To tell DD she can ignore the no makeup rule

[Hedgehog80]

Dd (14) goes to a school where they have a complete make up ban up till sixth form. She's never worn make up at school previously (except eyebrow pencil but it was cleared by the school due to a medical issue)

She recently has been on a medication that has affected her skin and subsequently her self esteem. Dd also has lifelong medical conditions that are very difficult for her and has now developed depression....she told me that up till now she could put on a happy smiley act at school but she can't anymore as she's too u happy and looks awful (she does look v unwell and has terrible dark circles under eyes)

She asked today could she wear make up for two reasons - to hide the circles and spots and to make her look a bit better and also because she knows if she wears it she won't cry as then it'll all run and smudge so she thought it would be help.

I told her yes to ignore the ban and keep it as natural as she possibly can. I think in the circumstances it's ok ?
I'm not sure dh will agree with me and no idea if the school will notice/what they may say but they've been fully supportive so far with any issues

At my school NO make up at all was the rule and none was tolerated whatsoever, which was hell for spotty teenage girls! None of this its just to stop girls wearing colours on their eyes and lips that people are saying if any could be seen on your face you were made to wash your face in view of a teacher. Maybe many years ago it was more tolerated perhaps but not semi recently when I went to school ( I'm late 20's) I found in particular female teachers would go out of their way to have a good look at your face to see if they could spot any,I remember my good friend was naturally dark haired and fair skinned with long dark lashes and dark eyebrows and once she started having her eyebrows threaded and shaped she was forever getting accused of wearing makeup and having to wash her face to prove she wasn't!

It's.Not.About.You

If you have nothing supportive to say, then bog off.
Lots of us understand.

I had a kidney failing when i was a teenager i wore make up to cover the grey/yellow colour i was the circles were down my face i looked ill i didnt want to look ill i put make up on so i looked better didnt mean i was better just helped me slightly. I think dismissing Hedgehogs daughters feelings is dissmisive and patronising she is 14 years old ill feels likecrap maybe has grey skin but yeah she is buying into the beauty is on the outside lets tell her she is being silly and vain cos that is going to be a great help.
I hope some of the posters responding harshly never have daughters who want to wear make up because they have acne or just feeling like it because saying no to a girl with self esteem issues will only make her esteem plummet further.

And I would love to see anyone 'up' support from CAMHS, it's impossible.

Indeed MrsJayy my dd draws eyebrows on as she has none, I would hope that the school that Hedgehogs dd is at would be as understanding.

I absolutely was not giving in to suicide threats

Dd didn't say "let me wear make up or I'll kill myself" it was an entirely different conversation.

OP, I understand the 'quick fix' but I would be cautious that the need to wear make up to feel better doesn't develop into a crutch then she wont be able to go out anywhere without it. You'll still have the same problem.

If her skin is so poor perhaps focus on good skincare routine, drinking enough water, taking time out to for self care essentially.

a tinted or gentle self tan moisturiser might do the trick and work better than using make up and getting into the habit of taking time out for herself can be very positive.

Oh Hedgehog... have a hug. You know, if you want. I do not condone forcing hugs onto people.

It probably would have been better to say to your DD you needed to check with school first, you'd give them a ring today & a decision could be made for tomorrow - reminding her how supportive they'd been previously to assuage any anxieties she might have about them saying no. If they DO say no, would your GP be willing to write a note explaining why it's important she be allowed to wear cover-up?

However, it's not the actual end of the world that you didn't. You didn't let her go in with it trowelled on & in her own clothes (assuming school has a uniform) for good measure. You had to make a decision v quickly & you made one that let your DD face school feeling just a fraction more confident.

You've had some fab advice on cover-up here (so much so that I might even investigate myself - with winter coming steroid!skin is on the horizon once more...) so perhaps (if you can afford it) you can take some time with her to shop for some new make-up & then practice using it so it looks as subtle as possible but she gets the cover-up she wants.

I didn't have a diagnosis for my "main" disability when I was at school. In fact, I still struggle slightly with the idea constant pain isn't normal. I no longer constantly feel sick, but the idea most people's bodies Just Do That is still a bit weird. (I just thought I was being really nesh & needed to woman up so I never complained. I would just bang dislocated joints back into place & carry on. Fail self, so much fail...) However, I remember only too well the feeling my body was outside my control. To be honest, it still feels that way.

Part of the reason I self-harmed as a teenager was to gain a sense of control over my body - and one facet of my anorexia is that same search for SOMETHING I can control about my body. I don't think anyone could disagree that in comparison make-up in contravention of school rules is a fantastic option. It's really hard to convey that feeling of utter desperation & of being imprisoned in a faulty physical form.

Mostly I startle medics bent on holding a pity party for me with my Positive Attitude. Because it pretty much is Be Positive Or Die. But every now & then it does all get a bit much & I will have a bit of a woesplurgle about It's Not Fair and I Am Scared (etcetcblah) - OP's DD will need to do the same from time to time. I'd be much more worried if she was going full Cousin Helen 24/7/365.

Not that you're obliged to say, clearly, OP, but is your daughter eligible for surgical intervention for her scoliosis? Mine is v mild (just in an awkward spot so accelerating damage) but one of my Guides had the surgery a few years ago & it's made a huge difference for her.

I would completely ignore this...but I have no respect at all for people who make and enforce pointless rules on to kids at school.

At my school (all girls) we had a make up ban because wearing make up apparently made us more concerned with how we looked than our school work. But to a self conscious 14 year old girl, without make up to hide behind, all that concerned me was how I looked.

My mum allowed foundation, concealer, mascara and blush. If a teacher challenged me, I told them to call my parents- which they did.

I would do the same for my DD.

So sorry to hear about the tough time your DD is having.

Personally I think the total make-up ban is a bit nuts. My school had just said that make-up should be minimal and unobtrusive which dealt with the panda-eyed oompa loompas and the 'unobtrusive' also covered the applying lipgloss in the middle of class situations. There were also plenty of the boys who wore concealer and that was back in the 1980's (state grammar school).

Given that they do have the rule, you have a bit of a quandary on the 'asking permission' front - is there a teacher that you could speak to who would be understanding? You're in a very tough position if you explain, ask and they still say no.

It's completely understandable that teenagers with skin problems will want to cover them up the best they can. Who cares if it's a crutch or if managing self esteem would be better. CAMHS is this country is woeful, ridiculously underfunded and nigh on impossible to get an appointment. If a bit of concealer and mascara gives someone the courage to face the world then that can only be a positive thing.

Personally I don't care if wearing make-up is seen as conforming to some kind of stereotype or being influenced by marketing. It's makes a lot of people feel better about themselves and more confident and that can only be a good thing. I have a 7 year-old DD who loves playing with my make-up - she watches You-Tube videos and copies them... sometimes it's princess style, sometimes it's vampires or alien monsters, either way it's great for fine motor skills and at least I know she won't be walking around at 16 with an orange tidemark and wonky eyeliner nor will she be like my sister who doesn't wear make-up at all because she's so terrified of how to apply it.

I'd second the idea of a make-up lesson and some decent products. In terms of concealer, Max Factor's Panstik gives amazing coverage and is very long lasting plus comes in lots of shades for people with pale skin. Max Factor and Boots No. 7 also have very natural looking and long lasting foundations.

For powder, Cornsilk, MF and Boots all do a translucent powder that doesn't make you orange. None of these brands break the bank and they are much better in terms of performance than most of the teen brands.

I hope the school is either supportive or at least turns a blind eye and that your DD feels better soon.

Dd is generally very good with her diet, she spends a lot of time each weekend choosing and helping to prepare meals with dh (she decided to become vegetarian a few months ago and dh has encouraged her to try more nutritional things than the pasta and fruit she had as a go to meal every day),her skincare routine is simple but as she has sensitive skin we can't really do much more

It seems to be since starting steroids that her skin has deteriorated she had a review in November and her medications will be reviewed and changed or added to. I think the steroids have really affected her complexion

Oh ffs twat rtft OPs DD's skin is the way it is because of steroids not junk food.
This thread is a good twat gauge.
Some people don't rtft
Some have an agenda
Some derail

It was recommended about 2 years ago that dd had a rigid back brace for two years to wear 23 hours a day

We fought for a referral to get a second opinion and if a brace still needed that it was a soft (spinecor) one. Luckily the consultant said we could avoid it and that it would be better as dds other conditions (EDS, pectus excavatum and pots would not be helped by a rigid brace or in fact any brace) with Pilates and the fact she hasn't grown in a year the scoliosis although noticeable has remained static. Dd chooses clothes carefully so as not to emphasise her back and chest and also neck and shoulder as is very assymetrical

Surgery was offered for her chest but dd made the decision herself to not have it, it affects her moderately with reduced lung capacity and is very obvious but she said she can hide it with clothing and would rather do that than have major surgery (which is contraindicated anyway due to EDS)

Our school allows subtle make up if it's trying to conceal dodgy skin. Maybe email the form tutor and Head of Year to explain.

We have a meeting as well next week to discuss everything at school and so far I've been very impressed with how they e dealt with everything else dd has struggled with so fingers crossed

Plus the message if you cry and threaten suicide you get what you want. Which is really concerning
What an absolutely disgusting and uncaring attitude you have got, I am glad that the OP isn't like you as then her DD would be suffering even more than she is now.

xpost

Baylisiana has the right of it. I'm surprised people can't see it.

I think that concealer or tinted moisturiser is fine for students who have skin issues. I wore it to school myself when I had bad skin as a teenager. My mother sent me to a deportment and grooming course (do they even still have those?) and I was taught how to properly select makeup colours and make it appear natural. By contrast, another student with really bad skin issues got stopped every morning and made to remove hers, as she wore the wrong colour, and you could see the visible line around her chin as she didn't blend it in correctly. No one ever questioned me.

I'd probably draw the line at blush and eyeliner though. I think the OP needs to be careful that her daughter can see the line between something like concealer to cover up and "needing" a full face of makeup to be able to leave the house.

Def no eyeliner or mascara that would be too much

The blusher was a very pale natural matte pink. Without it dd looked more 'blank' and it was more obvious she had done 'something' to her skin the hint of blusher just took away the paleness and greyness and blank look of her complexion

What about a bb or cc moisturiser.
Your poor dd
Sometimes bending the rules is ok

The tinted moisturiser she used was some kind of bb type one think it was a maybelline spot control one ?

IminaPickle I have read the fucking thread I also noticed the DD is 14 and it could be puberty or a coincidence re the spots and steroids. but I didn't mention that because I thought it was obvious and ruled out.

Not once did I mention junk food ffs. You can eat the healthiest diet and still have issues. I'm anemic, eat very well and its so fucking noticeable if i don't keep an eye on my diet and make sure I'm inc enough iron. One of the joys of having heavy periods from the age of 13.

Anyway I was actually thinking long term prescription meds can have damaging effects on the body esp steroids (something I've had to take long term myself because I had to take oral steroids as a teen for a chronic health issue ) and one particular issue I had was dehydration because of the way the meds worked on my body - basically they can make you urinate more and its easy to not drink enough especially if your mental health is not 100%. The knock on effects are dry, poor skin, poor brain function, tiredness and can impact on your overall mental health with the low level dehydration.

Eating right - Mental health can be made worse with vitamin deficiencies. Op said her DD is vegetarian. There is a possibility the DD isn't get a full scope of vits - again something I am very much aware of through a vegan friend who needs to supplement even when she was veggie - and some vitamin deficiencies can exacerbate mental health issues. A lot of new vegetarians can have a more restricted diet whilst they learn what is 'safe' and what isn't.

suggesting diet and hydration is looked at in no way implied the DD is eating shite or the OP was feeding her crap.

When I was at secondary school I had acne, and then went on roaccutane so my skin was pretty awful for a good 2-3 years. I was a bit terrified of foundation type make up so never wore any but in hindsight I wish I had. I remember my DM and DSis chasing me around the house with liquid foundation before photo day as I didn't want it on, and feeling sad that they thought I needed it (I think I relented at concealer!) but, like I said, I wish I had discovered make up by then as I think it would have really helped me be more confident. And similar to your dd with crying, when I wear concealer and foundation now as an adult, it makes it far less likely that I'll pick at my face as it would mess up my make up job.

It was my DM who pushed for the roaccutane, I didn't seem to see my spots as such a big deal. I'd tried various other medicines which hadn't helped and it was my DM who kept taking me to Drs and dermatologists to get it sorted.

As a grown adult I'm quite angry that schools do outright bans on make up, the only girls who wore it at my school were the confident types who were brave enough to flout the rules but little old me would sit there silently in lessons too afraid to say anything, perhaps if it hadn't have been banned I'd have been more open to trying it. And while having confidence and self esteem regardless of appearance is a wonderful thing, often it can do with a helping hand, especially in specific circumstances.

As an adult I generally don't go out without make up, for some women it doesn't make much difference to their appearance but it does for me and I feel much better when I have it on. I see no problem with your dd being an exception to the rule, she needs all the support in the world and as long as her mental and physical needs are being catered for as well, I don't see why she can't wear some foundation if it gets her to school, it's hardly a simple case of a rude and spoilt school girl.

And as for 'sending her the message she needs it' what nonsense. She's not stupid, she knows how she looks and she knows how she feels, op could tell her that she's the most beautiful girl in the world but if she doesn't feel it then she won't believe her, she'd simply discount the op's advice. She needs support, not to be told she's wrong.