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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it's polite to say hi and bye when you're arriving/leaving my home?

181 replies

Itrytoohard · 03/10/2016 14:10

I'm fully prepared to be told I am BU based on DS1s looks he gave me Grin but it's been bugging me.

DS2s girlfriend came over late last night, about 10:30ish and didn't say anything as she stood in the hall whilst ds talked to me then ran off upstairs without saying a word. She then came down at almost midnight in her tiny pyjama shorts and Tshirt to say hello and apologise for not saying hi almost an hour and a half ago and said she had to go upstairs and get changed because she was freezing. Yes I'm sure she was so cold she couldnt pop her head round the door and say hello because she had to change out of her freezing cold coat, jumper and leggings into her shorts. Hmm

I wasn't expecting her to come sit with us and chat for hours, no. I knew she wouldn't because me, DP, DS1, his girlfriend and DD were taking up the 2 sofas and she's a total bitch a bit fussy when all the sofas were taken up and expects someone to sit on the floor so she can sit down I just wanted a hello.

Then an hour ago she left for college and didn't even say goodbye. I didn't know she had left until DD said her ped wasn't outside anymore.

I just feel it's rude.

Also, I don't dislike her. I understand my post might look that way but I just needed to vent and she's doing my ducking head in at he mo.

OP posts:
Mozfan1 · 03/10/2016 15:46

Op I think you need to set some ground rules, that way there's no ambiguity. How you want your house run is your look out, be firm.

Original poster
Itrytoohard · 03/10/2016 15:47

Maybe I do dislike her right now but I'm more than happy to have her round and spend time with her.

OP posts:
Original poster
Itrytoohard · 03/10/2016 15:51

if it was costing me a fortune I would want to be allowed to do what I want when I want. But what her ds will or won't pay is another matter so let's not go there haha

It won't be costing him a fortune. Based on what he's earning itll be £150 a month, £100 of which I'll save to give back to him when he moves out. That still leaves him with £350 a month which should be fine seeing as I'm paying his ped insurance so all he has to pay for is his petrol.

OP posts:
Smrendell · 03/10/2016 15:55

So if you don't dislike her as you say then why are you relived she got a job that means you won't see her much?

Marynary · 03/10/2016 15:55

Maybe I do dislike her right now but I'm more than happy to have her round and spend time with her.

No doubt she realises you don't like her though and the feeling will be mutual. It's hardly surprising that she avoids speaking to you.

Mozfan1 · 03/10/2016 15:57

Op I wasn't trying to speculate on what you will or won't charge, bloody hell. You don't need to be defensive. You're avoiding the advice and just jumping on stuff that you take as criticism. Again, that was just my POV. Maybe I should have made it clearer.

Original poster
Itrytoohard · 03/10/2016 15:57

No doubt she realises you don't like her though and the feeling will be mutual. It's hardly surprising that she avoids speaking to you.

She probably does but if she wasn't rude then I wouldn't have a reason to dislike her. If she's just stop acting the way she is then I would start to like her again. Avoiding speaking to me isn't going to help, that's the main reason Im starting to not like her.

So if you don't dislike her as you say then why are you relived she got a job that means you won't see her much?

Because she's been awful recently and I needed a break for her here all the time...

OP posts:
Marynary · 03/10/2016 15:58

Maybe saying she was a bitch about the sofa was OTT but she told DS that she won't bother talking to me if isn't going to get offered a seat and even said to him that girlfriend1 should move so she can sit down

Clearly your DS isn't very discrete. He probably repeats every negative comment you make about her.

Mozfan1 · 03/10/2016 15:59

And that's the point, so if I was paying for all my own stuff and paying rent, I would be a bit miffed with my mum getting on my back about my girlfriend or boyfriend. But the fact that you obviously still fund his lifestyle in a big way is just another reason for it to be the often repeated : my house, my rules.

Original poster
Itrytoohard · 03/10/2016 15:59

I wasn't being defensive. I was just saying him living here won't be costing him a fortune. I'm not ignoring advice, I'm taking it all in but so far the only actual advice is to either be rude back, not going to do that, or give into her. Grin

OP posts:
Mozfan1 · 03/10/2016 15:59

If you need a break then tell your son SHE CANT COME OVER!!!! What are you struggling with op?

Mozfan1 · 03/10/2016 16:00

Well I said be firm and set rules. Tell them all how it is in your gaff and don't take no for an answer. If they can't do what you say then they can't have guests, easy.

Mozfan1 · 03/10/2016 16:01

And I agree, don't be rude back.

Original poster
Itrytoohard · 03/10/2016 16:01

Clearly your DS isn't very discrete. He probably repeats every negative comment you make about her.

I don't make comments about her to DS and he only told me because we was having a talk about him needing to grow up and stop acting like a spoilt brat and he brought it up then to try guilt me into doing what those 2 want.

OP posts:
Marynary · 03/10/2016 16:02

She probably does but if she wasn't rude then I wouldn't have a reason to dislike her. If she's just stop acting the way she is then I would start to like her again. Avoiding speaking to me isn't going to help, that's the main reason Im starting to not like her.

It's a vicious circle though isn't it? Nobody likes someone who doesn't like them. Nobody feels like making the effort with someone who doesn't like them.

Manumission · 03/10/2016 16:02

She probably does but if she wasn't rude then I wouldn't have a reason to dislike her. If she's just stop acting the way she is then I would start to like her again

Remind us who is the adult in this scenario. Shock

Original poster
Itrytoohard · 03/10/2016 16:03

I have told him that she can take come over on this day or this week but that just means he never comes home and when he is home he is vile. We have rules and they work for DS1 and DD but DS2 manages to work around them somehow. I would make stricter rules but surely by this age it's too late?

OP posts:
Original poster
Itrytoohard · 03/10/2016 16:04

This has nothing about being an adult. You can't say that you don't start to think badly of someone who is making people in your home unhappy? I am still polite and welcoming to her, I try not to treat her differently but that's hard when people are rude.

OP posts:
Mozfan1 · 03/10/2016 16:05

Ok! Finally. Right so point number 1

He's out of the house all the time- maybe this is something you are going to have to accept as he is older and has his own life, hard I know

He's vile when he is home- is that her fault aswell? Or is he an adult who can behave however he pleases?

It's never too late while they live under your roof. If you have rules for the harmony of your household they are to be followed by all. He can always move out and find someone else to pay his bike insurance if he doesn't like it.

CrazyNameCrazyGuy · 03/10/2016 16:06

Is there a chance your DD (who also dislikes the GF) 'accidentally on purpose' said something to her about your feelings? For example that you prefer your other DS's girlfriend or something along those lines?

Did the GF originally say hi/bye when she first started coming round and has only recently stopped? If so then I suspect someone may have been stirring the pot.

Manumission · 03/10/2016 16:06

You need to rise above it all and be like Mother Teresa regardless of the moods and sulks of teenagers. Just be pleasant and don't get sucked down to the level of 'she did it first', 'he's being vile'.

Ride it all out as graciously as you can and in a couple more years you'll have a houseful of functioning grown-ups.

Original poster
Itrytoohard · 03/10/2016 16:06

Yes it is a vicious circle but I can only try my best and I honestly do. I always try to be welcoming to her but like I said it's hard when she is acting this way.

I do really like her and think if she would stop being so nasty then she would be a lovely girl. We had a good relationship before and it's a shame things have changed that.

OP posts:
RortyCrankle · 03/10/2016 16:07

I'm not surprised, in my albeit limited experience most children turn into monosyllabic mumbling teenagers - usually it''s not permanent.

Manumission · 03/10/2016 16:08

I do really like her and think if she would stop being so nasty then she would be a lovely girl. We had a good relationship before and it's a shame things have changed that.

Right. So you're the adult, you have to be the one who rises abve it and breaks the vicious circle.

Life will be miserable otherwise.

Mozfan1 · 03/10/2016 16:08

Well that was a really nice thing to say op. You obviously have respect for her relationship with your son. Have you tried ever spending time with just her and the son without the others? I know this is probably hard with your medical problems and having 2 other children and dh to think about, but I guess t could be something to consider.