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Original poster

To feel a bit humiliated by his reaction

195 replies

gembran · 06/10/2016 00:20

At work today was sitting with a group of people I normally sit with, 5 work friends I guess you could call them - been in the job just over a month and we all started together. All seem really nice. It's a grad scheme so almost has a university freshers feel to it, we're all young and have fun together in our free time.

I was idly chatting about wanting to use my languages more in the workplace. One guy in the group also speaks the same foreign language as I do, both as a second language. I asked him if he got much of a chance to practise and must have looked keen ("I'm loooking for someone to practise with" hint hint) as two of my friends burst out laughing (nicely) and slightly took the mickey, insinuating that I wanted him to do it. Was good-natured though!

He kind of stammered and then said something about how his girlfriend had just started to learn a new language, obviously just trying to shoehorn her name into conversation and make it clear he wasn't available! Feel mortified as I definitely don't fancy him and don't find him attractive in that way at all - was just being friendly and chatty. He then returned to being bantery and friendly Confused

OP posts:
gribak · 07/10/2016 18:15

You did just fine - many men overreact and imagine women are coming on to them when women are simply making conversation!!! I am a smiley person, so smile at people in greeting, annoyingly sometimes men also think I must fancy them simply for smiling!! I liked the comment that someone else made about being upfront and jokingly saying you just wanted to chat in a different language not shag him... If this happens now you know what to do - watch him blush then!!

TheVirginQueen · 07/10/2016 18:31

I'd never mention it again. It was their over reaction.

I instantly switch in to my second language given half a chance so I wouldn't over think it like this.

LuluJakey1 · 07/10/2016 18:39

Forget it.

Serialweightwatcher · 07/10/2016 18:44

He was probably just trying to let you down gently, had you fancied him - it was possible though, so he was being kind in a way - don't get yourself flappy over it

TheVirginQueen · 07/10/2016 18:47

He is the one who ought to be embarrassed ! He clumsily ''let you down gently'' when all you'd done was talk about a shared language, scarlet for him.

Mazzystarlett · 07/10/2016 18:48

I vividly remember something similar (but a bit harsher) happening to me at work years ago. I was just being friendly when the guy said "Sorry, but you're not my type", smirked and walked off. He then went and told everyone in the staff room that I fancied him and one of them even took me aside and suggested I "looked elsewhere". I was mortified because all I was doing was talking to him! Older me would've raised an eyebrow and told him to get over himself, younger me sadly wasn't so brave and just wanted to curl up in a ball and cry :(

Still makes me cringe to this day...Prick.

AbernathysFringe · 07/10/2016 18:49

The G-bomb! It's so annoying when you're just being friendly to a guy and they think you're 'after' them in some way and so unnecessarily drop it in! I haven't discovered the way to prevent this myself but I feel your irritation! I almost want to just parrot it back to them in a fake amazed way just to make them awkward - 'wow! you have a GIRLFRIEND? I'm amazed'.
I do just tend to call people out on things and say how I feel though, so I'd probably laugh and say 'thanks for sharing! I wasn't hitting on you, just wanted to practice languages! Men and women CAN be friends you know!' but realise that's not what many people would do!!

BillSykesDog · 07/10/2016 18:50

This is one of the nice things about getting old. If this happened to you in your 30s you'd just shrug and get on with it.

AbernathysFringe · 07/10/2016 18:52

philipp it's the shoehorning in, as the OP said. Not making it a big deal, just mentioning it out of context when nobody needed to know about his girlfriend with the obvious clumsy intention of warding the OP off.

buttercup54321 · 07/10/2016 19:37

you are overthinking and he is over reacting.just forget about it,

ProphetOfDoom · 07/10/2016 20:22

Don't worry OP, he handled that awkwardly and with distance you'll be able to laugh it off. It's the injustice of the assumption that burns I think.

I had something similar but potentially ruder at work from a newish colleague. I'd characterise him as a combination of a self publicising eager beaver, arrogance & occasionally socially crass. For context I'm experienced in my field and the only single parent with young children who obviously needs to snare a man Wink

He told me, in a group situation, he thought he should let me know he wasn't available & held up his hand with wedding ring for good measure. I said 'Sorry, what did you just say?' as I was so taken aback and let him awkwardly repeat it, conscious too we had an amused/aghast audience of my colleagues. I gave him a considering up & down look and just said, 'oh, I think you're quite safe from me' which I think was quite kind of me in the circumstances.

Batteriesallgone · 07/10/2016 20:29

Everyone saying it's ridiculous of a colleague to think you fancy them - the vast majority of couples in a LTR met in the workplace. It's not a totally out there assumption.

Gabilan · 07/10/2016 20:40

He is witty and normally very confident

Well for many women, that would make him quite attractive. And as annoying as it is when someone (somewhat arrogantly) flags up that they have a boy/girlfriend when you're not even mildly interested, it's incredibly bloody annoying when you do fancy them and can't find out one way or another. So I can see how and why someone, wondering if you do or don't fancy them, might just think that shoehorning a boy/girlfriend into the conversation is sort of helpful.

Think how often people mumble around saying "ooo, I don't know, do you think s/he likes me? I mean s/he said hello the other day and they smiled and I'm kind of hoping..." The flipside is that sometimes someone misjudges a situation and mentions a partner when they don't need to.

Not talking about the pointing at a wedding ring people. That's just crass.

BlancheBlue · 07/10/2016 20:48

What jobs involve sitting around bantering and "idly chatting"?

Gabilan · 07/10/2016 20:58

Ones where you have a lunch break, Blanche.

Radicalrooster · 07/10/2016 21:58

OP sounds conceited, and appears to have misconstrued someone else's social awkwardness as an entirely imagined form of amorous intent.

Get over yourself

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 07/10/2016 22:05

You're not going to get a fair hearing on this thread OP. I get where you were coming from. I would say let it die a death but it seems that some posters think it's juicy and an opportunity to take you down a peg for no reason so they'll keep having a pop.

For what it's worth, I think he was taken aback and he overreacted - and it's made you feel awkward and self-conscious. Forget it and don't bother with him. I'm sure there will be other people in the same boat to practise your language skills on.

pollymere · 07/10/2016 23:26

Sounds like he was a little worried you were asking him out and he felt embarrassed as he has a girlfriend. He's probably embarrassed that he ran off at the mouth. Use it as a great basis for friendship. It maybe also that he'd like to but his girlfriend probably wouldn't!

phillipp · 08/10/2016 05:34

Not making it a big deal, just mentioning it out of context when nobody needed to know about his girlfriend with the obvious clumsy intention of warding the OP off.

But it was in context. He said that he is practising the language with his girlfriend. The op was asking about practising the language. That's not show horsing anything.

This thread comes down to the Op being horrified this man who is (in her opinion) less attractive than her made clear he has a girlfriend. After two made jokes about her flirting. That's it.

The fact that she think she was doing him a 'kindness' by asking him a favour says it all really.

Ghanagirl · 08/10/2016 08:20

Radicalrooster
OP has said she's 22 and never had a boyfriend, so why the mean spirited replies?

DetailedConfusion · 08/10/2016 08:32

He clumsily ''let you down gently''

Oh God, this has happened to me and it's mortifying, more so when they've got the wrong end of the stick and you don't even need letting down gently!

When it happened to me I was so flustered I felt the need to drop the H bomb into the conversation immediately afterwards (husband) and clearly fiddle with my wedding ring and mention the dc. Which resulted in him going from looking a bit embarrassed to a bit pitying for me Angry Blush

It is embarrassing op but just try and move on and not think about it. It's happened to plenty of us.

Original poster
gembran · 08/10/2016 11:59

His girlfriend wasn't learning the same language though!

This is how the conversation went (we both studied same language at university):

Me: really want to start practising my Italian, I overheard one of the (50 year old, male, prob married aka not a come-on) office staff speaks it (he's a native speaker) and it made me Italy so much! Do you get much of a chance to speak it james?

James: no not really since graduating actually

Me (can see how this was misinterpreted): oh ok, are you looking for anyone to speak it with? (I meant native speakers but can see how it could have come across that I meant myself...)

colleagues start laughing and saying "cos I am" about me

James: Ah well I'm not sure actually, my girlfriend has started learning Spanish now and I just don't see the point when I speak Italian etc etc

Me: aw that's nice I actually meant native speakers blah blah

OP posts:
Marynary · 08/10/2016 12:08

I still don't see why you felt humiliated OP. If anyone embarrassed themselves it was him really. Either way, it isn't a big deal.

Original poster
gembran · 08/10/2016 12:17

I think it was paranoia on my part that he felt he had to warn me off when I was literally just being friendly and wasn't even asking him to be my bloody language partner (even though can see how it seemed like that)...

Even if he did have a gf, why assume so readily I am coming onto him??

OP posts:
PoppyBirdOnAWire · 08/10/2016 12:41

I think your problem on this thread, OP, is the manner in which you have presented yourself.

You have suggested he is not as attractive - in your opinion - as you are yourself. It's almost as if you assumed he would be flattered by the interest someone like yourself - attractive, in your own opinion - would show in him. You also feel rebuffed - by someone who is not as amazing as you imagine you are. There is a little of the "How dare he?" about your reaction.

Consider this: maybe he thinks he is attractive too and does not think you are. Attraction is based on so many things but confidence and a sense of humour are pretty high on most people's lists.

You sound pretty immature.