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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to expect my OH to accept this

259 replies

Playingitbyear · 07/10/2016 16:15

When DS was born, we found that we all got the most sleep by co-sleeping. Then when DD was born, she would only sleep on my chest. 1 1/2 years later, I still sleep in her room on a mattress on the floor with her head on my chest.

If all four of us were in one room I don't think any of us would get much sleep.

Obviously OH and I haven't had sex for a long time. When we talk about it, I say it is temporary and that everything is on hold until the children sleep in own beds/rooms etc, and he is kind of ok with that. I didn't think it would take this long either!

Anyway, has anyone had a similar arrangement with their relationship still intact? And got their sex life back after a long break? Is this weird or normal? And AIBU to expect my OH to accept this?

OP posts:
NoFuchsGiven · 07/10/2016 18:28

In an ideal world world both children would sleep in their own rooms and beds

Are you saying your ds sleeps with your dh still?

gribak · 07/10/2016 18:30

Read "babyproofing your marriage" for a really honest view from men in terms of not getting sex from their partner - it is an easy read, humorous at times, but very honest!! (It's NOT a cheesy self help book!)
The only way this could work in your relationship is if your partner has a very very low sex drive. To not get sex for that length of time is very frustrating and it also becomes a big mountain to climb when you do want to have sex again. (For you especially?)
believe you me, we have most of us been there with young kids and not feeling like it - feeling exhausted etc... But as someone whose fist kid will be leaving for uni in less than two years, it was worthwhile keeping things ticking along as we will be just the two of us again in a blink of an eye!

BillSykesDog · 07/10/2016 18:30

Why don't you resettle her at 9:30 and then go to bed with DH? It sounds like he's getting an hour or so with you each evening but broken into snatches and taken up mainly with cooking and eating. Sorry, but that's no way to have a relationship. If you were somehow finding the time for sex it might be tolerable. But it does sound like you've withdrawn.

Also it does sound like chances might be there for sex if you wanted to. But you haven't. Honestly, you don't want to do you? Is this an avoiding tactic?

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 07/10/2016 18:30

And I get DD to sleep by laying her on my chest and then carefully moving her to a pillow and sneaking out. She generally wakes about 30 to 45 minutes later, I resettle in the same way because we are usually trying to have dinner at that point! Then at about 930 she will wake again and that is when I go to bed.

So basically you and your DH have no time on your own.

I know you say it needs to change.

It is going to involve crying in some way.

ProseccoBitch · 07/10/2016 18:32

I think YABU. I'm surprised your OH has put up with it for as long as he has. I wouldn't.

Leaspr · 07/10/2016 18:33

I don't understand this co-sleeping. My daughter doesn't seem psychologically scarred for being put in her own cot and bed!
It takes 2 weeks change a habit. They'd both be used to being on their own or sharing a room with each other after two weeks.
Takes longer to fix a troubled marriage. Sex or lack of has obviously came up in conversation so it's already an issue on the table in my opinion.
I may be wrong but I personally feel that co-sleeping is more about the parents upset and feelings than the child's.

Mrsantithetic · 07/10/2016 18:34

We've had seen probably about 8 times maybe 10 since dd was born 4 years ago.

It's horrific. It's now at the point where it's this huge thing and we are both a bit awkward and I genuinely think our love as shifted to that of room mates/friends.

You need to nip it in the bud... now!! Honestly.

Mrsantithetic · 07/10/2016 18:35

Sex not seen.

Even my phone didn't recognise it

BendydickCuminsnatch · 07/10/2016 18:36

They'll cry and that's OK! They'll cry but they'll learn vital life skills and you'll get your relationship back. Crying is fine. Kids cry!

FrancisCrawford · 07/10/2016 18:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Threebedsemii · 07/10/2016 18:41

Can I ask- those of you saying 18MO should be in their own room- how exactly do you do this? My DC are this age and I can't get them to go to sleep in their rooms, in fact they can't even self settle. One just screams and screams until she's sick

Threebedsemii · 07/10/2016 18:43

COntrolled crying doesn't exactly work with an 18 MO. They'll just get out of bed

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 07/10/2016 18:44

I think you are having trouble making the transition from having babies to having toddlers.

Controlled crying is a thing with babies. I don't like it. I never did it. I was a hippy with the babies. When my babies cried, I responded.

You have a toddler. Toddlers need boundaries. Sometimes when a toddler cries you ignore or pointedly do the opposite of what they are crying for.

Tantrums and tears will not manipulate me, toddler. You are not having sweets now. You shouted at me to give you a drink so I'm not giving you a drink until you ask nicely, no matter how much you cry and scream about dying of thirst.

It is a hard transition to recognise.

I bet you've seen parents who have failed to recognise the transition point. Like that Petunia Dursley with Dudley.

Try the No Cry Sleep Solution

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 07/10/2016 18:45

Vernon Dursley too obviously. I'm not laying it all on the mother.

NoFuchsGiven · 07/10/2016 18:47

Can I ask- those of you saying 18MO should be in their own room- how exactly do you do this?

You do it by doing it before 18 months.

NapQueen · 07/10/2016 18:50

Ok OP. The current situation may feel like it is working because it results in children asleep. However imo it very much isn't working.

Your children are unable to Re settle themselves when they wake
Your own evening is gone
Your dh is (1) not able or willing to help and (2) being left alone every evening

You are not benefitting your dcs in any way by making them so so reliant on you for sleep.

The quickest abs probably most painless way to fix this is a night nanny or sleep consultant type person. They will probably cost a bloody fortune but will be the least stressful.

Another way is to try and tackle things between the two of you.

Start small. Give yourself a week to get dd used to sleeping next to you. Once that's nailed, in her mattress alone while you sit next to her. Once that's nailed, in her bed alone with you at the door.

Threebedsemii · 07/10/2016 18:51

"Today 18:47 NoFuchsGiven

Can I ask- those of you saying 18MO should be in their own room- how exactly do you do this?

You do it by doing it before 18 months"

Yes that's so helpful Hmm

StVincent · 07/10/2016 18:52

Can I ask, what happened to your son? Presumably he learnt to sleep alone at some point? How?

Why was it different with your daughter?

Do you secretly prefer sleeping on your daughter's floor to in bed with your husband? (not judging, just asking)

Olympiathequeen · 07/10/2016 18:52

You either have a saint for a husband, an undersexed one or one who doesn't care about your marriage,

It's ridiculous to pander to your children in this way and to put them ahead of your marriage, when they wave goodbye in years to come it will be you and your husband who need to be there for each other.

Go on like this and you will,have nothing.

TwigTheWonderKid · 07/10/2016 18:53

I don't understand this co-sleeping. Then perhaps you should not comment on something you neither understand nor clearly know anything about.

I think it would be more helpful if everyone stopped telling the OP that her children MUST sleep in their own rooms as she needs advice about her relationship with her husband, not advice on rearing her children. As many happy, co-sleeping posters have said, it is perfectly possible to co-sleep and still maintain a healthy sexual relationship with your partner.

Bagina · 07/10/2016 18:55

Threebedsemii in my experience: you're the grown up, what you say goes. You tell them this is their room and to stay in it. They then fight you like mad for less than a week and then give up and accept it.

It's bloody hard, but you just keep enforcing it. Isn't this one thing that supernanny does well?

NoFuchsGiven · 07/10/2016 18:56

Threebedsemii

I wasn't trying to be unhelpful, I just can not imagine letting it roll on to 18 months without getting a sleep pattern in place.

I have no idea how to solve it for an 18 month old as I have always had a sleeping routine in place for my dc. Sorry if you took offence.

EvansAndThePrince · 07/10/2016 18:56

You don't need to make her cry! If she is waking that often, something is bothering her, she's the wrong temp, uncomfortable..something. As I said, play around with her surroundings until you work out what it is.
Again? Music and making sure my DD is warm enough are what stopped the early night waking for us.

EvansAndThePrince · 07/10/2016 18:57

Sorry, rouge question mark...

Dobbyandme · 07/10/2016 18:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.