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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU To expect my wife to actively search for work now DC are at school ?

266 replies

Fortnum · 05/10/2016 18:32

My wife hasn't worked full time in the 12 years of our marriage, I have always been the principle earner. Previously there were some part time supermarket hours despite a reasonably professional clerical career prior to marriage and moving to another area of the country. Now our DC are 7 &10 respectively I would expect her to at least search for some work within their school hours if possible , I have even offered to invest in a business start up for her.

I earn a good wage and we can afford to live reasonably well, but now with age 40 not far around the corner , I feel we should be working very hard to bring in whatever we can to plan for the future, its all very well us owning a nice home but with another income we could pay the mortgage down even quicker and it is always worth both partners having a decent pension arrangement.

She does not seem too bothered, she has applied for precisely two jobs in 4 months. I had a period of 6 months unemployed a few years ago, (with savings) and I spent 6-8 hours a day networking where possible and applying for jobs and canvassing potential employers.

So AIBU ?

OP posts:
RufusTheSpartacusReindeer · 05/10/2016 22:20

Sorry meant

oops sorry butterflies

Too slow

Bedsheets4knickers · 05/10/2016 22:21

I'm trying to also find something that will suit me from next September that fits in school hours ., so far apart from being a dinner lady I'm not having much luck . I then have to think about if I get a job that isn't only term time what I'm going to do with them in the 13 weeks they have off school. Yes there are play schemes many don't fit both my child ages . They are also pricey ..
It's not as easy as it sounds . I'm only 35 and can not imagine not working again after 7 years at home .
I do feel totally out the loop ,
My plan is to try and get my foot in the door somewhere then try to prove my worth then maybe swap a few hours here and there so I can juggle the home situation .
It's not easy though . Yanbu by any means but if you can find her some jobs out there that would suit you would see how hard it is .

NataliaOsipova · 05/10/2016 22:22

Aderyn2016 Bloody well put!

RufusTheSpartacusReindeer · 05/10/2016 22:23

arethere

As fantastic as your list is (no sarcasm intended)

There are only two jobs there, the others run their own business

and with the exception of a shift in a pub i do not have the skills to do any of them (and i am not convinced about the pub)

arethereanyleftatall · 05/10/2016 22:26

Even with children in primary school, a sahp is easily working 9 hours per day.
2 hours (say 7.30 - 9.30) getting breakfasted, ready, drop off, return
2 hours (say 9.30 - 11.30) housework/shopping/admin etc
5 hours (3pm - 8pm) - pick up, after school activities, homework, wholesome dinner, reading, baths, bedtime.
Then on top of that many people do do all the above and work part time, or most of the above and work full time.
But, compared to our pre-Dc lives of just 8 hours in the office, then freedom, it's already more even with 9-3 'off'.

arethereanyleftatall · 05/10/2016 22:30

Rufus - that list was just a few examples to counter some of the 'impossible to get a job during school hours' comments. It isn't.

PassiveAgressiveQueen · 05/10/2016 22:30

I was looking for this type of work, every single part time job required you to be flexible, which meant not just in school hours, weekends Sat and Sun for supermarkets, one evening start before OH got home from work. The saturday jobs had much cheaper 16 year olds going for them.

There was nothing untrained that didn't involve him having to compromise his work, and no bloody way he was doing that.

The work i was actually trained in was all full time jobs, leave home at 8 get back at 6, his bedtime was 6:30.

reallyanotherone · 05/10/2016 22:32

Yabu.

I am in the same position as your wife.

Like pp have said, school hours, term time only are rare.

Plus those jobs tend to be relatively low qualified, admin in schools, lunch ladies, ta's etc.

Add in the fact I have a fucking PhD, and no one will take a chance because I'm overqualified. So I lose out on dinner lady roles to fred's mum who doesn't have a GCSE so is unlikely "to leave when something better comes along"

And as aderyn says, a "little part time job", plus all the cooking, cleaning, school runs, childcare, home admin etc adds up to more than a full time job.

NataliaOsipova · 05/10/2016 22:33

Could your wife consider becoming a childminder?

Right. So it's an absolutely brilliant idea for me to look after other people's kids, but if I look after my DH's then I'm a lazy so and so?

arethereanyleftatall · 05/10/2016 22:35

Rufus - I think running your own business is probably the key. There's plenty of things, many with no set up costs. Just go with whatever your skills are.

Aderyn2016 · 05/10/2016 22:38

I get irrationally pissed off when people blithely trot out the old 'do childminding' bollocks. I have been a CM and it is a massive amount of work and responsibility for very little pay (unless you have a big house and are running the equivalent of a mini nursery).

needsahalo · 05/10/2016 22:41

Then on top of that many people do do all the above and work part time, or most of the above and work full time

You think full time workers only complete some household tasks? Are single, full time working parents non existent in your world, then?

reallyanotherone · 05/10/2016 22:41

Rufus - I think running your own business is probably the key. There's plenty of things, many with no set up costs. Just go with whatever your skills are.

Yes, it really is that simple. Wish I'd have thought of that Hmm

needsahalo · 05/10/2016 22:42

And as aderyn says, a "little part time job", plus all the cooking, cleaning, school runs, childcare, home admin etc adds up to more than a full time job

And in much the same regard as my previous post, what do you think full time working single parents do?

NataliaOsipova · 05/10/2016 22:44

Wish I'd thought of that too. I'll get down to Starbucks tomorrow and launch my hedge fund (not trading after 3pm or in the school holidays, obviously.....). I'll make a fortune.....

roundaboutthetown · 05/10/2016 22:47

Most full time working single parents spend their lives in a state of extreme stress, so far as I can tell. Not a good template for anyone to follow if they don't have to, imo...

arethereanyleftatall · 05/10/2016 22:48

Don't then. Don't pay off your mortgage. I don't care.

RufusTheSpartacusReindeer · 05/10/2016 22:50

arethere

I think you may have missed my point slightly

There were only two jobs on your list

The others were business's that require a specific skill set

Not everyone has those

And i also think that most of us were saying that 9.30-2.30 are difficult to get ....not that there arent any

And i agree that setting up your own business is an excellent idea if you can do it...but there must also be a saturation point for such business's

And how the fuck do you spell business's Hmm have i spelt it right?? Can you see why admin jobs would be out of my grasp Grin

Aderyn2016 · 05/10/2016 22:51

I don't think the OPs situation is comparable to that of a single parent. The difference being that the OP has benefitted from the wife's unpaid work for the last 12 years and seemingly wants to continue to have her do all the kid stuff while adding to her workload by wanting her to work for money as well.

A SP might be doing it all but no one is benefitting off the back of their labour while simultaneously saying that their massive contribution to family life isn't good enough.

QuizteamBleakley · 05/10/2016 22:51

Wonder what page of the shitrag Mail this will be on.

NataliaOsipova · 05/10/2016 22:52

And in much the same regard as my previous post, what do you think full time working single parents do?

I imagine they spend most of their lives trying to make ends meet and childcare arrangements hang together. It must be bloody difficult. It must mean after school and weekends are spent doing a lot of the household tasks that need to be done which can't be done during the week - which must mean therefore mean that there is less time for fun/relaxed time with the children at the weekend/after school/in the holidays.

arethereanyleftatall · 05/10/2016 22:54

Needsahalo - of course they do all the housework tasks, but they probably don't do all drop offs pick ups etc if they work full time, which is what I was referring to.

Though they could do. I have friends (a married couple) , and hats off to them, who both work full time and do all childcare as well. One parent works 6am till 2pm, the other works 10am till 6pm. Tough, and requires jobs that allows flexible hours, but doable.

inabizzlefam · 05/10/2016 22:54

I instantly took offence to your first sentence OP that your wife hasn't worked fulltime for 12 years. WTF do you think bringing up YOUR DCs, cleaning YOUR house, cooking YOUR meals, etc is?
Hope you have deep pockets to pay for childcare before school, after school and in the school holidays (13 weeks), or did you not factor that in?

GardenGeek · 05/10/2016 22:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BlackSwan · 05/10/2016 22:59

When you were out of work for 6 months, was she looking for a job then? If she didn't feel motivated to look for work then, I doubt she will while you are employed.