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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think this is the kind of shit that will grind a person down and kill a marriage

241 replies

hearthattack · 02/10/2016 17:10

Sorry for the essay. DH has always been thrifty. I'm into it. We both like a bargain and don't believe in status possessions or having too much Stuff.

Be he is sooooo f-ing tight over buying stuff for our son it drives me insane! Angry

I just got back from the supermarket with a warm winter coat that cost a grand total of £9. I was pleased with myself. DH saw the price and made his disapproving 'do we really need that?' face. It's a coat ffs. To keep our 11 month old child warm in the winter. DP has 5 good coats. All of which are excellent quality and were bargain charity shop finds, but still cost more than 9 measly quid.

A few weeks ago we had a massive row about buying DS shoes. I get kids shoes are expensive. But he's walking and needs proper shoes for crying out loud! Right now he's in hand-me-downs a friend gave us. I explained that my mum always said you can't scrimp on kids shoes because you'll damage their tiny feet (my mum died which adds to my frustration because his mum lives just up the road and the way she did everything is the parenting fucking Bible but I have to fight tooth and nail when I disagree and have no mum to back me up). I found some good first shoes in a reputable high street shoe shop beginning with C reduced to £12, and he wouldn't buy them because he thought they were a rip off and DS will out grow them soon.

Until recently I've been a SAHM and so relied on DHs income. I physically had to ask for money to buy stuff, pay bills that were due to come outbid my account etc. I've recently gone back to work part time so can fork out for stuff myself but don't see why I should have to pay for all the clothes/shoes/toys we're going to need for the next 16 years or so .

Mostly it's the principal that really gets my goat . DP thinks nothing of splurging a twenty on a bottle of something nice, petrol to drive out to the country for a walk, anything he deems 'worthy'. But I get The Face for trying to keel our offspring clothes and shod!

(We don't have much money btw, we live pretty frugally in most respects, but we're not in poverty. I perhaps like clothes and nice food more than he does but he spends money on things he enjoys that I think equally facile. But simple pleasures are what life is about and I mostly don't begrudge him. At least I wouldn't if he weren't so judgey about things I don't think are luxuries.)

Who died and made him Keeper of the purse strings?! We've not been married that long and until DS came along had nothing to spend our money on other than ourselves. I find myself shutting down and not bothering to communicate about these things as I'm bored of having the same old rows. AIBU to think this is the kind of stupid shit that lets the rot set in?

OP posts:
BillSykesDog · 02/10/2016 17:32

LTB. I never normally say that, but that shows an inate selfishness and bad character.

Superstar90 · 02/10/2016 17:32

DC stuff should be a joint expense. You like his frugalness (would drive me mad!) but not the extent of it. Would it appeal to him to have a DC 'budget' each month so you can buy what you deem necessary out of that - no faces or argurments aloud? You both contribute to that budget in proportion to your income?

woowoowoo · 02/10/2016 17:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Superstar90 · 02/10/2016 17:34

Ps having to ask for money to pay bills is just plain wrong. Finances should be shared and equally accessible to both partners in a marriage especially when one can't work as they are looking after a young child on behalf of both parents

Inertia · 02/10/2016 17:36

He isn't frugal, he's just a selfish git who thinks that all money should be spent on stuff that benefits him.

BakeOffBiscuits · 02/10/2016 17:36

So it's fine to spend money on things he wants, which aren't even necessities- wine, petrol for a drive, but he doesn't like you buying his child a pair of shoes or a winter coat?

I couldn't live with a man like that, he's not frugal, he's a mean arsed father and husband.

dietstartstmoz · 02/10/2016 17:37

Christ OP that would drive me insane. You really should nip this in the bud and get it sorted. I also love a bargain but spent £98 on 2 pairs of school shoes in sept and i have no doubt one will need new shoes by xmas.
I spend money on my kids all the time, days out, treats, food, gadgets now they are older. Its impossible not to spend money on children. If it continues he will suck the joy out of everything. He sounds like he has no problems prioritising his interests but the priorities have shifted now and your son and his needs come first and his a definate last.

Ginkypig · 02/10/2016 17:40

Your title is exactly right op.

I don't have better answers than have been given really, but I echo others in saying you and he must get on the same page as in he needs to stop being so fucking petty and stump up for the care of his child!

Oh and one family pot that you both have control of is a must!

Marmalade85 · 02/10/2016 17:41

My ex used to resent paying for formula and nappies but would spend hundreds of pounds per month on expensive Rapha cycling clothes and cycling kit.

jay55 · 02/10/2016 17:41

He'll spend £20 on alcohol but not £9 on an essential like a winter coat for his child?

whirlwinds · 02/10/2016 17:43

we are frugal, but in two areas we buy new: Shoes and jacket. The rest, most of dcs clothes are second hand, is down to price and need. Reason I want new jackets is that I have tried used ones and when something happens we are out of luck. End up buying new regardless so buying good ones right away. Dh prefers new stuff so I am not unlike your dh but I know were the money needs to be spent and if I came across C shoes for £12 that card would be swiped without discussion.

Soubriquet · 02/10/2016 17:43

My ex used to resent paying for formula and nappies but would spend hundreds of pounds per month on expensive Rapha cycling clothes and cycling kit.

What the hell did he think would happen with a baby? That they would be born potty trained and would be raised on air?!

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 02/10/2016 17:44

He is a very selfish man, he will get worse with age.☹️

Crunchymum · 02/10/2016 17:45

He would spend £20 on a bottle of something? I assume wine??? But he wont pay £12 for his childs shoes?

Fuck that shit. He isn't thrifty, he is selfish. And mean.

LumpySpacedPrincess · 02/10/2016 17:45

Do you have access to all your accounts?

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 02/10/2016 17:45

It is sad that you have to show him all your purchases and justify your spending to him, and he gets the final say. Sad

I think you have become accustomed to his controlling ways. He is seriously undermining you. Your self confidence will gradually erode unless he changes his attitude.

ImperialBlether · 02/10/2016 17:46

I would find someone like that deeply unattractive. That level of miserliness and financial abuse and the fact he enjoys spending money on himself but begrudges his first born a pair of bloody shoes would make me want to get to the lawyers fast.

Fizzer123 · 02/10/2016 17:47

He's going to get a shock if he thinks £12 is steep for shoes. Wait until you have to buy logo'd school kit and 'the right' shoes. £55 on my DS school shoes. Anytime he suggests a £20 bottle from now on you need to say "not whilst we can't afford shoes & coat for DS".

TellMeStraight · 02/10/2016 17:47

Keep child allowance separate. That's your DS' money. Use that to buy whatever you think your Son needs.

£12 for shoes ffs! Yes the child needs shoes. Yes he needs a coat. Yes he will grow!!

Your Child Benefit should be more than enough to buy clothes and bday Xmas presents for your DAS. Especially while he's small.

TellMeStraight · 02/10/2016 17:47

DAS? Confused

DS

yougetme · 02/10/2016 17:47

Stingyness is a very unattractive trait in anyone .In a partner it will kill love and respect stone dead.

If this is new behaviour maybe he just didnt realise just how much stuff children need and then need renewing on a regular basis? Did he have anything to do with setting up the nursery and buying clothes ,nappies etc right from the start .Cots and prams dont come cheap even if second hand. Maybe he thought that once out of the tiny baby stage the buying would stop?

Could you set the child benefit and maybe some child tax credits aside just for Ds's requirements? That way his income isnt being affected at all and the money is given by the government explicitly for the child in question.

Although if this step is necessary so that he doesnt get upset at his own child having his needs met there are other huge problems that are probably insurmountable .

HughLauriesStubble · 02/10/2016 17:48

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mortgagefreesoon5 · 02/10/2016 17:48

I like a bargain, we also live frugally, we don't spend money on "wants", I buy second hand, cook from scratch, swap things...you get the picture.We put our earnings on one pot, however within reason it's ok to spend money on certain things things without having to explain.
Life is for living, it's OK to save some but its equally important to know when/how to spend some
I think it's time for a serious convo with your OH to make sure you are on the same page respecting financial goals.
On another note, an old lady once told me to put some of my earnings on a savings account, even if it was 2 or 5 gbp a week, "just in case" she said, and I must say it's quite liberating to know that the money is there if I ever need it.

HumphreyCobblers · 02/10/2016 17:49

What a miserable, mean man.

tiggytape · 02/10/2016 17:50

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