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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it's polite to say hi and bye when you're arriving/leaving my home?

181 replies

Itrytoohard · 03/10/2016 14:10

I'm fully prepared to be told I am BU based on DS1s looks he gave me Grin but it's been bugging me.

DS2s girlfriend came over late last night, about 10:30ish and didn't say anything as she stood in the hall whilst ds talked to me then ran off upstairs without saying a word. She then came down at almost midnight in her tiny pyjama shorts and Tshirt to say hello and apologise for not saying hi almost an hour and a half ago and said she had to go upstairs and get changed because she was freezing. Yes I'm sure she was so cold she couldnt pop her head round the door and say hello because she had to change out of her freezing cold coat, jumper and leggings into her shorts. Hmm

I wasn't expecting her to come sit with us and chat for hours, no. I knew she wouldn't because me, DP, DS1, his girlfriend and DD were taking up the 2 sofas and she's a total bitch a bit fussy when all the sofas were taken up and expects someone to sit on the floor so she can sit down I just wanted a hello.

Then an hour ago she left for college and didn't even say goodbye. I didn't know she had left until DD said her ped wasn't outside anymore.

I just feel it's rude.

Also, I don't dislike her. I understand my post might look that way but I just needed to vent and she's doing my ducking head in at he mo.

OP posts:
Original poster
Itrytoohard · 03/10/2016 16:10

He's vile when he is home- is that her fault aswell? No, that isn't her fault. It's his fault and perhaps mine too for not putting a stop to it early on.

Is there a chance your DD (who also dislikes the GF) 'accidentally on purpose' said something to her about your feelings? For example that you prefer your other DS's girlfriend or something along those lines

No, GF or DS would've told me if DD had said anything.

Did the GF originally say hi/bye when she first started coming round and has only recently stopped? If so then I suspect someone may have been stirring the pot

Yeah she did and that is a possibility but gf has no issue moankng to DS about us all so I doubt she'd keep quite if someone had been stirring.

OP posts:
Marynary · 03/10/2016 16:12

I do really like her and think if she would stop being so nasty then she would be a lovely girl. We had a good relationship before and it's a shame things have changed that.

If you like her and used to have a good relationship I think you need to rise above it and not take things so personally. Teenagers aren't always that polite in my experience. She will grow out of it (I hope so anyway)

Original poster
Itrytoohard · 03/10/2016 16:14

Well that was a really nice thing to say op. You obviously have respect for her relationship with your son. Have you tried ever spending time with just her and the son without the others? I know this is probably hard with your medical problems and having 2 other children and dh to think about, but I guess t could be something to consider.

Yes of course I do, for he most part she makes my son happy and that is all I could ask for. It doesn't matter if she upsets me does it? She's my sons girlfriend not mine haha. But it's hard to be all smiles and nice with her when she is rude. I spend a lot of time alone with them both and always have done, the last month not so much because of DS being at work now but when she's been here without him we've watched films together and a few times I've done her nails I'm a nail technician if that's relevant haha so we've even spent one on one time together.

OP posts:
Mozfan1 · 03/10/2016 16:18

Well that's really nice. I see what your saying, it's important and not important. Obviously the fact that your son still lives with you changes things I don't know why but it does in my head (as in- if he didn't live with you and he had a girlfriend who didn't like you/you didn't like, it would be less of your business). Do you think you could be the bigger person and do something with her/them? Is she different when you guys have 121 time together doing the nails?

Ninasimoneinthemorning · 03/10/2016 16:23

It's ok to not been keen on her. It's not a cardinal sin! You don't have to like every one that vines in your house or go out with your kids. I didn't like dd1 BF as I thought he was too over familiar... Feet up on my couch ect.. First time he came round Hmm

op I'd just be sunny and bright and still call out 'hello xxx' even if she is having a 'moment' , she may well be a DIL one day and you don't want her pulling her weight and making things difficult for your ds and you.

Smile and wave and drink vodka! Grin

ImperialBlether · 03/10/2016 16:25

Blimey, I think you are incredibly patient. She's hanging around your house when your son isn't there and she isn't even polite to you now? I think I would have to sit her down for a very frank chat, tbh.

He gives you money for his rent; does she pay you, too?

What's going on in her family home that she isn't spending time there?

Mummyoflittledragon · 03/10/2016 16:27

That would annoy me. As the adult it's for you to fix the situation if you can't stand it anymore, surely?

Lweji · 03/10/2016 16:30

What I think I would do would be to catch her next time and have a short conversation with her about you like to know who's coming and going in your house, so would she please just say hi and bye when coming and going. And maybe make some conversation about how things are going with her and possibly how you'd welcome the chance of having more time to talk to her and get to know her more.

Having said that, maybe she's so used to you that you've gone from stranger (to whom she's polite) to mum status (to whom she is the proverbial moody teenager).

EdmundCleverClogs · 03/10/2016 16:30

I understand, op. I think it's rude not saying hi/bye, there's generally no excuses for it (same as people excusing their 'sensitivitie/shy' children from using basic manners). She's not shown to actually be shy, so she really has no excuses. If you come into someone's home, you acknowledge them.

I think that either something has 'happened' and she's avoiding you, or she's been around so often she's forgetting her 'at someone else's house' manners. Either way, I'd be cross as well, I'd pointedly be saying hello/goodbye to her from now on.

Ragwort · 03/10/2016 16:33

He's vile? Shock. Why don't you suggest they move both out, they don't treat you courteously, your own child is rude to you - why do you put up with this, are you a door mat?

Lweji · 03/10/2016 16:39

I think that either something has 'happened'

I bet she's pregnant. You'll see.

EdmundCleverClogs · 03/10/2016 16:56

Lweji, it is a possibility. I went a bit 'off' when I discovered I was pregnant, I knew not everyone would be pleased (and I was in my late 20's!). However, cannot jump to the bigger conclusions, it could cause bigger frictions if the OP has unfounded suspicions. Perhaps they are on the verge of splitting, and the gf is 'detaching' herself, or maybe she's caught up in her own stuff (teens can be very self centred at times). Who knows, but rudeness isn't ok.

tofutti · 03/10/2016 16:57

It doesn't matter if she upsets me does it?

Shock Of course it does! It's your home!

Why are you letting your son and his GF hold you hostage like this? You have every right to expect respect and manners in your home, and if the GF won't oblige then I would not allow her in the house and I certainly wouldn't be cooking for her or spending money on her, or doing her nails!

They're not going to respect you if you let them treat you like this.

And if your son is 'vile', I would not be giving in to his demands that GF comes over. If he is over 18, I'd be telling him to move out and get s taste of the real world, where your mum doesn't pay for your moped.

GreatFuckability · 03/10/2016 17:01

i was going to suggest that maybe they are having problems and thats why she is weird with you. When my boyfriend (when I was 17) and I started having issues, I was at a loss at how to be with his parents (because I was 17 and clueless!).

but yes, i think unfortunately as the adult you have to try and rise above it. its not the crime of the century to be a bit distant. it could be worse!

FrancisCrawford · 03/10/2016 17:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Marynary · 03/10/2016 17:45

Why are you letting your son and his GF hold you hostage like this? You have every right to expect respect and manners in your home, and if the GF won't oblige then I would not allow her in the house and I certainly wouldn't be cooking for her or spending money on her, or doing her nails!

I think that not letting her in the house would be a serious over reaction!

MuffyTheUmpireSlayer · 03/10/2016 18:15

Lweji I think you're probably right! It would make sense, especially with the whole running upstairs to get changed thing. Perhaps she realised she was showing a bit too much in what she was wearing before? Massively speculating!

Original poster
Itrytoohard · 03/10/2016 18:19

lewji I should hope not, oh dear.

They could be having problems but usually DS will talk to me about that sort of stuff.

So in the situation you describe, I'd be nudging your DD to act hospitably.

If that happened every time she wants to sit down the DD just wouldn't sit with us anymore as she'd always be made to sit on the floor.

IMO she isn't really a guest anymore, a guest to me would be someone who comes over on occasions. GF is here a hell of a lot and even has things she keeps here like clothes, toiletries, and has even brought over stuff to decorate DSs room more to her taste.

OP posts:
Willywolly · 03/10/2016 18:22

If everyone else is sat down before her plus people already sitting on the floor then she needs to suck it up and sit on the floor too. No one should have to give up their seat for her, especially as you say she wouldn't do the same for someone else.

It's rude not to say hello and goodbye and I can't believe some people think that's okay. Yes she is there to see her boyfriend but it's her boyfriends mum home so she need to be polite. It's just basic manners.

I also agree after 2 years spending a lot of time over your house, having things in your house to make her more comfy, she is no longer a guest.

Sofres · 03/10/2016 18:56

I think it's rude but I can't get too worked up about it. Just teens these days isn't it?

Why are we so upset with her? Maybe if you didn't drop feed then we would understand a bit more.

mathsmum314 · 03/10/2016 20:08

Hang on, I just read that adult son pays rent, so he has rights in the property, you cant say anymore that its your house follow my rules. Its partly his house because he is renting. You can evict them if you dont like them but they dont have to treat you as anything other than a landlady.

You cant demand money and obeisance.

SpookyPotato · 03/10/2016 20:41

I was like this as a teen, just totally socially awkward with parents! They knew I was a nice girl though. I really didn't mean anything by it, just felt easier to slip in and out. I grew up a few years later..

Sofres · 03/10/2016 20:49

they dont have to treat you as anything other than a landlady.

Are you joking? She is his mother. He is 17, not an adult just yet and hasn't started paying rent yet. Even so, the girlfriend isn't paying rent is she? The problem has been there for 2 months, 2 months of which the son hasn't payed his mum a penny whilst she's funding their lifestyle and paying insurance on his moped.

Mummyoflittledragon · 03/10/2016 20:53

If he wants to treat op like a landlady, he'd better pay market rates for board and lodgings.

Willywolly · 03/10/2016 20:55

mathsmum314 You can not be serious? you cant say anymore that its your house follow my rules. Its partly his house because he is renting. It's still the OPs house and whoever else he would be renting from would have basic rules to be followed too. they dont have to treat you as anything other than a landlady. she still has to be treated with respect and she isn't their landlady anyway, she's his mum. Also good luck to them finding somewhere to rent for £150 a month!