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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH overspending or am I ungrateful

249 replies

Waiting4cakes · 01/10/2016 20:04

Usually on Saturday DH drops me off at the supermarket then takes the DCs swimming. I get all the food shopping from two different supermarkets. Then I meet them in the cafe of the supermarket and we all have lunch.

However today I was feeling really ill this morning so he kindly offered to get the shopping after swimming/lunch. I said he could drop the DCs back here then go back to do the shopping if he wanted but he insisted it would be fine.

So I made him a list of things we definitely need but he said he knew what else to get. Which I assumed he would as well.

He arrives home with loads of stuff. He couldn't actually fit it all in the boot of the car he had that much so the DCs had loads of it on their laps. When I saw it I told him he had bought too much as usually it fits in the boot. He said he had only bought a couple of extras.

He was bringing it in and I was putting it away. There was loads of extras. It wouldn't all fit in the cupboards or the fridge/freezer. I found the receipt in one of the bags. He has spent over double what I usually spend.

I asked him why he had spent so much. He was full of excuses mostly that the DCs wanted stuff and he picked up stuff he fancied and he was doing a good thing for me and I wasn't being very grateful.
I thanked him for going but told him he had gone totally over the top and lots of it wouldn't get eaten.

He eventually muttered about maybe he had spent a little too much but he is still sulking now because he tried his best.

So AIBU or am I really ungrateful.

OP posts:
LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 02/10/2016 11:45

If she went shopping and spent over budget I meant, but I'm sure you knew that

Queenbean · 02/10/2016 11:56

I think it's shit that he's been such a useless man that he's way overspent the budget and didn't realise it. It puts the onus on the woman to correct it / knows he's done such a crap job he might not be asked to do it again

However, I couldn't get worked up that he bought himself treats and a load of cereal. It's not like cereal goes off.

I do wonder how some women have worked themselves / some men have worked them in to this position of the woman having intrinsic life skills and the man just potters along being generally useless. It's sort of a "I'd rather do this myself because I know you'll definitely fuck it up" type thing

Pagwatch · 02/10/2016 11:57

I did know that Livia, but my point remains - she hasn't gone over budget because it's a basic principle of doing the shopping.
If he had a go at her for blowing their budget by spending excessively on 10 boxes of cereal, he would have a point if his reaction was 'what the fuck did you do that for?'. Equally he might say 'oh well - no worries ' which is probably about right imho.

It's pretty unlikely though that his reaction would be 'I'm so sorry. I was unwell. you had to walk all alone around the supermarket and remember that we don't generally eat 10 boxes of cereal in a week. I'm really really sorry"

JustSpeakSense · 02/10/2016 12:19

I think it was very sweet that he offered to do the shopping and take the kids. I think it's funny that they got so carried away in the shop Grintry not be too hard him.

CockacidalManiac · 02/10/2016 12:55

Why is it 'very sweet' for him to do a basic everyday task?

Sendcoffeeandchocs · 02/10/2016 13:07

Yanbu
He obviously just threw random stuff in a trolley without really thinking.
However, if he didn't have a list or a meal plan to shop for he was probably just guessing. It's unfortunate as he was trying to be nice, but frustrating that he has probably wasted money and food.

Sendcoffeeandchocs · 02/10/2016 13:09

Btw, my OH does the big shop and I do top ups. he goes with a list we make together but somehow always comes home with loads of craft beer that wasn't on the list Confused

JacquettaWoodville · 02/10/2016 13:10

"However, if he didn't have a list or a meal plan to shop for he was probably just guessing. "

He had a list of the essentials and said he could do the rest. See the OP.

Florathefern · 02/10/2016 13:15

It's not sweet of the DH to shop but neither is it nice for the OP to be so controlling. It is a weekly grocery shop, not a house purchase. Get some perspective!!!

JacquettaWoodville · 02/10/2016 13:16

If DH was ill and OP took the kids swimming but was late so they missed half the lesson, and her DH asked her (mildly!) when she got back why she didn't leave earlier, and she stropped about saying that she did a nice thing for him and he should be grateful, then came on here to describe what happened, she wouldn't get advised to wait for him to apologise and told that he should be calling the pool to arrange a top up lesson for the time missed, she'd get asked why she didn't get her shit together and what her plan was to get the kids taught the skills they'd missed.

JacquettaWoodville · 02/10/2016 13:19

In what way is she being controlling, Flora? How could she have phrased her "why did you buy so much" query to fit with your notions of wifely seemliness? Does she need a tinkly little laugh?

Nan0second · 02/10/2016 13:27

Another one glad that I have a partner and not an extra man-child.

It's not lovely or a favour to do a job for the family in which you live in. It's life.
Suggesting that the OP boils apples or starts baking when she is already ill is just mean.
Anything that doesn't fit needs to go back to the shop. Say it was bought in error and get a refund.
I can't believe people made you feel you should apologise!!

Gileswithachainsaw · 02/10/2016 13:34

Good grief why is it a favour or something nice for him to do the bloody shopping. Presumably he eats the food?

It's a basic life skill and how stupid do you have to be to buy twice as much and spend twice as much when you both agreed on the budget in the first place.

10 boxes of cereal. Unless your the dugger family on why planet would he honestly think that was normal.

He's taking the piss

Florathefern · 02/10/2016 13:40

No she doesn't need a tinkly laugh. I don't believe in 'roles' either and I'd give the same response if a man had written the original post. It is just grocery shopping. The topic is as mundane as mowing the lawn. I'm baffled by how indignant ppl are that one person shops differently to another. It is not a big deal. I'm starting to envy the few worries some people have when buying too much cereal constitutes a big deal.

JacquettaWoodville · 02/10/2016 13:44

Flora

The indignance is not about his cock up. Nobody is perfect.

It's about the insistence on this thread and including his own when the OP spoke to him, that he did a nice thing and the OP should be grateful. And the further suggestions that OP should meal plan him out of the cock up.

Lockheart · 02/10/2016 13:48

There is "shopping differently" and then there is "overspending by 100% and eating too far into the budget, pandering to the kids and not parenting effectively (he could have told them to choose 1 box each, not allowed them to pick out 10 between them), and not dealing with the fallout (i.e having to rearrange all the storage space and work out all the meal plans)".

One is fine, the other is not - because it has negative impacts on others. Despite how well-intentioned it might be.

I'm just amazed at how he managed to fit it all in the trolley.

Pagwatch · 02/10/2016 13:50

Cocking up the shopping is not a big deal

The posters falling over themselves to encourage the op to apologise to him and be grateful that he did a 'nice thing' is weird.

if I said 'oh bless your heart for trying. Thanks' to my DH for doing the shopping he'd be pretty fucked off at being talked down to like a bloody child.

BackforGood · 02/10/2016 13:54

I don't see why you should have to be so grateful to him just for doing the food shopping one time. He normally gets to go swimming while you do it!

Good grief, I'd go to 7 supermarkets above sorting the dc out at swimming lessons / going swimming Grin

It's not 'sexist' or '1950s housewife' to divvy up the jobs as parents. It's just sensible time management.
It does sound like your dh was extreme, but, for me, this would just be something we'd tease him about forevermore. His intention was kind, even if his execution wasn't great. If it's not sent you overdrawn / meant you can't pay another bill, then laugh about it.
Cereals etc will store - anything that will go off before you can get to eat it can be donated to somewhere that can use it (cafes springing up all over where they just cook what the supermarkets are throwing out / foodbanks /homeless shelters - or individuals, etc.).

m0therofdragons · 02/10/2016 13:54

Yabu for doing a full shop in two supermarkets on a Saturday - bonkers. But then I do it in 10 minutes on my app.

Florathefern · 02/10/2016 13:54

The idea that 'perfect' is organising, planning, writing shopping lists that must be followed at all costs (namely not for financial reasons). Your idea of 'perfect' is my idea of dull as dishwater. I don't care who wrote the list, who did the shopping. It is ONE weekly shop.

GinAndOnIt · 02/10/2016 13:56

I think it was kind of him to do it all. Not because I think food shopping is the woman's job, but because he took on extra jobs this week so the OP could rest. Don't we all have our own roles in the running of the home/life?

DP and I both have roles in the home that we are good at, and both have things that we are rubbish at. For example, I'm good at cleaning, and DP is good at car maintenance. So those are our own jobs. Yes DP uses the bathroom I clean, but I use the car he maintains. If I wasn't feeling well enough to clean the bathroom, he would do it, and would probably use 10x more products than I, or use the wrong cleaner for the mirror, and would openly admit he doesn't do as good a job. But I'd be grateful because it saved me doing it. If my car needed more oil, and DP wasn't feeling well, I would do it. I'd probably have to ask a lot of questions about where is the oil, which one do I use etc and then take 5x longer than he would to do it, but he'd be bloody grateful that he didn't have to do it when feeling crap.

WetPaint4 · 02/10/2016 13:56

You shouldn't have to be grateful, the man is part of a team that runs the household and if he has to take on a slightly different activity to help it run more smoothly occasionally, so be it. This ain't something he's done for you personally, this is a family requirement. And yes, you should be able to point out if he's been a complete idiot about it. We've all overspent but this is child in a toy shop territory. He's not brand new, he's a grown man. I'd be totally confused to find a man struggling with something so basic.

JacquettaWoodville · 02/10/2016 13:57

If that's to me, Flora, you've missed the point of what I said.

Gileswithachainsaw · 02/10/2016 13:59

Doesn't matter cereal keeps.

Wtf are you supposed to do with it while it's "keeping "

There's barely room for what we need to be stored in my house. Without having to find room fir 10 boxes of cereal

Pagwatch · 02/10/2016 14:01

Sharing the roles is sensible. Taking on extra when one of you is ill is also just part of that.

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