To think this is the kind of shit that will grind a person down and kill a marriage

[hearthattack]

Sorry for the essay. DH has always been thrifty. I'm into it. We both like a bargain and don't believe in status possessions or having too much Stuff.

Be he is sooooo f-ing tight over buying stuff for our son it drives me insane!

I just got back from the supermarket with a warm winter coat that cost a grand total of £9. I was pleased with myself. DH saw the price and made his disapproving 'do we really need that?' face. It's a coat ffs. To keep our 11 month old child warm in the winter. DP has 5 good coats. All of which are excellent quality and were bargain charity shop finds, but still cost more than 9 measly quid.

A few weeks ago we had a massive row about buying DS shoes. I get kids shoes are expensive. But he's walking and needs proper shoes for crying out loud! Right now he's in hand-me-downs a friend gave us. I explained that my mum always said you can't scrimp on kids shoes because you'll damage their tiny feet (my mum died which adds to my frustration because his mum lives just up the road and the way she did everything is the parenting fucking Bible but I have to fight tooth and nail when I disagree and have no mum to back me up). I found some good first shoes in a reputable high street shoe shop beginning with C reduced to £12, and he wouldn't buy them because he thought they were a rip off and DS will out grow them soon.

Until recently I've been a SAHM and so relied on DHs income. I physically had to ask for money to buy stuff, pay bills that were due to come outbid my account etc. I've recently gone back to work part time so can fork out for stuff myself but don't see why I should have to pay for all the clothes/shoes/toys we're going to need for the next 16 years or so .

Mostly it's the principal that really gets my goat . DP thinks nothing of splurging a twenty on a bottle of something nice, petrol to drive out to the country for a walk, anything he deems 'worthy'. But I get The Face for trying to keel our offspring clothes and shod!

(We don't have much money btw, we live pretty frugally in most respects, but we're not in poverty. I perhaps like clothes and nice food more than he does but he spends money on things he enjoys that I think equally facile. But simple pleasures are what life is about and I mostly don't begrudge him. At least I wouldn't if he weren't so judgey about things I don't think are luxuries.)

Who died and made him Keeper of the purse strings?! We've not been married that long and until DS came along had nothing to spend our money on other than ourselves. I find myself shutting down and not bothering to communicate about these things as I'm bored of having the same old rows. AIBU to think this is the kind of stupid shit that lets the rot set in?

YANBU at all, OP. You're on the receiving end of being financially abused, which is a form of domestic abuse.

Your H sounds incredibly selfish. £12 for first shoes and £9 for a winter coat are bargain prices!

How bloody awful for you. I honestly think you should call Women's Aid to get some impartial, professional advice about the nastiness you and your son are getting off your H.

Thank you Lynn that's really helpful.

Why would you pay for his funeral? You're not obligated to.

I read some stories on here at times and think oh my God, HOW did a man like that manage to get himself a decent wife?!!!

You're right OP the rot will set in. He's a control freak. Treat yourself and your DS when you can, when you feel like it, and don't have a conversation with your DH about it. If at all possible, completely ignore him if he starts going on, why should you wear yourself out arguing about it? You're a grown woman, who made him the boss of your life?

His controlling meaness (which doesn't seem to extend to himself) in relationship isn't going to be a good example for your DS to see as he grows up, I wonder if he will end up resenting his dad's tightass ways anyway

Good luck in dealing with this, although Im minded that people like this don't change. Best you can hope is that you can reach a compromise. & at the very least - he's no business complaining if you buy shoes for your son, thats an essential

Gosh, I'm actually quite stingy (one income, not a lot extra) and I only ever buy 2nd hand clothes for myself, anything new only if it on special, have bought DC Xmas presents on layby/special etc but I would never think twice about spending on DC shoes/coats etc. YANBU

In the early days of their marriage, (10 years ago) my son-in-law would give my DD hardly any money. She was not working at the time,not long out of uni with a good degree,but had been unable to find a job. She had got married,then discovered she was 5 months pregnant the day before she came back from her honeymoon . It became apparent within a few weeks just what a tight-wad her husband was. If she wanted to go out with me,I had to pay her bus fare,as he wouldn't even give her that. His attitude was that if I wanted her to come out with me,it was my responsibility to pay for her. He would never give her money to go out and buy clothes,or anything for herself or the forthcoming baby,he had to be with her if she was spending 'his money'. He was OK about spending the money himself,he just would not give it her to use. He also refused to have a joint bank account with her. The final straw came when she said that the child benefit was going to be paid into HER account,not his. He kicked off about it and I begged her not to give in to him (she didn't). Eventually,it was his own mother who read him the 'riot act' surprisingly. She basically told him that if you get married,are the only earner,and your wife was a SAHM,as well as looking after you and the house,you could not expect to never give your wife any money. There was a huge argument which ended up with him flouncing out and not speaking to his mum for a few weeks,but something must have hit home,as he relented on the joint bank account issue and albeit reluctantly,started giving her money if she needed it. Now,10 years on,she is working part-time,so is not as beholden to him for everything. He still has a rather mean attitude towards money,but thankfully is far better than he was in the early days. It was either that or end up driving my DD away.

Feck me I would have got her out of there, what a dogs life for a bright educated woman

God Janey, how can you bear to see your daughter married to such an arsewipe!

to all the PPs who've suffered an abusive financially controlling parent.

Pickled0nions I had to come on and say that Iirc you don't have funeral costs if you donate your body for scientific research. Sorry it's abit morbid but it's something that I'm thinking of doing when my time comes.

I would have thought that wasn't my decision and would be my dads if he wanted to go down that route. He hasn't said that's something he wants.
I think I am obliged to pay as we're not estranged but this is for another thread.
I'll stop hijacking the thread now :)

Are you also married to my DH?

Believe it or not, my DH is also a bit thrifty (we're Yorkshire folk, so figures!) but he will happily splurge on a luxury things that HE wants.

I however feel like I have to justify buying the kids a new coat. So my mum (who earns a 1/4 of our joint monthly income each month) bought them from a supermarket.
DD needs her feet measured since she last had them done in July. She is 19 months old. I am feeling the pressure not to bother and 'guess' and buy something from the supermarkets which is tricky as they are not well stocked in infant size 4 (or thereabouts).
Christmas is coming up. I have accounted £150 for each child (two) for presents. I asked my mum for her opinion on the budget and she said it was fair. I am not wanting to share that with DH. Though he has never, ever shown any interest in present buying (5 Christmases now) and has never been involved yet EVERY FUCKING YEAR he moans about what I have bought.

I despair. I used to buy kids stuff out of my account when I was full time and DH wondered why I didn't have any money. That was my stupid fault. Now anything for the kids (including days out) comes out of the joint account.

YANBU.

How can you stay with these men

£150 is rather a lot for a baby at Christmas. I'd rather take some of that to use on several decent pairs of shoes and a winter coat my mum didn't have to pay for, then read my dick of a husband the riot act.

And pickled, I don't know what you mean by 'obliged'. But legally, no you are not. There isn't any law saying you have to pay for someone's funeral simply because you share dna with them. Has to be more than that.

He's what I'd call selectively frugal. My ex was like this - begrudged me buying the kids clothes but would happily go out and buy a £500.00 tv or an expensive bike for himself.

I worked full time, but had very little say in what the money that I earned was spent on. I spent years justifying every penny I spent, even though he never returned the favour.

You need to have a serious talk about this with him. As pps have said, his behaviour is very controlling. Any parent that thinks a bottle of wine takes priority over a pair of shoes or a coat for their child, needs to sort themselves out.

Another thing I would add is finding reasonable things cheaply is a lot of effort! I do buy on second hans groups or eBay and sales of course but I have just given up on looking for cheaper shoes that I like for my sons next pair- I don't have the spare time to hunt for that. He needs proper shoes (he's just starting walking) and we are just going to the shop and pay for a pair. Hours of my life that I get back. If your dh regards you super thrift hunting for your ds he needs to acknowledge the effort this takes vs just going to John Lewis, saying fit my son please and buying shoes.