AIBU To expect my wife to actively search for work now DC are at school ?

[Fortnum]

My wife hasn't worked full time in the 12 years of our marriage, I have always been the principle earner. Previously there were some part time supermarket hours despite a reasonably professional clerical career prior to marriage and moving to another area of the country. Now our DC are 7 &10 respectively I would expect her to at least search for some work within their school hours if possible , I have even offered to invest in a business start up for her.

I earn a good wage and we can afford to live reasonably well, but now with age 40 not far around the corner , I feel we should be working very hard to bring in whatever we can to plan for the future, its all very well us owning a nice home but with another income we could pay the mortgage down even quicker and it is always worth both partners having a decent pension arrangement.

She does not seem too bothered, she has applied for precisely two jobs in 4 months. I had a period of 6 months unemployed a few years ago, (with savings) and I spent 6-8 hours a day networking where possible and applying for jobs and canvassing potential employers.

So AIBU ?

When I was a cleaner I certainly thought it was grunt work.

If you want her to do something constructive with her talents and are not concerned about the financial side yanbu. In reality it is bloody hard to find something paid. Especially if one partner is away for weeks at a time.

I tend not to grunt when I'm cleaning. Playing tennis is grunt work.

Gardening, however. God, I loathe gardening.

I agree that it must be hard getting back into work after a long break but surely it will get harder the longer the DW leaves it? If you were the OP, would you honestly be happy for your partner to never work again, even when the DCs are teenagers or have left home? Like I said, if both parties are happy, I couldn't care less what people do but I don't think it's fair to expect someone to be the sole breadwinner for several decades, to have all the responsibility of saving for university fees and retirement if they're not happy with that arrangement. Not to mention the worries about illness and redundancy.

Yes, you're right, stillwishi - provided the OP's DW doesn't get a cleaning job, which would largely negate the benefit to the DW, they could spend some of the extra money on outsourcing tasks around their own home if they wanted to, somas to free up some time. Not everyone likes other people coming into their homes to perform these tasks, though, as it is a bit of an invasion of privacy.

I don't think the OP sounds unreasonable. I think it is possible that the whole family could be happier if the DW found some paid work that stimulated her interest.

YABU and I'm not a SAHP and have no horse in this race.

What you're asking for is nearly impossible, as many posters have pointed out.

Why the hell haven't you been paying into a pension for her?

It took you SIX MONTHS of working 6-8 hours a DAY to find a job when you'd been out of work less than a year, and you think she should be able to find a part time job with school time hours after 12 years out of the workforce? Use your brain.

I didn't get the impression the OP is obsessed with his DW only getting work in school hours, just that he isn't trying to force her out into full time work. I might be wrong, of course. Besides, even if she did find school hours only work, unless it was a job doing low level admin in a school which miraculously didn't need her to turn up til she'd done her own school drop offs and let her leave before her own children's pick up time, it would still require childcare arrangements to be put in place every school holiday and, once you are having to organise that, you might as well accept having to put something in place for short periods during term time - e.g. breakfast or after school clubs, childminder pick ups, finding another parent to share drop offs and pick ups with and look after the children for a while, etc.

OP just needs to realise that it's not just a case of finding an interesting job and accepting it, it's a case of a massive rearrangement of responsibilities and household organisation. Even if working from home, most people are not entirely free to pick exactly the hours that suit their families to get their work done, and they can't be looking after their children at the same time as doing productive paid work unless possibly they are a childminder, in which case they'll be paid very little and have to spend huge amounts on modifying their home and receiving training in order to get approval to run their business... and then might get complaints from neighbours about noisy children and parents' cars and not get to spend the quality time with their own children that they wanted, or be free to take their own children to their own activities. And then, of course, with both parents working, it may become harder to find time when they are both allowed time off work for family holidays - a new employee may be bottom of the pile for school holiday time time off. Still, none of it is insurmountable if it's what everyone wants, it just requires a change of mindset and less freedom with regards to what to do with your time and when.

It is fair to point out that many couples with kids who both work demanding jobs, it is feasible in many cases but of course very hard work. Some do this to maintain their career progression, some its the only way they can make ends meet. Its good to have the privilege of being able to have SAHP in the household but its not a privilege that all can have. I would assume the poster of this thread has worked out that it would be possible based on their circumstances that work for their wife is a possibility? I have no problems with SAHP, I am a big fan in terms of having a dedicated person to management of the household (which is a big job, as a lone full time working parent I do it all). If both work (even 1 FT and 1 PT) everyone has to work harder but there is more financial gain. I was just pointing out the negative sides and potential future implications of having a SAHP. At the end of the day if you are privileged to be able to choose then both options have their merits. Its about choosing what's right for the family.

Plus despite the negativity that some have expressed about your wife finding work, I don't agree. You have expressed that she is very bright and you obviously have a lot of faith in her. I thing employers will see that too. Also a lot depends on her. So people will work any job and take pride in that. So people are very picky.

If its more a matter of keeping her occupied rather than financial gain would she consider her own business? Maybe something that brings in a few extra penny's and gives her something to get her teeth into and spread her wings? You never know it could turn into something big.

Really interested to know what the OPs wife thinks is realistic...! Would you consider updating us?

My DH does the long hours, I work PT for myself but I do everything in the home and with and for the DC.

I work mostly during school hours but not always. Organising after school childcare is a monumental difficulty, but even though I want to stop working sometimes I do it for my financial independence, pension and my sanity...

The downside is that my kids get less of me at times when I'm worrying about a deadline which is most of the time; I'm knackered, I miss some things at school because I've already booked work in, so even though I'm SE it doesn't always workout.

The job is something that has taken me several years to engineer myself into, a lot of expensive training, and it doesn't pay that well.

What I'm trying to say is that your wife getting a job is not a panacea!

One thing that comes across loud and clear is that interesting and fulfilling work which fits totally around school hours and holidays is exceptionally rare. So for the vast majority there's a trade off to be made. You accept that you'll pay for childcare and work longer hours, but the 'payback' is a more interesting job, career progression etc

As a general observation, it seems that if you work while your Children are pre -school age, you find this easier to accept. Although the practicalities can become trickier once the kids reach school age, the financial burden is far less, because you're only paying for outside school hours and holiday care. There's nothing like paying multiple nursery fees, 51 weeks a year, to make you realise how relatively cheap the school years are!!

I can see that if you've never had to pay for care for babies, the practicalities and cost of wraparound school care may seem tough, but it is doable. To expect to be able to get away with never using childcare is extremely limiting, and you'll probably be resigned to very mundane low wage jobs

I think as long as you expect most of her wage will be eaten by Hoilday care and before and after school care

Also if your willing to take time off for school plays meetings and Harvey festivals , doctors appointments , dentist Ect

My dh had the same idea as you until last month he realised he would of had to book at least 8 days off work for the Diffrent bits and bobs our 3 children have

So I am looking for pt work that revolves around school Hoildays or is flexible it will take a time I think

Maybe the OP is quite happy to do that! There are a lot of assumptions that the OP will expect his/ her life to continue as usual... perhaps s/he wants to downshift a bit, be more hands on with the kids, have some 1 on 1 time with them during school hols etc.
Yes, it's certainly harder to recalibrate things if you've had one sole earner and one SAHP for 12 years, because there are more things to factor in, such as the likelihood the Sahp will need to update their skills etc. But life isn't static- people grow and change and what functioned well 12 years ago may not be what both partners want now

People are simply basing their responses on what OP has said. We know they want an improvement to the family income, another decent pension and are only expecting school hours work. It's more rational to proceed on the basis that what OP has said is an accurate account of their view than to speculate that they might have other wishes they've not mentioned. You really can't be complaining about people making assumptions when they're citing what's actually been said and you're not!

YANBU.

I don't know why one adult human being would ever want to be financially dependant on another for the life.

Unless there's a medical or health reason, your wife should work.

Sometimes it's just laziness.