To think this is the kind of shit that will grind a person down and kill a marriage

[hearthattack]

Sorry for the essay. DH has always been thrifty. I'm into it. We both like a bargain and don't believe in status possessions or having too much Stuff.

Be he is sooooo f-ing tight over buying stuff for our son it drives me insane!

I just got back from the supermarket with a warm winter coat that cost a grand total of £9. I was pleased with myself. DH saw the price and made his disapproving 'do we really need that?' face. It's a coat ffs. To keep our 11 month old child warm in the winter. DP has 5 good coats. All of which are excellent quality and were bargain charity shop finds, but still cost more than 9 measly quid.

A few weeks ago we had a massive row about buying DS shoes. I get kids shoes are expensive. But he's walking and needs proper shoes for crying out loud! Right now he's in hand-me-downs a friend gave us. I explained that my mum always said you can't scrimp on kids shoes because you'll damage their tiny feet (my mum died which adds to my frustration because his mum lives just up the road and the way she did everything is the parenting fucking Bible but I have to fight tooth and nail when I disagree and have no mum to back me up). I found some good first shoes in a reputable high street shoe shop beginning with C reduced to £12, and he wouldn't buy them because he thought they were a rip off and DS will out grow them soon.

Until recently I've been a SAHM and so relied on DHs income. I physically had to ask for money to buy stuff, pay bills that were due to come outbid my account etc. I've recently gone back to work part time so can fork out for stuff myself but don't see why I should have to pay for all the clothes/shoes/toys we're going to need for the next 16 years or so .

Mostly it's the principal that really gets my goat . DP thinks nothing of splurging a twenty on a bottle of something nice, petrol to drive out to the country for a walk, anything he deems 'worthy'. But I get The Face for trying to keel our offspring clothes and shod!

(We don't have much money btw, we live pretty frugally in most respects, but we're not in poverty. I perhaps like clothes and nice food more than he does but he spends money on things he enjoys that I think equally facile. But simple pleasures are what life is about and I mostly don't begrudge him. At least I wouldn't if he weren't so judgey about things I don't think are luxuries.)

Who died and made him Keeper of the purse strings?! We've not been married that long and until DS came along had nothing to spend our money on other than ourselves. I find myself shutting down and not bothering to communicate about these things as I'm bored of having the same old rows. AIBU to think this is the kind of stupid shit that lets the rot set in?

No - I just couldn't live with meanness when it comes to the dc. DH is pretty much the opposite, spends anything on the DC but has to be practically encouraged to spend it on himself.

Our dc have always had decent coats and shoes, I will not scrimp on those. So it's Clarks generally (and a whopping £100+ bill when it comes to buying the 3 of them school shoes for September).

You need to have a serious chat with him and tell him your DS needs decent stuff, and that a £20 bottle of wine (lovely as that is) is not as important as shoes and coats for your child.

I agree with tellmestraight, putting the child benefit aside for your sons clothes/shoes/classes/treats and making it plain that it is his money is a good idea.

Totally agree. Alcohol is more important to him than his child's feet. Disgusting.

Keep the child benefit for his needs. But I would not stay with him.

How was he before DS & when buying baby essentials like say cot/buggy/nappies?

Why did you have to ASK for money when you were on MATERNITY leave? Is it not his baby? Are you not a FAMILY? Why did you put up with that?

Are you telling me that he is assuming that you are to buy nothing until the child has finished growing? Just in case they grow out of it?

What is the child going to wear if not clothes and shoes?

Child benefit alone is not going to cover the costs of a child. IMO if you make a big deal if that he will see it as being 'enough' and yiu being frivolous if you spend more & for you to pay for it.

Was DS planned? How did he think you were going to clothe a growing child!?

AIBU to think this is the kind of stupid shit that lets the rot set in?

YANBU.

What an awful joyless existence he's trying to inflict on you and your son. I can't get my head around someone who begrudges £9 being spent on his son.

I could not live with someone like this.

Personally I couldn't be with someone who would be grudge my children's basics items such as clothes and shoes.

How on earth is £20.70 a week not enough for an baby/toddler/preschooler?

If it has be enough, it's absolutely more than enough IYSWIM

There is a seriously strong whiff of the "financial control" aspect of domestic abuse here.

I hope very much that it's just that he's stingey and needs a reality check but you should be equals in a marriage, not asking him for pocket money and living in hope/fear that he may or may not choose to fund x, y or z.

He sounds like a mean spirited wanker so no, YADNBU.

It's not just about liking a bargain. He's being abusive and controlling by witholding necessaties from his child and making you beg for money for basics. You literally told him that scrimping on children's shoes could damage your son's feet but he doesn't care. He thinks that buying alcohol is more important than buying your son shoes or a warm winter coat. That isn't stupid shit, it's pretty important!

Alarm bells would have been ringing for me from the point of being a sahm and having to "ask" for money. All income should have been shared or at the very least both parties should have equal access to money and equal spending money.

divorce him and get child support

Could you set the child benefit and maybe some child tax credits aside just for Ds's requirements? That way his income isnt being affected at all

I think she'd be better off leaving him tbh. Going to those lengths to make sure her DH's finances aren't 'inconvenienced' by the expense of having a child is just kicking the problem further down the field.

YANBU - this is the kind of thing that will grind a marriage down. It sounds like your H thinks he's in charge - is he? There have been some good suggestions on here, but if deep down you believe he has the right to act this way, he will carry on. Can you copy the text from your opening post and give it to him to read? (Rather than showing him this thread) Would he read it and be prepared to think about things and change?

It killed a relationship for me. We were engaged, very much in love and a great couple except when to came to money. I am in no way a spendthrift but my ex counted every penny all the time, even though he was earning a good salary. So tiresome. We hit a tough patch & I knew that it was sink or swim time for the relationship. I played the tape forward to kids, the cost of shoes, school trips, xmas presents etc & imagined the struggle over each & every pound spent. My spidey sense told me that he would never change. So I called it off Years later, I now believe being tight with money indicates a meanness of spirit. I love the fact that spending money wisely can be a gift to family & friends. A decent pair of school shoes for my DS, great food & drink served at a party, flowers sent to say thank you

He's not thrifty, he's a miser.
You need to lay down some ground rules, he has to give you housekeeping up formt evey month withour being asked.

YANBU, there's frugal and then there's just plain stingy. I can be quite frugal at times, dp is the opposite and tends to spend first and think later. I sometimes need to remind him that we have bills to pay, and he reminds me that it's okay to spend a bit of money on myself occasionally - we balance each other out.

Our dc always get what they need, we recently spent nearly £30 on winter coats for of them and dc2 will need new shoes soon. When you have dc you come to expect that they need this kind of money spent on them. I have and never will begrudge them, we are their parents and our job is to provide what they need.

Sounds like he's happy to spend money on himself but not when it comes to his child. Your dh needs to realise that kids cost money and to stop being a stingy twat.

Mean with money, mean with spirit

I think your decision to make yourself financially dependent on a man like this will be your hugest mistake

OP you need to have a serious discussion or try to get mediation. This is one of the issues that killed my love for my XH. Our situation was that I was the major breadwinner. All our income save "spends" was put in a joint account for bills and saving. We both had an equal amount for spending which was to cover all personal expenses including clothing, toiletries, hobbies etc. (My argument that a woman's personal expenses were greater was ignored but he was coercive and controlling). When our DC arrived I was expected to pay for all the costs out of my spending money! He would not even contribute to birthday and Christmas gifts! Any request for help with more expensive items was declined. Meanwhile he'd indulge himself with clothes and hobby equipment.
After we split up he paid the minimum maintenance and refused anything extra for DC and birthday and Christmas gifts were all second hand and shabby clothing (which were totally unsuitable and were binned).
Finally when DS was 14 he arranged for a 10+ year old pic to be delivered -- think vintage and huge and ex commercial office .When I told him DC not able to use it he decided to cancel Christmas contact. That was the end of their relationship and after nearly 20 years DC has no interest in reviving it, to xH's disappointment.
Many other issues but the financial one was huge. Felt like DC not really valued to the point where he'd spend even modest amounts on child which surely reflects the paternal investment.

Not thrifty. Controlling and potentially financially abusive.
This needs to be nipped in the bud NOW.

Jesus, that is disgustingly tight.

Ignore. Ignore ignore ignore.

He has no right to be so tight.

Not very nice is it. I'd have a fit if it were my oh
If you get child benefit, put it away and then buy what your child needs from that. See what he thinks about that

WTAF is that going to achieve? That's just pandering to his nonsence, she needs to find a soloution that means she's not fully financially liable for all the childs needs not one that encourages that attitude

Sounds like someone I know. Thinks nothing of spending 40 quid on cigars for the week,but went off the deep-end when his wife spent 10 quid on a pair of shoes that were in a sale!

This is financial abuse. He is controlling you with money and not stepping up to contribute his fair share to the financial needs of HIS child.

You have to lay it out for him. He is being mean and miserly, and if it doesn't stop immediately, without bitterness and attitude, he can pay child support and live elsewhere.