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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to expect my OH to accept this

259 replies

Playingitbyear · 07/10/2016 16:15

When DS was born, we found that we all got the most sleep by co-sleeping. Then when DD was born, she would only sleep on my chest. 1 1/2 years later, I still sleep in her room on a mattress on the floor with her head on my chest.

If all four of us were in one room I don't think any of us would get much sleep.

Obviously OH and I haven't had sex for a long time. When we talk about it, I say it is temporary and that everything is on hold until the children sleep in own beds/rooms etc, and he is kind of ok with that. I didn't think it would take this long either!

Anyway, has anyone had a similar arrangement with their relationship still intact? And got their sex life back after a long break? Is this weird or normal? And AIBU to expect my OH to accept this?

OP posts:
Zeeandra · 07/10/2016 16:34

If you literally go to bed with your child in her room and don't come back then it's no wonder he's upset. Most people I know who co slept had a child begin the night in their own bed by 18 months then crawl in later. They also had sex in other places in the house.

It sounds like you are pushing him away totally not just sexually and basically saying it's all about the kids now and for an undetermined amount of time. That's not going to end well for anyone.

JellyWitch · 07/10/2016 16:39

Sex has been patchy or non existent for us for at least 2 years after each child. We do all sleep in one bed though so there opportunity to snuggle close and that all helps. And of course sex doesn't have to be in bed!!!

Losingtheplod · 07/10/2016 16:39

I think YABU, sorry. Do you actually have to go to bed at the same time as your 18 month old? So have no evening to spend with your DH at all? If that is the case, then how do you have an adult relationship at all? I would not be at all happy to live like that.

Mrskeats · 07/10/2016 16:40

I think that the tendency to put the children first and not worry about your relationship/marriage is one of the biggest causes of relationship failure.

As others have said the children should be in their own beds.

The no sex thing often will cause resentment and that's a killer

Marmalade85 · 07/10/2016 16:41

Your arrangements sound absolutely bonkers YABU

MrsTerryPratchett · 07/10/2016 16:42

I've reread your OP. Are you worried, bothered or frustrated by the lack of intimacy? Because it doesn't sound like it and maybe that's actually the issue.

FrancisCrawford · 07/10/2016 16:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

blondieblondie · 07/10/2016 16:44

So do you got to bed when DD does and that's you there til morning? What time does she go to bed? Sex aside, do you have ANY time together?

Boredbeforeievenbegan · 07/10/2016 16:46

You are choosing (and it IS a choice) to sleep on a mattress with your dd on top of you rather than in bed with your husband. It speaks volumes about your relationship and also your attitude towards it. Yabu.

Famalam13 · 07/10/2016 16:47

If either you or DH have a problem with it then it's a problem and you need to work on a solution. Your relationship needs to survive long after your DC leave home, it should get priority sometimes!

FlyingElbows · 07/10/2016 16:48

18 months is not tiny, 18 days is tiny! Op for the sake of your entire family you need to get help to teach your toddler to sleep on her own. If you're not prepared to do that then you need to have a very frank discussion with your husband and be prepared to hear things you may not like. We all know that babies and sleeping are a passion killer, we've all been there, but you sound like you're actively facilitating the issue. The longer you leave it the worse it will get.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 07/10/2016 16:49

I don't quite understand why you think your co-sleeping arrangements bar you from having sex?

I co-slept with DS1 until he was 4; DH slept in a separate room. I didn't kick Ds1 out until I was a few months' pg with DS2 and needed the whole double bed because I had bad acid reflux, SPD and was sleeping on a bean bag - obviously I'd been having sex with DH to have got pg with Ds2 in the first place! Just not at night.

Since having Ds2, and building Ds1 his own bedroom, I now co-sleep with Ds2 (just about to turn 4). Not quite sure what I'm going to do next though - DH and I have wildly different sleep requirements (lark vs owl, duvet only vs sheet + blanket, pillowtop squashy mattress vs orthopaedic one, snoring vs light sleeper etc.) - and we don't have another room, nor space for one. Ideally, Ds2 would get his own room (Ds1's is too small to share) and DH and I would continue to sleep separately and get our jollies other times.

Sancia · 07/10/2016 16:53

No, this is all a bit like an episode of Supernanny. I remember one of them had a tantrummy older kid who would shriek if Dad didn't sleep on his floor and a weepy younger one who had to sleep with Mum. Fixed in a week, yes OK the little sods raged and flailed and roared about it but they learned.

Kids can't be allowed to rule the roost especially when what they demand - sleeping a whole night on Mummy's chest while she sleeps on the floor - is utterly unreasonable. There comes a point where you do have to say "No, dear, that isn't going to happen." You deserve a life of your own, which means whatever sex you choose to have, with whom you choose to habit, having some time to yourself and frankly, you are not a mattress. I mean, that's like being an actual, lay-on-the-floor doormat.

The kid needs to learn to sleep normally or you'll still be doing this at 9.

Start weaning them off it. They're old enough now that their rage and tears will be from anger at your refusal to bend to their will, not pain or trauma. She's not a little baby and she'll get over it.

Weetabixandtoast · 07/10/2016 16:53

YANBU that your partner should put up with this. They are his children too and presumably the way you both parent is to put them rather than each other or yourselves first.

I would try and find the time to reconnect at a different time tho.

ThunderbirdsHaveMums · 07/10/2016 16:56

There are about 200 studies which have found that co-sleeping is good for the children. Manufacturers of products make money from things they sell as alternatives to nature's way.
My eldest decided to go sleep alone around 6yo. Then it was a bit of a hokey kokey but ultimately he went when he was ready. I know loads of co-sleepers and the health Visitors used to send parents with "fussy babies" to me because they were not allowed to promote it.
Kids grow up and I certainly never met any teenager who was wanting to be anywhere near their parents!!!

Your relationship and sex with your partner is a different matter. I think you really need to prioritise your relationship with your partner. relationships without sexual intimacy become friendships, and friendships can soon drift into breakdown....and that's not good for anyone, especially the children!

I think I would start with date nights and back into rebuilding intimacy. You may need to find babysitters and it might mean leaving the children elsewhere overnight but I think you are risking marital breakdown here.

You get to make your choices, and you get to live with the consequences of those choices. What choices do you have? and what consequences do you anticipate they will bring?

pastarses · 07/10/2016 16:56

Where you sleep and the issue of sex are completely different things. I'm afraid you are using this as an excuse. You could have sex any time that your children are asleep. Presumably you don't go to sleep when your DD does and stay asleep until she wakes up. Your DD sleeping on your chest is just a habit, you could break it in approximately 3 nights. Realistically a marriage needs to include physical intimacy. This is affected by pregnancy and babies of course but you can't expect to put it on hold for years.

ShtoppenDerFloppen · 07/10/2016 16:56

DH and I do not sleep together. I am a VERY light and restless sleeper, he snores for England.

He sleeps in "our" room, I sleep (and have my desk and computer for work and school) in what used to be the spare room, but is now my room.

However... we are still intimate on a regular basis, have special time out of the house just for us, and make a concerted effort on our relationship.

Sounds like you gave up on yours ages ago.

MaQueen · 07/10/2016 16:57

This just sounds insane to me.

There is no way, at all, that DH would be remotely happy with this arrangement and frankly, it would drive me up the wall.

I love our DDs very much. But I also love DH very much (and still fancy the pants off him, too).

If you carry on like this don't be surprised if you turn around one day to find you have no relationship left with your DH.

I believe one of the greatest gifts you can give your child is the example of its parents being happy & loving together.

ThePinkOcelot · 07/10/2016 16:58

18 months?! That's a ridiculous set up OP. I would work at changing it pretty sharpish if I were you!

mouldycheesefan · 07/10/2016 16:58

Oh dear this is madness! Sleeping on a mattress on the kids room floor for years on end.
Give your head a wobble!

Thefishewife · 07/10/2016 17:01

Of your child is awake during the day I also presume he is at work then when exactly apart from the night will you have sex

I know I have 3 children and there is always one of them here so I would have no sex at all if we co slept as well

This is clearly not working for you op

SpaceUnicorn · 07/10/2016 17:01

Obviously OH and I haven't had sex for a long time

Living room floor, kitchen table, sofa, up against the wall...

You don't need to be horizontal on the same mattress in order to have sex.

idontlikealdi · 07/10/2016 17:03

Do you go to bed at the same time as her then? That is a bit crazy and no life for you either surely?

Weetabixandtoast · 07/10/2016 17:03

Ps are you still breastfeeding? Often when you are breastfeeding you naturally don't want sex - if this is the case try and just spend time together (watching a movie, having dinner etc) so at least u don't totally lose your connection

eatsleephockeyrepeat · 07/10/2016 17:04

Well I fully understand the co-sleeping aspect of this; 15 month old ds is in our room and straight into our bed with us the second he wakes up (terrible sleeper - allergies) every night, so anything from all night to an hour in the morning. Dp is mostly fine with this, and although he would be more than comfortable with ds in his own room he knows I wouldn't be; and this lady's not for turning; I need sleep!!

But as pp said, do you go to bed at the same time as your dd?? We have evenings together. On good nights (when ds obliges by not waking up) we even get to have sex in bed, at bedtime which is a right novelty :P We're hardly at it like rabbits but we get by.

It's not the most romantic but I know if I expect to keep dp sweet about the co-sleeping I can't go batting away sexual opportunities out of hand, so I check myself if I think my priorities are getting out of whack.