To think this is the kind of shit that will grind a person down and kill a marriage

[hearthattack]

Sorry for the essay. DH has always been thrifty. I'm into it. We both like a bargain and don't believe in status possessions or having too much Stuff.

Be he is sooooo f-ing tight over buying stuff for our son it drives me insane!

I just got back from the supermarket with a warm winter coat that cost a grand total of £9. I was pleased with myself. DH saw the price and made his disapproving 'do we really need that?' face. It's a coat ffs. To keep our 11 month old child warm in the winter. DP has 5 good coats. All of which are excellent quality and were bargain charity shop finds, but still cost more than 9 measly quid.

A few weeks ago we had a massive row about buying DS shoes. I get kids shoes are expensive. But he's walking and needs proper shoes for crying out loud! Right now he's in hand-me-downs a friend gave us. I explained that my mum always said you can't scrimp on kids shoes because you'll damage their tiny feet (my mum died which adds to my frustration because his mum lives just up the road and the way she did everything is the parenting fucking Bible but I have to fight tooth and nail when I disagree and have no mum to back me up). I found some good first shoes in a reputable high street shoe shop beginning with C reduced to £12, and he wouldn't buy them because he thought they were a rip off and DS will out grow them soon.

Until recently I've been a SAHM and so relied on DHs income. I physically had to ask for money to buy stuff, pay bills that were due to come outbid my account etc. I've recently gone back to work part time so can fork out for stuff myself but don't see why I should have to pay for all the clothes/shoes/toys we're going to need for the next 16 years or so .

Mostly it's the principal that really gets my goat . DP thinks nothing of splurging a twenty on a bottle of something nice, petrol to drive out to the country for a walk, anything he deems 'worthy'. But I get The Face for trying to keel our offspring clothes and shod!

(We don't have much money btw, we live pretty frugally in most respects, but we're not in poverty. I perhaps like clothes and nice food more than he does but he spends money on things he enjoys that I think equally facile. But simple pleasures are what life is about and I mostly don't begrudge him. At least I wouldn't if he weren't so judgey about things I don't think are luxuries.)

Who died and made him Keeper of the purse strings?! We've not been married that long and until DS came along had nothing to spend our money on other than ourselves. I find myself shutting down and not bothering to communicate about these things as I'm bored of having the same old rows. AIBU to think this is the kind of stupid shit that lets the rot set in?

This does sound like it could be financial abuse.

I'd say you need a budget of at least £20 pcm for DCs clothes. Make sure this is available without question.

Oh Nuggy
Great suggestion NannyOg.

Yes, I agree with your OP. This is the kind of stuff that will grind you down and kill a marriage.

Sit him down and ask him if he wants to let that happen.

You're right about shoes, BTW. It's a nightmare but Clarkes etc have us all over an effing barrel.

YANBU! Imagine if you'd had twins (like I did)....bloody double everything! We have loads of second hand stuff - most of the girls clothes, bouncers, playmat, toys, cot mobile, blankets, baby bath and bath seats, cloth nappies.
We bought car seats and a pram new, and the cots/matresses were bought in the sales by our family who clubbed together.

Babies/children don't stop growing and costing money unfortunately and your DH needs to get real!

Get out now it won't get better.

mothercare sell first shoes, they're cheaper than clarkes.

Some men can take a little while to adjust to parenthood

I'm glad I'm not the only one who thought this was a bit ridiculous.

It's hard for women to come to terms with this too, coupled with the battered fanny of course, but we can rise or fall just like the father can rise or fall. It's not a gendered thing, it's an expectations thing.

TellMeStraightHow on earth is £20.70 a week not enough for an baby/toddler/preschooler? hmmIf it has be enough, it's absolutely

For a start it doesn't have to be enough. The child has two parents earning money, one who thinks nothng if sending £20 on a bottle of wine whilst begrudging £9 on his sons winter coat.

Secondly, £20pw is not much for nappies, wipes, food, clothes, shoes, toys, that's without any 'groups' or activities or the big things like car seats, beds, furniture. Funnily enough, he also won't be a toddler for very long.

blimey i had twins and didnt get any hand me downs,oh i wish i had

We each have our own accounts but as soon as DH is paid he transfers over half plus his share of bills to my account (I am SAHM). DH would be as likely to pick up a supermarket bargain for DS as I would, and that's the way it should be, IMO.

I wouldn't get DS shoes without having his feet measured, and neither would DH. The first proper shoe shopping trip should be an exciting time.

This is really sad. He definitely has issues. I would say shoes and a winter coat are basics...not even splashing out on extras. How horribly mean and controlling. Isn't normal op...maybe a sweeping statement but most daddy's I know love buying stuff for their children.

Sorry OP but I think this speaks of his attitude, his upbringing, and how he sees his position in his family as regards his wife and his child.

He thinks he's head of the table. His mum is his touchstone for all that's right. You're seen now as wife and mother, his needs come first.

I kept my dc's first shoes. They weren't cheap, but they probably gave me more pleasure to buy than any I'd ever bought for myself. Most reasonable, kind spirited, loving parents take great joy in providing for their children. Kill joys like your dh don't. He saw that coat and thought 2 bottles of wines.

Your replies have not really addressed any of the comments on here. I hope that if you choose to turn a blind eye to this behaviour that he suddenly changes overnight. I suspect he won't.

My husband is a Yorkshire man. Second only to Scotsmen in the reputation for thriftyness. And he is thrift, but he isn't tight. He might make sure we get the best deals at Aldi and shop around for the best deals online but when DD wanted to join a club at £60 he wrote the check without turning a hair.
I think he's careful with the little everyday stuff so that he knows that the big thinness like mortgage ect are ok and then if we want a treat we can have it.

My dad was exactly the same. He'd count out the pennies in the supermarket then treat my mum to a diamond ring for her birthday.

If your OP is like this he's probably a keeper. But if he's a tightarse miser you'll come to resent him.

Personally I think this is financial abuse. What a horrible way to live. Doesn't he realise that bringing up a child costs money as does living a decent life! It seems to me he has his values all muddled up and needs to focus on you and your son. I was very sad to read this.

Cost of coat and shoes = £21.

Cost of bottle of wine (apparently for him!) = £20.

So it is one or the other. And he has chosen the wine.

Either:-

He has a serious alcohol problem
He doesn't really love your son
Or - he is (as you say) really quite thick and hasn't a clue. In which case I guess he could be educated. Personally my form of "educating" would be to say "You disgusting tosser. Presumably you are happy for us to put all of your coats and shoes away for the next week and you go out without them so you can decide how important they are? If you ever put your need for alcohol ahead of our child's genuine needs again I will leave you. You disgust me."

The bottom line is you aren't happy with the standard he is setting for your child. Beginning of the end imo for any good mother.

Always keep your standards high, especially where your DC are concerned.

seasidesally we bought bundles of clothes from twin selling groups on Facebook and basically begged most other stuff from friends who had singletons, so we ended up with 2 jumparoos from 2 families, both costing us around £30 each. No way can I afford new stuff with 2 babies!!

Dangerous
^he is thrift, but he isn't tight*

You are right, Dangerous - there is a HUGE difference. Thriftiness means no waste - tightness means no necessities.

Username
I also got horribly bullied by other kids because I had no nice NORMAL clothes or shoes and wore crap from jumble sales

I had this, too. Both my parents "liked a drink" and anything other than alcohol was deemed too expensive. It's a bloody awful life for a child. Awful.

I'm thrifty, my kids wind me up suggesting they want to go to Pizza Hut for lunch and watch me splutter about £7 a head for the ingredients for a cheese and tomato sandwich but have happily paid for school trips at £300 a pop.
Your dh sounds nasty. I'd give up more than a £20 bottle of wine to ensure my dd were warm, well fed and well shod. You need to nip this in the bud now as mine a teenagers now and I look back wistfully as the baby/toddler years when they were so cheap. iPhone 6 will freak your dh out when your ds wants one of those.

I couldn't live with a man like this.
£9 coat and £12 shoes?! Total bargains. He will get a shock when it comes to them costing £40 a pair.
If he's happy to splash cash on other things, I'd be airing him down and saying you won't tolerate meanness like this

I am not at all impressed that 'he'll put money in when you ask'. You shouldn't have to ask, if he was decent he'd have long ago sorted a monthly amount that met all needs, joint account aside. I've never managed to bag a pair of shoes for £12 or a coat for £9.

I got my little one fitted yesterday for his second pair of shoes. He has to have quite high ankles as he is good at kicking them off (just turned one). They cost £36. We are poor. Money is always tight, we scrimp and save to make sure we have money for the kids and treats, a camping trip once a year etc. I didn't blink nor did my poor main earner husband. He was just so happy that our toddler had stopped throwing his shoes off and got to feed the ducks on his own at the park today.

So, I think your husband is a financially abusive arse.

There is the stingy about other people element and there is the parent element. I love my
Husband to bits , but if he didn't put our child's welfare before his I would tell him our marriage is on borrowed time.

That is awful. Surely he knows how much shoes cost-where do his own shoes come from??