To think this is the kind of shit that will grind a person down and kill a marriage

[hearthattack]

Sorry for the essay. DH has always been thrifty. I'm into it. We both like a bargain and don't believe in status possessions or having too much Stuff.

Be he is sooooo f-ing tight over buying stuff for our son it drives me insane!

I just got back from the supermarket with a warm winter coat that cost a grand total of £9. I was pleased with myself. DH saw the price and made his disapproving 'do we really need that?' face. It's a coat ffs. To keep our 11 month old child warm in the winter. DP has 5 good coats. All of which are excellent quality and were bargain charity shop finds, but still cost more than 9 measly quid.

A few weeks ago we had a massive row about buying DS shoes. I get kids shoes are expensive. But he's walking and needs proper shoes for crying out loud! Right now he's in hand-me-downs a friend gave us. I explained that my mum always said you can't scrimp on kids shoes because you'll damage their tiny feet (my mum died which adds to my frustration because his mum lives just up the road and the way she did everything is the parenting fucking Bible but I have to fight tooth and nail when I disagree and have no mum to back me up). I found some good first shoes in a reputable high street shoe shop beginning with C reduced to £12, and he wouldn't buy them because he thought they were a rip off and DS will out grow them soon.

Until recently I've been a SAHM and so relied on DHs income. I physically had to ask for money to buy stuff, pay bills that were due to come outbid my account etc. I've recently gone back to work part time so can fork out for stuff myself but don't see why I should have to pay for all the clothes/shoes/toys we're going to need for the next 16 years or so .

Mostly it's the principal that really gets my goat . DP thinks nothing of splurging a twenty on a bottle of something nice, petrol to drive out to the country for a walk, anything he deems 'worthy'. But I get The Face for trying to keel our offspring clothes and shod!

(We don't have much money btw, we live pretty frugally in most respects, but we're not in poverty. I perhaps like clothes and nice food more than he does but he spends money on things he enjoys that I think equally facile. But simple pleasures are what life is about and I mostly don't begrudge him. At least I wouldn't if he weren't so judgey about things I don't think are luxuries.)

Who died and made him Keeper of the purse strings?! We've not been married that long and until DS came along had nothing to spend our money on other than ourselves. I find myself shutting down and not bothering to communicate about these things as I'm bored of having the same old rows. AIBU to think this is the kind of stupid shit that lets the rot set in?

most adults wouldn't need educating on the benefits of buying proper shoes for their dc, or paying money for child related expenses to their partner. Glad you got it sorted...

I don't think ltb at all, but the discussion you had should not have just covered mechanics like transfer x. It should have covered 'When you say things like that I feel like our small baby is less important than a bottle of wine. I feel disrespected that you seem to assume I am being frivolous instead of a good parent, and that's you don't assume I have bought something very affordable because you know me.' He needs to understand the deeper impact of behaving like that because if you have similar discussions every few months or every year of bringing up a child together even if he agrees every time that he was wrong it will wear very thin for you.

He loathes admitting he's wrong stubborn git but concedes he has been something of a twat.

Come on Mumsnet, that's a win!

We've had a chat. He sees that his spending habits aren't the norm. He needs to educate himself on the costs and benefits of proper kids shoes. We've agreed a budget for Dss stuff and finally both set up a DD to the joint account for all shared expenses. He loathes admitting he's wrong stubborn git but concedes he has been something of a twat.

That's some progress. Pretty odd that he needs to educate himself on the benefits of proper kids shoes but a step in the right direction at least.

Thing is men never really see this stuff do they ?
For 16 years my ex basically thought of ours as still costing what a baby costs.

His mortgage when I met him was £850 a month, that reduced maybe he thought the kids would be paid off too over the same period lol

Glad your getting somewhere op!!

Deffo needs a wake up call because that 9 quid coat won't cost 9 quid at age 7 etc etc etc

I'm glad you guys have had a chat and some light has been shed.

I only hope that should you get a joint account you'll be asked to justify every damn thing that you've spent out of it as it'll be "his" money even more than it is now iyswim (thinking with a misers logic).

*you'll not have to

YANBU

My marriage ended because of this type of attitude. He and I were both working, yet I felt guilty about spending any money at all - £3 for a coffee with friends would worry me; even though he would splurge on a new games console or sound system whenever the mood took him. Stupidly, I trusted him to manage the household budget, and accepted that we "couldn't afford" luxuries like new shoes for me, or a bottle of wine.

When we eventually split, I discovered he had a gambling problem, and had been spending loads on online porn - we were in ridiculous amounts of debt which were eventually paid off with the equity in the family home. He's now remarried and undoubtedly following the same pattern - he turned up with a new motorbike and all the leathers a few weeks ago.

I'm remarried too, and ridiculously happy - we manage our finances together, live within our means and share any disposable income without judging what the other spends it on.

Glad you're getting to him. Could he be more involved in buying the clothes and shoes?
It doesn't seem like he has a good notion of what the children need.

I, too, have a super frugal DP. What makes it worse is that I feel incredibly guilty about asking for money.

What we do is have a quick budget meeting every week. We look at what we've spent and any expenses likely to come up on the next month or so and agree how much it would be reasonable to save that month, and how much we should spend. So the DCs get music lessons and shoes that fit, but we might decide that we will cut out wine for a month, or aim to use up all our leftovers, or save up that frivolous thing we would like for a birthday present. He rarely spends money on himself. I think he's right, and he thinks I'm a frivolous spendthrift but we talk it out and agree on most other things in life, and like each other, so I have no plans to LTB

I don't think he does have a very good grasp of what kids need or how much it costs. He's a had no need to until now, no one else in his family has had a baby since him etc etc. If he was responsible for buying the kids stuff he's probably see my point of view more clearly.

He doesn't moan about me spending on stuff for myself, because he knows I enjoy it. He pays all the bills, pays for days out, the odd pub lunch, stuff I want as you'd expect most husbands and fathers with SAHW to do. He can see the point of those. But a £9 coat I like that fits rather than a £3 one that's a bit ugly or roomy but will keep DS equally warm, he can't see the point of that at all. I think he sees the shoes thing as me being over indulgent or falling for some sort of 'hype'. It annoys me so much because, as someone down thread rightly pointed out, he knows me better than that.

Second hand shoes are really bad for children's feet. Shoes mould around the foot so to wear some old shoes that have adapted themselves to the first child's feet is really bad. £12 very cheap in the C shop! He is really BU.

As for all the LTB stuff, I was angry when I posted and that coloured my tone. The internet's not great for context and I suppose people fill in the gaps to build a picture based on the info they've got. Surely it's ok to take on board the stuff people say that's relevant based on what I know of my life and not feel contractually obliged to leave my husband because mumsnet tells me to? I couldn't feeling some were disappointed that I'm not in a controlling, abusive relationship!

Thanks for all your replies.

i would get a lot of utility out of not seeing my DS in a badly fitting ugly coat, I would explain that to your DH, also, I don't worry a lot about what other people think, but I'd worry that people thought I was happy to have my DS walking around not looking very cared about, there are limits to penny pinching, and a good coat and good shoes are the limit. It's one thing being poor and having no choice, it's horrible to choose to look terrible for your own DC. I'm glad you're not LTB, but he'd wear me out.

if you ask DH to google 'shoes damaging children's feet' the BBC has articles (here's a link)

news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/health/4596961.stm

Rabbits yes, yes and YES! It is exhausting. And sucks the joy out of some precious mummy moments.

God, how can you live with such a mean joy-sucker?!

also if there's one item of clothing it makes sense to spend money on - a coat is it - they should be outside as much as you can manage it because it's good for them, and they wear their coat day in day out so the cost per wear of a coat is tiny, so many of your DS's childhood photos will feature this coat! When your DH is 60, does he want to be pawing through 100s of pics of DS in an awful coat?

If he is happy to spend £20 on a" bottle of something nice" (which I presume is wine) but begrudges £9 for a coat and £12 for shoes then I think he has tipped into the abuse category rather than the 'loves a good bargain' category.
Sorry

^^ couldnt agree more

You have to have similar views on spending money or it will be a constant source of irritation. My lovely friend has married the stingiest man in the world and I just don't know how she puts up with it. But i can see she's not entirely happy and they've only been married a short time. He just doesn't get why you would spend money on jewellery (he's never bought her any, not even an engagement ring), or clothes or a nice meal (he believes in eating at home) or a holiday (he only believes in camping). It gives me the droop just hearing her trying to be enthusiastic about him talking her down from skiing to yet another tent in a field!

I think he sounds like its turned into a hobby with him as well as being cruel.

The best thing to do is assign money for your Dc clothes every month, assign money for - other extras, separately. Then it comes out of that particular account and its not questioned and your not questioned.

In future every month make sure money goes into dc kitty, separate for hols, bills etc. Then you know where you are.

. It gives me the droop just hearing her trying to be enthusiastic about him talking her down from skiing to yet another tent in a field!

Its soul destroying long term its awful.

Yes, I do worry about her. She's the loveliest girl and it's so sad when the rest of us in the group all get spoiled by our partners.

and for anyone in that situation. A really good glass of !

I'd actually much rather be in a tent in a field than bloody skiing! Thought fills me with horror. But it should be choice not obligation of course.

£20 on a bottle of something nice is a bottle of whiskey that will last a while.

Sorry your friend isn't happy