AIBU To expect my wife to actively search for work now DC are at school ?

[Fortnum]

My wife hasn't worked full time in the 12 years of our marriage, I have always been the principle earner. Previously there were some part time supermarket hours despite a reasonably professional clerical career prior to marriage and moving to another area of the country. Now our DC are 7 &10 respectively I would expect her to at least search for some work within their school hours if possible , I have even offered to invest in a business start up for her.

I earn a good wage and we can afford to live reasonably well, but now with age 40 not far around the corner , I feel we should be working very hard to bring in whatever we can to plan for the future, its all very well us owning a nice home but with another income we could pay the mortgage down even quicker and it is always worth both partners having a decent pension arrangement.

She does not seem too bothered, she has applied for precisely two jobs in 4 months. I had a period of 6 months unemployed a few years ago, (with savings) and I spent 6-8 hours a day networking where possible and applying for jobs and canvassing potential employers.

So AIBU ?

I also object to the term 'skivvy'. That is most definitely not an accurate description of me!
Dh always had the ability to out earn me. My previous career was not badly paid but was nowhere near what dh can earn in the private sector. It made sense from a financial pov for me to sah if one of us was going to. Honestly though, I like not having to be at work all day and then busy all evening as well.
It's not that I considered dh's job to be more important than mine, only better paid.

Some idiots think the best policy is to shame women into paid work. I can think of nothing more likely to turn someone off the idea. It is not the law that a SAHM is either a skivvy or lazy... Different arrangements work for different people and when they aren't working, it is up to those people to talk to each other about it constructively. The OP clearly desires to talk about this constructively and to be helpful, understanding and positive rather than bullying, which is a very good start.

Fortnum,
I do think you need to speak to your DW about what she wants and what you both want long term. School hours jobs aren't easy to get (although probably depends where you live - like gold dust where I am - last one I applied for had 500 applicants all with postgraduate degrees - for a 20k pro-rata school hours job) - and particularly any which are above min wage. I'm doing volunteering while still looking for jobs - this is good as it does increase confidence after being out of a career for a while. Would you consider this (no more money coming in though)? Would you consider her retraining? The problem is with this that it costs money before you earn any - but probably means a greater salary in the long term.

last one I applied for had 500 applicants all with postgraduate degrees - for a 20k pro-rata school hours job

All 500 of them has postgrad degrees??

You say you do 50% of school run etc. Is this reliably on the same days each week? If not then your DW wouldn't be able to work regular hours if you both still wanted to do all school runs yourselves and not pay for childcare. As others have said, school hours part time jobs are very rare, and ones that are actually interesting and 'broaden horizons' even rarer.

I have a part time boring NMW job that I quite enjoy for a few hours three days a week, after being a SAHM for 12 years. I can only do it now the kids are old enough to look after themselves as the job requires flexibility and if I paid childcare I'd make nothing.
I previously had an interesting professional job but having been out of of the workforce for many years I'd never get back in that industry. I'm happy to do the few hours I do but it would drain the life out of me if I had to do more hours. It would be soul destroying and I'm sure our marriage would suffer as I would be miserable.
It's a fine line between her doing her bit and being happy to do so.

she should be looking for something even if its part time just so she can get use to working again, I know after long term unemployment it can be hard to get back into working so maybe she can look for something 16 hours to start

Have you thought about the practicalities of your dw getting a job?

My friend works for a well known supermarket and all workers have to work one weekend day. Who will look after the children when you are working away?

Jobs that you can do for a few hours per day a few days per week:
Anything from home. Proof reading, editing, a small businesses books, a small businesses admin, remote marketing, a girl Friday, writing, journalism, blogs, online surveys; I could go on and on; I'm not sure why there is this persistence there's no jobs on mn. It isn't something I've experienced personally. As I said up thread, there are at least 20 parents out of dads class of 30, who work about 10 hours a week doing a range of things.

If I was a journalist or writer I'd be irritated with the view that my work is something that just anyone can bang out between school runs
I don't see anyone's horizons necessarily being broadened by being a girl friday. Isn't that just doing someone else's shit work as well as your own?
Maybe there is something in the book keeping/admin suggestion if that is her background. Genuine question, is there much call for that from small businesses or do the tend to do their own books/have professional accountants?

Have you actually asked her how she sees your life together developing in the future? Where she sees herself going?
Or have you told her where you see your life going? Are you looking to reduce your work commitments/retire early? Are you finding her dull?? Don't say that out loud , but is that what this is actually about?

Are you a bit bored in the relentless treadmill that is modern life? Is the spark gone and you somehow think her working '2-3 hrs per week' would reignite that?!

Apart from her being entirely self-employed or in some sort of creative role, I cannot see what job could 'widen her horizons' that would fit in to such narrow parameters.

Have you considered relationship counselling to give both of you the space to say what you need to say?

Kudos for coming back btw

Since I left my full time job, I have done numerous jobs for various small businesses, so, yes, there is a call for it. People set up their own businesses all the time without all the necessary skills, so there's plenty of work there helping them out in whatever your own area if expertise is.

Bookkeeping is something small businesses hate doing themselves and accountants are too expensive to do. You need to know how to do it yourself, first, though.

Also, op, I'm sure you're aware, that whilst there's differing opinions on whether a sahp to school age dc should be doing a part time job or not; it's pretty bonkers that the woh party is also the one doing the chores. I'm fairly sure that would be unanimous that that isn't right.

Letseat - it was a requirement in the job advert, so yes.

The thing is though if you both work ft then you can out source the grunt work. We had a housekeeper who would put washing on/hang it out, cook and mind the fort generally as well as clean. Unfortunately she met her dream man and left us, we now have a cleaner (2× a week) and I am not above taking the dcs out for supper when we are all busy and knackered. I do throw money at the problem, but there is plenty left for a good quality of life. My dcs are 12 and 10 and I realised about 3 years ago that they preferred the quality of life that my labour provides than a mother who is at home while they are at school

Thing is, not everyone can tolerate the idea of a stranger nosing around their house as they cook and clean in it.

And not everyone views it as grunt work. I doubt your housekeeper would have appreciated being viewed as a grunt worker.

But that's the joy you can outsource the bits you choose. I love spending time with my children, I hate cleaning, I love working so I choose the bits I enjoy. Our housekeeper was with us for 7 years, she knew how I felt about cleaning (also I'm crap at it). Others can't stand getting woken at night so hire a night nanny to do the "hard bit" as they see it. But having 2 earners and income gives you choice. Us ft woth parents are not all manically stressed because we can choose what to do and what to pay some one else to.

No, you mean you well paid, ft worth parents... Plenty of ft with parents can't afford to outsource any of it.

And iPads should stop thinking they know better than me what I want to type. woth woth woth....

Obviously that is the case sometimes.But OP currently has a SAHP so I'd assume if they got a second income, it might allow some outsourcing.

Different people have different views on what they want/ can cope with/ aspire to

For example, some people thought I was nuts to continue working when I had 3 pre schoolers, because childcare cost the equivalent of my income for quite a while. In fact tbh we'd have been better off short term for me to stop working as i wouldn't have had commuting costs as well as childcare. Other people would go even further and aren't prepared to work if they're not turning a healthy profit each month after childcare. And some people won't even countenance using a childminder, nursery or after school club. These are all views I've seen on MN.
It's really down to the OP and partner to discuss this sensibly like adults. 12 years out of work is a long time, which is why it's important to thrash these things out early on in a relationship and to consider the long term implications of any decision as well as the short term. By the time we got to 3 kids and our huge childcare bill, we'd accepted that this was the price to pay in the short term for being able to keep both of us in good jobs in the long term. If you decide that you don't want anyone else other than a parent to do school drop offs and pick ups, then you're pretty much deciding that unless one of you has a very well paid flexible work from home career, you'll be limited to low paid jobs. Nothing intrinsically wrong with this; it's just about being aware of the impact of your decisions

I would also recommend regularly reviewing how things are going, because a decision made at one point isn't necessarily going to be desirable or even workable 5 or 10 years later. Someone who is happy to stay at home for a while, may be bored and frustrated a couple of years down the line; and the sole earner could be overwhelmed by the responsibility, facing redundancy...

No simple answers, but OP certainly isn't wrong to not want to be carrying the whole financial burden any more, and only the couple involved can sort this out