AIBU to expect my OH to accept this

[Playingitbyear]

When DS was born, we found that we all got the most sleep by co-sleeping. Then when DD was born, she would only sleep on my chest. 1 1/2 years later, I still sleep in her room on a mattress on the floor with her head on my chest.

If all four of us were in one room I don't think any of us would get much sleep.

Obviously OH and I haven't had sex for a long time. When we talk about it, I say it is temporary and that everything is on hold until the children sleep in own beds/rooms etc, and he is kind of ok with that. I didn't think it would take this long either!

Anyway, has anyone had a similar arrangement with their relationship still intact? And got their sex life back after a long break? Is this weird or normal? And AIBU to expect my OH to accept this?

She generally wakes about 30 to 45 minutes later, I resettle in the same way because we are usually trying to have dinner at that point! Then at about 930 she will wake again and that is when I go to bed.

This doesn't sound as though your dd is sleeping very well. And you don;t have en evening!!

I recommend Elizabeth Pantley's No Cry Sleep Solution. Lots of nice ideas for promoting sleep.

OP, whatever you do going forward it needs to be a joint decision with your DH. Because that's the problem here, your family dynamic is very unbalanced. Big lifestyle choices like this (which is basically what it is) should not be decided unilaterally and imposed on one partner by the other.

I would posts again in the sleep topic to get some ideas and support there, there are a few different ways you could approach this. It will be hard, but worth it in the long run.

Good luck.

OP I don't know why you're getting such a hard time here. This hasn't just happened over night, and presumably your husband has been fine with things or he'd have been helping you change them.

CC and CIO are not the only ways to change the situation.

Do you want them to change? You don't seem to talk very fondly of your H and I imagine you'd have found a way to have sex if that was important to you?

Tunafish has great advice on how to change your routine with no crying.

So from what you've said in your update OP you and your husband do get time together in the evenings. So why the 'no sex' Sex in the living room in the evening is just as good as in bed at night. Your sleeping arrangements don't appear to force you to exclude a sex life so.if it's not that maybe you need to think about what it is that's stopping you

I very much doubt that your daughter is waking up frequently because she's uncomfortable as people have suggested: I think it is because she surfaces towards the end of a sleep cycle, becomes aware that she's not on her nice warm chest-pillow, and knows that the quickest way to get it back is to call for you. But the fact is that you have demonstrated that she is perfectly well able to sleep on a pillow, so the first stage of weaning her off you has been accomplished.

You now need to make it clear to her that you aren't her pillow. Go through a process of moving her off you every single time, then move to staying with her whilst she falls asleep on her pillow. The likelihood is that at that stage she will start sleeping for much longer, because nothing will be different when she moves into the light sleep part of the cycle. Make it clear to her that making a fuss isn't going to change things. At this stage, you ought to be able to distinguish between crying that is genuine distress and crying that is a means of getting what she wants, and she needs to start learning that she won't always get what she wants no matter how much fuss she makes.

At some point you are going to have to do something your daughter doesn't want, whether that's controlled crying or something else (not sure what that would be). You are making life harder for yourself and your husband, and your daughter.

No one relishes the idea of letting a child cry but imo you need to let go of that or your child will always sleep on you like that.

Obviously it's an emotive subject, but I really think phrases like 'rod for your own back' aren't helpful. Sometimes it's just easier and more productive to take the path of least resistance. OP, best of luck whatever you do, I know it's not easy balancing everything. Keep talking to DP so you're connecting in some way.

And I don't understand this co-sleeping is just being deliberately obtuse.

Gosh I'm really shocked at some of these responses. I presume the op hasn't created this situation by herself. You know, her partner is these children's father.

We still have our 15 month old in our room. We don't really have much choice due to lack of space. If he wakes up in the middle of the night upset then we cosleep because it's easier.

We've gone from having sex most nights to once a week if we're lucky just because we are both tired from having two kids and having to be quiet.

Starting to think I should be worried. I thought it was just a temporary blip.

Hi Op

It sounds like you are in a really difficult situation.

When DS hit 4 months I started co-sleeping with him as it was the only way we'd get any sleep and so me and DH had separate rooms. What this set up meant though was that I would go up to bed at 7pm with DS and so me and DH would never have any time with each other.

This continued until DS was 9 months old and I realised it couldn't continue as it was so impractical and was starting to affect my marriage. Me and DH used a Sleep Consultant and under her guidance we moved DS into his own room and within a week he was falling asleep independently and sleeping through.

Me and DH didn't have sex for over 12 months after DS was born as a result of me having no sex drive (breast feeding) and also the aspect of being in separate rooms.

When we put DS into his own room at 9 months it was absolutely amazing to have my evenings back with DH where we had from 7pm onwards to just be with each other. As a result of DS bring in his own room I started getting more sleep, I wasn't tired all the time, I didn't feel like all my life was centred about DS and having some time without him, even though it was just evening times, really boosted my mood, hence why come 12 months after his birth our sex life was back on track.

We've had a few blips with DS over the years (he's 2.5 years now) which means DH and I sleep in separate bedrooms (which is great) but all that means is that we have sex on the sofa or in 'his' room before I go up to my own to go to sleep

We joke that it's all very "Wham, Bam, thank you Mam" but it's what works for us.

The fact that DS was able to sleep independently by the time he was 10 months meant we could get babysitters in so we could go out for meals, for a drink, go to the cinema etc which obviously improved our relationship too.

I don't know exactly how you can improve your situation OP but I think that somehow you need to show your husband that him, and your marriage are still important to you.

I'm horrified by the tone of a lot of these responses. Suggesting that the OP is driving her husband to affairs, that's she's doomed her marriage, and she's setting up her daughter to be some bully villain from Harry Potter, is ridiculous. I'm also kind of uncomfortable at the implication that not making herself sexually available at someone else's request is "unreasonable".

If she really misses having sex with her husband and wants to fix that part of her relationship, then she needs useful suggestions about how to fit that into her life with cosleeping.

If she's worried about how and when to start her daughter sleeping on her own, then she needs advice on techniques in that area.

If she's avoiding sex with her husband for other reasons, then yes, she needs to talk to him about it, but it doesn't need to be thrown at her as an aggressive accusation of abnormality, nor used as a pop-psychology test to imply she's somehow "using" her child.

While it's sad when libidos don't line up, and while it needs to be addressed, what would be truly "unreasonable" would be pressuring yourself into sex you're not interested in because a bunch of internet posters told you there was something wrong with you.

Op - just do what you need to do to get through these years, no children end up sleeping with their parents forever, think about lesser developed countries where there is only two rooms with often extended families living together!

If you want intimacy with your husband, arrange date nights, weekends away or I'm sure there are spontaneous opportunities too... don't believe all those who say you are doomed, Gina ford is so last decade!

Sorry haven't rft but giving my experience. We did this for three long years. It's not like we started it thinking "ooo three years of bed sharing and no sex and sleeping on sofa" but the weeks turn into years and it just happened. Anyway, we finally decided the time was right and dd went into own bed. Stopped breastfeeding at 3.1 years which was plenty of time for us both, and we got out relationship back to how it used to be. It was tough, I'm not going to lie, but we got through it and we wouldn't have changed a thing as dd now amazing and happy and confident etc. I hope you can hang in there op. It seems like it's forever but it's such a short time in everyone's lives really.

Agree with mads and wally

Exactly vilootshescute 👍😀

By this stage OP I don't think you've left yourself much option other than controlled crying. At 18 months it won't be pretty, there will be a pretty strong character in there, but it'll do you all a favour. And if your little one was comfortable in bed they wouldn't be waking at 9.30 or whatever it is. That's habit and unnecessary. Get her into her own bedz

There seems to be many parents who put their child's temperament down to their own glorious parenting skills. Whilst it may be true that some people really do have some special gift for sleep-training, there really are some babies and children who would rather scream all night than sleep alone.

To the person who wrote: Your sleeping arrangements don't appear to force you to exclude a sex life it sounds like you're saying that the OP should have sex instead of eating dinner? I'm not so sure that would be preferable.

Having said that, OP, the fact your daughter sleeps on you is a big problem because you're stuck there with her and have no adult time at all. I agree with PP that the lack of sex is likely to become a problem, but having no down time is equally bad.

Can't you get her to sleep next to you instead of on you?

Co sleeping makes for lovely secure kids, and nobody goes to university with they parents still in their bed, so we know they will grow out of it.

But shag out side of bed, it should be possible. Have fun

Co sleeping might make for lovely, secure children... but growing up in a house where your parents are resentful and potentially hostile toward each other, and there's a constant atmosphere of tension isn't going to make any child feel very secure, is it?

I don't think you should be worrying so much about your husband accepting this as worrying about why you accept this. Don't you want to have sex? And don't you want to spend an evening without having to keep settling your child. One of the best things you can do for your child and yourself (and your husband) is help her learn to self-settle. It sounds miserable for everyone.

YABU. For your OH, for your child (she needs to learn to sleep by herself) and for yourself (you deserve to sleep properly and to look after your couple). Sorry and all but this is mad.

I coslept until mine started school, but I had evenings free, evenings out (even whole weekends!) and loads of sex.

Co sleeping makes for lovely secure kids, and nobody goes to university with they parents still in their bed, so we know they will grow out of it

Er, well, I slept in their bed quite frequently until I left for uni, where I then found a boyfriend who I slept with every night for the next 3 years. In fact I didn't face my fear of sleeping alone until I was 27 . Hence me being very strict about my dc sleeping in their own beds. So far so good.

Co sleeping makes for lovely secure kids

Funnily enough so can not co sleeping.

I get DD to sleep by laying her on my chest and then carefully moving her to a pillow and sneaking out. She generally wakes about 30 to 45 minutes later, I resettle in the same way because we are usually trying to have dinner at that point! Then at about 930 she will wake again and that is when I go to bed.

This is your main problem. You are basically spending X time settling her. You then interrupt your meal with your husband to go settle her again. Finally you sit down together then she wakes again so you go to bed, at 9.30.

How much time per day do you actually even see your DH? I can see why he would be very rejected. It's not about him at all everything is about the baby. Not only does he get no sex (which happens iin lots of relationships) but he doesn't even get to sit and eat a meal with you by the sounds of it and you certainly don't get time to watch a film or just chill together because you are in bed, by 9.30.

Yes you need help. If you can't cope with controlled crying methods you can do gradual retreat stuff. Basically you just move yourself a bit at a time every day or every couple of days. So maybe you lie next to her and hold her hand rather than lie her on your chest. Then you sit next to her bed and hold her hand. Then you sit next to her but don't touch her. Then you sit further from the bed. Then you sit outside the door etc.

Get on google and find something that works for you.