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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU To expect my wife to actively search for work now DC are at school ?

266 replies

Fortnum · 05/10/2016 18:32

My wife hasn't worked full time in the 12 years of our marriage, I have always been the principle earner. Previously there were some part time supermarket hours despite a reasonably professional clerical career prior to marriage and moving to another area of the country. Now our DC are 7 &10 respectively I would expect her to at least search for some work within their school hours if possible , I have even offered to invest in a business start up for her.

I earn a good wage and we can afford to live reasonably well, but now with age 40 not far around the corner , I feel we should be working very hard to bring in whatever we can to plan for the future, its all very well us owning a nice home but with another income we could pay the mortgage down even quicker and it is always worth both partners having a decent pension arrangement.

She does not seem too bothered, she has applied for precisely two jobs in 4 months. I had a period of 6 months unemployed a few years ago, (with savings) and I spent 6-8 hours a day networking where possible and applying for jobs and canvassing potential employers.

So AIBU ?

OP posts:
InfiniteCurve · 05/10/2016 19:05

"She hasn't worked full time" implies that she has,actually ,been employed.Just not full time...
Is that the case,and if so what has she been doing?

Angela0413 · 05/10/2016 19:05

You are not being unreasonable! I have a 3 year old and a 1 year old and I work part time when kids are at nursery 3 days a week, look after them the other 2 days, do all housework/cooking/shopping etc. I genuinely do not understand what SAHM do all day when kids are at school. Go for coffee and the gym??

butterfliesandzebras · 05/10/2016 19:06

YANBU to expect her to look for work.

YABU if you expect her experience of looking for 'school hours only' work after twelve years out of the workplace to be anything like your experience of looking for full time work after less than a year out.

The twelve years out you can't fix, but if there is any way you can be more flexible on hours that would open up a lot more potential jobs.

AnnieOnAMapleLeaf · 05/10/2016 19:07

I genuinely do not understand what SAHM do all day when kids are at school. Go for coffee and the gym??

Nice. Hmm

hairymairyfromthedairy · 05/10/2016 19:07

It's not easy I have been in this position I gave my job up to be a sahm when I had my first child & I haven't worked full time since-a situation we are both happy with, I've had a few part time jobs but ones that fit around school hours are really few & far between & unless you work in a school - holidays are always an issue

Believeitornot · 05/10/2016 19:08

Yanbu

Some SAHMs use it as an opportunity to not work because they didn't enjoy working not because they had an urge to support their DH's/DW's career.

Sounds like she isn't making an effort.

Trifleorbust · 05/10/2016 19:08

Also, why do you think 'within their school hours' is a reasonable expectation to place upon her? Do you anticipate that she will still be the 'default parent' as the saying goes? Perhaps, as pp have suggested, she is reluctant to go back to work 'full time' because she knows she will still be doing the lion's share of everything else? How have you gone about reassuring her about this?

SheldonCRules · 05/10/2016 19:08

School hours work is very part time and hard to find so you may want to widen the hours.

Very unfair of her to expect to not have to work yet expect you too in order to finance that choice. Were you always this wide apart in terms of work ethic and responsibilities?

EweAreHere · 05/10/2016 19:10

Sit down and tell her you want to talk to her about it. Ask her, in all seriousness, what she would do if you died or your marriage broke down and you left. She would have to find a job, right? So she can find a job. She just doesn't want to.

Yes, it's scary and difficult after 12 years at home with the children. But it can be done, especially part time jobs. No, they might not be glamorous or exciting, but they will bring in some additional family income and pension benefits for the future, and there's no reason she can't look for and find something.

And ftr, I am someone who stayed at home for about the same amount of time and previously had a 'professional' career. It can be done.

JackShit · 05/10/2016 19:11

YANBU. 12 years is taking the piss.

Arfarfanarf · 05/10/2016 19:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

QueenLaBeefah · 05/10/2016 19:12

Your wife has probably suffered a massive knock to her confidence over the past 12 yrs and returning to work can seem like an almost impossible task.

A job from 9.30-2.30 are like hens teeth and TBH don't really exist.

You will need to show some flexibility and might have to do a couple of school runs yourself. And be prepared to do some sick days too. And more housework.

In saying that your wife should be thinking about returning to work or studying with a view to returning to work.

StrawberryLime · 05/10/2016 19:12

I'm in the position of the wife. It's not just as easy as "get a job" when you've got childcare to think of. Hmm
I'd love to go back to work but with 7 years out of the workforce, and unable to be flexible with working hours due to dh working continuous shifts, (and some weekends) that drastically cuts what you can actually do.

EweAreHere · 05/10/2016 19:13

Oh, and OP. YOU will have to support your wife in whatever job she can reasonably finds. THat means you will have to do more at home and more with the children: children have sick days, you might have to stay home; children have to get to/from school, you might have to do your share; childcare often falls through, clubs need to be gotten to picked up from; you might be on call for your share of these. And it will cost if she doesn't find a term time job in terms of childcare.

The flip side of two working parents,,,,

AbyssinianBanana · 05/10/2016 19:15

"I have a 3 year old and a 1 year old and I work part time when kids are at nursery 3 days a week, look after them the other 2 days, do all housework/cooking/shopping etc. I genuinely do not understand what SAHM do all day when kids are at school. Go for coffee and the gym??"

Been there. Also been a stay at home parent when children were school age and I was looking into contracting.

What I did? All the shite I never had time to do when I was running myself to the ground working, taking care of toddlers and housework. And all the shite DH and I had to do on weekends.

And on weekends, we both relaxed. He had more "me" time and I actually look forward to doing stuff with the kids. It was fucking bliss and I wish we could afford to both be stay at home parents. :-)

MrsTerryPratchett · 05/10/2016 19:15

Finding a flexible job that allows her to also do the school run and take time if the children are sick or need her is really difficult. I speak as someone with a school hours/flexible job. It's still a bloody nightmare.

And what was the agreement at the beginning? Because a friend of mine gave her all to being a SAHM on the understanding that her DH would be breadwinner and she would just focus on the children. He acted like an arse, slept around, treated her like a kitchen slave and then expected her to go back to work. Shifts and antisocial hours. Fucker.

ScaredFuture99 · 05/10/2016 19:16

School hours is very restricted and being self employed isn't for everyone.

My first reaction would be no YANBU to expect her to start working again.
But then I'm wondering how much support you are happy to give her so that she can work (ie are you happy to change your hours to suit hers, happy to see the dcs at a childminder and pay for it etc etc).
From yoour description, you are expecting her to work but somehow NT disturb anything else going on (the school run etc etc)

If someone isn't keen on working, then you need to understand why. Is it

  • because she can't be bothered
  • because she can see that she will work AND do all the HW, child care etc... As before
  • the hours she can work are so restricted that she can't see what she could do bar the most boring job
  • she feels under so much pressure from you and she is resisting and refusing to do it
  • that's not what you agreed initially re your respective roles within the family unit.
  • any other possibility.

Try and talk to her, understand what is stopping her. The. Ou will be able to decide whether ou are or not unreasonable.

Bestthingever · 05/10/2016 19:16

I wonder if it's possible that your wife has lost a bit of confidence after having been out of the workforce for so long. That happened to me. I applied for two or three when dd went to nursery, failed to get an interview and got scared of rejection. I hated when my ILs kept asking me when I was going back to work. I preferred people to think I was a sahm by choice rather than unemployable waste of space.

mouldycheesefan · 05/10/2016 19:17

Yanbu.
Either she has a good reason or she is lazy.

Comejointhemurder · 05/10/2016 19:19

I can't say I'd be really enthusiastic about getting a job after 12 years as a SAHM.

I'm sure I'd also think I was taking the piss a bit too if my partner wasn't wholeheartedly agreeing I shouldn't work.

HeyNannyNanny · 05/10/2016 19:19

previously there were some part time supermarket hours despite a reasonably professional clerical career prior to marriage

I read this as OP feeling that his/her wife should NOT have been working in the supermarket.

So many people would have a different tune if this was husband instead of wife.

OP, YANBU - obviously it is reasonable to expect both people to be contributing evenly in a relationship - so long as childcare is evenly divided and she's not going to have to work more hours in total when you combine childcare and work

phoenix1973 · 05/10/2016 19:22

It's VERY difficult to find work to suit school hours.
That's before she's even considered the school holiday childcare.
She won't want to use a minder, as that will eat into meagre earnings. Often to the point of it being financially unworthy.especially if she's on NMW.
I used to work in secretarial/admin, I'm a whizz on computers.
However, because I cannot find this type of work with the hours I need, I had to do cleaning instead.
I felt a bit low at first because it's considered low status, but now I realise I'm contributing and it's better than sitting down while my partner works bloody hard for us.
It's not forever and it works for us as a family at present.
I used to work 30 hours over 5 days then 24 hours over 3 days. They didn't work but I earned more money....but the childminder took much of it. I also needed to pay her a retainer (even when NOT using her). Along with her retainer, I needed to pay a separate holiday club provider too.

If you want her to work, sit down together. Work out minimum earnings (nmw is £7.20 hour). Work out how much it will cost her to go to work with childcare. Plus how much kid support you can offer.

You said you may put up business money for her. What does she like doing, can she turn a hobby into a business?

roundaboutthetown · 05/10/2016 19:24

Poor Angela0413 hasn't yet discovered that juggling work and childcare gets harder when they start primary school than it was when they were younger. Grin

PawWavingCat · 05/10/2016 19:24

Have you both discussed the realities of no longer having a SAHP? If / when your wife goes back out to work?

12 years is a long time to be out of the work force and she may be feeling very daunted by the prospect of job hunting.

In reality, school hours, term time (unless you have cheap / free childcare in place) only jobs are very rare and generally very well paid - are you both willing to go through the upheaval of her returning to work for (probably) little financial gain?

I don't think YABU, if it's what you both want and you're willing to step up to support your wife and the family when she goes back to work.

KitKat1985 · 05/10/2016 19:24

In principle YANBU and I can understand why you are starting to feel resentful of being the sole earner when she has a lot of free time. I would say though that she's probably feeling quite anxious about it all after years out of the workforce, and term time only jobs that all fit in with school hours are not easy to come by. I think if you are serious about her going back to work then you are probably going to have to have a serious chat with how you both jointly manage childcare, and accept that she may realistically have to take a role that involves working nights, or evenings and weekends in order to manage working with childcare, as this is what most people I know have to do. This would mean you accepting doing a greater amount of childcare and stuff around the house as well, so you are both going to have to compromise a bit.