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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell DD she can ignore the no makeup rule

208 replies

Hedgehog80 · 06/10/2016 16:30

Dd (14) goes to a school where they have a complete make up ban up till sixth form. She's never worn make up at school previously (except eyebrow pencil but it was cleared by the school due to a medical issue)

She recently has been on a medication that has affected her skin and subsequently her self esteem. Dd also has lifelong medical conditions that are very difficult for her and has now developed depression....she told me that up till now she could put on a happy smiley act at school but she can't anymore as she's too u happy and looks awful (she does look v unwell and has terrible dark circles under eyes)

She asked today could she wear make up for two reasons - to hide the circles and spots and to make her look a bit better and also because she knows if she wears it she won't cry as then it'll all run and smudge so she thought it would be help.

I told her yes to ignore the ban and keep it as natural as she possibly can. I think in the circumstances it's ok ?
I'm not sure dh will agree with me and no idea if the school will notice/what they may say but they've been fully supportive so far with any issues

OP posts:
Kennington · 06/10/2016 20:26

How about cream blush or benetint for blush?
Foundation is easy to get wrong, as is powder so a light concealer would be best.
I would speak to the school as a curtesy though.

WhyASpoon · 06/10/2016 20:28

Plus the message if you cry and threaten suicide you get what you want. Which is really concerning.

My god. I haven't seen a less compassionate and empathetic comment in a long time. The OP's poor dd sounds depressed and desperate for a little self-confidence. you are twisting it to make her scheming and manipulative.

OP, I was a teacher. I would have ignored the makeup your dd was wearing. There are bigger issues. Well done to her for her bravery and strength in making it into school - she is coping with more at such a young age than many of us ever will. Best of luck to her.

Original poster
Hedgehog80 · 06/10/2016 20:29

I have to say I don't wear make up myself (no time, sensitive skin and don't really feel the need) but I don't like the whole 'make up/wanting to look well/normal/better/beautiful even' is actually a bad thing

For some people yes it's about wanting to simply look good or attractive and fair play. For others it's a routine and they choose to wear it for work or going out and for some like dd it's for confidence or to hide something-spots, a scar etc and that's personal choice. Some people embrace their 'flaws' others don't want to

Dd just wants some control and one less reminder of how unwell she is. To me telling her she can't wear a tiny bit of make up would be like telling her she can't wear her coat if she's cold

OP posts:
Myredrose · 06/10/2016 20:30

Ausernotanumber what is really concerning is your dismissive and cruel attitude towards a child with an illness/disability. A particularly thoughtless comment given the open letter written in the media today about the teenage boy who killed himself.

Nermerner · 06/10/2016 20:31

Just make sure it's natural looking

Maybe take her to get her eyelashes dyed?

Ausernotanumber · 06/10/2016 20:31

It's not the same as wearing a coat if it's cold.

Ausernotanumber · 06/10/2016 20:33

You think so Myredrose?

As the parent of a child with a life limiting illness, I would disagree.

And as the parent of a child who has attempted suicide due to horrific bullying the like of which I hope you or yours never have to experience, respectfully, take your cheap jibe and shove it.

MrsJayy · 06/10/2016 20:33

I agree with you hedgehog make up is there if you want it or not some wear it some dont it should not be such a huge deal and so what if it makes a girl/woman feel better there is nothing wront with that

Original poster
Hedgehog80 · 06/10/2016 20:34

After resting this morning, taking painkillers and putting on minimal make up she was able to manage her pain and successfully get into school for two hours and not break down. Without it she would not have gone in as felt too low due to conditions and medication side effects affecting her appearance

OP posts:
Myredrose · 06/10/2016 20:34

If you bothered RTFT you would know that I am in a similar position, so you can stop playing top trumps because it's not about you offloading your issues on to someone else.

Go away and spread your venom elsewhere.

Myredrose · 06/10/2016 20:35

That's to you Ausernotanumber

Longlost10 · 06/10/2016 20:36

seeing the side effects of exhaustion see, this really is completely and entirely in her mind. As if 14 year olds are going to look at each other and say " o - I see the side effects of exhaustion there"

You are encouraging her to break rules and depend on (expensive) artificial products to mitigate a problem which is demonstrably imaginary.

Myredrose · 06/10/2016 20:36

Plus the message if you cry and threaten suicide you get what you want. Which is really concerning

One of the nastiest posts that I have ever seen and shows no understanding of mental health.

Ausernotanumber · 06/10/2016 20:39

Venom?

Oh grow up. You Took a cheap pot shot.

My DD has been subjected to bullying the like of which is rarely seen. The level of which is rarely seen. I can't even describe it it makes me feel sick to think of what she went through. She has made multiple suicide attempts and to be quite honest when a child gets to that stage as hedgehog80 has indicated is with her DD telling them to put make up on is really focusing on the wrong thing.

Original poster
Hedgehog80 · 06/10/2016 20:39

No it's not imaginary, she has huge dar, almost brown circles under her eyes and very puffy eyes. She has spots since starting steroids and no amount of reassurance will help her believe she doesn't look as bad a s she thinks
She looks unwell and exhausted. It's not what others think or may say it's what dd herself sees in the mirror as it reminds her yet again that she's ill and not like her friends. Her friends are lovely and would never say anything. Dd is not seeking anyone's approval over her looks she just wants to look 'well'

OP posts:
Ausernotanumber · 06/10/2016 20:39

Really myredrose? I have no understanding of mental health ? You're wrong.

IminaPickle · 06/10/2016 20:40

I'd hide this thread if I were you Hedgehog the unsupportive posters are upsetting me, so goodness knows how they're making you, who knows how DD feels, feel.
Utter arses- militant 'whatabout' and plain unkind.
Flowers

Myredrose · 06/10/2016 20:41

'grow up'? The intelligent comeback of those who have nothing to say.

Go away, it's not about you, you have no idea what it's like, stop de railing the thread and making it about you.
Most posters have been constructive and supportive. Take your nasty comments elsewhere.

Original poster
Hedgehog80 · 06/10/2016 20:43

Auser I want to reassure you that dd is not just being offered make up as a solution she sees the GP regularly, had a CAMHS referral and sees her school counsellor. She is also under the care of a multidisciplinary team for her medical conditions hence the trial and error currently of various drugs

Make up is just a solution today or any other day needed. It's short term much like grabbing a coffee when you haven't time to eat and need to keep going, you plan a healthy meal for 'later' wen you have the time and resources

Iam very very sorry for what your dcs have been through it sounds horrific. I do appreciate what you were trying to say and absolutely make up would not be the only or any solution it's is just a small strategy to help dd function

OP posts:
ICantFindAFreeNickName2 · 06/10/2016 20:44

Hedghog80 - I think some posters are giving you a very hard time on here. I hope to god they never have to go through what you and your daughter are going through.
I think you are doing the right thing and I'm sure your daughter will appreciate you being supportive.
If you can afford it, I would suggest a Bobbi Brown Teen Make Up Lesson (free if you buy a product). Just explain that she needs a no make-up look, and she needs to look really natural. I would also suggest brown/black eyelash dye and the eyebrow growth serum.
I would be tempted to talk to someone in pastoral care at school, I'm sure they will be very supportive of anything that helps your daughter get into school.

Original poster
Hedgehog80 · 06/10/2016 20:45

And Thankyou to all those who have offered advice and kindness

OP posts:
gribak · 06/10/2016 20:47

Our secondary school allows natural make up - if over the top the girls get sent home!

Ausernotanumber · 06/10/2016 20:49

Hedgehog I am very glad she is getting support. Can you maybe look at upping that for her? Because really, that's the bigger issue.

Myredrose you have no idea. you threw a cheap jibe.

Myredrose · 06/10/2016 20:50

No Ausernotanumber, you really have no idea. I am not the only poster who objected to your spectacularly nasty comments.

Ausernotanumber · 06/10/2016 20:51

Oh for goodness sake.

Giving in to suicide threats is never ever a good idea.
And I say that as someone whose child has tried it many times.