Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to expect my OH to accept this

259 replies

Playingitbyear · 07/10/2016 16:15

When DS was born, we found that we all got the most sleep by co-sleeping. Then when DD was born, she would only sleep on my chest. 1 1/2 years later, I still sleep in her room on a mattress on the floor with her head on my chest.

If all four of us were in one room I don't think any of us would get much sleep.

Obviously OH and I haven't had sex for a long time. When we talk about it, I say it is temporary and that everything is on hold until the children sleep in own beds/rooms etc, and he is kind of ok with that. I didn't think it would take this long either!

Anyway, has anyone had a similar arrangement with their relationship still intact? And got their sex life back after a long break? Is this weird or normal? And AIBU to expect my OH to accept this?

OP posts:
MotherDuckSaid · 07/10/2016 17:46

if you wanted to ud find time (at other times) to 'do the deed' ! We have five kids and we hardly ever do That at night ! Obv no 1 knows how ur relationship is, i can only relate it to my own. I dont think we'd survive without intimacy, as parents we get so caught up in the day to day runnings of family life that without sex we'd basically be just lodgers who share children!
We don't share the same room either(he gets kicked out during my pregnancy and while i co sleep and b.feed a newborn)

gratesnakes · 07/10/2016 17:48

Hello OP, I don't know why everyone is being so rude to you. You sound like a loving mum and your kids are very lucky to have you. If you also love your H then this situation will be easy to change. Invite him to have sex in the afternoon starting from next week . Then you can work on fixing the sleeping arrangements if and when you feel you want to.

Fortybingowings · 07/10/2016 17:50

Mid century has it.
This is a made-up thread by a DM jouro looking for story material surely?

Babylove2015 · 07/10/2016 17:51

He could be secretly harbouring resentment, you never know. And yeah, there is a big possibility he will get fed up and leave or cheat.

One of the most important things you can do for your child is have a happy marriage - Dr.Phil.

Your husband was there before your baby, don't push him to the background. It's about balance not a 100% all baby.

Chickoletta · 07/10/2016 17:53

Bonkers!
Like other posters I think that the sex issue is secondary here to the fact that you have created such awful sleep patterns for your children.

Chickoletta · 07/10/2016 17:54
  • sleep associations, not patterns.
1wokeuplikethis · 07/10/2016 17:54

I agree with gratesnakes. You are being a wonderful mum by putting your children first. But there has to be a limit to that. If you love your husband and you are happy with him, then you must surely miss the intimacy. In which case you are putting the childrens needs before both of yours and that's not healthy to do 100% of the time.

I guess you like sleeping with your youngest, which is lovely. However this scenario is quite different to having a little one in bed with you sometimes. You are away from your husband every night. Without intimacy you just have friendship.

When the children are grown up remember it is you and your husband who are left together again and you will want to be happy. children's needs should be a priority but so should those of your relationship.

FeelingHotHotHotOhYeah · 07/10/2016 17:56

It's not going to get any better though. As long as you keep up these sleeping arrangements your kids are t going to stop. Eventually you need to stop babying them and teach them to sleep on their own. Yes it's tough for a while and hard work but how you are now isn't normal or healthy!
Sort out the sleeping and get you and DH back in a room together

MrsKoala · 07/10/2016 17:58

No Fuchs My parents co sleep with my 2 dc when dh and I go away. They love it! My mum loves her night time cuddles. Ds1 (4) stays over once a week and sleeps with my mum which they both love.

NapQueen · 07/10/2016 17:59

It would be good if the op could return.

elfonshelf · 07/10/2016 18:13

We co-slept with DD until she was 5. She was breast-fed till she was 3.5 years and until we moved house just before her 5th birthday she didn't actually have a bedroom. When we moved, I slept in her new room with her for a couple of weeks till she was used to the new house (could find her way to the bathroom at night without getting lost while half asleep etc) and then moved back in with DH. No tantrums or protests at all.

No situation with her 'ruling us' by being in our room - she never knew that there was another option, it was just how things were. In huge numbers of families across the world co-sleeping is the norm, putting babies to sleep alone is a very modern and Western concept and there is plenty of research to suggest that it's not ideal.

We've never had issues about sleeping - no bad dreams or monsters or protests about going to bed. I had a mesh bar thing on my side of the bed so there was no danger of anyone falling out or getting squashed. She could latch herself on by the age of 6 weeks so I rarely woke up at night for feeds and we all got a good nights sleep.

Obviously it puts a bit of a stop to night-time shenanigans. The first year after she was born I had zero interest - very traumatic birth with rotational forceps being the main passion killer, plus the breastfeeding and I had PND - after that, we just got used to be a bit more creative. DH was totally on board with the decision from day 1, especially as he never once had to get up at night.

DD is now 7 and our marriage is blissfully happy. If DH is away then DD will always come and sleep in our bed with me - I love it, she's warm and snuggly and only little for such a short amount of time.

If your OH is unhappy then that is something you need to resolve between you - whether it means your DC sleeping independently or making time for each other as a couple in other ways.

EweAreHere · 07/10/2016 18:16

YABU.

Sorry, but you have created this dependency. 18 months and the toddler can only sleep on your chest? You have created and fostered this bad habit ... it's going to be painful to break now, but you need to.

TheNaze73 · 07/10/2016 18:16

YABVU. Sex & money are the two biggest catalysts to marriage breakdowns

TwigTheWonderKid · 07/10/2016 18:20

It is possible to not share a bedroom and still have sex. Due to extended co-sleeping (and DH's snoring) we haven't shared a bedroom for 12 years but we still manage it! You just need to be a bit creative.

GizmoFrisby · 07/10/2016 18:20

I have been here with my dd now 17m. It nearly ruined my relationship. I couldn't bare to leave her crying and laid on her floor every night on a fold down bed with my arm through her cot so she would sleep without crying. Biggest mistake I've ever made. After realising my relationship was about to fall apart we did cc for 3 nights and she now sleeps alone and I get time with my ds and dp. I have been where you are and know how hard it is but you need to really try and think of others in the situation. Hope you manage to work it out Flowers

Original poster
Playingitbyear · 07/10/2016 18:21

Wow. this has given me a lot to think about. I feel really bad. Just to answer a couple of questions, no, not breastfeeding any more. And I get DD to sleep by laying her on my chest and then carefully moving her to a pillow and sneaking out. She generally wakes about 30 to 45 minutes later, I resettle in the same way because we are usually trying to have dinner at that point! Then at about 930 she will wake again and that is when I go to bed.

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 07/10/2016 18:21

YABU and this is how many men feel like a low priority and have affairs.

EvansAndThePrince · 07/10/2016 18:22

How is it obvious that you have no sex? I co-sleep with my 18mo...DH has his own room...I'm 5 months pregnant so clearly we aren't struggling to have sex.

Sort out your priorities, have sex with your husband or you'll find that whenever you decide to lift DD's head from your chest and leave the room, there will be nobody there to greet you.

SandyY2K · 07/10/2016 18:22

It makes men resentful and jealous of DCs when sex comes to a ground halt. Changed are obviously expected, but this is insane.

EvansAndThePrince · 07/10/2016 18:25

If she's waking that often then she is uncomfortable in some way. Occasionally my DD wakes frequently in the early evening but generally I leave the room once she's asleep (say 7.30) and am able to stay through in the living room until I want to go to bed. Is she warm enough?

milkshakeandmonstermunch · 07/10/2016 18:25

Your DD has developed a sleep association in that case and she will cry for you at the end of each sleep cycle (30-45mins at that age) when she realises you aren't there. For the sake of your relationship - and therefore your family - she needs to go to sleep in her own bed. You can join her later if you have to but you should be able to enjoy a meal with your OH without pandering to a toddler.

EvansAndThePrince · 07/10/2016 18:26

Also try having music on, that helped us massively and it now stays on all night.

Original poster
Playingitbyear · 07/10/2016 18:26

I really don't want to do controlled crying. In an ideal world world both children would sleep in their own rooms and beds and OH and I would even be able to go out and have babysitters! There must be a way without crying though.
I am realising I need help.

OP posts:
m0therofdragons · 07/10/2016 18:26

Dh and I co slept with our dtds. We had lots of sofa sex Blush.

There comes a point when you need to decide whether you're co sleeping for dc or yourself. Waking every 30minutes means your dc isn't getting into a proper deep sleep which they need for development.

PretzelPrincess · 07/10/2016 18:26

We have 2 under 2 that we co-sleep with in different rooms. So me and DH sleep in different beds. Our sex life hasn't suffered and is better than ever, you have to make time for your relationship too. It's unfair on your partner, yourself and your relationship not to!

Swipe left for the next trending thread