Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think this is the kind of shit that will grind a person down and kill a marriage

241 replies

hearthattack · 02/10/2016 17:10

Sorry for the essay. DH has always been thrifty. I'm into it. We both like a bargain and don't believe in status possessions or having too much Stuff.

Be he is sooooo f-ing tight over buying stuff for our son it drives me insane! Angry

I just got back from the supermarket with a warm winter coat that cost a grand total of £9. I was pleased with myself. DH saw the price and made his disapproving 'do we really need that?' face. It's a coat ffs. To keep our 11 month old child warm in the winter. DP has 5 good coats. All of which are excellent quality and were bargain charity shop finds, but still cost more than 9 measly quid.

A few weeks ago we had a massive row about buying DS shoes. I get kids shoes are expensive. But he's walking and needs proper shoes for crying out loud! Right now he's in hand-me-downs a friend gave us. I explained that my mum always said you can't scrimp on kids shoes because you'll damage their tiny feet (my mum died which adds to my frustration because his mum lives just up the road and the way she did everything is the parenting fucking Bible but I have to fight tooth and nail when I disagree and have no mum to back me up). I found some good first shoes in a reputable high street shoe shop beginning with C reduced to £12, and he wouldn't buy them because he thought they were a rip off and DS will out grow them soon.

Until recently I've been a SAHM and so relied on DHs income. I physically had to ask for money to buy stuff, pay bills that were due to come outbid my account etc. I've recently gone back to work part time so can fork out for stuff myself but don't see why I should have to pay for all the clothes/shoes/toys we're going to need for the next 16 years or so .

Mostly it's the principal that really gets my goat . DP thinks nothing of splurging a twenty on a bottle of something nice, petrol to drive out to the country for a walk, anything he deems 'worthy'. But I get The Face for trying to keel our offspring clothes and shod!

(We don't have much money btw, we live pretty frugally in most respects, but we're not in poverty. I perhaps like clothes and nice food more than he does but he spends money on things he enjoys that I think equally facile. But simple pleasures are what life is about and I mostly don't begrudge him. At least I wouldn't if he weren't so judgey about things I don't think are luxuries.)

Who died and made him Keeper of the purse strings?! We've not been married that long and until DS came along had nothing to spend our money on other than ourselves. I find myself shutting down and not bothering to communicate about these things as I'm bored of having the same old rows. AIBU to think this is the kind of stupid shit that lets the rot set in?

OP posts:
JasperDamerel · 03/10/2016 16:33

Sorry about your friend. I'm not as frugal as DP but definitely and the frugal end of the spectrum, and am actually happier with my current situation (by the time we are 45 we will have no mortgage and enough savings that neither of us will need to work if we carry on living frugally, so any work will be to earn fun rather than pay the bills) than I would be to have had skiing trips and jewellery.

HyacinthFuckit · 03/10/2016 16:40

Based on the recent posts, I would just say keep a very close eye on his views and awareness of what children cost. It's fine if this chat with him was a genuine epiphany. Not so much if he now thinks coats cost £9, shoes cost £12, he doesn't need anything else because he's a baby and when he does need thinks they'll be two shillings and sixpence.

Lweji · 03/10/2016 16:43

I think the red flag here is that he's happy to spend money on himself, but not the child. That is weird.
Most parents are more likely to be generous with their offspring than themselves.

RabbitsNap01 · 03/10/2016 17:01

Yes dd's shoe collection is more impressive than mine - my dd thinks Halloween shoes are a thing

hearthattack · 03/10/2016 17:04

Hyacinth that is very wise advice. I think we will be going to get DS kitted out together from now on. Then he can't plead ignorance and will see the effort I go to to find lovely things that don't break the bank. As it is I've just made a massive rod for my own back. Bugger!

OP posts:
Myusernameismyusername · 03/10/2016 17:20

I think that's the key, don't let this escalate into something where you have to justify everything. I think that's what my mum did wrong, she was always trying to pacify him and it just got worse and worse. I don't think my dad ever intended for his obsession with money to make me feel the way it did, it was just his views but it can be hard to get out of this 'children grow so fast' ideal. I just bought my daughter a relatively expensive jacket for her birthday and I did cringe at the thought of her growing out of it in 6 months but then I can let my DD2 wear it, sell it on etc. It's about having an open mind about the cycle of childhood and not a closed view of everything being a waste

HelenaDove · 03/10/2016 17:54

Yep My ex who ive mentioned on this thread liked camping because it was cheap.

Thing is when it comes to school later on in a lot of cases you can only get school uniform from one supplier at the uniform shop. £56 for one blazer for a school here and its a state school not private.

And im childfree by choice yet i realise this so i dont really buy the "hasnt had a baby so doesnt know the cost"

Pisssssedofff · 03/10/2016 18:25

I honestly think child benefit is ear marked for the benefit of the bloody child. I think I get about £60 a month for each of mine when equally split and it goes on the kid or any change in the bank, I'd never think of that as the family budget

Myusernameismyusername · 03/10/2016 18:30

I use my child benefit to pay school dinner money.

UnderTheGreenwoodTree · 03/10/2016 18:43

I think we will be going to get DS kitted out together from now on.

Take him to Baby Gap or John Lewis - let him Shock at the prices, then take him back to the supermarket. He'll be in seventh heaven at the money he's saving Grin

I think a lot of people just can't abide meanness (myself included) - and so can't imagine living a life where you argue about the cost of dc's shoes/coats.

Certainly in my case it was more "I couldn't live like this" than "you must LTB immediately." It is something to keep your eye on though.

buttbutt · 03/10/2016 18:52

You are right to get him involved with the shopping for DS's things. It sounds like he genuinely has no idea how expensive the little blighters darlings are. Also, fwiw, ignore the LTB brigade. Only you know what your marriage is like. My DH errs on the stingy side of frugality, is forever saying "what's it made of? Panda?!". The first few years after having DC involved me setting boundaries and negotiating what was acceptable. But he doesn't have an abusive bone in his body.

Humidseptember · 03/10/2016 18:53

good idea and also simply set aside money for your childs expenses! Put away x amount every month you wont spend it every month.

SpiritedLondon · 03/10/2016 19:08

Sorry I haven't read the whole thread. This is exactly why child benefit is typically paid to the mother ( traditionally). I would ensure that you get that money transferred directly into your account if you have one, or otherwise find a way to separate it from your other finances. You then buy your Clobber and when your husband comments you tell him it's got fuck all to do with him that you have been spending DS's money for the DS. I can't actually stand meanness and I particularly can't stand meanness towards someone's own child when they so clearly look after their own needs. I would find that really hard to stomach actually

Pickled0nions · 03/10/2016 19:12

My dad is this type of man.

I lived only with my dad, and he would basically really scrimp on buying me anything new.
This included socks, underwear etc. In fact the school had to give me lost property because he wouldn't even spend for a uniform.
He never bought food, or toiletries.
To this very day he still does not buy food and any toiletries he does buy he buys for himself and makes sure it's locked away in a cupboard where my younger sister cannot get access to.

Any time we tried to argue that it was wrong, we were quickly made to feel guilt for ever having accused him of being selfish.

He pisses me off to this very day.

If you're all wondering what he actually spends his money on, it's the latest gadgetry, for himself.

Cocoabutton · 03/10/2016 19:17

A bottle of whisky, even if it lasts a while, is a pointless luxury - coat and shoes for DC are a necessity. Good grief, the fact that this needs stating.
I need to read back the whole thread to see what he said about the joint account, but camping with a small child? Only if it is somewhere warm with amenities.

Humidseptember · 03/10/2016 19:19

To this very day he still does not buy food and any toiletries he does buy he buys for himself and makes sure it's locked away in a cupboard where my younger sister cannot get access to

^ Shock are you helpig your sis out, does she have mum live with her too??? sounds so cruel??

HelenaDove · 03/10/2016 19:20

Onions that wont do him a lot of good when he needs care in his old age. Cos im betting neither you or your sister will be providing it .

It is financial abuse of children.

Why hasnt he had a visit from Social Services. Because i have no doubt if it had been your mother doing this the school would have pounced on it.

HelenaDove · 03/10/2016 19:21

Why on earth didnt the school flag it as financial abuse.
Seems to me schools could do with some education themselves.

Pickled0nions · 03/10/2016 19:28

Sorry should have said my sister has my mum helping her and I do too. I often pay for shops to be delivered to their house for her.

I'm incredibly angry the school didn't do more but the nurse was so lovely she really took me in, I am forever grateful for her being there.

Back to the main point, OP please do not let him control what is spent, your child may grow up resenting both of you for being too frugal and for you not doing anything about it.

Pickled0nions · 03/10/2016 19:28

My sister is nearly 19 btw so not a child anymore but still helping her out.

HelenaDove · 03/10/2016 19:30

Onions Thanks

Hope you have the joy of picking his nursing home!

User14625592 · 03/10/2016 19:42

I couldn't live with anyone who was tight. People do spend too much on kids nowadays, particularly treats but essentials like a winter coat?

Pickled0nions · 03/10/2016 19:43

Thanks Helena.

Sad part is I've already been getting incredibly bitter at the thought of having to pay for his funeral.

HelenaDove · 03/10/2016 19:46

Totally understandable Onions.

Wait till he finds out he may have to put something towards his own care.

Lynnm63 · 03/10/2016 20:09

onions

www.purecremation.co.uk
Not sure how to make that a link I'm really rubbishy at these things.
This is a basic funeral for £1k no mourners, no fuss. I dont imagine you'll want to go anyway.
Sorry for hijacking the thread

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread