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AIBU?

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Original poster

To feel a bit humiliated by his reaction

195 replies

gembran · 06/10/2016 00:20

At work today was sitting with a group of people I normally sit with, 5 work friends I guess you could call them - been in the job just over a month and we all started together. All seem really nice. It's a grad scheme so almost has a university freshers feel to it, we're all young and have fun together in our free time.

I was idly chatting about wanting to use my languages more in the workplace. One guy in the group also speaks the same foreign language as I do, both as a second language. I asked him if he got much of a chance to practise and must have looked keen ("I'm loooking for someone to practise with" hint hint) as two of my friends burst out laughing (nicely) and slightly took the mickey, insinuating that I wanted him to do it. Was good-natured though!

He kind of stammered and then said something about how his girlfriend had just started to learn a new language, obviously just trying to shoehorn her name into conversation and make it clear he wasn't available! Feel mortified as I definitely don't fancy him and don't find him attractive in that way at all - was just being friendly and chatty. He then returned to being bantery and friendly Confused

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 06/10/2016 03:32

gembran you seem to be missing the obvious:
he is not that confident in his language skills,
he is incredibly busy and only just holding his head above water at work, he has a lot of very busy and important stuff going on at home
his girlfriend is very, very jealous and he doesn't want to piss her off
he is desperate to get out of work each day to continue his secret life as a super hero ... take your pick and move on.

Re "I guess what I'm trying to say is why did he seem so hideously put-off at the thought of us having a bloody chat when I'm not that terrible-looking anyway?" I am really not sure what looks has to do with having a chat with anyone. But it may be that if you are very good looking he finds you intimidating.

I'd say "He then returned to being bantery and friendly." means he just wanted to get on with the nice jovial group thing because he does not want to single any one person out for language practice alone. For any of the reasons above. I'd forget it. And enjoy your new job. Thanks

Italiangreyhound · 06/10/2016 03:36

Broken1Girl "I don't get why some people don't believe men and women can have platonic friendships. It's quite immature and pathetic really."

I am not sure where you read into this that anyone said they could not have a platonic friendship. This guy doesn't want to do one to one language practice with a colleague. The wheeling out of the girlfriend may just as well have been to say he was busy rather than to warn her off. If someone at work wanted to meet one to one I would probably say, I've got to get home to the kids, it wouldn't mean 'I can't be platonic friends with you' it would just mean, I've got to get home to the kids.

Broken1Girl · 06/10/2016 03:57

Italian I was basically agreeing with dovesong that some men think any woman who is vaguely friendly wants to date them.
You're reading a lot into this I think Smile he's a young graduate, I doubt he has any other responsibilities, he might of course. From the OP it sounds like he was all flustered. If there are practical reasons he can't or doesnt want to find time to practice all he had to say was 'Oh no, I don't get time to practice lately, too busy with xyz'. I doubt you'd be stammering when you say 'No thanks, I have to get home to my kids' etc.
Also if the gf is so jealous that he's scared to talk to a young woman at work, she's being abusive.

Batteriesallgone · 06/10/2016 04:20

So the group is all nudge nudge wink wink and he mentions a girlfriend so everyone knows he's unavailable. Sounds like standard getting to know you stuff to me.

In any group of young graduates there's going to be some shagging. He's just signalling to the group to count him out. Don't be so sensitive.

SlottedSpoon · 06/10/2016 05:12

I think you are over analysing the whole thing. And God forbid he should think you might have been interested in him when he's not in your league. Best you get in straight away and clear that one right up by finding some way of announcing to the lunch table today that in the nicest possible way, you wouldn't touch him with a bargepole. Hmm

booklooker · 06/10/2016 05:58

I think the bloke is getting a bit of a hard time from some posters.

It was the two other friends that burst out laughing and quite probably embarrassed him.

I think it is they that caused an awkward situation.

phillipp · 06/10/2016 06:02

Good god, there was a joke that made him feel a bit embarrassed and awkward and he mentioned he had a girlfriend.

Now the op is humiliated because she thinks she is out of his league.

And he is the one getting the bashing.

It's all very childish and I think it says more about the OP than him.

PoldarksBreeches · 06/10/2016 06:06

I imagine the poor guy felt self conscious in the situation and shoved the girlfriend into the conversation as a shield. I have always found it excruciating if I think that people know I fancy someone so I will do and say things to put them off the scent. Maybe he was just embarrassed to think that the other friends were suggesting he fancied you or maybe he actually does fancy you and was embarrassed about that.
Anyway, chill out.

bloodymaria · 06/10/2016 06:15

You put him on the spot, he didn't want to practise with you and now you're feeling rejected. It is time to let it go!

flumpybear · 06/10/2016 06:24

Ok you sound pretty young from what you've said about university/graduate jobs. Essentially as you grow up you'll learn to deal
With these types of stupid comment, without wanting to sound like you're a child still. I was very much like you too, but I'm in my 40's now and I'd blow it off immediately and would probably have said something like quippy in response, and probably told the others to get a grip too - playground behaviour although you'll find playground behaviours all your business life, from very senior people too lol!! Forget it and move on

Blackcat321 · 06/10/2016 06:53

He bruised your ego and that's why you are "mortified". I agree, whether you were actually on offer to him or not, you were turned down by someone you wouldn't expect to be turned down by. Of course it doesn't help that you never actively made advances on your own behalf anyway, it was a "good natured" group thing, but even so, you expected him to be flattered.

I don't think you need take it personally. You may well be all the things you say you are, but hes not interested anyway. Hes not looking, and you could well be his "type" for friendship, but not his "type" for relationships

BoneyBackJefferson · 06/10/2016 07:14

Thread title from girlfriend

*My BF meets up with an attractive woman from work to practice "languages" should I be worried"

I'm fairly sure that we know what the responses would be (including the many double entendre)

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 06/10/2016 07:20

This is going to make me sound like an arrogant bitch but he isn't very attractive, I'm objectively fairly attractive (i think) blush Not that it matters

Your right it does, and no it doesn't matter.

BalloonSlayer · 06/10/2016 07:24

To me it sounded like

  • you offered to do some language practice. Two onlookers heard "I'd like someone to practise with" and went into Carry-on mode and screeched at the double entendre.
  • he cringed thinking that maybe it could be seen as a line, so blurted out the clumsy "I've got a girlfriend!" line, which underlines the mistaken premise that you are after him
  • you get left feeling like a twat

What can you do?

You could email him or speak to him to say "by the way I didn't intend anything funny by my offer to practice x language, I am quite aware you have a girlfriend and my offer was only about talking x. I am cross at A and B for screeching like that as I think they embarrassed you."

But that would probably make things worse so it's best to say nothing. Cringe for you though.

SlottedSpoon · 06/10/2016 07:26

I agree, it makes it seem as though the most important thing that matters in all this is not his embarrassment, or anyone getting the wrong end of the stick about what she meant, or that the girls doing the giggling and nudge nudging were being immature, but that people might actually think the OP was flirting with someone ugly.

jessica29054 · 06/10/2016 07:29

I still remember when I had to learn a dance as part of a team building thing and was trying to explain it to someone and 'air demonstrated' - didn't actually put my hands on their shoulders but mimed it.

He laughed and said 'Er, no. I stay HERE. You stay THERE' pointing at a seat on the other side of the table.

Christ it made me feel ugly Sad

lasttimeround · 06/10/2016 07:52

I really don't see your issue. He just made clear in a new group that he's not available but he's behaving with you as before not avoiding you. And you aren't interested in him. So...

littleprincesssara · 06/10/2016 08:01

Ugh, I hate guys who constantly play the girlfriendgirlfriendgifriend card the second you meet them. Such a cliche! And it is based on arrogance.

Lapinlapin · 06/10/2016 08:05

Do you think maybe he's just not that confident in his second language? Or maybe that he doesn't like speaking it to non-natives? I know quite a few people like this.

EastMidsMummy · 06/10/2016 08:06

You sound very young and over sensitive, OP. Mentioning a girlfriend really doesn't have to mean "I think you want to shag me so I am warning you off."

ElsaAintAsColdAsMe · 06/10/2016 08:10

I don't think it's the bloke being arrogant.

It did sound like the op was hinting, the people giggling made it sound like the op had an ulterior motive for asking and he merely stated he had a girlfriend then carried in as normal.

The op thinks he is ugly and should have been flattered at the thought of her flirting with him, but he wasn't flattered at all, ops ego took a bashing and now she's having a vent.

It's over and done with now op, no big deal, everyone knows where they stand so just carry on enjoying work and chatting with your colleagues.

BonusNewt · 06/10/2016 08:29

This has happened to me a lot.. One time on a training course this guy actually drew me aside at a party to explain seriously and earnestly that he was very sorry but he didn't fancy me and in fact had started something with my best friend and they were both awfully sorry if I was hurt. I didn't even like him let alone fancy him! And to make matters worse he had dragged me away from chatting to the guy I DID fancy, a lovely blond surfer type who was his complete opposite (who I never got together with!).

RhiWrites · 06/10/2016 08:38

I think Balloon has it and the girlfriend comment was aimed at the giggling colleagues more than you.

GingerbreadLatteToGo · 06/10/2016 08:42

You're embarrassed because someone you perceive to be less attractive than you turned you down. You need to get over yourself PDQ. Banging on about being 'chatty & friendly to everyone in the office' & how attractive you are is so self absorbed, you need to be more self aware.

HellonHeels · 06/10/2016 09:01

Maybe he just didn't want to practice languages. With you or anyone else. I have a degree in a language and would feel very uncomfortable and stilted practising in that language with another person who had it as an additional language. I have some social anxiety though.