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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell DD she can ignore the no makeup rule

208 replies

Hedgehog80 · 06/10/2016 16:30

Dd (14) goes to a school where they have a complete make up ban up till sixth form. She's never worn make up at school previously (except eyebrow pencil but it was cleared by the school due to a medical issue)

She recently has been on a medication that has affected her skin and subsequently her self esteem. Dd also has lifelong medical conditions that are very difficult for her and has now developed depression....she told me that up till now she could put on a happy smiley act at school but she can't anymore as she's too u happy and looks awful (she does look v unwell and has terrible dark circles under eyes)

She asked today could she wear make up for two reasons - to hide the circles and spots and to make her look a bit better and also because she knows if she wears it she won't cry as then it'll all run and smudge so she thought it would be help.

I told her yes to ignore the ban and keep it as natural as she possibly can. I think in the circumstances it's ok ?
I'm not sure dh will agree with me and no idea if the school will notice/what they may say but they've been fully supportive so far with any issues

OP posts:
Isitjustmeorisiteveryoneelse · 06/10/2016 18:52

Omg catlady! They did the baby lotion/cotton wool at my school too, had forgotten that. Mind you, the (woman) deputy head would also sneak up and pinch our legs to see if we were wearing regulation 'nude' tights i/o bare legs. It was a Catholic school though, so we probably got off lightly with just the enforced 'cleansing' and leg pinching. I didn't mind the leg pinching too much but the ensuing Hail Marys really grated.....

CancellyMcChequeface · 06/10/2016 18:53

YANBU at all. Obviously in an ideal world a person's physical appearance wouldn't affect their self-esteem, but the fact is that it does. Most adult women who have spots or other skin issues wear make-up to conceal them, I don't see anything at all wrong with teenagers doing the same if they want to. Some people are comfortable without make-up and that's fine too.

I wouldn't ask the school's permission. If it's natural-looking, they shouldn't comment on it, and if they do, then the situation can be explained. It'd be unreasonable of them, and in my opinion cruel, to insist that she can't wear it - people, including young people, need some control over the image they present to the world.

kali110 · 06/10/2016 18:53

persian i wish i'd had that option when i was at school, that cream would have helped me.

So much lack of compassion towards a girl who's already going through a lot.
It's not about thinking can't leave the house without makeup on, but struggling so much with health and esteem issues that's she's struggling with how she looks.
Having problem skin at school can be crippling.

CandyOcean · 06/10/2016 19:01

hedgehog80
Lisa Eldridge (pro makeup artist) has a very good video tutorial about spot concealing - she advocates a tiny brush and just concealing the spot itself with a good concealer, and showing off as much 'good' skin as possible. Your daughter might enjoy it:

www.lisaeldridge.com/video/12764/acneblemish-covering-make-up/#.V_aRvRnTXqA

Baylisiana · 06/10/2016 19:05

It isn't really relevant in this individual case but actually I don't think it is a good thing to teach a slavish unquestioning obedience of rules. If you are a kind, moral, responsible person you will be able to see where rules are unnecessary or even wrong and to question them in the right way. Many school rules especially are painted with a broad brush to cover many situations. I am not saying just flout rules with no consideration, just saying that being someone who can see and do the right thing is about way more than rules, and sometimes conflicts with them.

Lweji · 06/10/2016 19:09

Did they notice anything?

I wouldn't bother talking to the school if she's just wearing concealer, essentially.
I doubt anyone will notice it.

Dontpanicpyke · 06/10/2016 19:10

God what a ridiculous rule.

Yes a little well applied concealer would be fine.

WildwestWind · 06/10/2016 19:25

At our school we accept make up which is used to cover spots etc. Everyone needs a little help with their self esteem, but especially teenagers and we are supportive of their needs. What really gets us cross is tango faces with eye liner painted on with a trowel.

Ausernotanumber · 06/10/2016 19:32

I wouldn't. DD school has the same rule and my line was always if you want to wear it do so but you take the rap if they catch you.

What other rules do you encourage her to flout?

One rule for yours, one for mine? That's not fair. Work on building her self esteem in other ways, not on wearing make up because she won't cry in case it comes off.

Dontpanicpyke · 06/10/2016 19:37

What a stupid world we live in when people st their most vulnerable can't wear a little bit of makeup to feel better about themselves and more confident.

Porpoises · 06/10/2016 19:40

No ausernotanumber, insisting a child with serieous health problems follow a blanket rule that disproprionately affects her (because of the illnes's effect on her appearance) - that's not fair. Empathy and judgement beats blind adherence to ever rule.

MrsJayy · 06/10/2016 19:45

I hate the banning of... in schools it is not needed your poor dd a bit of make up helps her face her day i would contact school 14 is plenty old enough to wear some make up to school if they want.

specialsubject · 06/10/2016 19:48

How about approaching the school about a policy change? I have seen school policies which allow concealer and light foundation so that the spotty ones are more comfortable. Still bans red and black circles, brown stripes and the other vlogger horrors.

TeacherBob · 06/10/2016 19:50

You can slag me off as much as you like.
But figure this...

OP says school is understanding.
OP say tell daughter to ignore rule.
OP says school agreed to make up for this previously.

So, just break a rule because you don't agree with it?

That's crap. That is just teaching children that they can choose which rules to follow. Society doesn't work like that.

Also, consider this...
You are telling a child they need make up to feel beautiful. Doesn't mumsnet have a habit of complaining of the media doing just that :p

Chances are the school would agree anyway but no, everyone here suggesting it is ok to just break a rule.

No wonder society is falling apart.

MrsJayy · 06/10/2016 19:50

Dd2 has bad skin she wore face powder and concelear to school if it was red and inflamed I dont think make up affects learning

Original poster
Hedgehog80 · 06/10/2016 19:55

Dd is beautiful to me with or without make up but HER self esteem is low and it makes HER feel better which enables her to feel able to get into school for a short time and rightly or wrongly makes her feel she won't cry with it on as it'll come off.

Dd is 14 and is going through absolute hell. She's at a crucial time with starting GCSEs and I'll admit I want her to get in to school as much as is possible so she can do them and this helps so I've told her she can wear it

Chances are school will be ok with it as they were previously. I don't really understand why minimal make up is a problem when it is helping dd. It's one of the very few things in her life she has some control over

OP posts:
Revealall · 06/10/2016 19:56

I don't think under 16's looking rough is enough to warrant breaking a rule. They aren't meant to look fantastic are they it's all large noses and gawky bodies and spots.
I think make up in the day makes most women look a bit shit if I'm honest though do I accept I may be alone in this.

I had severe bunions since childhood so I do understand how embarrassing not looking as you want you is. Imagine all those barefoot PE lessons, swimming etc I had to face. But actually if you just lump it you realise other people don't see you as defective.

SaltedCaramelEverything · 06/10/2016 19:58

YANBU. Explain to the form tutor / head of year / pastoral manager - whoever is most helpful with these issues. Just check it is toned down, so a thin layer of foundation and probably vest to leave the blusher to keep school happy

TeacherBob · 06/10/2016 19:59

hedgehog this isn't about wearing makeup though is it.

You could have easily spoken to the school and I am sure a solution would have been found.

This is the fact you tell her to just ignore a rule.

Also, and this is VERY key, but if you give her that message, regardless of what else you say, you WILL give the message that she needs make up to be beautiful.

MrsJayy · 06/10/2016 19:59

Looking rough Hmm

Original poster
Hedgehog80 · 06/10/2016 20:00

Dd has enough to hide already she's overly conscious already of her scoliosis and misshapen ribcage. She feels dreadful all the time, she's in pain, exhausted and dizzy and faints a lot

I think in all honestly if she feels she has a bit of control over her face then it's a good thing

OP posts:
Ausernotanumber · 06/10/2016 20:00

My child has a serious health condition that affects her looks. She wasn't allowed to wear make up, and rightly so.

Ausernotanumber · 06/10/2016 20:01

You should have spoken to the school FIRST. not just told her to rock on.

Original poster
Hedgehog80 · 06/10/2016 20:02

It's about dd feeling a little bit better

It's about dd having some tiny bit of control over a body she feels is failing her not about being 'beautiful' she just wants to look 'normal'

OP posts:
Aworldofmyown · 06/10/2016 20:03

How about some Benetint lip and cheek stain? Its very natural. But I agree with others, you do need to have a chat with the school.