To think this is the kind of shit that will grind a person down and kill a marriage

[hearthattack]

Sorry for the essay. DH has always been thrifty. I'm into it. We both like a bargain and don't believe in status possessions or having too much Stuff.

Be he is sooooo f-ing tight over buying stuff for our son it drives me insane!

I just got back from the supermarket with a warm winter coat that cost a grand total of £9. I was pleased with myself. DH saw the price and made his disapproving 'do we really need that?' face. It's a coat ffs. To keep our 11 month old child warm in the winter. DP has 5 good coats. All of which are excellent quality and were bargain charity shop finds, but still cost more than 9 measly quid.

A few weeks ago we had a massive row about buying DS shoes. I get kids shoes are expensive. But he's walking and needs proper shoes for crying out loud! Right now he's in hand-me-downs a friend gave us. I explained that my mum always said you can't scrimp on kids shoes because you'll damage their tiny feet (my mum died which adds to my frustration because his mum lives just up the road and the way she did everything is the parenting fucking Bible but I have to fight tooth and nail when I disagree and have no mum to back me up). I found some good first shoes in a reputable high street shoe shop beginning with C reduced to £12, and he wouldn't buy them because he thought they were a rip off and DS will out grow them soon.

Until recently I've been a SAHM and so relied on DHs income. I physically had to ask for money to buy stuff, pay bills that were due to come outbid my account etc. I've recently gone back to work part time so can fork out for stuff myself but don't see why I should have to pay for all the clothes/shoes/toys we're going to need for the next 16 years or so .

Mostly it's the principal that really gets my goat . DP thinks nothing of splurging a twenty on a bottle of something nice, petrol to drive out to the country for a walk, anything he deems 'worthy'. But I get The Face for trying to keel our offspring clothes and shod!

(We don't have much money btw, we live pretty frugally in most respects, but we're not in poverty. I perhaps like clothes and nice food more than he does but he spends money on things he enjoys that I think equally facile. But simple pleasures are what life is about and I mostly don't begrudge him. At least I wouldn't if he weren't so judgey about things I don't think are luxuries.)

Who died and made him Keeper of the purse strings?! We've not been married that long and until DS came along had nothing to spend our money on other than ourselves. I find myself shutting down and not bothering to communicate about these things as I'm bored of having the same old rows. AIBU to think this is the kind of stupid shit that lets the rot set in?

I couldn't live like this.

Being frugal is fine but what you describe goes beyond that. Does he realise his attitude to money is really quite extreme or does he think everyone is this way? Initially, reading your OP I wondered whether your DP had grown up in poverty and was subconsciously frightened of being in that place again but the fact that he is happy to spend money on non-essentials for himself suggests he's actually just a selfish twat.

If your DP doesn't think adequately clothing a child is worth spending a bit of money on then what happens if you try to spend some money on yourself? Not out of necessity but just because there's something you want? Watching every penny and being made to feel guilty every time you spend money sounds like a completely joyless existence to be honest and I can absolutely see how that would kill any love and affection stone dead over time.

I couldn't respect (let alone like or want to have sex with) a man who thinks nothing of spending £20 on a nice bottle of something for himself but begrudges his child a £9 winter coat! In your situation I would be seriously considering my options to be honest.

I have a 'frugal' dh. But by frugal I mean he'll rarely buy anything for himself and will suggest we shop at Tesco, Matalan and Primark for ds (and us to be honest). That's what it is, a suggestion. And for the most part I agree with him - kids grow out of clothes so quickly it's daft spending a fortune on them. But ultimately we tend to agree, have equal say and are both at liberty to spend what we please on whatever is needed, provided it doesn't leave us short. He hates how expensive shoes can be and did used to suggest alternatives to Clarks. When ds was learning to walk I wouldn't compromise. Now ds is at school he is getting through shoes at an alarming rate so we meet somewhere in the middle (Clarks are not hard wearing school shoes). £9 for a child's coat and £12 for shoes is cheap as chips. There's a whole world of difference between thrifty and mean. Your dh is mean - with his own child - and demanding of you.

Maybe it's just that he doesn't realise the cost of things for such a little one?
We earn well but when I first read the post I have to say that 9quids for a coat for an under 1 and 12quids for shoes did not seem like a good deal to me. Not OTT at all but not a great deal. Got loads of second hand stuff for the clothes for the kids. As for shoes we buy decent shoes but cost can be a fiver to 15-20quids. Wouldn't have gone to the upper end until kids really walked (let's be honest, how much does a 1year old rly walk?).

So maybe it's just a learning curve for him. And adjusting to having less money because of the child. Some men can take a little while to adjust to parenthood. Maybe that's part of the reason.

I worry about outing myself commenting on this but my father used to give me presents he got out of a skip or that someone was throwing away and give them to me for my birthday or Christmas yet drank £10 of booze every night and had a state of the art home entertainment system. Then when I was older he would cause a massive scene in shops if I was shopping with 'birthday money' for something I wanted that he thought was too expensive. With my ow money

Needless to say I pretty much hated him my entire childhood for making me feel like I was a financial burden whilst being a selfish arsehole.

I also got horribly bullied by other kids because I had no nice NORMAL clothes or shoes and wore crap from jumble sales. And mother never put up a fight because she didn't want the aggro.

It's a really horrible way to grow up as a child, feeling that way and begging for the basics.

CurlyhairedAssassin Sun 02-Oct-16 17:20:14
"Was there any sign of his meanness before you had children? Eg if you went out for a meal did he always insist you go halves? Or if he went to the corner shop for milk and you asked him to pick up a bar of chocolate or something did he come back and say you owed him 85p for the chocolate? Etc etc?"

I once was in a relationship with someone like this. Like jimjamming i played the tape forward , saw what the future would be and i ended it.

Curly ive seen ppl post on here about meanness in the dating stages and ive seen certain posters tell them that "You are only dating so his finances are none of your business" or all sorts of mental gymnastics and excuses to make the behaviour not his fault and to give him a chance.

That's good about the car seat. Nothing wrong with a second hand cot with a new mattress. It does still need sorting out, glad you're going to stand firm now.

My mother always said never marry a mean man or a jealous man

so very very true

even when i was married there was no way my husband would of dictated what i spent money on,i just could not imagine justifying what i spent money on whether it was on the kids/me/home

he sounds a control freak in many ways

make your position clear to him otherwise you and your dc are in for a miserable future

You need to talk about this, and keep talking. Children don't get cheaper. They grow out of things. They grow out of clothes, and shoes, and hobbies. They have developmental needs that can be met entirely by trips to the park, flour and water, singing nursery rhymes and a decent library if you absolutely have to, but it's a damn sight easier to lob some money at it from time to time if you can - try a family trip to the local castle, hardly the bright lights of Monte Carlo, but you'll be lucky to see change from £50. They need books - it's nice to actually own a few. They need some art supplies, and preferably not only scrap paper and a blunt orange crayon. They need more than one pair of footwear; as a rule ds has school shoes, trainers (and he needs proper trainers as he runs a lot and has terrible feet), football boots, wellies with a removable thick lining for winter, and some kind of croc or rock hopper for summer. They need sports kit - ds has been through a taekwondo suit, cricket gear including a helmet, football kit, rugby kit, athletics singlet. They need decent waterproofs if you are going to do outdoor stuff a lot. Unless you really are stony broke, a bike would be good, and bikes need maintenance. He'll have friends, and although nobody would ever say anything about a child turning up without a present to give, tbh people usually do take a present to teach their child how present giving works.

We decided we needed to allocate £145 a month to cover presents, shoes and clothes for all of us, haircuts, termly activities like cricket, and Christmas. I don't find it to be enough tbh, especially now that we're into uniform (for God's sake try to find a primary school without a uniform) but at least we've discussed it and we both know that it's not OK for ds not to be decently dressed and kitted out.

Frogfairy thats incredibly sad. Its heartrending reading posts from ppl who were the child in this kind of situation.

"Some men can take a little while to adjust to parenthood."

This is what i mean by mental gymnastics.

After I left my tightass ex, I met and married a lovely man who would give me and my girls the absolute world. I actually have to reign him in as he can be a bit of a spendthrift, but he has me to balance him out. He had a dreadful childhood where his mum hated him and wouldn't give him lunch money ( but did give his brother), so I get the reason why he is like he is.

Joint account essential.

Agree with the pp - have no idea how people can have a child together but not joint finances.

As soon as my OH and I married we converted all of our accounts to joint - so much less hassle than having to itemise and list out who pays for what each week!

I couldn't imagine having to 'ask' for money even if it was willing given. Joint bank account and pre agreed budget for DC's stuff - done

We all get scared about money sometimes and i am guilt of spoiling mine at the best of times within mh means. but as I am not very well off I always make sure they have food and warmth first but I actually get a lot of pleasure out of seeing my hard earned money being worn by them, keeping them dry and snuggly or being well used like toys and books. Mine love buying rubbish out of a charity shop and we all love primark, I will always shop about for the best deal I just think there is watching the pennies and then there is this type of attitude that kids don't need these things that in my case, became very toxic.
I remember being given things by my mother at Christmas and seeing my dads face with this look and then hiss through his teeth at her 'and how much did THAT cost?' Or getting new shoes and him saying in front of me 'they are going back to the shop tomorrow and we will go to the market' which just made me feel like I didn't deserve anything. And now as an adult I have really struggled with meaningful relationships because I have low self esteem and feel worthless

Well, I wish you the best of luck in actually getting that joint account set up! I have a feeling that 'things' will keep cropping up that will keep him from doing the paperwork.

It's only going to get worse. I think you better have a serious look at the future considering what is happening in the present!

It's a good idea to get all your ingoings and outgoings written down and then thrash out a budget with your husband, pooling all your money into a joint account. You then have some control back.

I think it's demeaning for you to have to ask him for money and justify every purchase.
You're right, his nit picking over your purchases and with holding money, whilst spending on himself, will leave you resentful and will destroy your relationship.
Nip it in the bud.

Nothing helpful to say. I would actually kill him. LTB.

I would actually class that as abusive behaviour. I would have just said "he needs a coat, off you go!" His own son- he has a serious problem. Sadly I don't think this relationship is healthy of viable.

Point out how much of his salary will go on child support if you leave him.

Will probably be more than he gives you now.

I have a feeling that AcrossthePond is right.

We have seen it go through this process on here before.

sorry, i think the reverse, i would never have a joint current account with my DH.

My money is my money, his wages cover the bills, mortgage, phone/internet, utilities, house insurance and his car. Mine covers the groceries, council tax, pet insurance and my car and mine and the kids clothes.

i'll be damned if i ever ask his permission to buy anything for the children.

If he's already a tight arse, a joint account will have him demanding she justify every single penny she spends because 'they' can't afford it.

I tend to agree that the excuses will come thick and fast as to why the paperwork for the joint account will not be completed. Been there with that one... This is abusive.

Maddy DH and I don't have a joint account either. My mum always told me to have my own, in case I needed 'running way money'. She had the same all through her marriage to my dad (50+ years now).

We are open and honest about money, we each know how much the other earns, my DH is a generous soul and makes sure none of us want for what we need. We're sensible about money because we used to be very broke, but there's no meanness of spirit.

My friend living in USA is married to someone like that, only because she's a SAHM by choice and doesn't like or need new clothes etc she seems to think it evens out.

However most purchases are a battle and when I met up with them this Easter in Paris for a holiday we walked miles whilst he searched for the "best deal" in terms of eating out with his wife being really embarrassed about it. We literally trudged from restaurant to restaurant so he got the cheapest deal. I paid for 2 of our dinners in total too for us all. We were out so long (9am to 10pm) with a 13 and 15 year old DD in the cold and then the youngest DD got an infection that required a doctor, she also has ear problems. I'm sure if we had not been exhausted, got to stop more for tea/coffee breaks (very rarely were these allowed if at all!) she wouldn't have got sick. I think wife and husband had a big argument about this after I left... And before they flew back to USA.

I mean we were out 3-4 days (whilst I was there they were there 10 days) 9am to 10/11pm every day. The kids were dragged round art galleries and museums galore, no Euro Disney for them though we did go up the Eiffel Tower (I was petrified of the lift going up even though I'd done it years before!) and a Seine river boat trip, it was certainly not huge fun for them but was "educational".

He's not thrifty, he's financially abusive. Deeply unattractive