This is completely horrible

[whoisshe124]

NC'd obvs.

DDad died around 7 years ago. Strong character. Much missed. Died far too young (67). This is relevant.... He was self-made (think a lesser Alan Sugar, i.e. came from nothing, set up his own business, made it a success. Not gazillions, but business still strong and still going)

My mum has some wealth (because of dad's business. She's worked - she's been really successful - but not at the same level dad achieved.

I have young parents. Mum was around 65 when he died. They'd been together since she was 13. Very, very sad.

My DM is a bit amazing. (I would say that.... I love her to pieces!). She's a counsellor.

My mum befriends people. People love her. She's a friend (unofficial carer) to about a million people. There's someone she knows who is a social outcast to people who know him/his history. He's been through the courts twice, and has been shunned by people who know about it because of it. I'm not going to say what it was because it's outing, but it's sexual crimes against the vulnerable. My mum is his friend. After dad died, he's lived with her when he had no where else to go (for about a year and a half). She sees through the crimes that other people can't to the person beneath, and they get on really well and enjoy each other's company. He is a year older than me. and I fucking hate him. pervy, creepy fuck that he is, but not going to say this cos it derails my own thread and is outing to him. Not that he deserves any privacy!

Earlier this year their relationship moved on a level, and they're now a couple, although they keep this very quiet. I nearly started threads about it on here, because it is doing my head in, but I kind-of knew that MN would tell me it was none of my business, so I didn't. And my mum's older, but not old/old, and has the right to enjoy the rest of her life. it is very hard when she gets 'giddy' and excited though. BUT none of my business. I do get it's none of my business

I was talking to mum today about money, because we are skint. DH has recently taken early retirement, and I work almost full-time, and in a massively satisfying job, but one which doesn't pay well. We have (finally) achieved good work/life balance, but it's not enough to pay the bills, and we're worried about it. We are NOT on the breadline.... I work with people in poverty, and that's not us. We can't afford treats and holidays (boo-hoo us! I do appreciate people are in far worse situations). But DD's birthday is in November and Christmas is coming, and I honestly don't know how we're going to get through them (we will, but it will be hard. Not foodbank hard, but hard).

So far, so first world. I do get I'm being first-world!

I was talking to mum today, and I was telling her about this. My mum is wealthy (because of dad's business). So firstly, mum was offering to give me some of my inheritance early, and inherit less as a way to solve our immediate issues. I really don't want this (a) it breaks my heart to think of my mum dying and (b) at my age and stage, I think we should be dealing with this ourselves and finding our own solutions.

But, while we were talking about money, she had something to suggest to me. She said it came from the best place and out of kindness, but that she knew I wouldn't see it that way, but was going to tell me in any case.

When she dies (urrrrgh, urrrrgh, urrrgh. This breaks me!) me and my sister (who are NC) will inherit both a reasonable amount of money and property. And the business (which also comes with both). Her delightful BF has suggested that me and my (NC) sister will pay less inheritance tax if she gives some money to him which he has told her he will give to us.

I don't want to sound grabby. And I told mum it was her money, and she was welcome to give it all to the local cat's home if that was what she wanted.
But isn't this fucking cunt prick fleecing her? He's TOLD her he'll give it to us. But he's under no obligation to.

If he didn't, or if he put conditions on it, we'd have no chance to report him, because it's a tax dodge (and so illegal). It also means he'd stay in our lives, which I couldn't countenance (I fucking hate him,and would want nothing to do with him if mum wasn't around. I feel this is a way for him to stay in our lives)

This is very horrible and base. I'm ashamed about it, because I feel it's reducing my mum to what I'd potentially inherit from her, which is horrendous for me. I don't want to live in a world without her in it. With or without money.

But if this creep stays around, I promise I want nothing to do with him after mum dies. I don't want him to have a hold over me, potentially dishing out the occasional tenner if I'm nice to him.

How can I tell my mother I think he's a chancer who's fleecing her, when she's happy? And there's SO much back-story I'm not mentioning about my sister, who's made mum's life a misery.

This is just horrible!

Why did you Dh retire early if you don't have enough money to pay the bills ?

Ask her to think ,what would her husband say to her about this..about the wife he loved being taken advantage of..and his hard earned money being pissed up a wall....tbh.i bet this mans intentions are to cause a family rift where your mum is left totally alone except him...it makes me feel sick.everything you have said

What Collaborate said is correct. She needs to speak to someone about estate planning, preferably without him there. If she explains that she wants you and your DSis to inherit, then they can sort that out.

I would be taking the money in the meantime before he manipulates the situation even more. See it as for your children if it helps.

I hope he doesn't get his way. Even though your mum is amazing, it's hard not to be taken in by some people. Everyone deserves a second chance but I'd be seething if it was my mum in this situation, money aside.

I think a will, power of attourney and a family trust fund is the way to go like Gatehouse says.

Does this guy actually love your mum or is it the rich older widow scenario? I would be really concerned for her especially if he gets his rocks off being a sex offender.

Even if your mother does get a will drawn up with you and your sister as beneficiaries OP, there is nothing to say that the creep could get her to change her will at a later date, or marry her and inherit everything. Take the money now.

I think there are two completely separate issues here

1. Your mother, a kind ,well off woman, has a new partner will a serious criminal record. She needs legal and financial advice now

1. You and your DH are skint because he decided to retire early ( must be very early of his MIL is only 65) to " achieve a work life balance " . Well it's not a work life balance if you can't afford Christmas , birthdays and holidays . You need to increase your hours and he needs to get a job, so you are not looking to supplement your income by hand outs from your mother.

I think it's a bit unfair that he wants to retire at ? 50 and have his 65 yo MIL work to subsidise him .

As others have pointed out, she could live another 30 years so unless you is very wealthy , she can't afford to give money away now, she needs to plan for her retirement .

She also needs to make plans for her business for when she can't / doesn't want to run it herself and think about protecting staff jobs .

Using him as a middle man doesn't help the iht planning at all.it does no matter who the gift is to.inheritance tax planning is not a shady thingthing it is about making sensible use of reliefs and.exemptions allowed. , you need to speak to an advisor it is too complicated to explain in a post. U.i k66o6

I would gratefully accept any money your mum would like to give you now. She only has to live seven years and there will be no IHT to pay.

I would also advise she sees a financial advisor who is an expert in IHT. He will be able to advise her on schemes for saving IHT, and what she can do - and what she can't.

It sounds like a terrible idea to give this money to her partner - fraudulent, dishonest and he probably won't give it to you after she dies.

Could you sit down and talk it through with her? Does she know how much you hate him?

Same thing happened to me...be very very wary. My mum died very young and my dad married again, to someone the polar opposite of my mum, she is very manipulative.

Tragedy struck again and my dad died leaving me with my stepmother. I had always been told I would be 'looked after'. The will was read and me and my children were left £1000, my stepmother copped the lot. I tried to challenge the will on the basis my children were not provided for but the canny woman had thought of that and given them £1000 so that showed my dad had considered them. I don't even have my family photos any more. Take some money now, the very fact that your mum is even proposing this to you shows how far he has his grappling hooks in.

When money is involved, people become wicked. It has even tainted my memory of my dad as I think 'How could you do this to me?'.....I have to keep it all locked away in a box in my mind or it tortures me - it is not the money, it's the 'why?'.

I think that you need to set her straight about her bfriend & inheritance tax.

It's lovely that she wants to give you money now, but don't you feel that you should be supporting yourselves rather than taking money that she might need in the future?

And your own situation - why did your dh take early retirement if you can't afford holidays, birthday and Christmas? That sounds insane.

I also wouldn't be happy to be working FT if my h was sitting at home taking early retirement! He needs to come out of retirement and look for another job. What you describe is not a good work-life balance.

something not quite right here....as Poldarksbreeches said earlier. If your mother is a properly trained,professional counsellor she must be very very aware of boundaries. How on earth did they become so blurred as to befriend,take in, and form a relationship with this person?
Why does she feel the need to rescue people and be everybody's friend?
Is she working as a counsellor, in which case she will receive supervision?

Take what is being offered to you now. tell your mum that you are pleased that the money is going to be divided between you and your sister when she passes and therefore will trickle down to the next generation. suggest that she seeks proper legal advice about any other suggestion. if she wants to give her money to this man, then that is fine- her choice esp if you and sis are to inherit most of it, but you will assume that not a penny will come back. and if it is an illegal tax dodge, you do not want to receive it as it will incriminate you.

all I Can say is take the money now as it simple means that her fucker of a BF gets less

and I think you need to fight that battle with stealth, care and legal help

Yanbu, not at all

God, what a nightmare. Does she know how you feel about him? She must understand, as an empathetic person, that you have your reservations?

I'd be honest, and kindly say you don't completely trust him, and also that you don't want to dodge tax, as per pps suggestion.

I'd absolutely hate to be in your position, you have my sympathy

Tell your mother that you will pay the inheritance tax, because that is what is the right thing to do.. She doesn't have to involve her man friend in it at all?

OP I mean this very kindly, but you sound like a person who needs to assert herself a little bit.

Throughout your OP you are apologetic for your feelings on everything from your mother's revolting-sounding boyfriend to the financial pressure you are under thanks to your husband's early retirement.

With the best will in the world, I think it's time to get a bit selfish. Accept your mother's offer. It sounds to me as if she's well aware of her boyfriend's dodgy intentions, and wants to give you your inheritance without having to say no outright to his dodgy plans for her money. If she can say 'She needed the money now' she doesn't have to say, 'No, because I don't trust you.'

Take the money. And don't apologise for your feelings. It's absolutely fine to worry about money when your income has halved, and it' OK to disapprove of your mother shacking up with a registered sex offender.

The OPs mother is actually 72 now. But still young enough to need plenty of money for herself.

I agree with pp above: there are other much more secure ways of limiting inheritance tax, including giving now (if she will live for 7 years), setting up trusts for children, paying into children's bonds.
Put it to her in this way, explaining that anything she gives to this man will be his. Take what she's offering now to help you out and if you aren't comfortable about not being wholly independent keep it in an account for your children which you can access with a little notice to give back to her at any time if she needs it.

Does she know the extent of his offending OP?

haven't RTFT so apologies
she needs financial advice, tax planning

her estate will be taxed in its entirety less the tax free allowance. it doesn't matter how much you break it up, it doesn't make any difference !!

but yes he is fleecing her. and no YANBU.

The first thing I wanted to say is this: you are a really, really reasonable human being. Nothing you have written is remotely grabby, selfish, or horrible. You have your head screwed on, and you are approaching this with a balanced and caring view. Trust your instincts. You sound awesome.

Secondly, I understand what you mean about not wanting to confront your mother's mortality. I go to pieces every time death, funerals etc are mentioned. I don't know why, it just has the capacity to break me within seconds.

I think you are absolutely right to be extremely cautious of this man's offer. I think there is every chance he'll just grab the money and run. Also, you don't want any long term contact with him - and certainly not any dependency on his good will.

I think the whole idea of anticipating an inheritance is a very problematic one. Nowadays, the social care system has the capacity to eat through money. While your mother sounds sprightly now, there is a chance that by the time she is 80, she may have complex care needs. If she requires round-the-clock assistance, this may mean a nursing home, which can be eye-wateringly expensive (think thousands of pounds a month). You can eat through an inheritance quite quickly this way. There is a chance, therefore, that if one sibling has anticipated the inheritance, the other(s) may be left with absolutely nothing, which is unfair and creates all kinds of long term problems with those ongoing relationships. I therefore wouldn't do it unless all siblings get an equal share in the here and now, and even then you have to consider the potential impact on your mother's care needs.

I think you need to have a conversation - gentle, assertive, caring - with your mother in which you state that, while you support her right to love this man, you don't wish to have a longer term relationship with him outside of that, and you certainly don't want to be dependent on his good will. I think, given that there is a considerable sum involved, you could also add that you see paying some inheritance tax as a kind of social due that shouldn't be entirely bypassed, and that you'd be unwilling to get involved in anything that could be construed as avoidance as this could lead to problems later on (particularly in a climate where society is regarding this in an increasingly dim light). I appreciate that this will be a very difficult conversation that will test your tact and assertiveness to their very limits, but from your initial post, it sounds to me like you are a very good communicator and that you have the skills to try this.

I do wish you all the best, it sounds like an incredibly difficult situation to find yourself in.

oh and take every bit of money she is offering to you now. tax free.

I agree with saying something to her like notagiraffe suggests. I'd have to be honest and carefully out across what you can see happening. She may ignore you, be angry at you, but at least you've been honest with her, hopefully she listens. I'd have to say something if I thought my mum was being long con scammed almost.
I also wonder why your DH has taken early retirement but you'd can't afford the bills. That's not the wisest choice is it?

You and her NEED to get some proper advice from a solicitor.

It's normal for her to want to make sure her partner is financially safeguarded after her death, but it's possible to do that AND ensure the money ends up in your (and sisters and childrens') hands when he dies. She can make a will to leave her estate in trust for you, sister and children, but with her partner having a life interest which means he can live in the house, enjoy interest on savings etc., but the capital is never his and WILL pass down upon his eventual death. It's a pretty common planning strategy when a widow/er remarries or finds another partner.

Re Inheritance tax, lots of legitimate and safe ways to avoid it with long term planning. As others have said, just giving it to him won't achieve much, if any, any inheritance tax savings and is a MASSIVE risk.