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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to expect my OH to accept this

259 replies

Playingitbyear · 07/10/2016 16:15

When DS was born, we found that we all got the most sleep by co-sleeping. Then when DD was born, she would only sleep on my chest. 1 1/2 years later, I still sleep in her room on a mattress on the floor with her head on my chest.

If all four of us were in one room I don't think any of us would get much sleep.

Obviously OH and I haven't had sex for a long time. When we talk about it, I say it is temporary and that everything is on hold until the children sleep in own beds/rooms etc, and he is kind of ok with that. I didn't think it would take this long either!

Anyway, has anyone had a similar arrangement with their relationship still intact? And got their sex life back after a long break? Is this weird or normal? And AIBU to expect my OH to accept this?

OP posts:

MrsKoala · 07/10/2016 17:05

Obviously OH and I haven't had sex for a long time

I don't get this idea. We have coslept with our 4yo since he was born and since ds2 (2) was born we have slept apart - each co sleeping with one of the children. While we do hardly have sex now (I'm due dc3 any day) it isn't because of the sleeping arrangements. It's because we are too tired. Being in bed together would not change that.

In fact before we had dc i can count on one hand the amount of times we had sex at bed time in bed.

When we told people we were having dc3 they were all 'how can you be when you don't sleep in the same bed?' Errr what?? cocks and vaginas work at other times of the day and in other rooms you know!

SleepFreeZone · 07/10/2016 17:07

In never convinced that these type of sleeping arrangements are really beneficial for the child.

VinoTime · 07/10/2016 17:15

Eh?

OP, why on earth are you pandering to the sleep whims of two tiny people? You're allowing them to rule the roost, so to speak. Bugger that! They need to learn to sleep in their own beds.

I never allowed DD in my bed unless it was for a quick night feed. She always went back to her own bed. From day one. It put the correct boundaries in place and established a firm bedtime routine. I'd be banging my head against the wall if I was your OH. You are being totally unreasonable.

I know people like to parent differently and everyone has their own ideas on what's best for their children, but I really struggle to understand why anybody would allow a child to dictate the bedtime terms unless there is some sort of health issue at play. I've yet to hear of a single case where it hasn't resulted in a 'rod for your own back' situation with the parents for months/years to come. Sleep is so important for people, especially young, developing children. Establishing an independent bedtime routine is, imho, one of the best things you can do for the health of well-being of a child - and your own sanity!

You are teaching you DD to call all the shots and I fear if you don't get this nipped now, you'll have years of sleep problems to come. Not to mention the damage this will do to your relationship.

NoFuchsGiven · 07/10/2016 17:16

In never convinced that these type of sleeping arrangements are really beneficial for the child

I have to agree, how is the child getting a good nights sleep if every time they stir they have to check mum is still there. So much better for them to be sleeping alone and learning it is quite normal in life to not have mum there all the time.

midcenturymodern · 07/10/2016 17:17

I wouldn't stay in a relationship where is was 'obvious' that there would be no sex unless there was a very good reason. Choosing to sleep on the floor with a toddler would not constitute a good reason for me.

MrsTerryPratchett · 07/10/2016 17:18

Or... they know from birth that mum is always there so they have very secure attachment and become independent older children.

Notonthestairs · 07/10/2016 17:20

You do need to talk to your DH - to me it sounds like he hasn't had much say in any of this and is just going along with what you've decided.

Relationships do take a backseat when kids arrive - but maybe now is the time to resurrect that part of your life (on the backseat if necessary).

Smoogi · 07/10/2016 17:20

Mother of god.
You are cracked.
I take it you don't want to have sex then.
your OH would be well within his rights to pack his bags and seek a better relationship elsewhere.

Mybeardeddragonjustdied2016 · 07/10/2016 17:21

Wife first
Mother second.

OnionKnight · 07/10/2016 17:21

I think your OH needs to look elsewhere.

MaQueen · 07/10/2016 17:22

I think this days faaaar more about the OP's need to be needed by her DC, than anything else...one of those women who much prefers to be 98% a Mummy and only 2% a wife...

eatsleephockeyrepeat · 07/10/2016 17:22

In never convinced that these type of sleeping arrangements are really beneficial for the child

As with all things parenting I think it's a case of specific family circumstances. It certainly can be no worse than any other arrangements. Children invariably benefit from a happy and functioning family unit, however that's achieved.

PS I would suggest the family unit is straining in the OP's case.

PoldarksBreeches · 07/10/2016 17:24

This is so ridiculous I actually laughed.
1- your 18 month old doesn't need to slee with her head on you. I assume that means you go to bed at 7.30?!
2- you don't need to be in bed to have sex
3- if you literally revolve around your children you will have fuck all left of a relationship. I'm all for being child focused but this is absurd.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 07/10/2016 17:26

Are you BF? Your DD only sleeping on your chest at 18m+ is quite frankly ridiculous and something you are completely responsible for. That isn't co sleeping, it's just a habit that you could of stopped ages ago.

I agree.

Do you how to bed at the same time as your DC?

Do you and DH get no time alone together at all?

LadyConstanceDeCoverlet · 07/10/2016 17:27

You aren't doing DD any favours with this arrangement. Start tonight by telling her she needs to sleep with her head on a pillow like other little girls. Maybe stay with her overnight for a few days, then once she's in the new routine, move back to your own bed. Be very firm that that is how it is going to be and that crying won't change things.

Wallykazam · 07/10/2016 17:29

My husband and I bed share, i do with my little one and my husband bed shares with the eldest who is 4, like you, we also found it was the easiest way to get any sleep and we love it, we get our weekends away and leave the kids with the grandparents - both sets who are more than happy to bedshare So we get our couple time, my husband doesn't mind as they are only little for a short period of time and already the eldest is asking to have a bunk bed to share with the sibling when we move to a bigger house. No fights or battles to transition them, they can't wait to have their own room! We were both bought up this way so really don't see it to be an issue... it's a cultural thing for us. We still manage to have a intimate relationship, think the box, it doesn't have to b black or white!

Wallykazam · 07/10/2016 17:30

Think out the box - it was meant to say

milkshakeandmonstermunch · 07/10/2016 17:32

Does anyone think OP is going to come back to this?

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 07/10/2016 17:33

What are you doing about it? You say When we talk about it, I say it is temporary and that everything is on hold until the children sleep in own beds/rooms etc

But there's no mention of your plan to get them doing this.

Like someone else said, it should take about a week of tantrums, bad nights and general growing pains. Power through and a week later everyone's sorted.

You'll face this stuff over and over again, sometimes you have to be the bad guy holding firm until the little darlings realise you will make them to do the right thing even when they really hate it because you are the adult. Homework. Spellings. Tidying up. Brushing teeth. Getting out of the house to school on time. Not eating snacks right before dinner. Millions of things.

18 months is not a newborn. She can sleep on her own without it scarring her for life. Her parents splitting up would likely have a much worse effect.

midcenturymodern · 07/10/2016 17:34

Does anyone think OP is going to come back to this?

Nope, but I think a variation of it will be on Mathew Wright or in the Daily Mail within the week.

Rubberduck2 · 07/10/2016 17:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Crunchymum · 07/10/2016 17:36

We often don't sleep in the same room co-sleeping, bf toddler who doesn't skeep through and never has

We still however have sex.

Relationship isn't great to be honest but without the sex or intimacy we'd be in real trouble.

gamerwidow · 07/10/2016 17:38

I don't think the co sleeping is a problem as such. I understand what it's like when you have a non sleeper and you'll do whatever works just to get a bit of sleep. No one should be having sex if they don't want to and you're within your rights to say no but it will put a massive strain on the relationship. I don't think many relationships would survive that lack of intimacy unless it's something both partners want. I know I would feel very rejected if my DH chose not to have sex with me for months on end.

NoFuchsGiven · 07/10/2016 17:40

Wallykazam Your Parents and in laws both co sleep with your dc so you can have weekends away?

I think I will drum in contraception a little harder to my dc from now on

Purplepicnic · 07/10/2016 17:45

You want to do the best for your children, this is presumably why you have this sleeping arrangement. But you're forgetting that keeping your marriage going is in the best interests of your children also.

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