To tell DD she can ignore the no makeup rule

[Hedgehog80]

Dd (14) goes to a school where they have a complete make up ban up till sixth form. She's never worn make up at school previously (except eyebrow pencil but it was cleared by the school due to a medical issue)

She recently has been on a medication that has affected her skin and subsequently her self esteem. Dd also has lifelong medical conditions that are very difficult for her and has now developed depression....she told me that up till now she could put on a happy smiley act at school but she can't anymore as she's too u happy and looks awful (she does look v unwell and has terrible dark circles under eyes)

She asked today could she wear make up for two reasons - to hide the circles and spots and to make her look a bit better and also because she knows if she wears it she won't cry as then it'll all run and smudge so she thought it would be help.

I told her yes to ignore the ban and keep it as natural as she possibly can. I think in the circumstances it's ok ?
I'm not sure dh will agree with me and no idea if the school will notice/what they may say but they've been fully supportive so far with any issues

I realise how I've written makes it sound like I'm being a total hypocrite. My experience and op's dd's are very different. Mine was a simple case of teenage acne, and op's daughters is not. While I think all teenagers should be allowed minimal make up at schools the situations are very different.

Op's dd is keen to wear it, op allowing her will not send her the message she needs it, it will send her the message that she is supported. I did not want to wear it so DM and DSis trying to get me to did make me feel like they thought I should wear it- that's the difference.

Sorry, it's hard to type so much so quickly about something I feel strongly about and have it all make sense.

If the school have been excellent up to now, then I'd not expect them to think make-up to help DD feel 'normal' would be an unreasonable request.

Before DD started her current treatment for ulcerative colitis, she was one course after course of steroids. They totally messed with her skin. Dreadful spots, hair on her face and she was even paler than usual and baggier eyed. DD is in her 30's and too busy looking after a lively one year old to be that bothered but had she been at school, she'd have been desperate to cover up her spots and bumps. I don't think it should be a big deal. I wear make-up every day because if I don't I look like I'm about to expire. I look really unwell if I don't and everyone comments. So I wear natural foundation, blusher, concealer because I look healthier and feel better. If your DD has a lifelong condition, then she does need help in coming to terms with that and coping in the long run, but for now, anything that helps her feel a bit more confident, is fine imo as long as she doesn't look obviously 'made up'.

Bloody hell, don't tell the school. She's not hurting anyone by wearing some foundation and concealer.

I hate stupid petty rules like this.

Op i'm sorry you've had some nasty and unsupportive posts.
I Understand it's not above 'being beautiful'
I was bullied horrendously for my skin and i still have issues now ( though i can go without makeup and do most days).
I'm sorry your dd is feeling so bad.
I know a poster mentioned roaccuntane, however i would be very careful as your daughter has suffered with mh issues.
Has your daughter tried anything from the gp? Understand she may not be able to have medication, but what about creams or gels?
The contraceptive? ( that is used to clear up skin is very effective).
Majority of spot items in shops have the same active ingredient that a lot of people don't respond to.
I only got clear skin when i became an adult threw out all my skincare products.
Bare minerals do a really good concealer called bisque.

I would say yes let her too.

My own DD has been in a similar situation & as she says it helps her to feel better if she doesn't look like death warmed ip, every time she passes a mirror or window. They don't have a ban at her school per se, but its meant to be very natural, but they don't enforce that so much. Ive now just backed off & let her get on with it.

Though ironically, when she had a black eye recently, she went in make up free as she couldnt see tge point of trying to hide it

Bare minerals powder foundations are very good coverage & very natural looking too, they also have a blemish one. DD loved these for natural coverage, as do I

I was definilty not suggesting roaccutane Kali the kid is on steroids! Just giving background to my own experiences. If the bad skin is a side effect from steroids then I doubt there will be a medical easy fix other than to stop the steroids which is clearly a bad idea.

Hedgehog I'm just catching up with some of the comments & having been exactly where you are, I say forget about worrying about how to build up her self esteem so she feels confident going make up free. These are not normal circumstances & you just do what you can to get by & deal with anything else later.

Chances are, as has happened with my own DD, when she is well again, she will feel so good about looking "normal" again, that she won't care whether she wears make up or not

Good luck, I really hope it helps her cope

Plus the message if you cry and threaten suicide you get what you want. Which is really concerning.

Jeez Louise what an ugly thing to say.

I think its unrealistic to say to teenagers. Don't wear make up. They might as well be asking thd pope not to believe in God. I'm not talking about aggressive make up. Where they look like a bloody circus clown Just a bit of subtle foundation mascara and lip balm.

Im 40 and I won't even take the bins out without make up on, as many adults cant, so It'd be hypocritical of me to say teens shouldn't wear it.

Excited101 no i didn't say you were, but even if she comes off steroids as her dd has struggled with depression just advising to think about it if Roaccuntane is suggested ( if a doctor would even advise it).

strange there have been several really horrible posts on this thread. Hopefully op is simply ignoring them.

I'm surprised anyone thinks she shouldn't be allowed to wear the makeup. It's obvious that not wearing it is severely affecting her mental health.

Wearing makeup doesn't hurt anyone. It's not a rule that causes anyone any problems if broken.

If it was my DD and school made a fuss about it I'd be moving schools.

the post about threatening suicide is nasty. the OPs daughter didn't threaten anything- she simply said she feels suicidal sometimes. that is not a threat. and even if someone was threatening suicide it doesn't mean they are not depressed! i have seen genuinely depressed people make suicide gestures as a cry for help. it is just as legitimate as actual attempts as far as i'm concerned.

OP, your DD is very blessed to have such a caring mother. many parents aren't willing to accept a child being depressed. mine didn't. wishing you and your DD all the best

Goodness me there are some unpleasant posts on this thread. Mumsnet is supposed to be about supporting each other, and the OP sounds like she needs lots of support, with the very difficult time her dd is having.

I hate make up, have pretty much never worn it and generally think people look much better without it, but in this case it's really more of an accommodation to a disability/chronic condition than trying to look 'beautiful'. Knowing you look very ill isn't normal teenage angst. Wearing make up is a form of camouflage in this case, a bit of a fight back against reality. OP I hope that school are supportive, sounds like your dd is fighting very hard to have a normal life and not let her illnesses defeat her. I really hope that things improve for her in the near future.

Speak to school. Good luck.

School rules about make up are pretty stupid IMHO and benefit virtually no one. yes, you don;t want it to be a fashion competition each day but still a bit of make up is totally natural for teenage girls.

Hope your dd feels better soon. Not read all posts, have you fixed up counselling for her? Ignore me if you have OP.

Hopefully the school will be fine with it. They're generally okay with makeup that isn't noticeable.

On a slightly different note does she have a beauty blender? They help foundation look natural. Also a decent primer will even out the skin to stop foundation looking cakey and unnatural. Garnier perfect blur is pretty good and decently priced.

All good wishes - she sounds like a great girl going through a tough time and I hope things improve for her soon.

My school had the same kind of thing, but they wouldn't look twice at someone just wearing a bit of tinted moisturiser and mascara or whatever. They've got bigger fish to fry. As far as I'm aware, the rule is in place to deter those who are tempted to wear a full face of makeup every day.

When I was at one school we had a rule allowing discreet makeup from year 10 onwards and I think it was a good rule.

Some people will say makeup reinforces girls' insecurities but I think, having been a teenager with low esteem who found makeup a great way of gaining control over some aspect of my life, I think the opposite is true.

Make up has given me great pleasure and confidence as I've grown up. I can see why schools want girls to put less emphasis on their looks, but this is a very tricky area in my opinion. I remember in a different school a girl being forced to wash her face in the middle of a science class, and the overriding memory I have is of her humiliation and embarrassment. It seemed really cruel, intended by the teacher to strip her of something personal.

I know loads won't agree on this and will say that rules are rules. I accept that, but it seems more complicated when you take teenage girls' feelings into account.

You mentioned DD has sensitive skin - have you tried Cetaphil products? They do a cleanser and moisturiser and work miracles - perfect for sensitive skin as it's high tolerance

hedgehog if you can afford it, definitely take her to the bare minerals counter. I had horrible pcos acne 2 years ago and it did the job so naturally. Your poor DD, it's shit enough being a teenager.

Can't believe some of the posts on this thread.

What this girl sees when she looks in the mirror is not some kind of natural look that she has to be taught to embrace: it is the ravages of illness.

It is a constant reminder that she is different, that she will go on being different, that she will be in pain when her peers are not, that she will be weak when they are strong. And it isn't just a reminder to her: it is also a reminder to them.

She wants, no doubt, to be treated like an ordinary healthy teenager. If she goes into school looking like death warmed up, that is not going to happen.

All those who think the OP's dd is a sign of the unhealthy fascination with female beauty- I assume you are equally judgey of a cancer sufferer who wears a wig? A diabetic who wears a prosthetic limb which isn't actually very functional, just because he doesn't want to look different? The survivor of a car crash who has surgery on his scars?

This girl is a survivor. Chronic pain is a horrible, horrible thing to have to live with, it requires enormous courage. Sometimes that courage falters a little, it would be strange otherwise. And if someone who is brave and determined enough to want to keep on going decides to resort to some small trick to be able to do so, then I think it would be better for those of us who were lucky enough to be born in healthy bodies to thank our lucky stars rather than to sneer at somebody who is dealing with what we don't have to.

My dd got as far as the actual suicide attempts. Twice.

If it's subtly applied they won't even notice.

From what I've observed at dc's school a 'ban' on things like makeup, skirt length, shade of grey etc is usually issued with the tacit understanding that it'll probably be flouted and that an acceptable middle ground will be reached.

Fucking hell. There are some horrible replies on this thread.

I would love to open a thread just once and see nothing but support for a poster who is clearly struggling. Even if they don't agree with the OP.

There always has to be a couple of posters who have to be complete arseholes. Grow the fuck up. Thankfully the majority posters are supportive and have empathy.

OP YANBU at all. to you and your daughter.

This girl is a survivor. Chronic pain is a horrible, horrible thing to have to live with, it requires enormous courage. Sometimes that courage falters a little, it would be strange otherwise. And if someone who is brave and determined enough to want to keep on going decides to resort to some small trick to be able to do so, then I think it would be better for those of us who were lucky enough to be born in healthy bodies to thank our lucky stars rather than to sneer at somebody who is dealing with what we don't have to.

Beautifully said.

Some awful replies here. Please let her wear concealer, light foundation and I took dd to have her eyelashes dyed, she had awful acne pre and during roaccutsne. The school never even noticed or if they did they didn't say anything. I think probably not blatant - Kyle jenner lips etc but other than that I'd be amazed if the school said anything.

Are the teacher's at your dd's school reasonable people on the whole? They are at dd's comp and I know that despite there being a no makeup rule they wouldn't say anything or probably even notice subtle, natural looking makeup. It's the OTT makeup they are not wanting.