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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell DD she can ignore the no makeup rule

208 replies

Hedgehog80 · 06/10/2016 16:30

Dd (14) goes to a school where they have a complete make up ban up till sixth form. She's never worn make up at school previously (except eyebrow pencil but it was cleared by the school due to a medical issue)

She recently has been on a medication that has affected her skin and subsequently her self esteem. Dd also has lifelong medical conditions that are very difficult for her and has now developed depression....she told me that up till now she could put on a happy smiley act at school but she can't anymore as she's too u happy and looks awful (she does look v unwell and has terrible dark circles under eyes)

She asked today could she wear make up for two reasons - to hide the circles and spots and to make her look a bit better and also because she knows if she wears it she won't cry as then it'll all run and smudge so she thought it would be help.

I told her yes to ignore the ban and keep it as natural as she possibly can. I think in the circumstances it's ok ?
I'm not sure dh will agree with me and no idea if the school will notice/what they may say but they've been fully supportive so far with any issues

OP posts:

Ausernotanumber · 06/10/2016 20:03

Yes. I get that. But you should have spoken to the school first. You can't just tell her not to obey the rules that sends totally the wrong message.

Longlost10 · 06/10/2016 20:05

What a stupid world we live in when people st their most vulnerable can't wear a little bit of makeup to feel better about themselves and more confident.

what a stupid stupid stupid world we live in where people ( ie females) who feel vulnerable, are taught they are required to spend time and money and cover up their natural faces to feel better about themselves and more confident.

I think you are setting her up for some major psychological issues OP

Original poster

Hedgehog80 · 06/10/2016 20:06

She suddenly got very upset, it wasn't pre planned it was a spur of the moment thing and it was literally make up on and to school

Considering she had been asking about dignitas and crying about what had she done wrong to deserve this life it wasn't really that big a deal to me at the time it was only afterwards I wondered

OP posts:

PersianCatLady · 06/10/2016 20:06

Omg catlady!
The weirdest thing about the bottle of baby lotion was that it was always full even though a few girls used it every day and the roll of cotton wool never seemed to get any smaller. Totally irrelevant but weird all the same.

persian i wish i'd had that option when i was at school, that cream would have helped me
I only found out about it after the dermatologist at the hospital referred me to the service.

I am not sure if it is still the Red Cross that offer it but I know that there is still a service and to get an appointment your have to be referred by your GP. Once they have found the best match for your skin tone they even give you a prescription for the products you need (except for people who want to cover tattoos I think).

Although personally I found applying the camouflage properly a bit difficult I think that was mainly because I am crap at applying any kind of make-up.

I have attached some before and after photos that I found online to show how effective the camouflage cream can be.

If anyone or their DD or DS is suffering because of acne (or any other) skin marks or scars I would definitely ask your GP about it as I actually think it can mean all the difference to someone who is losing confidence because of their skin.

TeacherBob · 06/10/2016 20:07

hedgehog I get that. And get why you think it will help her.

What I am saying is, I believe it will have the opposite effect to what you think it will.

Original poster

Hedgehog80 · 06/10/2016 20:07

I did not suggest it. Dd asked could she wear some and I said yes

OP posts:

Ausernotanumber · 06/10/2016 20:08

If she's planning suicide you really need to be a lot more on the ball with the gp. You should take her to A&E as an emergency.

PersianCatLady · 06/10/2016 20:09

Sorry forgot to add the photos.

To tell DD she can ignore the no makeup rule

Ausernotanumber · 06/10/2016 20:09

What if she was a boy? Where it isn't "normal" to wear make up? Boys would have to just, what, get over it? That's why I think you need another way to support her, not by make up.

And seriously. If she's planning dignitas. Take her to A&E. now. Please.

Original poster

Hedgehog80 · 06/10/2016 20:11

She didn't mean it, she was just asking as was so upset. I asked her directly was she going to hurt herself and she said no but sometimes she wonders about going there one day
She had a GP appt this afternoon and has another Monday so that side of things is in hand

OP posts:

Original poster

Hedgehog80 · 06/10/2016 20:13

what if she was a boy?

She's not so not an issue. I'm not complicating it with all the 'would it be ok if did was a boy' stuff. All I'm doing is trying to help a chronically ill child through a really tough time with what little resources we currently have as medications are trial and error at the moment

OP posts:

Ausernotanumber · 06/10/2016 20:13

Did you tell the gp that was what she was saying?

TeacherBob · 06/10/2016 20:13

hedgehog it doesn't matter whether you didn't suggest it

The message here you are giving is..

DD> I am not beautiful without make-up
mum> ok wear make up

Not trying to be harsh, but your thoughts, whilst you feel you are doing the best, are just storing up even more problems

Baylisiana · 06/10/2016 20:14

I think you are wrong Teacher. I can imagine my mum would have supported me in a similar way and yet there would have been no doubt in my mind that she did not think I needed the make up to look nice. Also, for crying out loud, there are many healthy powerful rich adult females psyching themselves up to be make up free and fight the good fight. I agree no one should feel they have to wear it, but you want a vulnerable 14 year old to go out and push boundaries with this? And oh, the rules! The ruuuulllles! Who will think of the rules? Sometimes people need to realise their individual needs are not as important as adhering to a rule, and sometimes they need to realise the exact opposite.

Ausernotanumber · 06/10/2016 20:14

This reply has been deleted

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3awesomestars · 06/10/2016 20:15

YANBU My daughters school had a no make up policy, most of the girls wore make, let's just say they now all know how to create lovely natural make up - not an orange tram line to be seen amongst her peer group 😉
I just turned a blind eye, if she had been caught then she would have faced the consequences, but they never were, I'm sure the school knew but if it was kept natural then they turned a blind eye too.

In your daughters circumstances I would definitely let her create a natural look which will boost her self esteem.

Original poster

Hedgehog80 · 06/10/2016 20:16

Yes we told the GP what dd had said

But if really isn't about beauty or looking 'good' etc. It's about dd having self confidence and not looking in the mirror and seeing the side effects of exhaustion and side effects of steroids

OP posts:

BlueberrySky · 06/10/2016 20:17

YANBU

My DD's school has a no make up rule. She likes to wear a bit of concealer and a dust of foundation with a bit of mascara and lip balm. She is in year 10 and no teacher has every commented.

Let her do what makes her feel better. She is more important than pointless school rules. Either tell the school this is what she will be doing, or let her do it and then deal with the school if they do notice.

Original poster

Hedgehog80 · 06/10/2016 20:18

plus the message if you cry and threaten suicide you get what you want

Dd has been ill since birth and developed another condition aged 7 which we still haven't found a successful treatment for. Absolutely disgusting to suggest this is all just about getting her way. Couldn't be further from the truth

OP posts:

APlaceOnTheCouch · 06/10/2016 20:19

Hedgehog I think you did the right thing.
I completely disagree with the PPs saying that it's sending a message about needing to be beautiful or that she can break rules.
It's about pragmatically helping your DD to face the day and making one part of her life a tiny bit easier. I can't imagine why you wouldn't do that.
for you and your DD.

SparkleFlutterShy · 06/10/2016 20:20

Shouldn't your DD focus her energies on her studies instead of a bit of make up?

My DD is 9 months old, I sure hope the world is a different place for her in 14 years, where she doesn't feel pressured in to making her self look perfect for SCHOOL.

Boys don't have to deal with this.

SparkleFlutterShy · 06/10/2016 20:23

But if really isn't about beauty or looking 'good' etc. It's about dd having self confidence and not looking in the mirror and seeing the side effects of exhaustion and side effects of steroids

Apologies OP, should have rtft.

Original poster

Hedgehog80 · 06/10/2016 20:23

Dd works very, very hard. When she's bed bound and absent the school email her work home and she does it all. Despite low attendance she has not fallen behind yet hence why I'm trying to help her get j to school when she can and when she can't she works at home unless she's actually in so much pain she can't focus

OP posts:

Original poster

Hedgehog80 · 06/10/2016 20:25

sparklefluttershy no problem easily done, no offence taken

OP posts:

TeacherBob · 06/10/2016 20:25

oh well, ive said you are storing up more problems, and its true what I say about the effect what you are doing has.

I don't have anything to add, and I don't need to live with the consequences so I will leave this thread.

good luck with everything

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