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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to expect my OH to accept this

259 replies

Playingitbyear · 07/10/2016 16:15

When DS was born, we found that we all got the most sleep by co-sleeping. Then when DD was born, she would only sleep on my chest. 1 1/2 years later, I still sleep in her room on a mattress on the floor with her head on my chest.

If all four of us were in one room I don't think any of us would get much sleep.

Obviously OH and I haven't had sex for a long time. When we talk about it, I say it is temporary and that everything is on hold until the children sleep in own beds/rooms etc, and he is kind of ok with that. I didn't think it would take this long either!

Anyway, has anyone had a similar arrangement with their relationship still intact? And got their sex life back after a long break? Is this weird or normal? And AIBU to expect my OH to accept this?

OP posts:
MrsKoala · 07/10/2016 18:59

In our relationship It's actually dh who prefers co sleeping to me and he who says the children are little for such a short time and that we can have sex loads when they are older.

We also have opportunities to have sex which we don't take, as other things are more of a priority atm. Neither of us are going to do it just because we think we should.

Maybe it's because we are older parents to young dc and don't feel the urge as much, I don't know.

witsender · 07/10/2016 18:59

I don't understand this co-sleeping

It's a pretty long standing, global phenomenon tbh...been around a few centuries... Hmm

Threebedsemii · 07/10/2016 19:05

NoFuchsGiven

I think you're quick to judge. I have done CC with my daughter- I am no hippy (I did not actually, give a shit about them crying) however it does not always work, and sometimes they regress with Their sleep- my DD has gone from crib to cot in her own room, co sleeping, cot in own room, and back again.

So.

ByAndByTheWay · 07/10/2016 19:06

Whilst I agree with other posters that this situation doesn't sound like it is working for your family any more, the problem is fixable and plenty of people do make changes at the 18month stage. Someone else recommended the No-cry Sleep Solution which I found very helpful. Maybe asking for advice on the sleep board would be a good idea as there are others in the same boat. Have you talked properly to your husband about how he is feeling? Are you communicating well generally?

Chippednailvarnishing · 07/10/2016 19:06

It sounds like your DC's have become your excuse for not having a real relationship with your DH.

Leaspr · 07/10/2016 19:07

I meant I don't understand how it is any more beneficial than the child sleeping in their own room, not that I don't understand what it is. Hmm

Threebedsemii · 07/10/2016 19:10

Btw thanks bagina. I suspect it probably is just a case of a painful week Sad

NoFucksImAQueen · 07/10/2016 19:10

three
With my DD I shushed and patted her but did not pick her up. She was in the cot next to me having coslept previously. She did cry and she did make in the night so I shushed and patted and stroked her head etc.

With ds1 he went through a bed hating stage at 18mo. What I did was I'd read him a story then say "right I'm just going to put these clothes away then I'll come give you a cuddle and kiss then I'd potter around his room, the hall etc and usually 15 mins later he'd have fallen asleep waiting for me. I found that "love you, night" was a trigger for him and he'd start screaming

I don't know if either of these will help you but those were my experiences. It sounds tough, you have my sympathy

Velvetdarkness · 07/10/2016 19:12

Oh and I cosleep with our 2yo but our older child sleeps alone. We've not had sex for about 3 years for a number of reasons and our marriage is fine.
It depends on the couple really but make sure you're both happy.
Mind you I've always insisted oh and I share a bed even if we're not alone.

MrTCakes · 07/10/2016 19:12

You don't want them to cry? You'll be crying when your marriage is over. You don't seem too bothered about the lack of intimacy.

GizmoFrisby · 07/10/2016 19:16

I really didn't want to do controlled crying. I hated every minute but my health visitor advised the situation wasn't healthy. It is difficult and it's so hard trying to please everyone. I really do feel for you because I know the feeling. However there will come a point where either you or your H will of had enough. And then things will HAVE to change. Flowers

Weetabixandtoast · 07/10/2016 19:19

To everyone that says their marriage will fail - yes it's not a great arrangement for it - but it's not a very strong marriage in the first place if they can't put their kids first for a year or two.

ayeokthen · 07/10/2016 19:21

I don't think co-sleeping is the issue here, I think it's the fact you seem to have pushed your husband out and are just expecting him to be ok with being on the sidelines until you decide otherwise. You sound very dismissive of him in your op, that's not a nice way for anyone to live. Yes, kids when they're tiny take up a lot of our time/attention and have lots of needs, but making a bit of time for you as a couple is really important. Even if it's just a quick chat about your days and a cuddle. Lack of intimacy isn't just about sex, it's about making time to make your partner feel loved and valued. Which we all need.

ragz134 · 07/10/2016 19:21

If your DD is waking after less than an hour, she is not benefitting from this arrangement. We all wake in the night, slightly, after each cycle, but normally fall back to deep sleep without realising it because everything is the same as it was when we went to sleep. Your DD is waking too much as her environment has changed by you moving. This isn't normal co-sleeping, it is like you waking up because someone took all the pillows away!

I would withdraw slowly, if you want the least stressful solution. As PP said, move a little further every few nights. Maybe buy a special new pillow for DD as a replacement for you (pillow pet or something?). Or put up with a week of tantrums and do it cold turkey. However, it isn't your DD's fault that you have taught her to settle like this, so really whatever is less upsetting for her would be best.

Good luck, I hope you fix this soon and can all start sleeping well and enjoying your marital intimacy! (My DH sleeps on the sofa 95% of the time, but we still have sex 1-2 a week, so as PPs have said, that really isn't a huge issue!)

NoFuchsGiven · 07/10/2016 19:21

Threebedsemii

I wouldn't say I was quick to judge, I may be old fashioned though and regardless of however many threads I read on here I stick with what I know.

I have 4dc (3 bio) I breastfed all 3 and the best advice I ever had was to get my babies into a routine, from the day the came home from hospital, and that is what I did. I do not regret it, I am grateful for that advice.

BarbarianMum · 07/10/2016 19:25

OP, I'm not saying this to be nasty, I'm saying it as a warning. I have a friend who had a similar situation with her second child. She "fixed" it by co-sleeping with her child, in child's room and going to bed when child did. No evenings with her dh, no going out in the evenings, ever, because the child needed her to sleep (I never asked about sex). Her child was 12 when the "temporary" fix wasn't needed any more. Her marriage had ended 5 years previously - they'd drifted apart.

Prioritising your child to the point of becoming their pillow is not healthy. If you avoiding sex and intimacy for other reasons you need to talk to your dh, not just expect him to put up and shut up.

Hippodisk · 07/10/2016 19:25

Op this really isn't healthy for your marriage. Sounds like you're stuck in a rut, I understand I've been there but we had to make time for us, not just for sex but to eat and chat together.

It sounds like your dd isn't having a great sleep either. I would get it sorted asap.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 07/10/2016 19:26

No Cry Sleep Solution website

Starlight2345 · 07/10/2016 19:29

To be honest your DD is too old for controlled crying now...You have to sometimes make decisions that are for all the family not just one of you.. The reason she is waking so frequently is she is used to your heartbeat.

Hot sure where your DS is sleeping? Lie her in her cot rub her back till she falls asleep, when she is used to that sit next to her in cot then slowly move out of the room.

One important remember ..Been a great parent isn't about never letting your children get upset.. It is about guiding them to grow up to be independent... There was a thing on FB recently and it was a mum saying all 3 kids are mad at me right now and all for different reasons because I am not there friend I am there parent.. We cannot make them happy all the time..Obviously there needs should be met but part of that is learning to sleep independently.

I also think your relationship does need some attention you aren't even having the evening together..Quickly throwing some food down your neck..

You could also try DH putting DD to bed..It may help.

BillSykesDog · 07/10/2016 19:29

I think ragz has made a really good suggestion there, can't be nice for her, imagine trying to sleep with someone pulling your pillows away every few hours!

If you achieve what ragz suggests you could move on from there if you wanted towards getting her on her own.

Heidi41 · 07/10/2016 19:33

OP we did this for about 5 years till the both dds went into a beautiful bedroom we made for them specially , up until then we pushed 2 singles together and all slept in there .....but we always had sex every week without fail . We had to make arrangements and it was a bit clinical not spontaneous but it worked , looking at 34 years married just gone. Give it a go and don't worry about what you look like after 2 babies it doesnt matter a jot so long as you love each other ! Good luck!

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 07/10/2016 19:36

OP, you are, without doubt, a very caring and great Mother.
But, you need to realise that, you are also a Wife, your Husband needs you too, he loves you.
It's fine for your little one, to cry for a while. You are not a human pillow, it is up to you, to help your daughter, to sleep peacefully, alone. You can then resume normality. This isn't about your DHs needs, it's about intimacy, being close, together. Don't mess it up, they both matter.

Tunafishandlions · 07/10/2016 19:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CocktailQueen · 07/10/2016 19:48

1 1/2 years later, I still sleep in her room on a mattress on the floor with her head on my chest.

Most people would say you've made a rod for your own back here. It's healthy and good for children to learn how to fall asleep by themselves.

But co-sleeping can work for some people, if they chat about it and both are happy with the arrangement.

Lalunya85 · 07/10/2016 19:49

Wow, your evening routine sounds really exhausting. Flowers

Here's what we're doing, maybe it will help:
My DD is also very attached to me at night (needs me to breastfeed her to sleep and demands boob whenever she wakes at night). It was becoming too much for me (she is 12 months) and something had to change. We decided that I would just leave the house in the evening and go out and have some time to myself. My husband would then HAVE to find a way to put her to sleep and settle her when she woke.
We have done this a few times now. If I'm in the house, we always cave and I end up going to sooth her as it's so much quicker when I do it. But on the few occasions that I wasnt at home, my husband managed. She cried more than she usually would and she was definitely upset; but she did fall asleep in the end and she had her dad by her side the whole time to comfort her. It wasn't an easy thing to do, but all transitions are difficult.

Good luck.

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