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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH overspending or am I ungrateful

249 replies

Waiting4cakes · 01/10/2016 20:04

Usually on Saturday DH drops me off at the supermarket then takes the DCs swimming. I get all the food shopping from two different supermarkets. Then I meet them in the cafe of the supermarket and we all have lunch.

However today I was feeling really ill this morning so he kindly offered to get the shopping after swimming/lunch. I said he could drop the DCs back here then go back to do the shopping if he wanted but he insisted it would be fine.

So I made him a list of things we definitely need but he said he knew what else to get. Which I assumed he would as well.

He arrives home with loads of stuff. He couldn't actually fit it all in the boot of the car he had that much so the DCs had loads of it on their laps. When I saw it I told him he had bought too much as usually it fits in the boot. He said he had only bought a couple of extras.

He was bringing it in and I was putting it away. There was loads of extras. It wouldn't all fit in the cupboards or the fridge/freezer. I found the receipt in one of the bags. He has spent over double what I usually spend.

I asked him why he had spent so much. He was full of excuses mostly that the DCs wanted stuff and he picked up stuff he fancied and he was doing a good thing for me and I wasn't being very grateful.
I thanked him for going but told him he had gone totally over the top and lots of it wouldn't get eaten.

He eventually muttered about maybe he had spent a little too much but he is still sulking now because he tried his best.

So AIBU or am I really ungrateful.

OP posts:
saladcreamwitheverything · 02/10/2016 04:25

We would easily get through 5 bags of apples in this house!! And bananas!! (2DCs) Someone upthread mentioned a "glory shop"...I'd love a glory shop! Spending my hard earned cash Dale Winton style....unfortunately don't get the chance as I work 5.5 days a week....and the other 1.5 days I spend doing fun things with my children or housework because SAHD is far too busy.....

JacquettaWoodville · 02/10/2016 08:51

Flora

The DH goes for a swim whilst his kids are at swimming club. No idea if he gets them changed or they can do it themselves but he does get some child free time whilst the OP is doing the shopping chore.

LemonSqueezy0 · 02/10/2016 09:18

What a race to the bottom! She does not need to be grateful- he took over a family chore and fucked it up. He should put it right. I'd expect a decent/normal amount of shopping, with maybe a few extras but not this. Now the OP is cast as the boring parent, who says no alot, while disney dad is awesome at shopping and so much fun!! When you've got a budget, and space issues to consider, you don't get to do that.

IminaPickle · 02/10/2016 09:43

Meh let it go.
The apples will keep for weeks.
Big stuff often lives in the car chez me anyway- I often have a cosh of 24 loo rolls or tins in the back of the car.
Don't go overboard finding space for the stuff or cooking up random meals.

Marynary · 02/10/2016 09:52

Why should she be grateful that he did the family shop when she was ill. The food was for himself and his children as well as OP. I a bit surprised that some posters seem to think that shopping is a skilled job and that men can't be expected to manage it. It is a pretty basic life skill and I am sure that the vast majority of men could do a better job than OP's DH did.

If I was OP I wouldn't be particularly angry but I certainly wouldn't be grateful either. I think he needs more practice until he can shop like a grown up.

Queenbean · 02/10/2016 09:53

I think online shopping would be very useful in the future :)

Guitargirl · 02/10/2016 10:00

Life is too short to be spending your free time rearranging the family food budget because your plonker of a husband bought 10 boxes of cereal.

JacquettaWoodville · 02/10/2016 10:00

Meaning that OP would also get time to herself during swimming club? Sounds like a plan...

Topseyt · 02/10/2016 10:08

Yes to online shopping when ill or injured.

I used it a lot earlier this year when I had a broken arm in a cast and couldn't drive for weeks on end. I dread to think what would have happened if the shopping had all been left to DH. Half the time it wouldn't have got done and the other half he would have done something akin to what OP's DH did.

JacquettaWoodville · 02/10/2016 10:14

Or... He'd've figured out how to do it better when he had no viable meals for a week or two!

Topseyt · 02/10/2016 10:28

He might have, Jacquetta. However, DD3 and I did most of the meal planning. Online shopping for it was easier, or if I needed to break up the cabin fever caused by my own difficulty getting out we got DH to drive us to the supermarket (sad, I know).

Once there he helped and interfered in equal measure while we still got what was needed and kept a semblance of control over the family budget. Sometimes I had to have him there when he normally wouldn't have been because I couldn't drive or lift anything of any weight at all. He was good there, but did add rubbish to my shop that I wouldn't otherwise have bought.HmmGrin

Beebeeeight · 02/10/2016 10:50

OP please tell us what his explanation was for the 5 bags of apples.

JakeBallardswife · 02/10/2016 10:55

It's probably not the end of the world and though and you've made him feel like it is. Use what you can, be creative and at least you'll be ok for cereals for the next year. Next time write a more complete list!

Shesgotelectricboobs · 02/10/2016 11:07

Dh does the shopping in our house. I hate doing it I would buy things I want instead of things we need.
He also gets annoyed at the way I pack the shopping bags. It's easier for him to do it.

We did have a "cereal incident once" I wrote "cereal" on the list. And he bought just that - Frosties cocopops special k shreddies weetbix all the cereals. Because he didn't know which one I wanted.

We stored the boxes in the spare room and ate sugary cereal for breakfast for weeks.

Our shopping list is specific now.

I am also not a fan of a dh "helping Dw" "doing the shopping washing ironing for dw" "babysitting dc" hate those phrases. But that's another issue.

JacquettaWoodville · 02/10/2016 11:08

" and you've made him feel like it is."

In what way?

JacquettaWoodville · 02/10/2016 11:10

"I asked him why he had spent so much. He was full of excuses mostly that the DCs wanted stuff and he picked up stuff he fancied and he was doing a good thing for me and I wasn't being very grateful.
I thanked him for going but told him he had gone totally over the top and lots of it wouldn't get eaten."

Perfectly reasonable comments. Nothing about "the end of the world" or even a ritual bloodletting and sleeping on a bed of nails...

JacquettaWoodville · 02/10/2016 11:12

"So I made him a list of things we definitely need but he said he knew what else to get. Which I assumed he would as well."

"Next time make a more complete list"

DH declined a "more complete" list!

Pagwatch · 02/10/2016 11:17

So a woman is unwell and should make sure she apologises when her partner fails at a basic function of parenting.
Who raised these man children who see shopping as a 'favour' or a 'nice thing'.

What the fuck is the matter with some of you?

JacquettaWoodville · 02/10/2016 11:19

Not only apologises, but comes up with some lovely creative meal plans to mitigate the effect of his fuck up, whilst still feeling ill, Pag.

Pagwatch · 02/10/2016 11:24

It's threads like these that make me understand why my son regularly amuses us with tales of his peers who still don't know how to clean a bath or do any basic cooking after being at uni for three years.
The conditioning they must have had at home.

mothermother · 02/10/2016 11:31

what is it with mumsnet and this hate towards men?!

he fucked up?! so what?!? i fuck up all the time and i would hate it if my husband treated me like shit for it.

just take back what you can if you can't afford it and if you can most of the stuff can be used up and if not it's not the end of the world for fuck sake.

and yes going shopping IS more fun for me than taking/dressing kids for swimming!

Pagwatch · 02/10/2016 11:34

I love men. Proper men who can go to the shops without my needing to be ever so grateful.
I also take my daughter swimming. It mostly involves sitting poolside with a coffee so frankly I'll take swimming every time.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 02/10/2016 11:37

How would you feel if he kicked off at the amount you spent?

Pagwatch · 02/10/2016 11:39

Wouldn't that first require her to spend over budget? Which she hasn't?

NameChange30 · 02/10/2016 11:42

anotherone
"I just can't believe how low some people's expectations are for men. Somewhere below a child and slightly above a well trained dog. It's insulting to them."
Exactly.

However, I do think women dig their own graves when they do all the childcare and housework - it's no surprise that the result is a partner who assumes it's "her" job and thinks he's doing her a massive favour if he does it him self, and inevitably does a shit job.

It's all very well splitting tasks, eg one person does the food shopping and cooking, the other does laundry and hoovering (for example), but the OP hasn't actually come back to tell us whether that's what they do.

And if you never swap or share tasks, the result is co-dependence and grown adults who are incapable of doing simple things like food shopping.

Also agree with the PP who said it's a parenting issue if he can't even tell his children to choose one or two cereals. He bought them 10 FFS. That suggests to me that he doesn't do much childcare or parenting either - not the day-to-day stuff anyway, probably just the fun stuff (like swimming).