AIBU To expect my wife to actively search for work now DC are at school ?

[Fortnum]

My wife hasn't worked full time in the 12 years of our marriage, I have always been the principle earner. Previously there were some part time supermarket hours despite a reasonably professional clerical career prior to marriage and moving to another area of the country. Now our DC are 7 &10 respectively I would expect her to at least search for some work within their school hours if possible , I have even offered to invest in a business start up for her.

I earn a good wage and we can afford to live reasonably well, but now with age 40 not far around the corner , I feel we should be working very hard to bring in whatever we can to plan for the future, its all very well us owning a nice home but with another income we could pay the mortgage down even quicker and it is always worth both partners having a decent pension arrangement.

She does not seem too bothered, she has applied for precisely two jobs in 4 months. I had a period of 6 months unemployed a few years ago, (with savings) and I spent 6-8 hours a day networking where possible and applying for jobs and canvassing potential employers.

So AIBU ?

Never marry anyone who wants to give up work or go part time and only marry someone on the basis you will both always work full time, both do as much as the other at home and both have equal lives and careers. It always pays off.

I do not agree a career of a man always comes first! I earned 10x my chidlren's father because I never gave up full time work. Women don't have to play second fiddle and be the pin money earners. Don't tolerate sexism at home even for one single day.

Garden why did you move for your other half's career? My children's father moved hundreds of miles to follow my career. Plenty of men do. Why did you tolerate it teh other way round? What made yo accept that? Did you have a sexist set up when growing up? Is your other half brighter than you are or a harder worker? Or is he just a sexist so and so and you kow towed to falling in line with this kind of sexist stuff of women moving for men's careers circa 1880?

After 12 years at home setting her own schedule it's going to be very difficult for her to work for somebody else & I even think she might not want to (if she had she would have applied for more jobs). I think the self-employment idea is worth a look though. Is there anything she enjoys enough to make a business of?

me

Why did your husband move for your career?

A couple of friends of mine had success in returning to the workplace after a break using a company called (not a great name, but bear with) Digital Mums. They provide training in social media marketing and PR, using a live company as a client. It's hard work over a period of - I think - about three months, but you have solid skills and experience at the end of it. Big confidence booster. Another friend has retrained as a school business administrator. Again, a combination of workplace training and theory, over the course of a year - so you work hard, and build up your knowledge and connections with the sector. And there are term-time contracts available in the primary school sector. If you're both turning into your forties, you still have 25 years ahead of you before pension age. So it's worth your wife taking a bit of time to retrain and find a long-term sustainable career rather than grabbing the first thing that comes up.

Apologies

Your childrens father

A senior clerical position with hours 930am to 2.30pm is rarer than rocking horse shit. If she does get one she will be working 25 hours a week with the associated pro rota pay and annual leave. I guess it depends where you are but a PA level job where I am will get £30k at a push and that's after years of working through administration ranks. Entry level, which she would be seen as after 12 years out, is around half that then you can half it again for pt plus take off child care for school holidays and if you dont have childcare kiss goodbye to family breaks because you won't have enough leave between you. Think carefully about what you wish for before you start insisting she goes down a route that isn't the best for ALL of you. Maybe if you look at it differently you will find you are not facilitating her lifestyle and find actually she is facilitating yours.

I know that when TA positions (school hours, part time, term time jobs) come up around here loads of people tend to apply for every position, over and over. They are tricky to get.

Never marry anyone who wants to give up work or go part time and only marry someone on the basis you will both always work full time, both do as much as the other at home and both have equal lives and careers. It always pays off.

Well - in our case, we'd have been a lot worse off financially and neither of us would have spent much time with our children. So can't see how that would have paid off for anyone in our family, quite frankly. People's situations are different and they make different life choices accordingly.

Where did OP go?

Just posted, waited to see it kick off and got the popcorn?

I would expect her to at least search for some work within their school hours if possible

Just think about this, OP? How many jobs do you see advertised - "Wanted. Person 9.30-2.30 with school holidays off." These jobs don't exist (even if you're a teacher you have to work much longer/harder than school hours).

Have you posted about this before? You're both women right?

What's that gotta do with it. It's not to do with gender.

Seems like one is taking advantage of the other anyway.

YAB very U

How much do you earn OP? You don't have to give the figure here but you describe yourself as a "good earner". If your wife worked in a supermarket - for what? £8 an hour - how many hours would she have to work to earn your "hourly rate"?

What's the point? She presumably adds far more value to your family by being available to your DC, taking them to school and activities, cooking nutritious meals, supervising home work etc

FWIW I'm the sole earner in our family.

Yep agree with so many on here who say that school hours jobs are virtually impossible to get, with a line a mile long of overqualified applicants for each position. I've been looking for one for 2 years, have multiple degrees (all from good unis) had a few interviews but never got the jobs. I've been offered a few full time jobs in that time (as I've had a career break, on less than I was earning 5 years ago) but DH and I agreed that it wouldn't work for our family my taking those jobs as both involved travel and DH's job involves a lot of travel. We have no family nearby so who would look after the DC overnight if we were both away?

So, I'm looking at freelance work now, possibly retraining, and in the meantime doing voluntary work (the theory being that this will lead to paid work- although losing my belief in that argument - so far it's only lead to being asked to do more work for free). YANBU to expect your wife to look for work but you need to be really clear on what is realistic and what you're going to contribute to the childcare / general household chores and admin if she does find a job. YABU if you think she can do ALL the household chores and admin and ALL the childcare and ALSO spend "6-8 hours a day networking where possible and applying for jobs and canvassing potential employers". Children are only in school for 6 hours a day after all!

Where did OP go? Just posted, waited to see it kick off and got the popcorn?

Yep.

If a man did this he would undoubtedly be castigated on here. Why is it OK for a woman to do it? (I am a woman, BTW).

My OH earns much more than me, but when he lost his job a few years ago, we were very grateful that we had my salary (school administrator - yes these jobs do exist) to fall back on.

Completely agree with Whispering. Plus - if you really want her to work, then the only fair way to do it is to agree that you are both available to work for the same number of hours per week (say, 20 each and both work part time) and that the other part of the week each of you is completely responsible for the house and the children. Problem is that - likely or not - you too would end up scrabbling around looking for much less well paid part time work. And even you might end up in a situation where, as a family, you were significantly worse off as a) part time work tends to be much more lowly paid and you would most likely be on a much lower "hourly rate", b)you would be likely to need paid for childcare, at least in the holidays c) depending on your earnings level,the tax system works against you and d) weekends would be spent on household tasks rather than doing fun/family/educational things with your children.

There are jobs available during school hours.
I am a swim teacher, have my own business teaching under 5s, and teach school swimming, term time only.
I have a friend who runs her own marketing business from home, another who runs a beauty salon from her home, another who works a lunch shift in a pub, a teaching assistant, someone who runs their own gardening business, another runs buggy blitz type classes, all of which you can do whilst your dc are at school.
appointments can be made for during school holidays. 70% of dd1s class had 100% attendance last year, so I don't think you shouldn't look for a job in case your children are ill.
There are jobs out there, it's wrong to suggest there's none.

Could your wife consider becoming a childminder? Then she can suit her business around the children, perhaps only work term time for example.

Roses are red

Lillies are sorrow

This click bait will be ......

In the Mail tomorrow

Why do lots of posters think it has to be school hours? I work 30 hrs a week (part time but flexible) and kids only go to after school club twice a week....circa £240 term cost (taken as childcare vouchers so even cheaper)

My worst nightmare, having children in school and deciding on a career as a childminder. Why don't posters ever say, could your wife consider becoming a cleaner?

Why do lots of posters think it has to be school hours?

Probably because the OP specified that they wanted their partner to get a job in school hours...

Haven't rt whole ft yet but a YABU from me. She's spent 12 years doing all the work involved on looking after kids full time at the expense of a career and now you expect her to get a McJob but still be around to do all the post school donkey work, right?

As for people who can't imagine what sahp do all day when the dc are at school, it must be hard for you to hold down a job when your ability to think is so limited.

OP, if you are truly willing to pull your weight with the childcare and give her all the support you have benefitted from over the years then great. That means being responsible for taking half the time off when the dc are sick or on school holidays, doing half the work around the house. Be prepared for your life to get harder and weigh up whether that is worth the few extra quid your wife can bring in.

hettie

Op stated that school hours would be preferable

Oops sorry hettie

Too slow...