To think this is the kind of shit that will grind a person down and kill a marriage

[hearthattack]

Sorry for the essay. DH has always been thrifty. I'm into it. We both like a bargain and don't believe in status possessions or having too much Stuff.

Be he is sooooo f-ing tight over buying stuff for our son it drives me insane!

I just got back from the supermarket with a warm winter coat that cost a grand total of £9. I was pleased with myself. DH saw the price and made his disapproving 'do we really need that?' face. It's a coat ffs. To keep our 11 month old child warm in the winter. DP has 5 good coats. All of which are excellent quality and were bargain charity shop finds, but still cost more than 9 measly quid.

A few weeks ago we had a massive row about buying DS shoes. I get kids shoes are expensive. But he's walking and needs proper shoes for crying out loud! Right now he's in hand-me-downs a friend gave us. I explained that my mum always said you can't scrimp on kids shoes because you'll damage their tiny feet (my mum died which adds to my frustration because his mum lives just up the road and the way she did everything is the parenting fucking Bible but I have to fight tooth and nail when I disagree and have no mum to back me up). I found some good first shoes in a reputable high street shoe shop beginning with C reduced to £12, and he wouldn't buy them because he thought they were a rip off and DS will out grow them soon.

Until recently I've been a SAHM and so relied on DHs income. I physically had to ask for money to buy stuff, pay bills that were due to come outbid my account etc. I've recently gone back to work part time so can fork out for stuff myself but don't see why I should have to pay for all the clothes/shoes/toys we're going to need for the next 16 years or so .

Mostly it's the principal that really gets my goat . DP thinks nothing of splurging a twenty on a bottle of something nice, petrol to drive out to the country for a walk, anything he deems 'worthy'. But I get The Face for trying to keel our offspring clothes and shod!

(We don't have much money btw, we live pretty frugally in most respects, but we're not in poverty. I perhaps like clothes and nice food more than he does but he spends money on things he enjoys that I think equally facile. But simple pleasures are what life is about and I mostly don't begrudge him. At least I wouldn't if he weren't so judgey about things I don't think are luxuries.)

Who died and made him Keeper of the purse strings?! We've not been married that long and until DS came along had nothing to spend our money on other than ourselves. I find myself shutting down and not bothering to communicate about these things as I'm bored of having the same old rows. AIBU to think this is the kind of stupid shit that lets the rot set in?

Yanbu, he sounds awful, I really feel for you dealing with this.

*How on earth is £20.70 a week not enough for an baby/toddler/preschooler?

If it has be enough, it's absolutely more than enough IYSWIM*

But it doesn't have to be enough, does it, if there's money for £20 bottles of wine? Why should OP and her baby live like paupers, barely affording the essentials, when the other parent has whatever he wants?

All the people telling the OP to leave? I would assume she will have a hell of a lot less money as a single parent working and paying for child care.

I would give him the benefit of the doubt to start with, and sit down together and work out a budget, and who is responsible for paying for what. We've never had joint finances, although we have a joint account for paying bills.

We decided early on that DH would be responsible for bills, main food shop, petrol and his pocket money. I would be responsible for kids clothes, shoes, presents for kids and family, and saving for holidays etc. We split the mortgage 70/30, but I would put an extra overpayment in if I had a good month.

Obviously it wouldn't work for everyone, but I don't do asking for money so this way worked for us. If the kids needed stuff, I bought it. No discussion or faffing about.

YANBU. My DH is the same and it infuriates me!

You are so right.

He's being a tight arse, and mean to his own child.

I would list the things he buys for himself and ask him why he feels his wine or trip out is worth more than his child's feet or comfort in the cold. Then call him a prick because he's pissed me off.

I am very happy to see that most women think this is appalling. I was married to one of these (verbally abusive alcoholic on top) & he would haggle over every penny not spent on himself (would see nothing wrong in having a £20 bottle of wine to himself every day but shouted at me in Sainsbury's for wanting to buy a newspaper - this was about 20 years ago, hence paper newspaper urges).

Mine is still a selfish git. When we divorced the kids would come back from having been out w him & to make conversation I'd say "did you have a lunch?" & they'd say "we had chips! Dad had fish & chips cause he didn't have enough money to buy us fish!"

YANBU.

YANBU TO THE MAX!!

He, in the other hand is being totally ridiculous. I know some people get obsessive about not spending money, but my god!

And why is he deemed "keeper of the purse strings". That in itself would do it for me. Has he ever heard of what's mine is yours - you know, the kind of respect most marriages are based on? How people can have a child together, but not a joint bank account is beyond me.

You are absolutely right and he has to get a grip because no good can come if this miserly attitude.

Bloody hell he should try being married to me op. I've got a girl. Girls like clothes and shoes. Dds first real word was "shoe" and I'm not joking. She does loads of activities, has 3 sorts of dance shoes, riding boots and rugby boots. Now that she's older, I'm hoping they'll only need renewing annually. I sell the smaller ones on.

What a miserable git. A decent pair of shoes and a coat are a must and as your ds gets older, he will need more than one pair plus wellies. My dd has wide feet and narrow heels so supermarket shoes are out of the question unless they are for parties or school PE as the trainers often come up wide.

Thrifty & stingy are not the same thing.

He sounds awful

He is being thoughtless, clueless and frankly thick, rather than purposefully controlling or abusive. Though I will show him that link - he will be horrified!

He's not been like this until now. I think he's gone through life avoiding having to spend money on stuff he can get cheaper. I once showed him how much a new sofa is and he was flabbergasted! Things except car seat and cot mattress were all second hand (fine by me) so I think he's just genuinely shocked at how expensive kids are. I did tell him! He does tend to think he's right about stuff...

I think there's a values thing going on too. His parents played at being impoverished when they were younger, but mummy and daddy lived next door and were minted so there was never the threat of real poverty. My parents were constantly hard up and has nothing to fall back on. They worked damn hard to give us what they could for fear that one week soon they wouldn't be able to afford to. Thing like no central heating were a lothesome hardship to my family but a romantic bit of self denial for his . I think those differences have influenced us more than we thought iyswim.

I know of a family with a young child where the husband kept all money to himself. He would go shopping and buy food and cigarettes for himself, nothing for the wife or child. Wife's mother had to help and went out to buy wife a pair of shoes when she could not leave the house because her only shoes had broken. Also had to buy sanitary towels for her.

That man was my father and this was nearly fifty years ago. You never forget such cruelty. Please OP I hope you can either sort this out with your husband or ltb for the sake of yourself and your son.

Sorry for the rant but this a hit a raw nerve for me.

He's never quibbled when I ask for money either. He'll happily lump some in my account then and there. We've not needed a joint account before DS was born and have both been lazy about getting the paperwork done. I think that has to happen and sharpish.

I'm surprised he spends £20 on a bottle of wine which goes from bottle to bladder to bog in a few hours but balks at spending a tiny £9 on a winter coat that will hopefully last his baby all season.

Any decent parent prioritises their children over and above themselves.

I find the fact that he doesn't very worrying. Children get more expensive as they get older.

I couldn't love a mean man.
I really hate meaness.

His values are skewed. Babies don't need much but they do need adequate clothing, decent shoes (I would not buy second hand shoes unless absolutely financially necessary) and safe baby equipment.

You need to have a chat with him and explain that his child needs to be his priority and you need absolute equal access to household money. You can then set a budget, decide together how to spend, but no way should you have to waste your time defending a pair of shoes for a child.

My mother always said never marry a mean man or a jealous man ...

Completely agree with everything everyone else has said OP. And also agree with you that new fitted shoes are a must (despite MIL presenting me the other with a bag of DH's battered old toddler shoes she's been saving for 27 years 'just in case' and telling me DS would still get plenty of wear out of them. )

So as an aside to the issue of your H being a knob, what we tend to do re shoes is go to a proper kids shoe shop to get DS fitted by someone who knows what they're doing, then buy from the Startrite eBay outlet which sells off the ends of old lines. I got his current pair of autumny boots for £9.99 and apparent last year they were more than £50 new . I feel bad doing it but he needs proper shoes and we simply couldn't afford them otherwise at the rate he grows. So not a solution for your H problem, but possibly something to make shoe-purchasing less stressful next time...

Yanbu. He's not thrifty, he's tight as fuck.

A friend of mine was like this, we all questioned it and she was all 'oh no it's fine he just doesn't like wasting money' blah blah blah.

Then she rung me in tears when their baby was 6months old as he had shouted at her for buying next size up clothes in the sale, as 'baby didn't even need them yet what the fuck was she buying them for' Then bought himself a brand new bmw..... she saw the light and realised he was a nasty mean fucker, she is now a single mum to a lovely 3 year old.

I'm not saying LTB but have a very good think about what the rest of your life will be like.

YANBU. It'd do my head in. My ex was the same and we never had kids! He was awful when it came to joint spending and I was lucky to be earning enough to build up some savings for when I left him.

Sit down and talk to him.

This is his son you're talking about. What kind of father doesn't want to pay his way towards his son's needs?

Serious talk needed to adjust his values. He also needs to do some research to find out how much things really cost.

The second hand car seat concerns me - can you be 100% sure it has never been in a crash?

We had very little money when the DDs were born, they had most of their stuff second hand, but when we needed to spend, we did it and neither of us complained because we chose to have children.

The car seat is not second hand. Nor is the mattress.

I left a controlling twat like that. He complained about the amount I spent on DD1's birthday. Luckily I was working so I bought more than the £5 he wanted to spend .. Mainly cause he didn't have money to go to the pub.

OP - I'm glad you're going to sort out a joint account. Sooner the better, I would say and his reaction to you pushing for this will be very telling.

Good luck and once the account is set up, don't pander to any lunatic attitudes from him about things you know your child needs. For basic things like coats and shoes, you don't need to consult him at all tbh.

FrogFairy that's awful. Your poor mum, poor you.