AIBU To expect my wife to actively search for work now DC are at school ?

[Fortnum]

My wife hasn't worked full time in the 12 years of our marriage, I have always been the principle earner. Previously there were some part time supermarket hours despite a reasonably professional clerical career prior to marriage and moving to another area of the country. Now our DC are 7 &10 respectively I would expect her to at least search for some work within their school hours if possible , I have even offered to invest in a business start up for her.

I earn a good wage and we can afford to live reasonably well, but now with age 40 not far around the corner , I feel we should be working very hard to bring in whatever we can to plan for the future, its all very well us owning a nice home but with another income we could pay the mortgage down even quicker and it is always worth both partners having a decent pension arrangement.

She does not seem too bothered, she has applied for precisely two jobs in 4 months. I had a period of 6 months unemployed a few years ago, (with savings) and I spent 6-8 hours a day networking where possible and applying for jobs and canvassing potential employers.

So AIBU ?

A few things here.

How hasn't she been employed FT for 12 years and your eldest is 10?
What happened there?

I agree that when both parents start working full time, then it is more difficult on the one who is used to the other picking up the pieces when a child is ill or during breaks. You should definitely factor in those as becoming your responsibility as well.

But I do agree that, ideally, she should be looking into getting back to paid employment or finding a way to earn for the family.

What does she spend her time on?

I suspect yabu

Because DW will still do the housework, drop off and collect the dc, look after the dc when ill, organise everything for school and the household admin, organise the children's activities and the drop offs at those.

If you are intending to take 50% responsibility for the above then yanbu. But in which case I don't see what the children being at school has to do with that.

YANBU to expect your partner to work full time after 12 years.

However you are being very unreasonable to expect her to do school only hours. Unless you are willing to pull your weight to help more with getting children to school in the morning and after work or contribute towards childcare costs, you have absolutely no right to demand that she works " because you think she should" whilst not offering any more contribution to the running of the household.

Have you read "Wifework", OP?

Could you afford for her to work? Childcare is expensive. Holiday childcare is even more expensive.

A couple of ways my friends who had previously got tlback into employment after not working was by havinf a zero hour contract in retail. Ok not ideal but they could to a certain degree pick which hours they wanted and it got them work expierenxe again and was able to apply for better jobs over time and also have employer references. Other friends,over the years got on with agency work,usually part time and again worked themselves into a better posit overvtime. One stayed withvagency as they like to pick and choosewhen they work and like having long holidays,the other hot a decentvfull time job which was her aim.

I work for a local authority andcwe have casual staff. That is how our deputy manager got his foot in the door.

Im not saying these options will work for everyone so dont shoot me fown. Im saying they sre possibilities.

I completely missed the school hours part...naughty Rufus

Now thats very unreasonable, those jobs are like golddust as someone already mentioned

And what happens with holidays and sickness

But as long as you are happy and able to take the time off as well that shouldnt be a problem

Sorry about the typos. It looked ok on my phone before I posted!

I think YABU actually.

You've been happy with her being at home this whole time. She's sacrificed career development, pensions, work socialising to raise your DC. Now it suits you, you want her to return. You need to consider;

1. What job could she realistically do after that length of time out of the workplace.
2. How much would she be earning.
3. What would the cost of her returning to work be (child care, transport etc)
4. How easy is it to get school hours jobs?

I'm not a SAHM, my DH & I work however your attitude feels unfair to me.

You love your wife, be more empathetic about this.

Oh, forgot to say pt school hours often means below earnings for both pension AND national insurance contributions to kick in.

I'm not paying ni or tax as my earnings are that low. Bad for me in future.

Please do not forget that your wife has LOST a lot by being a sahm for 12 years. She must check her nat ins status. From now on, pensions for women are linked to nat ins contributions. NOT income tax. She must ensure she has a minimum of 10 years (doesn't need to be continuous) of paying ni and tax to get a government pension of her own.

She has enabled YOU to keep and progress freely in your career and to retain your pension and employment prospects. It's a HUGE sacrifice.

It's better for her confidence and future to get a job. But you need to accept this may not happen till both are at high school......

YANBU at all. It will only cause further resentment for you, moving forward

Yabu.

I didn't work from when dd1 was born until ds went to school-about 10years.
Despite having good qualifications, experience etc. and applying for lots of term time jobs I got 2 interviews in 3 years. If anything I was overqualified for what I went for, but I always was pipped by someone with more recent qualifications.

I now have a school hour job, although not term time only.
The thing is though dh hadn't fully thought it through. He's really struggled with things like me saying one of the children is ill, he'll have to take time off. Generally my job is more flexible, but sometimes I can't do it. And then two of my dc have health issues. I've always,done the medical appointments and know what to ask/say etc. So it has made sense for me to do it.
So we're in the silly situation now that I have no holiday left and he has nearly 2 weeks.
Then he's had to do stuff round the house he didn't realise needed doing.
It's taken pretty much a year for this to sink in and he has found it much harder than he thought.
I knew he would find it a bit of a shock, and am quite pleased to find that he has.
I think he liked the idea of me having a job more than the reality.

I actually think it's really unfair on SAHP when people automatically gravitate to the idea of supermarket work. Low paid, shit conditions (the last woman I spoke to in Tesco told me they get into trouble for not bringing their own pen to work - the company won't provide them), zero respect. When someone has sacrificed their own career progression to carry out parenting duties for two people, and the other has been able to build a career where they are at least respected in their positions, this seems like an unreasonable expectation to me, and I am not surprised someone would resist it.

Yep her finding a school hours, term time only role that does not use her brain so you can still carry on your life as usual sounds like a great partnership.

Oh, I see. It's one of those OPs. Light the SAHM-v-WOHM touchpaper, then stand back and watch. Yawn.

And I say that as a full time working mum, you need to accept the fact that you need to step up and support her big time in facilitating the right working balance for both of you e.g by working fewer hours yourself or doing all the school drop offs and she does pick ups.

witchend

Luckily for me my husband saw all the negatives before i actually got a job

I worked as a dinnerlady 3 lunches a week and now work in a shop for 8 hours a week

YABU unless you aim to go pt or find hours to do your 50% of parenting and domestic chores, shopping, housework, ferrying kids about, taking to appointments, school run, etc,

I'm looking for pt work now and have restricted hours I can work, due to family commitments. I have been a sahm for 25 years and dh wouldn't be on here moaning but building my confidence and supporting me.
I'm only going to be able to go for certain jobs and am a confident person, I can't imagine how hard it must be if you lack confidence and have low self esteem.

What plans did you make when you decided on having children?

Hi. I am part time. I have worked in retail since my eldest was 1. This was evenings and weekends. When my youngest started school, I did overtime during the day for a couple of days a week when available and this was school hours. This is ideal because I can work flexibly. I could not change my contract to a school hour contract because my wages do not cover the childcare costs for 2 children (actually, they wouldn't cover one either). I get 6 weeks holiday a year and my husband gets 4. We would prefer spending the holiday time going on holiday and doing stuff rather than sharing childcare duties.

There is also the question of sick days, endless school concerts, doctor's appointments. Appointments and the like can be done after school but they're hard to come by and who wants to drag two overtired children around town or to the doctor? This also puts back mealtimes and the homework routine and turns me into a frazzled mess. Add shopping to the list, too, and the housework - cleaning, washing, hoovering, admin, organising the school stuff (like dress up days). Imagine squeezing that into just two hours on top of the usual routine of homework, dinner. Then they want the odd playdate, too, and maybe a trip to the park.

Who says it gets easier when they start school? The workload increases and when they are at secondary, they have piles of homework ,which they sometimes require support with and they get massively stressed then they want lifts everywhere, can help round the house but this is even more of a battle when they make more of a mess and don't want to clean up after themselves.

But, hey, that's OK for the men because they are not there but it's OK for them to ask their wife to triple their workload and continuing doing exactly the same themselves because, in spite of having enough money, they want her to work because she just sits at home watching Jeremy Kyle, right?

Truth is, it doesn't stop when they start school. It really doesn't.

YABU to think she'll easily find a job that fits in with the school run (imo especially as that shows potential employers that sick days etc will be down to her as those working hours show she is the default parent) after 12 at home.

She's not worked for 12 years, at what level do you think she can go back at?
There's sick days
Holidays
Running around getting a Viking outfit for Jonny as the school's given you a days notice.
All perfectly so able whilst working. But daunting to go to. Especially if it's for a job you don't want to do for not a lot of money.

I get your point, but I hope you can see it's not straight forward

I have been a SAHM for 9 years. I look for school hours jobs, but unless I work in the school where my children go, I would still probably have to pay for before and after school care to cover the time between dropping them off and travelling to and from my job - which would cost about £40 per day for my three children - so I would have to be earning £200 per week, just to cover that. I was lucky enough to get a month's work where they let me work between drop off and pick up, but that was only because they were desperate. I used to have a high-powered job, but I have lost confidence. My sector will not let me back in at anywhere near the level I left at - we have also moved area, so there are very few jobs in my sector here anyway. I would like to be working. I feel quite trapped at times and hate housework. My neighbour actually divorced her husband because he was so impatient with her about getting a school hours job - called her lazy and said she wasn't really trying to get a job - there were no jobs. Now she is divorced, he has the children for 3 days and she works part-time - much easier to find part-time work! So if you don't want to get divorced, be realistic about what is available, help her to look and work out the logistics (you may even have to subsidise her for a while, if childcare costs more than she is earning) and be aware that life at home will require more input from you once she is working.

"...you may even have to subsidise her for a while, if childcare costs more than she is earning)..."

I'm sure you don't mean it to sound like this, but your post makes it sound like childcare is her responsibility. How is he subsidising her if he has to pay for childcare?

Oh, the irony, that it's easier to find work if you get divorced and only have responsibility for the children for half the week. Alas, it doesn't generally help with the desire to have a wealthier retirement, once you've factored in doubling housing costs and childcare on the days you do have the responsibility.

What full time work means to a lot of parents is becoming ships passing in the night, never able to have time off together for holidays and enjoyment, because time off is spent covering school holidays, INSET days and illness, with no time left to overlap.