to sleep in her bed if she's upset (she's 16 now).

There are some very harsh responses on this thread.

The problem isn't cosleeping, its that you are not both signed up to it and that you are not having sex.

We have coslept with most of ours, often we have had multiple children in the bed - the fact that we have six children suggests that it has not impacted our sex life. But it is something that we have both agreed to, although I would struggle to be married to a man who did not wish to parent in the same way as me.

If you wish to cosleep, you need to return to your bedroom - can you buy a bigger bed? Can you organise childcare so that you can have evenings and weekends away?

I have loved cosleeping with mine, it is definitely something that has brought our family closer together rather than pushing us apart.

Just to add some balance there was a time when we had no cosleeping children and we had a "knock before you enter" sign for the door. It didn't actually say that but the kids knew that if that was on the door that they didn't just come charging in. We also try to keep the children out of our bathroom. We also have an adults only room. There seems to be an impression given on here that if you cosleep your children are walking all over you or that you only care about being a mother at the cost of your marriage. DH and I have a very healthy marriage, we holiday on our own every year and have regular weekends away together without the children.

The co sleeping isn't a problem, if that's what works for you, but the not having sex with your partner is. Sofa sex? Do you actually want to have sex with him? Is this just a convenient excuse?

How does she sleep at nursery/child Minders?

This all suggests a failure in sleep training to me. Either you don't want to, in which case it isn't the dc that are the problem, or you haven't tried hard enough.

Well, this has opened up a can of worms hasn't it?

OMG please go and seek some sensible advice somewhere else! A lot of the responses here are horrifying.
Please - no sleep training, controlled crying or any such nonsense!
She will grow out of it!

My first one was a tricky one with sleep. Only at 3yrs old did she start sleeping all night through on her own (just as her sister was born!). Her sister is much easier and we have now got control back of our bed with the girls (5 and 2) in bunk beds. But baby nbr 3 is coming so we will be back to co-sleeping in a few months :)

The only thing I did wrong with my first one is try to get her to sleep on her own too soon/too hard. It probably set us back. I Co-slept straight from the get go with DD2 and last month she moved to her and her sister's room and has been fab since!
Anyway I digress.

Please don't do CIO or any such nonsense. And don't believe idiots saying your daughter is some sort of evil genius!! She's a baby!!

Try to soothe her back to sleep without staying with her, try to send your husband to do it (that worked well with my first one). Maybe consider soothing sounds, lights, oils etc. (I like aromatherapy)
What you should aim for is to have an evening with the husband. Sex or not its important to have that time as a couple. It doesn't matter where you sleep after.

But at the end of the day she's 18months. It's likely that she will naturally sleep longer on her own soon enough.

In the meanwhile maybe think of how to nurture your relationship with the husband. No sex at all is harsh. But what about you? What do you want?

Think of the long-term goal too as I know sometimes with little ones you can feel emotionally fulfilled as a mother and stray away from DH. What about him and how he feels?

Just some thoughts :) do what works best for your family, decide as a couple.

We have sofa sex due to being in a one bed! I would make time for it, it's not fair on him or you. You should make time to be you two again, stay close as a couple which makes the rest of life so much better and easier. Even a couple of times a month is good and better than nothing. I can't remember the last time I had sex in a bed at night

To the people that say they haven't had sex for 2 years, 3 years, etc, but their marriage 'is fine', I'm not convinced. Unless the abstinence is for medical reasons (but suplemented by lots of other sexual activity), I don't see how a marriage without any sex can be 'fine'.

I mean, is both parties are content with it, then you've completely lost the spark, and you've turned into roommates, which doesn't bode well. If you're fine with it, but he's actually not, then its going to build up frustration and resentment.

If your relationship has totally turned off the sexual side, then there is a substantial risk that that side of yourself or him will be switched back on with someone else.

I'm not saying you have to be at it like rabbits, but an active sex life is a marker of a happy couple, and neglecting that is like neglecting love, or trust, or friendship, and sooner or later, it usually causes problems.

Blue - true it's a marker but in many happy couples everything else in their marriage is good and they are both consumed with the joint task of raising their babies then a year or two won't break a marriage over all. Like everything else in a marriage these things ebb and flow and it depends how important it is to each couple - not everyone needs sex to feel loved.

Blueskyrain - it depends on the circumstances really. Went quite a few months at a time without sex either during pregnancy due to sickness for instance and during the first year or so of each kid due to tiredness/breastfeeding/co-sleeping combination. And I'll be honest, as a mother breastfeeding and co-sleeping was probably, for a time, fulfilling my need for physical intimacy to some extent and indeed made other sorts of physical intimacy unappealing. Probably also due to hormones linked with birth/bf... The DH was always very understanding. And it was always temporary.

However I would agree that to go 'years' without sex is not a good sign.

oblada, breastfeeding and co-sleeping was fulfilling your need for physical intimacy, but (a) its not with your husband - and I can't see how replacing intimacy with husband with intimacy with children is a good idea and (b) what about your husbands need for physical intimacy.

DH might have been understanding, but that doesn't mean that its a good situation, or that he's actually happy with it.

There's a lot of emphasis on these threads with 'well I don't want sex, and he's understanding' - thats different from 'we don't want sex'. It just seems very self centered, rather than looking out for eachother's needs first.

And its not about a year or two not 'breaking' a marriage - my goodness, there's a huge chasm between a blisfully happy marriage, and divorce. Marriage shouldn't be about putting in the least amount of effort for it not to end, but about making eachothers happiness and priorities your priorities.

But in any event, w months, I get, but thats different from 3 years. I just don't get that at all.

I knew a family similar to yours and they broke the cycle accidentally when they went on holiday and the youngest slept all night in a bedroom shared with siblings (and I think cousins too). It was the novelty.

Can you invite some other children over and have a camping night in the living room or a weekend family break in a hotel?

Ooops should add this is to encourage your youngest to sleep better, but may help you have more nooky too!

If there was a big issue with my marriage and, when I tried to discuss it with DH, his response was 'I'm not discussing it now, it's on hold till X date', it would probably be a deal breaker for me. I agree with others that your DD needs to learn to self settle - gradually retreating seems like it would be the best option.

The Gentle Sleep Book is good.

I fed to sleep until DS was just 2 when one day he told me to go downstairs and he went to sleep! I guess one day they are just ready.

I guess with all the breast feeding, cuddling and go sleeping the OP just wants some time without being touched. I know I did. Of course physical touching from your children isn't the same as intimacy with your husband, but after a day of getting cuddled, followed about, feeding , picking them up - not to mention the night time routine, I can understand the OP just not wanting to be touched.

Not saying it's great for your marriage, but totally understandable.

Go read some of www.reddit.com/r/DeadBedrooms and you'll change your mind.

Botanically - that's just some people and tbh getting sex at home is not an accurate marker of whether or not someone will cheat.

Yes in an ideal world we'd all have the relationships we had before kids - plus the kids.. but it's not possible. Husbands can get comfort from the kids too (cuddles, co sleeping).

Blue - exactly - her need may be not to be touched and given some space during the time her babies are very young, his need may be sex - why should his needs come first?! If this the women is putting her kids first the man himself - so it's the man whose selfish not the women!!

Timetohittheroadjack (great song BTW my DD loves it) - you hit the nail on the head! Yes it's not the same intimacy but for me personally in the first few months (possibly even in the first year, can't remember now) I just couldn't deal with more 'touching'.
Bluesky - I don't agree that there is much of a 'we' in 'we want/don't want sex' - it's an individual choice but of course if one partner is finding the situation difficult then it should be addressed openly as a couple.
So maybe the key is this: is the OP's husband truly OK with the situation or not? If he is and she is then no problem. If he isn't then it needs to be discussed.

I will add that whilst I love my husband with all my heart I will always put my kids needs first and I would expect him to do the same...

Weetabix - the man's not putting himself first. The OP hasn't said that he's specifically said sex. All we know is that he wants to spend some time with his wife. Maybe cook and eat dinner together uninterrupted! Be able to spend an evening sat together watching t.v or a film!

Is it really that unreasonable to think that maybe, just maybe, a couple can spend an hour or two interrupted with each other once their children are in bed?!