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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it's polite to say hi and bye when you're arriving/leaving my home?

181 replies

Itrytoohard · 03/10/2016 14:10

I'm fully prepared to be told I am BU based on DS1s looks he gave me Grin but it's been bugging me.

DS2s girlfriend came over late last night, about 10:30ish and didn't say anything as she stood in the hall whilst ds talked to me then ran off upstairs without saying a word. She then came down at almost midnight in her tiny pyjama shorts and Tshirt to say hello and apologise for not saying hi almost an hour and a half ago and said she had to go upstairs and get changed because she was freezing. Yes I'm sure she was so cold she couldnt pop her head round the door and say hello because she had to change out of her freezing cold coat, jumper and leggings into her shorts. Hmm

I wasn't expecting her to come sit with us and chat for hours, no. I knew she wouldn't because me, DP, DS1, his girlfriend and DD were taking up the 2 sofas and she's a total bitch a bit fussy when all the sofas were taken up and expects someone to sit on the floor so she can sit down I just wanted a hello.

Then an hour ago she left for college and didn't even say goodbye. I didn't know she had left until DD said her ped wasn't outside anymore.

I just feel it's rude.

Also, I don't dislike her. I understand my post might look that way but I just needed to vent and she's doing my ducking head in at he mo.

OP posts:
storminabuttercup · 03/10/2016 15:06

I think there's clearly more to it that this post suggests, did you say hello when she came in? I always welcome people in with a greeting if you didn't say hello maybe she didnt know what to say. As for saying goodbye were you up? Are you just expecting a goodbye or a thank you for letting her stay etc?

ImperialBlether · 03/10/2016 15:06

She is treating your house as her own home, so she needs to act as though she's one of the family when she walks into a room and all the seats are taken and sit on the floor. She can't expect to be part of the family (ie living there) and not part of the family when she wants to sit down.

Original poster
Itrytoohard · 03/10/2016 15:07

As for saying goodbye, if you didn't even notice she had gone then maybe you were not about when she left and she didn't have time to run round the house looking for you to day goodbye.

I was, I have been sat in the lounge for hours now haha. I didn't know she had gone as I thought she had just come down to brush her teeth then I realised that I hadn't heard her go back up again and that's when DD said she was gone.

A moped...?

OP posts:
MuffyTheUmpireSlayer · 03/10/2016 15:07

YANBU and I'm surprised at the responses. How difficult is it to pop your head in to say "Hi" and "Bye"? I'd expect my own DCs to do the same when they're older. Yes, every time they come in and out! I had to do the same growing up and it's just polite. We don't live in a mansion and you more or less have to pass every room on your way in or out anyway. DC's visitors should do the same when the DC do.

storminabuttercup · 03/10/2016 15:08

I kept getting an unable to post message I wasn't purposely repeating myself

PrivatePike · 03/10/2016 15:14

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TomHardysWifey · 03/10/2016 15:15

TBH OP I don't think Yabu at all!! This irritates me as well. Although not with my children's girlfriends as I only have a DD and she's 2 so long way to go yet but my brothers girlfriend does that exact same but she's even worse, she doesn't speak AT ALL!! She just comes to mine with my DB and sits their staring at the telly or occasionally passing a glance & its so irritating!! She doesn't say Hi, she doesn't say bye she doesn't talk and when you try and speak to her it's like talking too a brick wall!!!! She's gives you the one word answers that makes you question why your bothering!

Surely it's just respectful that if you are in someone else's house you should say Hi or Bye whether your "nervous" or not? ..

Mozfan1 · 03/10/2016 15:15

Sorry op you said her ped was gone, round here a ped is a moped, have I made a mistake? Oops!

maddiemookins16mum · 03/10/2016 15:18

She could have said hello when she arrived, she did come down though (albeit in her skimpy jim jams 😊). It does sound as if you don't really like her and although you may disagree it's kind of clear there are some tensions between you and she may well feel uncomfortable around you, made worse by the seating situation if she perhaps feels she never gets a seat but others do (petty I know, but I nannied once years and years ago and was "welcomed" into the sitting room of a night but the dad would be sprawled on the sofa and the mum had her work all over the other, I perched on the piano stool for three evening and then just in my room).

PrivatePike · 03/10/2016 15:18

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Manumission · 03/10/2016 15:22

This isn't the DS and GF who were looking to rent a flat, is it? (CBA to AS Smile )

PrivatePike · 03/10/2016 15:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sparklesilverglitter · 03/10/2016 15:23

You think she's a bitch because she's funny when all sofas are taken really that makes her a bitch? I am always awkward at people's houses if all seats are taken by family. She is 17, might be a little shy and a lot of 17 years old wouldn't think to say hi or bye

I don't really see why you have a thing about her saying hi and bye TBH, surely it's your ds she says that too.

Be careful OP or your have one of those mumsnet God isn't my mil awful threads written about you in a few years

myownprivateidaho · 03/10/2016 15:24

Hmm. It seems just as rude for you not to greet her when she came in, but just to start talking to your son. If you were talking to him, and she is at the house often, I actually don't see the harm in her slipping off to get changed rather than hovering awkwardly waiting for a break in the conversation.

This is particularly so since it's your son's house, he pays rent, so as far as she's concerned she's his guest not yours. If she'd never been over before, it would be a lot weirder, but sounds like she's there a lot.

The sofa thing - the sons should be moving for her to have a seat. Not because she's a girl, but because she's the outsider/visitor. I can't imagine having my DH at my DPs house and not finding him a place to sit. Or at the very least someone says, please come in and sit down, sorry there are no chairs but we can chuck you a cushion for the floor.

Without more info, you sound more rude than the gf OP!

PrivatePike · 03/10/2016 15:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NotAsYoungAsIWas · 03/10/2016 15:26

I think hello and goodbye are the very least you should expect. I also get 'thanks for dinner/letting me stay' etc from my DCs boy/girlfriends as well. You are def NBU!

Weightlosstime · 03/10/2016 15:28

You think this young girl is a bitch, because she a bit "funny" when the sofa is all taken up, Hmm really a bitch? A bit harsh I think on that.

Most 17 year olds don't tend to think about these things TBH, it's just the age.

My eldest ds his girlfriend (19) has only just started talking to us properly now they've been together 18 months, she is a shy girl I could see that when he first brought her home so I didn't try and force her in to a hi/bye situation and I didn't call her a bitch behind her back.

Sometimes when you have little relationship experience you don't always know how to act when at the dp house, it also depends on how her parents are maybe they are obsesses with your ds saying hi and bye.

Liiinoo · 03/10/2016 15:30

DDs friends are always welcome here but I made it clear very early on that if some0ne comes in or out of my house I expect them to say hello/goodbye to DH and I. Some of them think I am weird and I have had to tell DDs to remind their friends occasionally but I want to know who is in my home.

Also if there aren't enough seats then it is the youngsters who sit on the floor. That's just basic manners IMO - unless the youngster concerned has mobility problems.

Manumission · 03/10/2016 15:30

Oh Private's right.

You were relieved a month ago when she got a 5-11pm job.

But you think you're concealing your dislike, do you? You won't be. That explains everything. She feels uncomfortable.

Marynary · 03/10/2016 15:31

I think she should say hi/bye but I have noticed that some teenagers aren't that good on social etiquette so I wouldn't feel too offended by it. It seems to go down hill for some once they are past the stage where their parents are reminding them to say "thank you for having me" etc. I have actually heard DD whispering to one of her friends to say hello/goodbye to me because she knows I think it is rude if they don't.

Weightlosstime · 03/10/2016 15:32

Why do you dislike her so much OP?

Is there any real reason for your dislike or are you just one of "them" mothers? you know the ones oh nobody is good enough for my special flower and all girls are bitches

littlemissneela · 03/10/2016 15:35

Yes, just read your other post now. It does sound as if you don't really like her, and she has picked up on that fact. No wonder she doesn't say hello/bye/interact with the family. She still, after living there for was it 2 years you said? that she is still an outsider.
If you do genuinly like her, then I think you need to wipe the slate clean and start again with her. Build up the communication and show her that she is welcome in your home, as it is her home too.

Ragwort · 03/10/2016 15:38

If he's paying to live there then does he have to make him and his guests known to you whenever they arrive or leave?

Surely it's just polite when any member of the family/guest arrives/leaves the home to say hello and goodbye? Confused.

It's not a lodger living there and paying a commercial rent ........... it's your DS and his GF (incidentally does she pay rent too?) of course they should say hello. Can't believe how some people put up with such rudeness no wonder there is such a lack of basic good manners around these days.

Although perhaps it is just acceptable for young people to be rude - I was delighted yesterday when teenage DS stayed with some friends at a sleepover and the mum texted me to say how outstandingly polite and friendly my DS is Blush - proud mother moment

Original poster
Itrytoohard · 03/10/2016 15:44

Oh yeah, and you posted another thread saying you were glad gf2 had got a job with hours which meant you wouldn't see her?

Yeah, that's the only post about her though. Nothing about renting flats or birthdays.

myownprivateidaho I didn't realise she was there and they had both been here for a while before Ds came to speak to me. As soon as I realised I said hey and she didn't say anything. I've also said DSs do move but he was already on there floor. DS2 doesn't pay rent yet so it's not his house just yet.

Maybe saying she was a bitch about the sofa was OTT but she told DS that she won't bother talking to me if isn't going to get offered a seat and even said to him that girlfriend1 should move so she can sit down Hmm

She isn't shy, I've said that multiple times.

And she started acting in this way a while before i started to get irritated by her.

OP posts:
Mozfan1 · 03/10/2016 15:45

Rag I don't disagree with what you've said, it was a genuine question not a dig. Personally I am very polite when going to other people's houses and would expect my dc to be the same. I was playing devils advocate... I only ever paid a contribution while living at home so granted it is a different set up. But if it was costing me a fortune I would want to be allowed to do what I want when I want. But what her ds will or won't pay is another matter so let's not go there haha